My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

[LocalNetter]

My whole life one girl/woman dislikes me for no reason and then gets everyone else to dislike me :(

I don't know why but this pattern has repeated my entire life so far. At school, in my house-share, at uni, at work.

There will be no argument, no fight, no disagreement. I would have maybe spoken to them once or twice and suddenly they'll be all cold (but some will pretend to be nice to my face) but will gradually stop the ones who do talk to me from talking to me. It will always be those most closest to that girl/woman who will firstly start acting off with me and then eventually most people get converted to that way.

Whilst the others wouldn't necessarily be my bestest friends, I know they'd like me enough to make pleasant talk with me etc and over time they almost start becoming a bully towards me.

Is this how some people bond? By talking about someone else negatively to build their own friendship?

The saddest thing is I would have had no fight or disagreement or done anything remotely unkind to deserve that hate. Fine if she's not interested in being friends with me but to actively dislike me for no reason and turn others against me is horrible. Sometimes, the girls who do this are initially much less liked by others than I am and yet they miraculously turn it around completely.

I'm just sick of being the butt of it for other girls to bond with each other and I don't know why it happens to me every time :( :( I always try and help people, have never been disloyal or even rude, even these girls themselves will often say I'm super nice, etc. - it's almost like that film "mean girls".

Have you seen people treated this way? Do you know what seems to make a particular person a target for this kind of behaviour?

I hate being a victim of this any longer :(

Maybe it's the wrong crowd you're trying to be friendly with. I never had issues directly at school college or uni but I found working at care homes it was notoriously clincky and bitchy. I witness women backstab each other and freeze other people out. Thankfully my job was separate to theres and I kept my distance. I never went out socially with them.

I still wonder why some girls who are very pretty and smart can sometimes become very popular

I think if this were a one off situation then you could probably put it down to a mean girl stirring up a group of people. If it’s happened more than once then there IS a reason - it’s just you are not aware of it.

You say yourself that those people are not the kind of people who say thank you, assume you don't approve them. Why need to be friends with someone who you don't agree with their behaviours? Better to make friends with who you can understand and appreciate each other.
If they are acting unreasonable and nasty towards you at your work, then people will notice. It's not school anymore, they got something to lose, but not you.

I think you should just love yourself and try not to overthink anything !! Anyone who is undermining you are probably feeling negative about themselves.💕💐

Do you come across as highly confident?

I had an issue with a woman at work who really verbally attacked me and put me down personally in a really painful way. She later told me that I just seemed so confident and that she was jealous.

I really was amazed that she came back, explained and discussed it with me. She said it was 100% her, not me but I also was able to tell her that despite my outward demeanor, I don’t feel like that on the inside. I have so much admiration and respect for her having this conversation.

You can’t do much if the problem is jealousy. Jealousy stems within others and they have to fix it themselves. One thing I highly recommend though is to find a job where you are the only one at work in that particular role. It really cuts back on the issues you have with other women, because they are less apt to make comparisons.

I seem to have found this problem as people get older. Sometimes you just don’t fit into a box and they do, many of them work hard to be in a clique with others.

I’m not like that and generally easy going, don’t get involved so much but I think it’s what places me on the outside of groups at times. It’s awful these girls are so mean, you are worth much more and hope you can move on from these experiences x

@Crimsonnightlotus as you say, I don’t ‘need’ to be friends with them, not at all. I just ‘need’ them to stop making it their life mission to turn everyone against me. I never make cliques and almost feel like everyone should just get along so I always end up at the receiving end of these girls’ hateful missions.

@HannaYeah most people say I come across as always doubting myself, never been a leader etc.

@Nicedayforawedding thank you

I think they are probably jealous of your looks + niceness + intelligence.

Being able to look like a tramp one day and gorgeous the next - not many can pull that off and many are too self-conscious to be comfortable going out without looking as perfect as possible.

You sound kind of perfect really, even a “big nose” makes the whole package better and that’s bound to make people that aren’t happy with themselves even madder.

Can you focus on making a few close pals at work?

