Is Your Life Shit? I can solve all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I am a kindly non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I am unfettered by knowledge or training and I run a lovely advice clinic. Please bring me your problems and I will solve them, forever.

I think it's very shortsighted of MN not to give us our own topic, perhaps they didn't realise quite what a movement the conversion to Thighland is.
Hmmm, I'm now wondering if Pineapplegore is really a MN spy sent over from MNHQ to test us to see if we are worthy.

• your

Dog I've asked them to come on to the thread to discuss a section but they're ignoring me. They know my Achilles heel.

Oh well, it's time for my morning nap now anyway.

Here you go. The B and the M are bums. Colours shown here are Slanket, Snot, and Monkey’s Arse.

Reg exceptional work, but could we have various flesh tones including one called Nubian Queen? And a cerise one called Bloke.

Lovely Bum tips Petty #bumtips #lovelyarsehole #beautifulbumholes #moneyspinner

They're great Pretty!
#blessedbumhole #colourmybum

petty could you tell me which are posh ones so I can choose those. Not bothered if they suit me, as long as they are the poshest and most expensivest. If Gwynnie stocks them I will buy them but please don't sell them at Bum Home Bargains cos I don't go there now.

I have renamed my children Sophronia and Tarkett. (One of them had to have surgery so as to align with new name)

I am going to have my heraldry colours done.

Land Rovers are a bit middle middle, so I have ordered an Aston Martin.

BuM bloody autocorrect

@thighofrelief101 - i'm bored & fed up but have a holiday booked in Vegas next month, what should I do?

cabbage stow away on a tramp steamer then work your passage. Get drunk in Alaska and wake up with an unwise tattoo.

Cabbage you have been given very wise advice by Pooter i would also suggest you take in a Show in Vegas, perhaps Engelbert Humperdink or the Platters. Then marry an Elvis Costello impersonator.

Apparently there aren't any tramp steamers any more, sorry. I think cargo ship would be the proper term.

A "tramp steamer" nowadays refers to one of Gwynnie's new products, but your guess is as good as mine ;-)

Good choice of names Pooter, an Aston Martin though. Where will your newly posh children go? Or will they be in the horse drawn carriage with nanny?

rabbits they are too old for a nanny, although they probably need one. I am trying to gentrify my whole family, so far with mixed success. It is very lonely being suddenly posh, with only thighland to be posh in. Of course I would be grateful for any advice you can give. I assume your dressmaking activities are because you are a rich eccentric? If you are a humble retired lady's maid then I must make my excuses and leave. I am only allowed posh friends now.

Pooter I am going to address you as LadyCarolineofPooter from now on if you will?

You could NC !

I want to still be your friend so I will be LadyDangly-Tassles but only when I'm speaking with your ladyship.

I will try not to Fartle you or lick my bum in your presence! I hope you find me acceptable, your Grace?

mornin all.

Did indeed throw my laptop...am indeed feeling much calmer now.

I'm a bad student of the ways of the thigh...my aspiration and stress levels are remaining stubbornly high.

I will eat more snax and lie down a whole lot more. Imminent seminar on nanoribbon solar cells looks like the perfect opportunity to practice both these skills....

petty I have been browsing Farrow and Ball's shade charts and see you are their name adviser. Can you recommend what colour to paint my parlour? When it was just the "front room" it was not posh enough. It was last decorated when Tony Blair was PM, if that's any help.

Also, is there a suitable posh colour for my legs? I had bog dwelling ancestors and have freakishly pale skin. I am trying to look as if I have foreign holidays. I've looked at all the Sadolins shades, but nothing really leaps out.

ladydangly thank you for being my chum! It means a lot to me. Are there any ribbons you would like me to cut, or ships to launch? Since becoming posh I am rising through the ranks very rapidly. At 9am I was merely middle class, but now the peerage beckons!!

WATCH me fly!!!! Hahahahahaha

m3 you could give it up and become my lady companion/governess. You may meet a Lord and be Swept Away!!!

lots of potential recruits on www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3549903-AIBU-to-request-my-family-wears-same-clothes-until-we-go-on-holiday?trending=1 thread.

Slankets have already been recommended. Can we send DT in on her wire?

LadyCarolineofPooter I am so impressed, you must sleep your way into royalty quite quicky now.

Eeeeek we have a code red, M3 I'm on my way ...

IAM drowning in administration and each time I try to regularise one thing I end up in a worm hole of more admin, personal numbers that don't work, sites that don't load, bad advice, dead ends. I am drowning in paperwork and none of it is fun or relevant to real life but all of it is essential to do if I don't want my life to become even more complicated! Sigh ! Thankyou

Right ladies, I'm ready and waiting. Who's up first for a bit of Shin magic ja ja ja