Drink & visiting

Your son and his wife are unbelievably rude. I could not imagine doing that to anyone, let alone my children’s grandmother.

It’s teaching the children absolutely appalling behaviour. My children would be absolutely aghast if we left someone sitting there while we all ate and would question it. It speaks volumes that your grandchildren don’t.

I understand in that situation why you couldn’t just go to the table and help yourself. I am assuming that it’s already plated up and brought in.

I would think that I was unwelcome and they were doing this to send some stupid message to you, and I would stop going.

I am so sorry OP. I have an adult son, he bends over backwards when me, dh and his younger siblings visit, he gets all their favourite sweets and snacks for them, and makes sure we all have food and drink. I would be very upset if he acted like your son, it’s not how I brought him up.

I am really thinking the must be something thing that you haven’t realised. Do they believe that you should have helped them out financially?

Wow, I offer the window cleaner a drink. We have earl grey in the cupboard for MIL, nobody else drinks it and I offer food from the fridge for my friends dog when she brings it round.

Absolutely appalled by your son and his wife. So sorry

Who the fuck has voted YABU?! And why??

OP this makes no sense.

you said you bring food?

I agree if this is true then they absolutely do not want you to visit, they don’t like you and don’t want you in their home.

your son has effectively ended the relationship.

Your son is giving me the ick. The stingy prick

This is all very bizarre. You said you take food so why don't they pop it in the oven when cooking theirs?

There has got to be a backstory here that you aren't mentioning.

Have they actually said they don't want you to visit but you continue anyway so they are now trying to make it less enjoyable?

Well really that’s no excuse, they could offer you a cold drink instead!
And it can’t possibly cost that much more to feed one extra person. Especially as you have said you’ve taken meals over before and they have been ignored. It’s just an excuse.

It good that you have spoken to your DS about it though. Now that have started the discussion why not ask how things can be improved? I would suggest taking my own food to eat with them, or picking up some ingredients to make a meal for all of you - they can suggest things they would all eat.
On the hot drinks, do they have a kettle? Could you take some teabags and leave them there for when you visit and take a pint of milk with you?

Oh Lord.
This is awful, and I'm afraid a very poor excuse for their rudeness. I really don't have any advice but I am very sorry.
Do you have any other children?

You fed him until he left home and now he is too tight and mean to offer you a crumb? I wouldn't sully my shoes to enter his house ever again, or to have any of them at yours!

This is truly awful... How mean and tight when you have made the effort to travel all that way and book a hotel.
I think they both sound very unpleasant people.
I would withdraw quite a lot. Maybe visit every half term. Take a jar of coffee or something with you or arrange to come for an afternoon visit not around meal times and leave them to it. Do you have other children and grandchildren?
I'd think very carefully about your will. Who will be executor (clue not your tight son) and put it all in trust for grandchildren. Unless there is very good evidence that they are penniless it costs very little extra to feed you once a month. I think this is deliberate and I would take some time to consider how best to manage things.

The Aunt who brought me, and others, up had a saying: Divide small and supply all.

Could you even imagine saying that to your mother? There have been many times when we were hard up, but we’d never have begrudged our parents a meal. Jesus Christ.

They don't want you there. Your visits are a burden.

I think you did right to canvel and I wouldn't be seeing much of them.

Was he always this cheap and flat out an asshole? Because this behaviour is extreme.

Its incredibly rude tbh. Eating whilst your there without offering. I get were all skint but how much extra is another handful of pasta or extra veg? Just be careful how you handle this as it could escalate to you not seeing the dgc

Realistically, how much would you eat when there?

Not sure if it would just be a couple of evening meals or breakfasts/lunches as well.

Even so, it's surely not that hard to stretch a couple of evening meals or ask you to bring something to add to it, plus bring your own stuff for breakfasts/lunches if necessary?

Re the hot drinks-if they haven't the stuff, why not say don't forget your kettle/teabags/milk?

Can't help thinking that they don't want you there.

This is so sad but from the initial op, and even more with the updates and the conversation with the son, its blindingly obvious they don't want you there.

There are unable to say it explicitly but they can't be more obvious in their actions.

They must be amazed that you still turn up when they are so breathtakingly rude.

@Shesastar76 I, like all the other PP here, am appalled that a son could even think about treating his mother like this. I think your decision to cancel your next visit is realistically all you can do right now. If it were me, I'd be writing quite a strong, heartfelt letter to your son asking him outright whether he still loves you and wants you in his and his children's lives. Because how it looks from here, he is making the most ridiculous excuses to push you away. I'd also consider your will very carefully, ensuring that anything you leave is going to your GC and bypassing your son. Do you have other children? If so, do they treat you better?

Were you intending to spend any part of Christmas with him and his family? You might want to reconsider these plans too.

I feel so sorry for you and wish, probably like a lot of the other posters, that I could give you a hug and your son and his wife a good kick up the backside.

There is a name for people with hide like a rhino, who do not care or even notice what other people think about their attitudes and actions. Think Trump for example. Sociopaths, psychos, what is it? They are cut from the same cloth I think, as it would take a totally self centred person not to be mortified by their actions towards you.

Either they are just plain bad, or have extra needs of some sort. Do they?

I don't know what to advise, but it's best that you have cancelled the next trip, for now.

Sorry you’re upset OP. The hot drinks thing I can just about understand, but the food comment is weird. How much is one extra portion of a meal once in a blue moon?

You are right. Her son is too.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I’m speechless re the update.
Was he always a tight fisted, rude little sh*t @Shesastar76 ?

I’m so sorry for you Shesastar76, what an awful situation. It’s so difficult to even imagine a loved one, especially your own child, acting so dispassionately toward you. You’re a bigger person than I, I couldn’t continue to do it. I know there are people out there like that as we had similar in our own family many years ago. We were invited to meet the new baby (2nd child) and despite us driving 150 miles to bring Christmas and new baby gifts, SIL didn’t even offer our two young children a drink. No food, no cups of tea, nothing. Her husband (my husband’s brother) was at work. We waited until he came home to say hello then had to leave to feed the kids (and us) and drive back home. It was a planned afternoon visit but pretty shocking not to even get a cuppa. It was our only visit (they divorced a couple of years later). I really feel for you.

Do they seem penniless to you OP to the point that they can’t find enough food for one person for a meal or two once a month? Or do you think this is just an excuse? It’s terrible. I hope you are okay 💐💐

This is absolutely awful behaviour from your DS and DIL @Shesastar76

I cannot imagine eating and drinking and not offering guests anything at all - especially my own mother after such a long journey! It does not cost a fortune to rustle up another extra place setting does it?

I am glad you have taken the decision to cancel your next visit to them. It is all very one sided, and this is totally unfair on you.

I would wait for them to contact you. Whilst you do this, I agree with other posters - definitely have a re-think about your will.

And, if you do end up visiting them again, take a travel kettle, coffee, sugar, milk and a mug. Any leftover milk, you can pour it over your DS and DIL's head as you leave....😏