Drink & visiting

Don't just say it, go and do it! Or ask more directly rather than hinting.

My MIL seems to only make 3 or 4 drinks a day, so I just go and make a cuppa when I want one and offer everyone else one, too. This has the added benefit of getting a decent cup of tea rather than the gnat's piss she makes, so it's a double win.

Why didn't your son get a mention in the OP?
The fact it's all about DIL not offering food and drink when your son is there makes me think you raised a lazy, rude misogynist who thinks it's up to the woman to host, but he married a woman who won't go along with that sexist rubbish.

Does this mean they expect you to help yourself and you think she should be serving you?

Because if so, YABU.

Hurtful as it may be my conclusion would be that you're not welcome. I'd pare back the visits and next time actually ask for a drink. This is way beyond rude.

my ds is the same
although i dont visit as regularly
he did say grumpily once, make yourself a drink

this is so unwelcoming op
your visits are obviously too regular

No advice here, sorry, they both sound awful.
Please strongly consider cutting both the pricks out the will and leave the lot in trust to the grandsons.

I’d agree your visits are probably too regular and DIL resents it. They are still rude though.

My DB and his wife were similar to my elderly parents, who used to fly to New Zealand to visit them. No food or drink ever on arrival, just an invitation to make themselves toast with frozen bread. And then my parents would pay for all meals out etc. In that case DB and wife were just being selfish fucks (more than happy to accept money for their house deposit etc, but can’t be arsed to offer up more than frozen bread after a 20 hour journey).

How rude is it that someone comes into a home after travelling to see the people and they’re not even offered a drink!

Yes DIL is “expected” to offer a drink!

JFC!! That’s awful! I hope every penny they spent getting there and paying for stuff was taken from DBs inheritance!

Can you not find the words to express how hurtful it is when you drive 100+ miles, stay in a hotel and then aren't even offered a drink?

unless you say something how will they be able to address the problem.

how was your son growing up, did you have a good relationship, and did you teach him to be thoughtful and considerate to people? What about helping round the house, did you teach him to help or were you his servant, running around after him so he takes you for granted?

There is always a backdrop to this type of extreme behaviour, it doesn't come out of nowhere.

He's your son. Why wouldn't you say wft is this all about DS? Or words to that effect.

This is bizarre op, such shit social skills from the pair of them. They obviously equate a hotel stay with you eating etc at the hotel.

I'd just accept it. As you say if you ask they might get frosty then it'll become awkward. Just eat before visiting and carry on being a good host when they visit you. Maybe take a coffee in one of those little cup flask things to make a PA point!

Honestly so much batshit behaviour from relatives lately on mn.

just say that You will make yourself a drink, or say Can I make myself a drink
every time

No one your age would write ‘c a problem’ instead of ‘see a problem’, and ‘r’ instead of ‘are’. Try better next time

'Can you not find the words to express how hurtful it is when you drive 100+ miles, stay in a hotel and then aren't even offered a drink?'

If they are so thick that stuff like this needs pointing out then they'll be the sort to take offence and before the op knows it they'll be NC.

For the sake of seeing dgc sometimes people have to tread carefully and shrug it off.

You need to be prepared to say "Do you mind if I make myself a cup of tea?"

But in the longer term you need a serious conversation with your son where you point out that saying that that is just how they are is not good enough - he expects his family to be catered for when they visit you, yet they are not prepared even to offer you a cup of tea or part of their meal.

You also said that you dont feel my relationship with my dil is one where I can either help my self or ask.
If your son is there, can’t you ask your son? Don’t put it on the dil.

That said, this is all very weird. So you’re there at meal times and they serve up a meal and don’t offer you any? That’s very bizzare and strange!

What was your relationship with your MIL like?

Why is it your DIL fault ? Ask your son for a drink!

She has explained, he works shifts often it is the dil there when she visits.

There's a difference between unannounced and uninvited.

Also my other in law has an absolutelu bizarre effect on my children, always has, even as babies they'd go nuts when she was there, she expects them to perform like little monkeys. Stares at them, constantly talks at them or tries to pick them up/be touching them always, big eager I want to be the favourite gestures. She's a bit 'youve been to Tenerife I've been to elevenerife' anyway but it would make them clingy or incredibly hyperactive. Eldest is autistic and always found her incredibky demanding and dysregulating. Youngest manages a friendlier front in general but also with her but when we're home they get tired of her quickly and show their discomfort by being a handful. Therefore when she's here I often haven't the bandwidth to be thinking about her tea needs. I used to do the dutiful Dil bit and be smiling and making tea while a melting down toddler cling to my leg and I was holding a breastfeeding infant. Now I can't be bothered. The weekday evening she comes to our house I've designated my admin completing day at work and I stay late. My husband wfh, he's her actual son and he'll skulk in the kitchen to avoid her and leave me to host her if I'm at home, and she expects hosting and fawning.

Other family members come round, hang out or don't, my husband isn't wound like a spring around them, he happily floats in and out as do I, the kids react totally differently to aunts and uncles etc than to mil. I'd still offer tea and food if she was literally driving miles to stay nearby to visit but it would also be my absolute worst nightmare of a family visit. It annoys me because my mums dead, so she's their only granny alive and somehow she makes it really difficult. This is a woman who when my son was born stuck her finger in his mouth while I as changing his nappy and said, to him but for me I assume, I'm you're granny, your only granny so can do this...' and it was so bizarre. Then that Xmas for Xmas she gave me a framed photo of her holding my baby in a pose I can only describe as 'madonna with child' she used the spare house key to let herself in daily, didn't leave when I fell asleep on the armchair work me up and laughed at me and I was just home from NICU, having had a c section . Insisted my husband come home from the nicu every night (we were lucky enough to have a proper room to board in SCBU) because they were dog sitting so he could walk the dog and they wouldn't have to and they were not elderly or infirm. Opened all the baby gift bags people brought to the house and put all the gifts in a big pile so I didn't know who they were from and couldn't personalsie thank you cards.

Sometimes mils act in a way that is hard to come back from and if you're uninvited it doesn't matter if you're announced or unannounced

Why is her daughter in law expected to host her while looking after small kids? Wait and arrive when son is home from work?

This is awful.. Had in laws a bit like this myself. Mil was great and very hospitable but FIL was awful. She went blind and couldnt do drinks any more. We would drive 1.5 hours to see them and he would refuse us coffee as "it's not 11am", "we have to wait for my daughter to turn up", " there's water in the tap", "I've had my coffee so I'm not putting the kettle on". Eventually we just turned up with coffees from local costa. I'll never understand such awful behaviour.

She also said this My son is there, there is never any offer of food from.any of them.
It’s all very odd.

You don’t need to make a scene, just simply ask for a glass of water.

Ask for one every time you go, then they may offer a cup of tea instead.

Some people just don’t think/only eat/drink at certain times.

I never drank hot drinks so it never used to cross my mind that someone might want one in the middle of the day, I thought you only drank them in the morning.

If they’re generally nice people then it’s unlikely they’re doing it maliciously.

If your son has been at work, does he not come home and make a drink?