Is there an AMA American thread?

[upskilledotter]

I have so many (probably really boring) questions to ask of Americans (USA) but don’t know if a suitable thread exists.

Especially where the ceremony has lots of bridesmaids and groomsmen there are often short rehearsals at the church/synagogue/venue for everyone to know where to stand, etc. It often takes place right before the rehearsal dinner which, in my experience, is paid for by the groom's parents. When DS and DIL got married, her parents, while supportive of the union, have a family policy of "we don't pay for weddings or university" which is the opposite of our family position. We paid for everything and were happy to do it. We called the rehearsal dinner a "gathering," not to sound too twee, but we wanted all the out-of-towners and locals to just come and hang out in casual clothes at a nice Greek restaurant here in our town. Then the day after the wedding we had a brunch at our house for anyone still around, also in casual dress. Gosh, thinking about all this is just making me happy. It was a wonderful weekend and DS and DIL are so great. DH and I are so proud of them.

Wedding rehearsals are very useful when the wedding party consists of people of all sorts of different religious denominations, who might not know any of the protocols of a given church or temple.

At the rehearsal, the celebrant in a religious wedding walks everyone with a formal role (wedding party, flower children, ring bearer) through the entire ceremony. Details include the entry procession, precise seating positions, the bride and groom processing to the location in the church or temple where the vows will be exchanged, and practicing any bits like lighting candles, signing the register, etc. Anyone doing readings will be given instructions on using the microphone and a chance to practice the readings. There may also be some preliminary blessing and prayers that can be done at the rehearsal (which is usually held in the late afternoon/ early evening of the day before the wedding).

At a secular ceremony, the wedding planner will organise the wedding party at the venue, and bridesmaids/ groomsmen/ parents of the bride and groom/ flower girls and boys, and ring bearer will practice walking toward their seats, sprinkling petals, bringing the rings forward, etc. Again, this is usually a late afternoon/ early evening event.

After the rehearsal comes the meal, which was traditionally offered to out of town guests, with the wedding party and anyone else the couple wanted to invite. Tradition held that the groom's family hosted this meal and the bride's family paid for the wedding.

I'm firmly in camp 'If you can't afford to pay for your own wedding then you shouldn't be getting married', and so far, my two DCs have married people from families who felt the same. There was one secular ceremony and one church wedding. Both have had rehearsals and rehearsal gatherings, and both had wedding receptions - very different from each other but also hugely enjoyable.

Jaywalking - you can only legally cross the street at an intersection/ marked crossing point. Crossing anywhere else is jaywalking. I suspect the reason for this kind of by-law was pedestrian safety and reducing traffic disruption. Perhaps also the fact that there were trams and tramlines in many cities cities made it necessary to desigalnate crossing points. Many American cities have major streets that have more than one lane of traffic going in each direction, so taking a chance on crossing mid-block would be crazy.

As an Irish person with anarchical street crossing habits when I first landed in the US, I got yelled at a few times, but no tickets or cautions. Lots of horn blowing too. As a driver, it's easy to understand how chaotic it would be if people en masse decided to cross wherever they felt like it.

The fact that bus drivers will often wait for you if you wave wildly from the opposite side of the street helps prevent people thinking they need to take chances.

A rehearsal dinner/ gathering can be as cheap or expensive as the couple (or the parents) want them to be. I've been to rehearsals that were casual backyard BBQs and sit down meals in very nice restaurants.

One of the nice aspects of rehearsals is that they can function as icebreaking events - you get to meet people from the other side of the wedding, and it makes it easier to take up the conversation where it left off the previous evening. It also gets you into a festive mood before the event itself.

Thank you all so much that’s really interesting.

I can see how with greater distances to travel to a wedding that the rehearsal adds another dimension as well as different religious aspects.

I think I’d finding it daunting personally to host one but that’s just me! One big get together (actual wedding) is more than enough socialising for me. I wonder (without trying to generalise) if Americans tend to be more sociable?

Also wonder if the rehearsal so close to wedding may cause tensions prior to ceremony? If folks don’t get on or perhaps drink too much or behave inappropriately at the rehearsal?

Thanks for detail re jaywalking too - and tip that buses will wait

I think I’d finding it daunting personally to host one but that’s just me! One big get together (actual wedding) is more than enough socialising for me. I wonder (without trying to generalise) if Americans tend to be more sociable?

