Drink & visiting

It's not like they have a pleasant relationship now. I'd describe that as extremely unpleasant. So why bother? They've made it clear she's unwelcome. So what does she get out of seeing them except disrespect and feeling like a fool?

Relationships are two way streets. This is all one way, so it's not even really a relationship at this point. That's the reality of it.

Give them a miss for a while, live your own life and try to enjoy it.
I can't get over them not offering you some refreshment when you visit, that is a basic, the minimum, you do when someone visits.

Something is seriously wrong with them. If you don't put yourself out to see them for a while, you may find out what it is.

However please don't put life on hold for this inhospitable pair.

How very sad, and as I said above, does not come without damage to the person involved.

I just can’t imagine not seeing any of my children, or their families again and would try and resolve the issue, even if that meant compromise.
When ‘no contact’ is the route, it doesn’t end there. It involves others who have to make choices between you, it affects family celebrations and tributes, traditions, holidays. It damages everyone involved, through being invisible.

I agree the OP’s son and his wife are so rude, unbelievably so, their behaviour disgraceful.
Unless the OP has not shared a backstory, not seeing your child again, ever, is a huge over reaction.

I agree. I think @Shesastar76 has said the date is mutually agreed and she confirms the night before that it is still ok.
However I imagine the date is suggested by her and the lazy son seems to just say yes. Maybe as he doesn't want to get involved in conflict, maybe as he doesn't care either way, maybe his comment about money is a hint, or maybe there is a higher expectation for when she visits (it sounds like she visits on a school night which I can imagine being annoying, maybe they would rather a weekend and then she can babysit).

Do you tell them you are visiting on such and such a date ( because it suits you) or do they invite you to come on certain dates because it suits them @Shesastar76 ?

Why are DILs blamed for men’s behaviour? OP’s son is a part of, agrees with, and has made excuses for what they are doing.

If my son were doing so badly financially he couldn’t afford to include me in a family meal, I’d be discussing how I can help him. Letting it continue and blaming my DIL for the problem seems a very strange thing to do. The whole dynamic in this family seems weird.

@StartTheBid

yes, if the choice is not visiting or becoming a human doormat, I would select the former.
NO ONE gets to treat me like shit, not even relatives

No where did I suggest being a ‘human doormat’. Challenge isn’t being a human doormat.

Choosing no contact is more cowardly and solves nothing. (And I want to have a relationship with my children).

Clearly you do not.

@StartTheBid

not if they’re like that, no, they don’t sound very nice!

OP has already challenged, and her son has doubled down, he doesn’t want to give his poor mum a poxy plate of food when she has travelled 100 miles to visit him. Fuck him.

Challenging someone in this situation doesn’t solve anything.Do you expect them not to have realised it’s rude? Of course they know. So challenging them just leads to more conflict and gives them the excuse to cut contact

I’m not blaming the daughter in law for the sons behaviour but she is a person herself and even if my partner acted like that I wouldn’t, just seems mild need to jump through hoops to be accepted, I wonder if her own mother is treated like that. The son is obviously more so to blame but my point is more on people encouraging op to take dinner, buy dinner, buy them food, so why is the mil getting asked to change more? The both of them are so rude

So why is the OP going? They obviously don’t want her there which will impact her relationship with the grandchildren anyway