Drink & visiting

Next time just ask "is it ok if I make myself a cup of tea? Would you like me to make you one too?" Perhaps her hands are just full so she doesn't want to take on a host role on top of parenting. Your son sounds a bit unhelpful though, you've brought it up with him and he didn't just tell you to help yourself? What a plank.

😂. So it’s for the woman to offer hospitality and the man to comment/give orders??

It seems the son is at work a lot of the time though, so it's mainly DIL there.

This is truly strange behaviour from them. There is something very wrong with both of them.

I would take a flask of tea and a picnic and make a big performance about it.

Totally weird behaviour all round.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from both of them. Tell them straight, the least they can do after a long journey is offer you a cup of tea. I would feel very unwelcome and whether or not I would miss my Grandchildren, I would make it clear that you feel they are being rude, up to them how they take it, as they ARE most definitely being very very rude.....

And your son, where is he in the midst of all this?

My experience of so many younger people down south, including my own daughters and sons-in-law, is that they don’t drink tea nowadays. They all seem to wander round with giant bottles of water glued to their hips as if they’re in Love Island or something, and assume you will be hydrating yourself in a similar way so no drinks-offer required.

Even if it occurred to them, they usually don’t have milk in the house, and sometimes no teabags. I’ve found the best way is to bring my own supplies, and breezily say, shall I make a cup of tea then? And let them think it’s just one of those old-people weird things.

The food thing is odd though, unless they’re hinting it’s time for you to leave, or you’ve previously criticised their vegan offerings or something.

Do you have a close / good relationship with your son?

Just get up make a drink and get food.

I think your DIL is the pits of a human. Disgusting behaviour. Im sorry you go through to see the kids...

Well the son could be on here as well.....

And the son?

Also so bloody dramatic and angry "the pits of human behaviour." I know it is Friday night but can we keep some perspective?

Thank tou for offering a rational possible explanation rather than a thread of people eager to insult the DIL

I would ask whether they would prefer fewer visits. It isn't clear whether 'agreed in advance' is a real invitation or not and it doesn't sound as though it's necessarily welcome or mutually wished.

Perhaps agree to meet outdoors or at a museum/shop/cafe/activity rather than turning up unless you're sure they want that.

Some relationships can't be taken for granted and have to be built from the ground up, based on real consent, however much you want it to be a situation where you can just walk in and be welcomed. That template can't always be assumed.

What an inhospitable household! I cannot imagine not offering someone food and drink - anyone who was visiting but particularly my children's grandmother. It's appalling!

I don't understand. They sit and eat dinner as a family and just leave you sat there with nothing? Your son will sit there eating a meal and just not acknowledge you? That's just bizarre.

Or DIL will give the kids a banana for a snack and not offer you anything?. I don't host my parents when they visit, they're not guests and I don't enjoy their visits. They're usually not here for long so I might give the kids a snack while they're here and not offer them anything. If I was putting the kettle on I'd offer them a cuppa. But I don't consider my parents to be people I'm responsible for tbh. But if you're during a meal I'd expect to be plating you a portion.

My step sil is like this, her idea of dishing up is to boil pasta and add a tin of tomatoes as sauce (cold). She doesn’t like her father though.

I think this is a very good point. I have a water bottle on the go, so do most adults I can think of. I wouldn't think to offer someone a drink because you should just have your own. I do drink a lot of tea though so that offer goes out. My dad has a water bottle and a flask of tea with him when he goes out. I wouldn't expect to go to someone's house and have food or drink automatically available to me just because I was in their house. I'm responsible for my own needs.

And actually it's made me question things with my mum my mum is very "can you make me this, can you get me that, can I have etcetc" and it winds me up so much, I feel like she's another child I have to look after. I feel like she needs to take responsibility for herself, not need looking after. But maybe she thinks like people on here that she should be "hosted" because she's come to see my kids. Tbh I don't agree with that, I've enough on as it is, I don't need another person to look after.

She feeds the family and doesn’t offer you anything? Wow. Basic manners.

Maybe its a generation thing, but i’d be disappointed in my adult DC if they didn’t offer a guest a drink. Anyone who comes into my house, including tradesmen are offered a drink. I’ve found young people don’t drink many hot drinks, but the young electricians on my estate always accept a glass of soft drink.

I move recently and a friend took my sofa bed so arranged for 2 guys with a van to collect it. One was sweating as it was hard work so offered them both a can and they were so grateful. They said they’d been working all morning in some very expensive houses and he said they never even offered us a glass of tap water.

My adult DD doesn't drink tea or cow's milk, but she has teabags and milk in because she knows how to make people feel welcome.

@Shesastar76 I think you need to be less passive and just ask if you can make yourself a cup of tea. Also ask why they think it is OK to not include you at meal times.

Your DIL’s behaviour and your son’s come to that, is very strange, strange bordering on unwelcoming, even stranger as you’ve been invited. Are both of them socially awkward?

The fact she’s left the food you’ve brought with you as a gift and a contribution -] unacknowledged is beyond rude. Rude and ungrateful. I wouldn’t be continuing to bring food. Actually I wouldn’t be overly eager to keep visiting, but then again I’m not the Grandma in this situation, and I do understand that puts a whole different slant on why you do visit.

What's the general banter like between you and DIL when you get there? Do you get a warm greeting? Doe she seem stressed? Is she relaxed and happy? It is odd and rude on both your DIL and son. If you say that they ask when you are next coming, it does sound like you're not turning up, unwelcome. The only thing you can do is be assertive and tell them that you're. Making a cup of tea, does anyone else want one. If you really want to get to the bottom of it then you need to ask directly, which will be uncomfortable. Can I ask do you go loaded with treats and presents? Is that why they say you can come? Do they expect you to take them out every time. Maybe it's their way of pushing you to take them out.

The very next time I visited I’d be walking through the door and saying ‘get the kettle on lass, I’m parched’! Use your voice OP, the longer you accept the current behaviour the longer you’ll feel sidelined.