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AIBU?

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Original poster

Weirded out by compartmentalised wedding

252 replies

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 09:54

Fully accept I am possibly BU with this, but we are going to "wedding" soon... except it's really just a party, because the bride and groom are marrying in a private ceremony on a different day.

I know people have lots of evening guests (I personally wouldn't) but I find it really weird and I'm not sure what to expect in terms of the order because it's not as if the wedding even happened earlier in the day. I don't really get how things are supposed to flow without having a ceremony, I've never been to a wedding without one before, and I also think it's the most important part – to see the couple get married!

Also I know nobody owes us a ceremony, or wedding invite, and nobody other than family is at the civil ceremony so it's not a case of being left out as such, but I think it's more that I find it so weird to go to / call it a "wedding" when you get married on a different day.. and don't see them make any vows.

As I said, I am almost certainly being unreasonable, but I just feel very weird about it (or maybe more widely the assumption that people are only interested in the party rather than the marriage bit itself). AIBU to feel weird about the separation of the wedding bit from the reception?

YABU - this is normal
YANBU - yes, it is a bit weird to separate it

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 01/08/2023 10:33

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:03

For context, I think part of this is that I had a heavily religious upbringing and have been to lots of weddings, but 90% have been church weddings. But anyway basically to me the important part of a wedding is the commitment before god part, so I am struggling to call this a wedding

It's a party - it'll be fun and I'm looking forward to it (and would never say to them how strange I find this) but to me it is not a wedding as much as a celebration, as others have put it

The couple are not religious, there is no overriding reason to do it this way

It I important to them to do it as they wish. None of it should be important or not important to you . I doubt God does as much naval gazing as you do .

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:34

RosiePH · 01/08/2023 10:31

It’s the ‘commitment before god’ bit which I think is rather unfair here. I am legally getting married with a registrar at a licensed venue (because I am not religious) but it’s still very much a wedding and a marriage. It’s a commitment by law rather than in religion. I’m not less married than someone who gets married in a church.

Personally, I am kind of with you on the having the ceremony in front of guests though. But I also think the legal aspect of a marriage is actually really special - a really firm joining of 2 people and a big commitment. So I’d never have considered using a celebrant because, for me, the important thing here is that you love someone enough to legally be joined to them and accept all that comes with that. That is the difference between a marriage and a long-term relationship. And I want to celebrate that!

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Thank you, this is good food for thought about how I put it. I also think the legal commitment is important, which is why it bothers me even though the civil ceremony they are having is not in any way religious

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 01/08/2023 10:34

So you’re not even there for the actual weddimg/marriage part?

Then it’s kind of pointless, isin’t it?

Do you still have to bring a present? bit cheeky if yes.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:34

AngelinaFibres · 01/08/2023 10:33

It I important to them to do it as they wish. None of it should be important or not important to you . I doubt God does as much naval gazing as you do .

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Why would God (or I) be looking at the Royal Navy?

OP posts:
Twyford · 01/08/2023 10:34

The couple are not religious, there is no overriding reason to do it this way

Surely that's exactly the reason for doing it this way? No need to pay a fortune for a venue for the legal bit, so just sort that out at the registry office and then have everything else afterwards. It makes no practical difference if it's the same day or a different one.

I don't understand why you find it so weird, it really isn't that unusual.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:35

YouAreNotBatman · 01/08/2023 10:34

So you’re not even there for the actual weddimg/marriage part?

Then it’s kind of pointless, isin’t it?

Do you still have to bring a present? bit cheeky if yes.

Yes, we are giving £300

OP posts:
TheBloatedMiddle · 01/08/2023 10:35

We did this, sort of.

had a wedding in a registry office here plus party.

had a celebration party about 7 months later in my home country for all-comers.

Twyford · 01/08/2023 10:36

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:12

"Weirded out" might be the wrong term... I think part of me is on some level slightly hurt by the fact they're getting civilly married the day before and don't want us to be there, and are calling this a wedding despite it very much not really being a wedding. I also know couples who have married abroad and then had a large party later, but I think part of me can't countenance it's being called a wedding while excluding close friends from the most important bit

But then rationally I know nobody is obliged to invite me to their wedding, and I would never dream of saying anything. I'm also not mad at the couple (they have two very different cultures to try to meld together), I just think they're missing something important

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I suspect the venue for the civil ceremony is tiny and they don't have space for more than close relatives. No reason for you to be hurt about it.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:36

ZacharinaQuack · 01/08/2023 10:30

I was going to do this - we wanted family to be able to come to the actual ceremony, and some relatives were too frail to travel. Then we wanted to have a big party with all our friends, but they all live closer to where we do. The party itself would have been very similar to a 'normal' wedding in structure (but without the ceremony part), because when we were planning it the caterers made it very clear that there are reasons why things normally happen in a particular order, and most of it is very practical! So apart from your disappointment at not seeing them actually get married, the experience of the party probably won't feel that different, OP.

