Drink & visiting

Who are you supposedly shouting at 😂

If you said to me “what about putting the kettle on?” I’d ignore you as well. You fill it up and press a button.

I agree they are rude, but I think you wanting to be hosted is a pest as well

I wonder if the DIL has said several times to help yourself, and the OP has resisted because she's uncomfortable doing so or thinks the DIL is rude, and now they're in a weird standoff where OP is dropping hints about kettles and how thirsty she is, and the DIL is wondering when she'll crack and just make herself a drink?

That’s how it seems to me. If the OP asks for a bottle of water they’ll ask one of the boys to fetch it? Surely you’d just say “I’d like a glass of water, do you mind if I help myself?” And crack on.

This gives me vibes of the MIL expecting to be hosted and the DIL sticking to her guns of you’re welcome to visit but I have enough on my plate. Why the OP can’t get her own bottle out of the fridge is beyond me

Oops 😬

If you are afraid that asking for a drink or helping yourself will lead to them cutting off contact with your grandchildren, you have bigger problems.

Do they really cook a family meal and sit down to it whilst you are there without offering you anything? That sounds to me like they think you have overstayed your welcome. Or, they are just rude. You need to address this with your son.

More likely DIL saying to her husband it’s on him to host and he isn’t doing it. Particularly if he isn’t even there half the time.

@Shesastar76 have you ever offered to cook dinner when she’s there alone with you and the kids.

I think this is 100% on the son tbh. If he says it’s too expensive to feed his mum (🤔) then why ask her when she’s coming up again? Why not say to his wife ‘would you prefer if she didn’t visit? I’ll postpone the next visit for a day so I am here when she arrives’ etc?

How has he managed to get to adulthood and not realise how inhospitable and rude his behaviour is? They both seem to be completely lacking in social awareness.

Do they never entertain friends?

OP do you think they are sending you a not very subtle message asking you to give them money??

I am really struggling to imagine how this happens. Do they tell you there is no food for you? How do you know you arent supposed to sit at the table?

Why are you staying over meal time if you aren’t invited for the meal?

General manners dictate that if you haven’t been invited to stay for a meal and the hosts start to cook you say your goodbyes?

It sounds like they have awful manners, but you also aren’t clear on how long you are welcome in the house? How long have you been there when they start to cook?

It is really odd that your son said it was because of money, yet you have said this happened multiple times and each time you have brought different dishes that they haven’t heated and you haven’t heated.

It just seems so strange that you have brought food multiple times, they have ignored that food, cooked and eaten
a meal with no one acknowledging you are there and you havent said will I heat the lasagne I brought and join you at the table.

This is your son and his wife, he lived with you I assume for at least 18 years and she also lived with you. Yet you weren’t able to say what about me, what about the food I brought?

This is up there with one of the weirdest things I’ve read

Are they nice to you and talk to you outwith the food and drink issue?

OP, what is the timeline for all of this? How long ago were they with you while saving for a deposit, how long were they there, how old are the grandchildren, how long have you been visiting monthly etc? The trip that you cancelled, when was it supposed to be?

So are they inviting you to come from 4-6 for example and they are waiting for you to leave? They think they are saying pop round after school- not come round for dinner?

OP said she drives 100 miles I think, and has a hotel booked for the night.

What do you do when you’re there? You arrive, stay in their house with no food or drink offered, go to the hotel when they have dinner, when do you eat? At the hotel? Then what do you do the next day?

I can't help but feel that the whole relationship is odd if the OP feels that she can't even ask if she can make herself a cup of tea.

The son and DIL sound terribly socially awkward and unaware of social norms.

Do you think it's a dig as well at coming on a weekday?
Why are you making such a journey with an overnight stay with the intention of seeing grandchildren yet they are in school when you visit?
My in laws do this which really annoys me, especially as MIL always makes a fuss about how she hardly ever sees the grandchildren. If you wanted to see the grandchildren you would arrange a suitable weekend, not come midweek when they have school and clubs!

I don’t think they are socially awkward or unaware.

I think they just don’t want her there and are being pricks to make her feel uncomfortable.

I bet they cater for her family and their friends.

I can thanks.

Either way, they sound monumentally selfish and self absorbed and downright horrible people.

Oh definitely.

I’ve known people like that, who show their disdain for someone’s presence in the same way.

I would bet that if it were a friend, a member of DIL family or a work colleague, they wouldn’t dream of sitting at the table eating while they sat there on the sofa watching.

It’s obviously designed as a signal to the MIL, which is absolutely childish and mean.