Drink & visiting

The son and DIL claim not to like hot drinks, therefore they do not have tea, coffee etc. in the house.

Poor things only seem to have 4 plates as well.

Thats really no excuse. I can’t stand coffee and don’t have sugar in my tea, but I still have coffee and sugar in the house for visitors.

Yes, I read that earlier. If I was visiting a house that didn't have tea and milk in I would bring my own. In this case I would just stop visiting this horrible couple.

I would feel very hurt and disappointed if DD started behaving like them. Luckily, she doesn't. She doesn't drink tea, but she keeps tea bags in for me because she knows I am a tea drinker.

Exactly - I may have a coffee or a tea at some point but generally have squash or water.
I still pop the kettle on as soon as visitors arrive, or in the case of my elderly neighbour a can of Old Speckled Hen!
It all sounds very unpleasant and I believe an excuse to stop OP visiting.
I hope she and her husband sort their wills out!

I think if this were me, I would pause the visits and then in the New Year try and address this again.

i would talk with my DS and his wife to suggest for the next visit we meet out somewhere and I pay for the meal for them all. Similarly, suggest I take just my grandchildren out for tea
Or you suggest you will take food (ready meal/home cooked) for you all to eat at home. Agree a plan prior.
If they are reticent, ask directly, addressing the cost issue, (‘but this is not going to cost you anything’). Be ready to address other reasons ‘it is a school night’ - ‘ok, would Saturday be better?’

Now that you have had a conversation with your son, it is easy to pick that up, ‘can you remember when I said that I can’t come to your house and manage without food or a drink, would it be better if….’

Their reactions to this, as you plan ahead, would give more information about why they are doing this. If they can’t agree to any of the above, I would really know they just don’t want to see me.

I am in a similar situation with my mum, though she does make a cup of tea and is elderly. We just plan ahead with her and accept that we will ‘go out somewhere’ to eat, with us paying. We are not left hungry, we are no longer embarrassed by her behaviour (and can justify it by her age).

Your family are incredibly rude and other than my mum this would be unacceptable in our family. My DS’s both cook, make drinks, serve snacks.

However, I were you, I would not want to lose contact over it without trying a little bit more.

That is so hard for you @Shesastar76
Your only child and his partner treat
you like this in their home.
Particularly after you and your dh facilitated them to live in your home while they saved to buy their own.
You don’t have the comfort of other dc that treat you correctly. 😢
I absolutely understand how you want to keep up the contact with your only grandchildren.
Is there any back story that makes them behave so horribly.
Have you forcibly visited.
As in they really didn’t want you to come but you insisted and they are treating you so badly that you will take the hint ?
Make things so uncomfortable for you that you won’t visit again.
Do they entertain others ?
As in your son’s partner’s family.
Have you met them ?
Was your son always so horrible?

So they don't invite you to be there over meal times?

What do they do if you take a lasagne with you?

Do they eat while you are there?

It just all seems so odd on their part.

I agree. Is the son under the DIL's thumb?

i would talk with my DS and his wife to suggest for the next visit we meet out somewhere and I pay for the meal for them all. Similarly, suggest I take just my grandchildren out for tea
Or you suggest you will take food (ready meal/home cooked) for you all to eat at home. Agree a plan prior.

Why should she offer to pay for meals out when they've been beyond rude to her? That's being an even bigger doormat than she has been. She has been bringing food and they put it aside.

They don't really want her visiting. That's why they're treating her so poorly. They're sending her a message in a particularly nasty way. And this is both of them in on it.

Do they have any friends? Do they treat others like this or is it just you?

She has to pull back. Seeing her treated so badly and accept it will teach their children it's ok to treat people like this and they're teaching their kids to treat their grandmother with disrespect. And I would bet the kids don't enjoy her visits, they've likely heard comments made by the parents that have poisoned that well.

If that was my son I'd have it out with him. I'd tell him I didn't raise him to be this mean and disrespectful to anyone and how ashamed I am of him. And that they got what they wanted, the visits would stop, they wouldn't hear from me again. The grandkids, well, no relationship with the parents would mean no relationship with them. They're collateral damage.

I'd be tempted to contact your DiL's parents and ask if they are offered food and drink when they visit. If they don't express surprise at your question, or say something like, "of course not, we'd never expect them to", then you know where it's coming from at least. If they give the sort of reactions most of us here have given, then that indicates that your DS and his wife are treating you differently than her parents, which would make the whole thing even more worse. And, if that did prove to be the case, I'd be giving my son all hell, even if I didn't particularly like arguments.

I’m of the view that life is too short to be no contact and that it is always worth working through relationship issues. Be the bigger person!

TBF to me, I did say pause first and I did say that I would push them further, for answers, if my suggestions to resolve the issues did not work. At that point I would know I had tried and I would have made them more accountable for their actions.

I say that as a person whose brother cut me off 25 years ago. I know the damage it has done to my self worth, how invisible I am made to feel.

@StartTheBid I’m of the view that life is too short to be no contact and that it is always worth working through relationship issues. Be the bigger person!

When does ‘being the bigger person’ turn into ‘here I am, please wipe your feet on me’ though? Why shouldn’t she call out his poor behaviour? Just because they are mother and son doesn't mean he can behave how he likes and she doesn’t get to say ‘actually that doesn’t work for me’. One person cannot work through relationship issues, it has to be the two together.

I say that as a person whose brother cut me off 25 years ago. I know the damage it has done to my self worth, how invisible I am made to feel.

I’m sorry to hear that. Has he given any indication why? OP has told her son clearly why and her son chose to not do anything about it.

I’m of the view that life is too short to be no contact and that it is always worth working through relationship issues. Be the bigger person!

You want her to put a bigger kick me sign on? Because they're being pretty close to abusive here. She sets up visits in advance, travels to them, stays in a hotel and they eat in front of her without offering her anything and ignore her along with the most basic rules of having someone over. They want her to be uncomfortable in their home is what they're saying with their actions, both physically and emotionally. There's no working through that. They think she's not worth giving the most basic acknowledgement and civility. That kind of extreme disrespect is a hill to die on.

Life is too short to be a doormat to people who don't give a damn about you.

Oh god don’t do this when you don’t have that kind of relationship with them. Being passive aggressive is rarely a good look, neither is helping yourself in someone else’s house

OP - do they actually invite you? Or do you decide to visit? It doesn’t sound like they particularly want you there.

TBF, my views and thoughts are based on the OP challenging her family already and continuing to do so. She has questioned her son and isn’t being a doormat.

My advice to pause and then pick this issue up to try and resolve it, will make them face up to it and not be able to slink off to an easy ‘no contact’.

I would certainly challenge and I would expect decent responses if it were my son. I would also be asking questions where, unless he is honest, will back him into a corner and where at the very least he has to have the difficult conversation.
If the OP offers to take them out for food and pay…and son/DiL refuse, surely OP would say ‘but you said this was about cost’. Clearly it isn’t, so what is it?’

We are all different and all make our own decisions. I know that I would try everything to not lose contact with my son and his family.

Agree, why do mils get treated so poorly? It’s awful

I see, taking them out to dinner is a way to force the issue.

But OP might not be able to treat 4 more people plus herself to a meal out. She's already doing the whole work of these visits. It's clear the visits don't work for them and she can bring it up with both of them without paying for their dinners.

I'm a big fan of matching energy. They give disrespect, I wouldn't be buying them squat. That don't want to see her but they don't want to tell her that out loud. They'll just be mean because they don't have the courage to be honest.