Drink & visiting

Clearly they don't want you to visit but can't tell you.

So they are showing you through their behaviour, they couldn't make it more obvious that they don't want you there.

They are breathtakingly rude but obviously don't want you there.

As a minimum you need to make sure that your son is actually there at your next arrival time

Why can’t you talk to your son about it?

My friend never offers me drinks she says I know where things are and can make a coffee if I want one 😊❤️

Awfully rude behaviour on their part. Even if there has been issue in the past (no suggestion that there has) but this would be very passive aggressive.

And I thought my mum was bad. I visited Christmas Eve, to deliver Christmas presents, all planned (they don’t drive to me), adult children and their partners with me. My mum and I made a cup of tea and she set out ‘food’ - a plate with one mince pie each on it! That was it.

One of their presents - their much expected Christmas hamper, over £200 worth of food, including so many Christmas treats!

That isn't what my comment meant.

Sounds too weird to be true, doesn't it, but people like this DO exist.

Me and DH travelled to see his Dad & partner, the journey door to door, is about 10 hours. They live quite remotely, so there's no way to get food for much of the route.

We arrived at 11pm (they would know we hadn't had dinner). We were offered NOTHING. No meal, no snacks and no drinks. We sat chatting for a few hours, and in the end, I had to ask if I could get a slice of toast or something. No. Not a scrap of food in the house they said. Went to bed on an empty tummy.

Next day, FIL had prepared breakfast for him and his partner, and nothing for us! We got dressed and went out in search of food, but it was a Bank Holiday (foreign country) and most shops were closed.

We eventually found a tiny shop open, at around midday, and got food there. I think at this point we'd not eaten for almost 24 hours. I have never been back.

It's so hard to comprehend, because in my family, the second you turn up my Dad (RIP) used to thrust a glass of wine in your hand (and keep topping you up) and there would always be a big curry or similar bubbling away. In the mornings it was the full monty too, a big fry up etc.

I'll never forget the lack of care, and even more bizarelly, FIL and his partner are in the hospitality trade! WTF.

Op, You will have to say something!

You need to ask you son clearly. ‘I’ll be arriving at 5pm, am I invited for dinner with you? Or should I make my own arrangements and see you in the morning?’

Clarify expectations before you go.

Do they have small children? As a mum of 3 under 5, one of which is a newborn I’d offer but I have my hands so full that it’s much easier for people to make their own drinks and would feel a little annoying if someone expected to be waited on and just having baby cuddles while I’m trying to juggle everything.

If she doesn’t have small children or extreme health issues or anything then that is strange though.

No reason from either of them.

I'd say they do not want you there despite agreeing to visits.

Change your will and leave everything to the grandchildren!

So is food being put on the table & being served to everyone but you Op?

If that's the case & you have taken something does she think that the food you have taken is just for you?

It's hard to understand tbh.

this is what I've summised as well, even though a date to visit is agreed, I think they're just saying yes to please the OP.

Totally agree. Who doesn't offer a guest you have invited to your house a drink at the very least?

Because they don’t offer her a drink??

As some of the replies say - many people assume that if you want one you’ll ask for one.

Your son is there when this unbelievably rude behaviour occurs.
You reared him.
What was he taught re hospitality in his / your family home ?
I’d be gutted to be treated like this.
Could they be subtly telling you they don’t want you visiting or visiting so often ?

“Can I have a cup of tea please. I’m thirsty after my 100 mile drive and I’m happy to make it myself-would you like one before I fill the kettle”?

“I have brought myself some dinner -can you heat it up for me please or would you like me to do it myself”

To son - “Dave, will you go and make me a cup of tea please?”
Speak to your son alone “Why do you never offer me a drink or anything to eat Dave? That’s not how you were brought up”.

“I’ve bought my own drinks -cans, water-so as not to inconvenience you “

Find your voice and use it! They are being disgracefully disrespectful to you.
Woman up!
im 56 and if I showed which rudeness to anyone my mum would have zero qualms about pulling me up.

I’m sorry but even with small kids you can offer a guest a bloody cup of tea. Especially after them pre arranging the visit with you! and the fact that u don’t have any expectation that they should accommodate u for the night and you unselfishly fork out for a hotel. Unless there a big back story this is unacceptably plain rude.

Your son needs to step up and be hospitable to his own mother! I could never just eat as a family in front of a guest who hasn’t eaten after a long journey!

id be getting up and putting the kettle on for myself op and make a point!

So the DIL should speak up?

My in-laws would arrive from 3 hours away during the afternoon. Why would I make them leave later, or arrive in the dark just because my husband was working?

I was sometimes rushed off my feet, or having a bad day with a young child or two.

You can just have nice relationships with people, the amount of times I would say, “I’m so sorry dd is kicking off again/it’s taking me ages to get her down for a nap/she will only nap on me today, please go and help yourself to tea and biscuits and I’ll be down in a bit.”

That’s all it takes.

It’s not some sexist women do all the work thing, he’s at work, she’s there.

She could tell her MIL nicely to help herself if she’s busy with the children when she arrives.

She, and OPs son, just sound really bloody rude. Even an unexpected guest would be offered a seat at the table and a share of the meal in my home.

I didn’t say it wasn’t expected.

I just find it utterly confusing and trying to understand.

I would expect it but I also wouldn’t just sit there and would help myself if I’m family and coming around and been allowed to. If they say something, I’d ask why have me.

OP shouldn’t tolerate this behaviour but her also choosing to just sit there and take it is a choice. Doing nothing is a choice.

That behaviour to me, seems like they don't want you there. Do they make you feel welcome at all? How does your visit tend to go overall and how long is it?

Time for a chat to check if they actually want to see you once a month. That's really not a nice way to treat you.

Op your son and dil are both incredibly rude and mannerless! I would be taking the dgc out for a meal and not inviting those two!

If my own adult child didn’t offer food or drinks to visitors I’d have a stern word.

Take a flask and a packed lunch. Eat and drink on arrival. See if it prompts a change.

Or just bite the bullet and go put the kettle on yourself.

Do they make themselves a coffee/tea when you are there but not ask you? Or is nobody drinking?

I’m an adult, if I’m thirsty and I want a drink and I’m at close family members house I would get a drink, and I would expect them to do the same, u want a drink you go get a drink, why do u need me to ask you and make.