Weirded out by compartmentalised wedding

CeremonyMissing · 2023-08-01T08:54:01+00:00

Fully accept I am possibly BU with this, but we are going to "wedding" soon... except it's really just a party, because the bride and groom are marrying in a private ceremony on a different day. I know people have lots of evening guests (I personally wouldn't) but I find it really weird and I'm not sure what to expect in terms of the order because it's not as if the wedding even happened earlier in the day. I don't really get how things are supposed to flow without having a ceremony, I've never been to a wedding without one before, and I also think it's the most important part – to see the couple get married! Also I know nobody owes us a ceremony, or wedding invite, and nobody other than family is at the civil ceremony so it's not a case of being left out as such, but I think it's more that I find it so weird to go to / call it a "wedding" when you get married on a different day.. and don't see them make any vows. As I said, I am almost certainly being unreasonable, but I just feel very weird about it (or maybe more widely the assumption that people are only interested in the party rather than the marriage bit itself). AIBU to feel weird about the separation of the wedding bit from the reception? YABU - this is normal YANBU - yes, it is a bit weird to separate it

Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 09:55

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Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 09:57

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WannaBeRecluse · 01/08/2023 09:57

It's not conventional but sounds very practical to me. It's a celebration of their marriage rather than a reception. Have they decided to skip that? Sound financial decision if they have.

TeleTropes · 01/08/2023 09:58

You’re over thinking it.

Is there any cultural angle? I know a lot of religious weddings I’ve attended have not been legally binding and so the legal ceremony takes place separately a few days before - but there is a ceremonial wedding on the day.

But otherwise, it’s just like an engagement party except they’re already married?

Barrell · 01/08/2023 09:58

I’d just accept, rock up at the allotted time, and go with the flow. I’m not sure what you’re concerned about? Whether it works is really something for the couple to worry about.

VeridicalVagabond · 01/08/2023 09:59

Presumably you have been to a party before? It's like that. It's exactly like that except it's a party to celebrate a marriage. Hooray! Nice and easy.

Super weird to be this thrown off by lack of ceremony prior to party. Are you an NPC and this will upset your AI programming? Just go and enjoy the party!! It doesn't need an itinerary!

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/08/2023 10:00

It’s a wedding party, don’t see the problem?

Possimpible · 01/08/2023 10:00

I've been to a wedding like this, the couple eloped and then came back and had a party. It was speeches, dinner then party. Pretty much like any other wedding minus the ceremony and drinks reception.

I'm going to one soon that is ceremony and dinner on one day and then party a few days later... Now that's a real pain (and I love a wedding, unlike most on MN)

PriamFarrl · 01/08/2023 10:02

I’ve got a friend doing that. Actual civil service the day before with just mums and dads there. Then they are having another wedding service in front of everyone but it’s just a fake. Then a reception and party. Makes sense to me.

Zhougzhoug · 01/08/2023 10:02

I wonder if this is less common than it used to be, now that more venues are licensed to do the legal part? Because I have definitely been to several weddings like this where they did the boring registry office bit with just mums & dads midweek and then had the actual celebration on the weekend. It's totally normal. It's a "wedding party" if you must be pedantic, but it's 100% not weird.

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:03

For context, I think part of this is that I had a heavily religious upbringing and have been to lots of weddings, but 90% have been church weddings. But anyway basically to me the important part of a wedding is the commitment before god part, so I am struggling to call this a wedding

It's a party - it'll be fun and I'm looking forward to it (and would never say to them how strange I find this) but to me it is not a wedding as much as a celebration, as others have put it

The couple are not religious, there is no overriding reason to do it this way

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Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:04

Everyone else I know who has separated civil ceremony has done some form of vows / ceremony on the day itself, whereas this has none of that, and they are calling it a wedding reception

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Squirrelsnut · 01/08/2023 10:04

Frankly, it sounds ideal. No waiting around during photos etc, just straight into the festivities.

venusandmars · 01/08/2023 10:05

Lots of reasons to do it this way:

the couple see the legal ceremony as a personal commitment between the two of them, with only closest family in attendance
the couple hate to be the centre of attention and would be nervous about the traditional groom standing waiting and the bride making a big entrance
couple get to celebrate in private with close family, spending proper time with them, then the next day get to clebrate with wider family/friends, without worrying they don't spend enough time with grandma (for example)
limited size of the room for their civil ceremony
limited availabiity of registrars - booking for a Saturday wedding needs to be done well in advance
the massive cost of hosting a whole day wedding vis-a-vis a post wedding celebration on a different day

The wedding ceremony (in a civil wedding rather than a religious ceremony) is essentially a legal commitment. You would attend a house warming party without having been present to witness the legal process around the exchange of contracts.

JenniferBarkley · 01/08/2023 10:07

Just because it's not the norm doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. They want you to come celebrate with them, so go along and have a good time.

toomuchlaundry · 01/08/2023 10:08

I’m a bit with you @CeremonyMissing as I think the most important part of a wedding for me is seeing the couple say their vows and actually getting married. That bit always gives me goosebumps. The rest of a wedding I could do without! Went to a wedding a few months ago which was similar although they then had a fake ceremony which we had to stand up through, seemed to take forever! Then the interminable photos. Probably spent more time talking to B&G whilst having our photo taken with them than we did for the rest of the day. With travel and accommodation we spent about £600 and we didn’t even see them get married!