I think I'd agree with the people that are saying that you may be coming across as rather superior.
It's there in what you've said here. You've described the other person as the runt of the litter, and yourself as pretty and clever, and the boys couldn't wait to talk to you. Even the thing about "most likely to be a member of MENSA" I'd say was an award you give to someone who tells you how clever they are, rather than the really clever ones.

I dislike the immediate assumption people are jealous. It's always the fall back on here. But in rl life people are nasty for all sorts of reasons, from just being nasty pieces of work through to misunderstandings.
If it's happening time and again, and no one is standing up for you, then you do need to consider that it may be the way you come across.

I really think that the only way you’re going to find insights about this repeating pattern is through a good therapist. They’ll be able to seperate out your mythologies (ideas about yourself and your interactions that you’ve built up over time) from the likely realities.

Feeling hurt at the hands of others makes us a little crazy, and over time a little paranoid. The trick will be finding new ways to frame past hurts and current relationships, so that you can travel more confidently and construct useful new boundaries for yourself.

It really does sound like some childhood messages you got might not be helping you in adulthood. That doesn’t mean you didn’t encounter a bunch of absolute bitches for real. But bitches will always exist. It’s what we do about them (and let ourselves know about them) that counts.

To give you an idea, at nearly 50 (and with some solid therapy behind me), I am not bothered by mean people around me. I see it as their problem, not mine. If they are picking on someone, I will do my best to ‘put them back in their box’. I can call people out now, without drama, and watch their shenanigans like it’s a film. But they can’t affect me. It’s on par with finding something yukky on the footpath. Not pleasant, but you can just walk around it and get on with your day without replaying it in your mind and making it part of your ongoing story.

Yes, people situations that affect your work and friendships are more complicated, but the theory holds.

Go and find a good therapist to help you reframe the past, and make a map for the future.

Would you say you find it easier to be friends with men? I think women pick up on that attitude that assumes other women are not as good as men.

I don't think there is a way to address this issue without coming across as a bit "mean girls" tbh.
In any situation in life, if the situation keeps repeating, then you are probably the problem. Common denominator etc.

I dont want this to be mean, after all, this is an anonymous forum. But when a certain type of behaviour is repeated in your life, then you should look inwards not outwards. I've been there.

Something is making different sets of people treat you in a similar way OP.
Look at the commonality at see what can change
I mean this very kindly x

I’m sure the posters above who say that it must be just because they’re all bitches who’re jealous of how nice and lovely you are think they’re doing you a favour. Like empty meaningless compliments from an online stranger is going to make these situations stop happening.

If it keeps on happening to you in different scenarios with different people then I’d suggest that the issue is more with you. Maybe not something that you do intentionally but perhaps your confidence can come over as arrogance.

Of course you can listen to the others who say that it’s them not you but assuming you want to make and keep some real life friends then it is worthwhile getting to the bottom of it.

I just feel cursed sometimes. In every social setup (school, uni, work), there will just be one girl who does this. Even on the days that particular girl is off sick or on holiday, people will talk to me and be friendly etc.

I dont want this to be mean, after all, this is an anonymous forum. But when a certain type of behaviour is repeated in your life, then you should look inwards not outwards.

I was just going to say something to that effect. If it happens once then it might be them. Twice? It might be them. Keeps happening? It's probably you.

Yes I don’t disagree it’s something in me that makes me an easy target/victim. I’ve always been told that I have very low self confidence and I went through depression etc. so can often be too polite (which I’ve been told off for) and always felt that I can win them over with continuous kindness. I’ve literally been at school reading a book in the corner and had chewing gum thrown into my hair. Once, at school someone hit me over the head with a metal side panel so I wouldn’t be ‘top of the class’ in yet another exam (they only knew my grade because they asked the teacher who got top marks).

Btw, the Mensa award was given by a teacher who constantly told me I should be more proud of my achievements

Whilst I may to be blame somewhat, I think the bullies are in the wrong too. I can’t fathom any situation where I’d treat someone the way they treated me, not even my worst enemy, let alone someone who minds their own business.

I always ended up befriending the nerdy, kind introvert boys who don’t get dragged into cliques of hating me.

