Drink & visiting

No food is ever offered they just eat & dont acknowledge i an in the room at all.

I just vant get my head around this. You travel 100 miles to see them. Are you saying they sit down and eat like a full on evening meal and don’t offer you any food? What are you doing whilst they’re all sat eating? Also you say you take lasagne and curry and it just gets left on the side. Would you never say “mind if I heat up my lasagne whilst you all eat your dinner?” The whole thing is odd.

Well we don’t know as the OP has not answered anyof the posts asking her to clarify this! It’s getting really frustrating now, as I really want to know if they just literally sit down to eat their evening meal in front of her, ignoring the fact that shes there, as that’s what shes implied…

I think OP must have exaggerated and it’s not as bad as she initially implied.

That’s why she won’t answer the questions.

she isn’t invited over meal times. The couple don’t drink tea or coffee so they don’t think to offer, if she asks first a drink she is given one. The kids probably snack in front of her but they don’t sit down for an evening meal.

she is expected for a couple of hours, rudely she isn’t offered tea or coffee. She hasn’t been invited to lunch or dinner - the children are fed but the adults don’t eat. Perhaps she overstays her welcome, they are waiting for her to leave until the adults have their meal.

its still rude, but OP is being given a clear signal to keep her visits short.

If I was in your position I would either not go. Or say to my son “do you want me to visit? I get the feeling you don’t want me in your house”. They are treating you terribly and I don’t know how you put up with it! This must feel incredibly hurtful. I’m sorry this is how they are treating you.

I am thinking along these lines too. In addition, the evasiveness in the OPs posts indicates that there is probably a lot more to this story than she is choosing to relate - because it speaks to her character.

Why are you blatantly dodging questions OP?

Are you saying that your DIL cooks dinner (as your son isnt always there), then all 4 family members sit down at a dinner table and ask you to sit elsewhere so they can eat?

Quite. I am thinking there must be a back story to this.

Also annoying how it was straight away a moan about DIL not hosting yet her own son is present. As others have pointed out do his poor manners come from how he was raised? Perhaps he has no clue to offer drinks or food as he has always been waited on at home and now his wife who is the main caregiver according to the OP has his meal ready.
DILto me probably thinks it's his mum and he should be the one to offer her food and drinks, and possibly assumes he has but she has declined.

They don't want you there! FFS. How much more could they show it!

"I wouldn't think to offer someone a drink because you should just have your own.'

Really? You wouldn't offer anything to someone who visited you? Even if they travelled a long way to get there, and the visit was planned/agreed in advance - so you knew they were coming, and had time to get stuff in before they arrived?

Are they serving up meals for all of them while you are there and not including you or are they just feeding the children?
If they don't drink tea or coffee are they getting themselves other drinks while you are there and not offering?
Did your son ever get you drinks or food etc when he was a teenager or young adult living with you?

I have never offered my MIL a drink when she has come to visit, the same way my partner doesn't offer my family a drink when they come over, we are responsible for our own family drinks.

Do you offer friends drinks?

what does this mean? Are you saying you only prepare drinks for immediate family members? Have you ever had friends to your house, or hosted a party?

if friends are invited to your house do you not offer a tea or coffee? Do you have children? Do their friends come to play and if so are they offered a drink and snack?

This is just bizarre.

What do you do if friends come round ?
What do you do if you have someone round in your house to work ?

My adult dc doesn't drink tea or coffee. An occasional hot chocolate is the only hot drink she has, but she keeps tea and coffee in and automatically offers it to anyone who comes to her house.

It is just a societal norm.

Do not go over. They do not want to see you and only want what you give/take to them. They are Pig Ignorant. If they want to see you let them come to you. When making arrangements do not include any refreshments at your home. Maybe meet out at a cafe/restaurant and only purchase your own requirements.

That's weird and rude 😕

Irish here too and we do the same. It’s how I was raised.

Gosh. I wouldn’t keep going, at least not every month. Maybe they find that a but much ? I know I would if I were them. Once a term perhaps?

Your DIL is a rude, nasty b*tch.

Jeezo that is rude, and weird 🤷🏼‍♀️

Batshit crazy .

I'd assume said friends have arms and legs and can make thier own drink I'm not your tea lady! 😂😂😂 I don't offer drinks either 🤷

You do realise that this is not the societal norm and is viewed as rude and unwelcoming?

I'm not Irish but when people come to the house the kettle goes on - for family, friends or workmen alike.

I would also say if I have invited my friends or family around then I would offer drinks.
If my husband invited his friends or family however I would expect him to sort out drinks or food for them. I am not his servant!
This is why I don't feel the DIL is in the wrong. He has made the arrangement with his mum to visit so either the times need to be changed so he is not on shift when she arrives when she wants a drink, or that he acknowledges he needs to cook for everyone after work or order food/go out.
As suggested by myself and others the arrangement may not be working. Meeting out of the house may be better, meeting at a midway point easier as I personally hate it if there is an expectation that the in laws will be sitting in our house for the entire day making small talk. Going out is easier.

My sister in law often turned up unannounced and just before serving our evening meal, it was a nightmare but I’d divide the food so she had a plate with us too. That is disgracefully rude and I know you’re wary of upsetting them but I’d be tempted to say something about this and possibly hint at being keen in say some animal refuge that you’ve written into your will!!! This has so angered me, poor you.❤️