Tulipblank · 01/08/2023 10:08

We got married abroad, just the two of us. Then a few months after we got back had a big party. Worked for us.

10HailMarys · 01/08/2023 10:08

I mean, it’s unusual, although not unheard of by any means. For example, loads of couples who get married overseas do this - have a private ceremony together and then come back for a reception for all their guests. Also some people want a wedding celebration or ceremony of a kind that’s not legally binding, or a reception at a venue with no wedding licence, so they do the legal part the day before at a register office and then have the ‘wedding’ the next day. It’s not the norm but weddings can be whatever the couple wants them to be.

Even if this was ultra-unusual, though, why would you be ‘weirded out’?! I don’t understand the problem to be honest. Normal reaction for me would be “Oh, they’re doing it like that - that’s different” and then I probably wouldn’t even think of it again. Being ‘weirded out’ is a really peculiar reaction.

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:12

10HailMarys · 01/08/2023 10:08

I mean, it’s unusual, although not unheard of by any means. For example, loads of couples who get married overseas do this - have a private ceremony together and then come back for a reception for all their guests. Also some people want a wedding celebration or ceremony of a kind that’s not legally binding, or a reception at a venue with no wedding licence, so they do the legal part the day before at a register office and then have the ‘wedding’ the next day. It’s not the norm but weddings can be whatever the couple wants them to be.

Even if this was ultra-unusual, though, why would you be ‘weirded out’?! I don’t understand the problem to be honest. Normal reaction for me would be “Oh, they’re doing it like that - that’s different” and then I probably wouldn’t even think of it again. Being ‘weirded out’ is a really peculiar reaction.

"Weirded out" might be the wrong term... I think part of me is on some level slightly hurt by the fact they're getting civilly married the day before and don't want us to be there, and are calling this a wedding despite it very much not really being a wedding. I also know couples who have married abroad and then had a large party later, but I think part of me can't countenance it's being called a wedding while excluding close friends from the most important bit

But then rationally I know nobody is obliged to invite me to their wedding, and I would never dream of saying anything. I'm also not mad at the couple (they have two very different cultures to try to meld together), I just think they're missing something important

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Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:14

toomuchlaundry · 01/08/2023 10:08

I’m a bit with you @CeremonyMissing as I think the most important part of a wedding for me is seeing the couple say their vows and actually getting married. That bit always gives me goosebumps. The rest of a wedding I could do without! Went to a wedding a few months ago which was similar although they then had a fake ceremony which we had to stand up through, seemed to take forever! Then the interminable photos. Probably spent more time talking to B&G whilst having our photo taken with them than we did for the rest of the day. With travel and accommodation we spent about £600 and we didn’t even see them get married!

thanks @toomuchlaundry, this is exactly it. marriage is incredibly important to me and while the most important thing is whatever arrangement has to work for the couple, it just seems a bit sad to not be part of it

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10HailMarys · 01/08/2023 10:15

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:03

For context, I think part of this is that I had a heavily religious upbringing and have been to lots of weddings, but 90% have been church weddings. But anyway basically to me the important part of a wedding is the commitment before god part, so I am struggling to call this a wedding

It's a party - it'll be fun and I'm looking forward to it (and would never say to them how strange I find this) but to me it is not a wedding as much as a celebration, as others have put it

The couple are not religious, there is no overriding reason to do it this way

It doesn’t matter what YOU think is the most important part of the wedding, because this is not your wedding. It’s theirs.

You say they’re not religious so have ‘no reason’ to do it this way. But if they’re not religious they also have no reason not to do it this way. They don’t need people to witness them make a commitment ‘before God’ because they are not religious and God is not a factor in their marriage.

I think you just need to appreciate that what you consider a wedding reception is your own definition and that just because that’s how you happen to see it, that doesn’t mean that is the only way to do it. Just accept that people are different and don’t have to do things your way.

Boomboom22 · 01/08/2023 10:16

You sound very extreme in your religious views.

BinFace · 01/08/2023 10:17

I think you’re making this far too personal. They’re having a civil ceremony for family and a celebration next day for friends- what’s the issue? I suspect there will be something to mark that it’s not just a regular party eg speeches.

Friends of mine did this because they wanted a fairly complicated blessing involving different religions, so got married a week before then had the blessing and party together.

In many countries In Europe it’s absolutely standard to separate the civil marriage and the celebration.

10HailMarys · 01/08/2023 10:17

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:14

thanks @toomuchlaundry, this is exactly it. marriage is incredibly important to me and while the most important thing is whatever arrangement has to work for the couple, it just seems a bit sad to not be part of it

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This isn’t about you. It’s not your wedding. It’s not your day.

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:17

10HailMarys · 01/08/2023 10:15

It doesn’t matter what YOU think is the most important part of the wedding, because this is not your wedding. It’s theirs.

You say they’re not religious so have ‘no reason’ to do it this way. But if they’re not religious they also have no reason not to do it this way. They don’t need people to witness them make a commitment ‘before God’ because they are not religious and God is not a factor in their marriage.

I think you just need to appreciate that what you consider a wedding reception is your own definition and that just because that’s how you happen to see it, that doesn’t mean that is the only way to do it. Just accept that people are different and don’t have to do things your way.

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I literally have, I've said it's their wedding and they're entitled to do what they like, and I know my views don't matter (which is why I'm not saying anything). However, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a bit personally sad I won't see my friends get married. If I wanted to make it all about me, I'd make a fuss! But I'm not - they will never know I feel like this

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