Page 4 | To refuse to cancel going out for Xmas dinner in these circumstances?

NothingDefinite · 2026-11-09T18:41:10+00:00

My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas. We live about 150 miles from them so we alternate spending Christmas in the two places, although we always go out for Christmas dinner. My half sister doesn’t always join us but does sometimes and is this year. We all agreed on the restaurant for Christmas Day a few months ago and I booked it. My half sister is now saying she can’t afford it and wants us to host Xmas dinner at home. We really don’t want to do that as we look forward to going out for it, not cooking and just relaxing. I’ve suggested that she comes before or after Xmas for a day or two instead but she thinks that’s unfair and doesn’t see why we can’t just cook dinner at home. My mum is siding with her and it’s causing friction. Are we being unreasonable to not want to change our plans and not want to have to cook dinner ourselves when we were looking forward to going out?

5128gap · Yesterday 19:18

Not U to want to go out. Not U not to be able to afford the extremely expensive cost of Christmas Dinner out.
Your mum has obviously decided to prioritise your sister being there over the meal out. So your choices are to go out without the rest of your family and go round after, or join them for the at home meal.
Unless you're going to club together and pay for those who can't afford it, what else can you do?

AlohaRose · Yesterday 19:18

Rayqueen84 · Yesterday 19:14

Hmmm totally different view, do you think it's easy for some of us who live pay day to pay day to come up with funds for a meal or treat days. Now I can save absolutely for our treats however should dh car suddenly need a new tyre tomorrow then that's part of the treat money gone. It's not exactly easy to say erm I can't afford it this time I'm sorry due to something unexpected happening. We don't all have spare money lying around and have to save for things so I could absolutely say right now yes we will come for Xmas lunch out and then tomorrow something goes on the car messing those nice plans

Edited

Presumably you wouldn't then expect someone else to pay for your whole family's dinner or volunteer another family member to cook for you all instead though? Of course stuff happens but a sensible compromise would be for the half-sister to come instead on Boxing Day or if she is offering up someone else's kitchen to prepare some dishes and make a financial contribution?

Whoops75 · Yesterday 19:18

I wouldn’t spend Christmas with them.
TBH they would be lucky to make it off a WhatsApp group into my life!
Unbelievable and so grabby, I would be so embarrassed if my family treated me like this.

Original poster

NothingDefinite · Yesterday 19:18

sadnovember · Yesterday 19:11

How much is the lunch pp? Is it very pricey?

Is there a deposit loss/cancellation fee for the place you had booked?

I think YANBU, as you’re hosting it’s going to be costing you loads to have them stay for all the other meals.

If the current venue is expensive the most I’d do is see if there’s cheaper places, but it’s likely too late to book elsewhere by now anyway.

Absolutely no way you should cover their whole family if you usually pay your way plus stay in a hotel.

It’s £140 per adult, less for children. We had to pay a deposit and she did pay her share of that but for her share 2 adults and 3 kids, it was only £50.

OP posts:

MyKindHiker · Yesterday 19:19

Isittimeformynapyet · Yesterday 19:15

As a chef who's produced many Christmas dinners for up to 100 people for under £200 I'm not understanding why so many people are saying it's more expensive than eating out.

There's been crazy inflation since I last did it, but restaurant costs have increased in the same way.

My costs didn't include extras like drinks or expensive cheeses, but I didn't scrimp on quality of produce.

This does not mean I think OP should host at home btw. I don't really have an opinion on that.

Fair, you can get a frozen turkey, not bother with a nice starter or cheese board etc. But if you want to host a big group properly (so they don't feel like they are eating scraps) I'd say it's £400 easily (I usually spend about £500 just on food) before even allowing for booze.

AlohaRose · Yesterday 19:19

So your choices are to go out without the rest of your family and go round after, or join them for the at home meal.

What "at home" meal? They are all staying at the OP's home and suggesting that she cook. There will be no "at home" meal unless she cooks it!

Blackcat2026 · Yesterday 19:20

What a CF! Who in earth demands that someone cooks them Christmas dinner?

Zanatdy · Yesterday 19:20

She should come another time. Personally though, i’d cook it one of my family couldn’t afford it. But i’ve never gone out for dinner, do prefer to stay home on Christmas day.

seahorsessky · Yesterday 19:20

Another way of dealing with it-are there any other family involved? Because you said "come to us"-does that mean you have a partner? Do they have any relatives you will see over Christmas? Because if so, could you swap days, to get away from this issue? As in see them on Christmas day and your side another day, when there wouldn't be an expensive meal to worry about?
Many that's irrelevant, and when you said us you just meant you/your kids, and if so, sorry that's not much help, but if there are more family members, she can't very well get mad at you seeing them if every single year up till now, you've spent it with your side.

RogueFemale · Yesterday 19:20

MyKindHiker · Yesterday 19:17

But that's not the cheeky thing. The cheeky thing is then expecting someone else to host. If I couldn't afford the meal out I'd stay home and do my own thing... but for Christmas that would cost as much as eating out easily by the time turkey and everything else is all bought. So she's basically saying she wants the OP to pay for their food AND go to the effort of cooking and hosting. That's taking the p.

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Exactly.

5128gap · Yesterday 19:21

AlohaRose · Yesterday 19:19

So your choices are to go out without the rest of your family and go round after, or join them for the at home meal.

What "at home" meal? They are all staying at the OP's home and suggesting that she cook. There will be no "at home" meal unless she cooks it!