I think it's just differences in traditions. For one thing, in the US, we don't generally have a separate "evening do" with a B-list guest list as is common in the UK (and based on MN seems to cause all manner of upset). In the US, there is usually one reception after the wedding and everyone is invited to that. However, not everyone who is invited to the wedding will be invited to the rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner is usually a much smaller guest list.

There is another event that is more a Southern thing: the bridesmaids' luncheon, brunch or breakfast, which has to be slotted into the wedding weekend somewhere. Mine was an informal breakfast the morning of the wedding. The guest list is normally the bridesmaids, the MOB and MOG, and mothers of any children in the wedding party.

I agree with @CarolinaInTheMorning. All the events are to give the wedding party an opportunity to get to know each other a little better, especially if there are distances involved. I gave a little luncheon at a nice restaurant for my DM, DSis, DMIL, DSisterIL and DGrandmother-in-law the Friday before our wedding on Sunday. The two sides didn't know each other and it was a pleasant way to meet and hangout. The US is really big. DH and I are in California where the wedding was held, my family is from New England and DH's family is from the South.

Exactly this. The only two times I’ve been at a US rehearsal dinner, the bride and groom were from Maine and France, and from Massachusetts and Seattle, and their families and close friends had had not much opportunity to meet beforehand.

Similar situation for me. I'm from the Deep South and so are most of my family (one sister hightailed it to the Pacific Northwest at the first opportunity), and DH's family are all from Pennsylvania and New York State. We also had a contingent of close friends coming from California, another from New England and yet another from the Chicago area. This type of situation is very common in the US, where people tend to be fairly mobile, and friends (especially from university years) are often flung far and wide. So you do want to create opportunities at weddings for people to get to know each other better.

I do have to chuckle a bit at some of the wedding threads on MN of the "I'm not having anyone at my wedding I have never met" variety. I met two of my brothers-in-law (actually husbands of DH's sisters) for the first time at my wedding. That's not all that uncommon here in the US, and in the South, it would be considered the height of rudeness to invite one half of a couple and not invite their spouse/partner.

It all seems very considerate and also quite civilised. Do people tend not to consume much alcohol at these smaller gatherings or rehearsals?

@upskilledotter I think it would depend on your crowd. Everyone drinks, but no one really drank to excess at our events.

No one drank to excess (that I am aware of) at any of the family weddings I have attended. In fact, I don't think I've ever been to a wedding event where I noticed anyone who had been visibly drunk. And living in the Bible Belt as I do, I have been to several weddings where no alcohol was served at all.

Add to this, I have also never been to a wedding in the US where guests had to pay for their own drinks. Some have had a complete open bar, while others often will just offer beer and wine.

Everyone drank at all the weddings and rehearsals I ever went to, but not to the point of drunkenness. That is considered really rude in the US, even in a big northern city with a strongly blue collar identity, and long, cold winters.

All the events had an open bar. Asking guests to pay for their own drinks would be considered cheap and inhospitable.

Yes to the open bar. I have never been to a wedding where we had to pay. But, in the US, the bride does not pay for the bridesmaid dresses or shoes or even hair and makeup. I like the way you Brits do it better. Especially when you are young and there are so many weddings, it is incredibly expensive to travel and buy a gift and, if you are in the wedding party, a dress, shoes and all the other stuff.

Wedding traditions also vary hugely in the US. A wedding in NYC will be very different from one in rural Nebraska, never mind differences between different cultures and religions. Traditionally, for example, Jews wouldn't have a rehearsal dinner because many of us have a tradition where the bride and groom don't see each other for a week before the wedding (though IME that tradition is weakening amongst the non-observant).

And south Asian weddings put white American ones to shame, they have multiple events and it takes days.

I think thats probably a mumsnet thing tbh
Most people would expect to be able to take there partner to a wedding in the uk too.

To all you lovely Americans,I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you today. I remember watching Sky news and seeing the second plane hit live. It is the most atrocious thing I've ever seen in my lifetime and probably will ever see. It still shocks me to my core, even 25 years on. Never forget 🫂🇺🇸

Thank you for that. I've been thinking about it a lot today, as well as 7/7. And feeling very down, somehow. Hardly seems like 25 years ago. It's certainly not a week that I will ever forget. 💐 for everyone who remembers

I feel the same way. It’s especially poignant for me as a New Yorker who was in the city that day. The smell was awful for weeks afterwards, which made it hard to forget about momentarily.

I'm also thinking of you folks. I can't really believe it was a quarter of a century ago.