Drink & visiting

That’s a really sad

So you have told them you don’t feel comfortable helping yourself in their home?

Your DIL is usually home when you visit so you expect her to cook, sort your drinks because you won’t help yourself out of your own discomfort?

It’s very strange, but you also seem to be blaming your DIL and not your son which is even weirder.

Do they have enough money? Can they afford to offer food and drink?

They're really rude OP.

If it was me I'd be saying "son I've just driven 100 to visit. Please could you make me a cup of tea and something to eat. It's incredibly rude to sit and eat without offering anything to a guest. Surely I brought you up to have better manners than that".

You need to address this directly with your son not your DIL.

I'm sorry, so they will all sit there and eat a meal but not offer you anything?

Stop buying them food. Go and find a cafe and bring a coffee/tea and food just for yourself in with you.

I'm struggling to understand that they are this socially unaware and lacking in common courtesy.

Would they really be offended if you said "do you mind if I make myself a cup of tea?" You realky do need to say something.

Or just visit for the afternoon, after lunch and leave before the evening meal and eat in the hotel or a local restaurant.

Do you know I find it really awkward / uncomfortable offering people food & drink if they come to my house. I can’t even explain or even understand why I feel that way 😆 a social anxiety perhaps.
Maybe it’s that - bring your own or help yourself? Could you take the kids out to a cafe?

My BIL & SIL were the same. I got really annoyed as they would turn up at ours at meal times and take it that they would be fed automatically!

This

Just directly ask your son when you are saying goodbye,
"DS, if I prepay 100 for food right now, could I please be included in meals and cups of tea etc when I next visit? I really would enjoy a cup of tea and a buscuit when the kids are eating."
See how he responds.
It seems loopyloo that you are not offered a cup of tea etc.

Or could you ask your DIL for a cup of tea?
Everytime you need one.
Is she from a different culture?

But surely, recognising that this is weird, you overcome it and feed visitors anyway?

Why do you bother to visit?

Don't visit while she's home alone with the children, wait for your son to be home. Something has disgruntled them and it may be that. My mil would literally just walk I to the house unannounced while I was there alone with the kids I til she got me on a really bad day and I said 'ffs Mary, would you at least knock, 2 minutes ago I was stood in this hall changing my bra because the wee one dropped a cup of milk down me' but I was annoyed for ages and tried nicely asking her to knock etc.

Yep. I imagine dils side is 'mary just comes in, sits mutely in the corner watching us eat, doesn't even pull up a chair, expects to be waited on hand and foot while I'm home alone with the kids and of course James somehow always has to work late those evenings so I'm the one doing the hosting alone.

You DIL is a very poor host. How rude of her.

If your son is like this as well, then I would certainly talk to him again and tell him how upsetting it is for you. After all, he was not brought up to act this way, so he knows it is not normal. And it really isn’t - the idea that I wouldn’t offer any visitor a cup of tea when they arrive at my home is mad, the idea that I wouldn’t offer my own mother one is unthinkable.

come on - this is your son. Just get him told! ‘John, it’s been a long drive, I’m a bit tired snd hungry. Can you get the kettle on and make me a cuppa and can I have something to eat please’. Perfectly normal question which should provoke an immediate response. The pair of them are so rude… obviously not been taught good hosting skills!

So rude. It's not your son's fault if he's at work, and honestly I'd be annoyed if my in-laws only asked my husband for things, if I was clearly the one hosting. Ask her what the problem is.

How often did you visit pre kids?

How much effort did you make with dil pre kids or while pregnant?

Why can't you visit when your son is there?

if you are there at say 8pm and the adults are cooking their dinner, they just don’t cook you any? You just sit there watching them eat and sometimes have even bought something to heat up that you or them don’t heat up. This is weird!

drinks - you need to start making your own tea etc. sounds like they don’t want to be proper hosts once a month.

from your comments it sounds like maybe you’re trying to drop hints “I’ve said what about putting the kettle on”. I would inwardly eyeroll if my MIL said that in my house as I don’t like dancing around things. You either ask properly for one or better still ask if it’s ok if you make yourself a tea, and offer them one too.

You need to be assertive.

Once a month is still quite a lot so they must like having you there if they’re asking when next back.

From the very little you’ve said, I’d guess they like seeing you but don’t like hosting you. I could be miles out!

You need to take a few lessons from my stepmother-in-law! Three weeks after having my first baby, I was literally waiting on that woman hand and foot. One evening, after I’d cooked her a lovely homemade meal, she actually asked me what was for dessert! Another night, she asked if we were having wine! Can you imagine? I’d only given birth a couple of weeks earlier!
But seriously, I think your son and daughter-in-law are extremely rude to let you drive 100 miles to visit and not even offer you something to eat or drink. It’s just basic manners, and I think it’s terrible. But any conversations on the rudeness of this must be with your son only.

Your DIL is usually home when you visit so you expect her to cook, sort your drinks because you won’t help yourself out of your own discomfort?

Do they have enough money? Can they afford to offer food and drink?

Go and find a cafe and bring a coffee/tea and food just for yourself in with you.

DS, if I prepay 100 for food right now, could I please be included in meals and cups of tea etc when I next visit? I really would enjoy a cup of tea and a buscuit when the kids are eating.

These comments can't be serious ?

Are you seriously trying to justify this batshit behaviour by the OP's son and DiL?

Would anyone whose Mother / MiL, or indeed any one not related was coming to see you, on a pre-arranged visit not offer them a cuppa when they arrived, after driving a couple of hours or more to get there ?

Yes, we can all ask why it is only the DiL and not the DS that the op is blaming, but the behaviour, if as described, is completely out of order and downright rude.

The only question is why the OP didn't speak out in the first place, and possibly why she would go back.

yes this! he's your son, why haven't you had this conversation by now??

my son is 24, and autistic, and hopeless with many 'normal' elements of socialising.. he doesn't quite understand why I demand coffee in the morning instead of just having one of his monster energy drinks 😁 but I make him! when I come to stay I explain (again and again) what my expectations are and why. No way would I just sit back and stay hungry and thirsty, he's your son! just tell him

Exactly. It’s something so fundamental, and so astounding a snub when neglected, that any obstacles our brains are putting in the way should be obliterated, assuming that is not literally beyond our capabilities.

(ps not necessarily a full-blown meal; merely a cup of tea and a bit of cake would suffice. Though if a family meal is being served anyway, it’s hard to imagine excluding another, visiting relative)