Yes I see that now. I mistakenly got the idea the alternative being suggested was they had it at OPs mums.

morningspa · Yesterday 19:21

weirdoboelady · Yesterday 19:14

I don't think this is a fair solution, but it's one which ought to shut both your mum and your entitled half sister up. Why don't you suggest that she comes, with her kids and partner, and if she can't afford to come out to eat with the rest of you, she can have a takeaway on the strict basis that she tidies up after the bloody takeaway and you can hardly tell it's happened, when you return. It would be mega money grasping of her to refuse to pay for a takeaway for her own hangers on, but in extremis you could pay for it.......

What an awful suggestion.

Original poster

NothingDefinite · Yesterday 19:22

Rayqueen84 · Yesterday 19:14

Hmmm totally different view, do you think it's easy for some of us who live pay day to pay day to come up with funds for a meal or treat days. Now I can save absolutely for our treats however should dh car suddenly need a new tyre tomorrow then that's part of the treat money gone. It's not exactly easy to say erm I can't afford it this time I'm sorry due to something unexpected happening. We don't all have spare money lying around and have to save for things so I could absolutely say right now yes we will come for Xmas lunch out and then tomorrow something goes on the car messing those nice plans

Edited

I can understand that, but the answer isn’t to expect others to change their plans or pay for you. If I was in that position, I’d say I can’t afford it but to carry on without us. If they OFFERED to change plans for me, that would be different.

OP posts:

AlohaRose · Yesterday 19:23

OK, £140 per adult! And how much for the kids - maybe £50 each, or more? That is actually a huge amount of money for 5 people. Plus drinks on top. I can see why she is balking at the cost but if she agreed initially then she either pulls out and stays home or comes on Boxing Day instead. She doesn't get to dictate what everyone else does on the day.

Shinyandnew1 · Yesterday 19:23

Rayqueen84 · Yesterday 19:14

Hmmm totally different view, do you think it's easy for some of us who live pay day to pay day to come up with funds for a meal or treat days. Now I can save absolutely for our treats however should dh car suddenly need a new tyre tomorrow then that's part of the treat money gone. It's not exactly easy to say erm I can't afford it this time I'm sorry due to something unexpected happening. We don't all have spare money lying around and have to save for things so I could absolutely say right now yes we will come for Xmas lunch out and then tomorrow something goes on the car messing those nice plans

Edited

If your finances are tight, which is sounds like they are for you if an unexpected bill means you’d have to cancel plans for a meal out, then you shouldn’t agree to Christmas dinner at a restaurant in the first place. That’s a luxury.

SpainToday · Yesterday 19:24

sprigatito · Yesterday 18:58

What the hell is your mum playing at? If she wants the half-sister to have a free ride, she can bloody well cough up. She doesn’t get to volunteer you as the family mug. I would be furious with both of the shameless cheeky sods.

This!

BrilliantBetty · Yesterday 19:26

Really expensive. And I don’t blame her for asking if a meal at home would be possible instead of £140(!!) per adult. I’d do the same. Perhaps she thought it worth asking before declining Xmas and making alternative plans - which seems reasonable.

Isittimeformynapyet · Yesterday 19:26

MyKindHiker · Yesterday 19:19

Fair, you can get a frozen turkey, not bother with a nice starter or cheese board etc. But if you want to host a big group properly (so they don't feel like they are eating scraps) I'd say it's £400 easily (I usually spend about £500 just on food) before even allowing for booze.

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I used fresh turkeys. Wouldn't have it any other way!

Yes, I could easily spend £4-500 with all the rest included. That £500 would be well over a grand in a restaurant for 15 people.

Obviously, the more you cook for the cheaper it gets per head.

LondonLass2026 · Yesterday 19:27

If your mum is siding with her, why on earth hasn't she offered to pay for her?

SpainToday · Yesterday 19:27

GintyMcGinty · Yesterday 19:12

You are all missing the point of Christmas and being together as a family.

It’s sad that you are putting going to a restaurant first.

So what is your solution?

Jimmyjumpy · Yesterday 19:28

If that was the agreement then it has to be honoured. If your half sister cant afford it then either she saves up or misses that event.

Moonnstarz · Yesterday 19:29

BrilliantBetty · Yesterday 19:26

Really expensive. And I don’t blame her for asking if a meal at home would be possible instead of £140(!!) per adult. I’d do the same. Perhaps she thought it worth asking before declining Xmas and making alternative plans - which seems reasonable.

But this should be been discussed when the invite to stay was given. The restaurant was booked with a deposit being paid, which she was happy to do then.
She was happy to commit to the arrangements so should have spoken up sooner. Also she could do her own Christmas if this isn't working out and see family on boxing day.

Original poster

NothingDefinite · Yesterday 19:30

BrilliantBetty · Yesterday 19:26

Really expensive. And I don’t blame her for asking if a meal at home would be possible instead of £140(!!) per adult. I’d do the same. Perhaps she thought it worth asking before declining Xmas and making alternative plans - which seems reasonable.

She agreed knowing the price months ago though! The time to ask would have been back then, not now!

OP posts:

karrapo · Yesterday 19:30

This could turn into Banquo's Feast, murder!, mayhem! terror! chaos!

Leopardspota · Yesterday 19:30

NoteyMcNoteface · Yesterday 19:01

Yes, a takeaway. We’ve had Chinese takeout twice for Christmas dinner when our circumstances didn’t afford cooking a big dinner. It’s perfectly normal.

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You might have done it, but it’s not normal.

Xmas lunch can be hugely expensive, but you can also do it on a budget with lots of veg, yorkies and potatoes with a little bit of meat.