I can kind of relate to this, not perhaps with the one girl disliking me, but I certainly have fallen foul for two or three groups of women over the years, and not for any particular reason I can identify. At school, I found myself the butt of someone else's eyerolling and jokes when previously we had been friends, luckily I moved to a different set of friends and met my best friend, so nothing lost there. I also had the same happen in my first workplace. Uni years were fine though. The worst was my NCT group though, there were a couple of lovely people in that group, but there was a bigger clique of really bitchy new mums. They had already excluded one of the group early on, and I noticed when I said something, people exchanged glances. It was my lovely husband who said- why hang out with horrible people, it's better to have no friends than be in a group you don't feel comfortable or you are worried don't like you.

Since then I've realised I'm not a 'girly gang' type of person, I don't know why, but I don't overthink it. I have a lot of very good individual friends and I make friends quite easily so it isn't that I have some terrible personality defect, it's just the group situation doesn't suit me It might be I'm too loud/not the right type of person/don't fit the vibe- but does it matter?

I would suggest you give up trying to hang in groups if they make you uncomfortable, and try to gain deeper one to one friendships- sometimes these branch out into a two or three, so it's not like you are cutting off the group idea completely, but if you see any sign of trouble, opt out. Don't spend time or energy on puzzling why, some people are a bit bitchy/need to bond by dominating the group and edging out others, sometimes you just don't quite fit in which is not necessarily their fault, just take no notice of them and make friends elsewhere.

Oh bless you OP

If someone is hitting you, they are in the wrong NOT you, and forgive me if I implied otherwise. That is horrid.

But when patterns repeat, you should look at the common denomination and change them! That is what I mean

I have a few of friends who are "different' and people are awful to them. But then I might explain things from their point of view...and things change!

Most people dont want to be a horrid cunt,but then most people struggle to empathise and u detest d where someone else us xomi g from... its z xy le od shir human behaviour I.o.

Mot sure wtf I meant to say in last para

I've had that situation happen once. For it to happen every single time you enter a new social dynamic suggests that you are playing a role in it, whether you mean to or not.

Are there counselors who specialize in picking apart personality issues, like CBD? Maybe even engage a life coach and pay them for their honest opinions on how you come across? If you were a journalist you could get a decent article out of it...

I do wonder though if you are over-egging how much one person is going to be invested in excluding you. Rereading what you have written, if someone is a bit of a bitch to you once, don't sit around waiting for it to happen again, just ignore them from that point on. Ditto anyone in their 'circle'- don't try to ingratiate yourself or be friendly with everyone. Perhaps look to the edges of the group, or someone new, or someone who is not interested in being part of a gang, there are always people like that, you are not the only one.

I do believe people are sometimes jealous of clever attractive women actually, I'm fairly sure that's what's happened to me a couple of times, but more times I've met people who like clever attractive women and want to be friends with them. I think you need to get more discerning and learn how to remove yourself/simply ignore any such situations. For example, if someone's a bit mean girl or a man who blows hot and cold at work and I see them coming, and am not sure of the reaction I'll get, I shout a breezy 'hi there' and then look away before they even reply. You are not interested in their reaction. It definitely makes you feel better than looking to see their response.

I also think therapy could help you mainly with confidence and learning how really to care less about the silly people, and bond with the more sincere ones. If you have a problem with bullying in your current workplace, make it an HR issue.

Occam's Razor.

If everyone you meet eventually stops wanting to be your friend, the simple explanation is that you are unpleasant to deal with in ways that you're unaware of.

A complex conspiracy about multiple jealous individuals dedicating themselves to extremely effective exclusion campaigns against you for no good reason at all is much, much less likely (though more gratifying to your ego).

Find a brutally honest therapist who can spend a few weeks getting to know you so they can outline what the issues you have to work on are.

Yes, pondering about whether all of these plain and unremarkable women have conspired against you through your adolescence and adult life because they are simply jealous that you are so clever, beautiful and popular with men is not going to do you any favours although may provide some instant gratification. The world is full of beautiful, confident and clever women - it's your behaviour that is the problem, you are the common denominator here. And there is something a bit off about your posts, without even knowing you in person. Until you stop with the tunnel vision narration of you as the protagonist in this story nothing is going to change.