(then there was a pandemic and we didn't do any of the above).

Thank you! This is a fair point, I'll probably also feel better when we arrive and there's a bit of an order to things, my super irrational brain was like.. what happens when I turn up? What do I do? Do we drink? Are we seated? But I'm sure they'll have thought of all of that :)

I'll have to deal with a similar challenge because my partner is from one country, I'm from another and it's not where either of us live

OP posts:
Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:38

TheBloatedMiddle · 01/08/2023 10:35

We did this, sort of.

had a wedding in a registry office here plus party.

had a celebration party about 7 months later in my home country for all-comers.

Strangely (and again, literally a me problem) I find this less odd than having it the day after. The demarcation of time or wedding / party seems to make a difference to how I feel about it.

But as others have said, it's possibly due to space or any number of reasons so I will just turn up and enjoy

OP posts:
Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:39

Twyford · 01/08/2023 10:36

I suspect the venue for the civil ceremony is tiny and they don't have space for more than close relatives. No reason for you to be hurt about it.

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This is fair, thank you

OP posts:
TheBloatedMiddle · 01/08/2023 10:39

Oh and YY to perhaps the civil ceremony location has limited numbers.

Ours could only seat 30 and this was impressed upon us very forcefully. Fire regs and all that apparently. We explained and explianed to guests but some were still shirty about that bit. (we had about double that at the reception..., no evening guests, just about half could come to the ceremony only).

89redballoons · 01/08/2023 10:40

Well it's not really up to you to make the day "flow" etc - that's their problem.

I've been to a few weddings where they've had the legal ceremony on a different day, or beforehand with maybe just immediate family as witnesses, and then still had a ceremony at the wedding - either a humanist celebration, or just an opportunity to make meaningful vows and listen to music/readings in front of wider family and friends. So no legal effect but definitely the social aspects of a wedding ceremony. These have felt the same as a wedding in a hotel or country venue etc where you have the legal ceremony and the reception all in one venue.

I do think it would be a bit odd to just have a party with no ceremony at all and call it a wedding, though. Why not just call it a party?

Kellogg1 · 01/08/2023 10:42

Sounds like hurt feelings to me. Have you never been invited to only the evening celebration part of a wedding? Usually work colleagues or distant cousins may do this.

“but I think part of me can't countenance it's being called a wedding while excluding close friends from the most important bit”

Perhaps you’re not as close friends as you think.

GoingGoingUp · 01/08/2023 10:44

Been to several weddings like this. It’s really not unusual.

It’s essentially the same as a normal wedding, except you start with the drinks reception.

Echio · 01/08/2023 10:44

I have just been to a wedding celebration party for a couple that got married abroad. We were a bit unsure what to expect - food / speeches / anything structuring the evening? Nothing was clear! There wasn't any of that - it was just a big party, but the bride wore a wedding dress, the venue was all decked out wedding-y -it felt like the evening reception of a normal wedding.

I guess it is something that's happening with practicalities etc in mind - like, you can have your reception somewhere completely different from the ceremony if you like.

I think some people feel the ceremony bit is more intimate so they want fewer people there. Eg I got invited to a work colleague's wedding evening part only - I would have felt a bit awkward going to the church bit as we're not really close friends, but we're in the same team and the team all went along for the party which was really nice just to support her big day and have a nice time. If you do feel close to the couple I'd understand feeling upset at missing the wedding part.

Interesting views being shared here :)

Marblessolveeverything · 01/08/2023 10:44

Our wedding was in this format - registry and lunch with family. Wedding reception the next day - it just worked that way for us. Older more frail family members were given time in a place they were comfortable to celebrate and then we went hell for leather at the reception the next day. People have full range of options now - as opposed to the Saturday morning 11am/ 3pm wedding.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:44

Kellogg1 · 01/08/2023 10:42

Sounds like hurt feelings to me. Have you never been invited to only the evening celebration part of a wedding? Usually work colleagues or distant cousins may do this.

“but I think part of me can't countenance it's being called a wedding while excluding close friends from the most important bit”

Perhaps you’re not as close friends as you think.

The only friend going to the ceremony part is the maid of honour, the rest of our friendship group aren't, so I don't think it's that as such, though perhaps on some level I am a bit hurt? You might be right

Every random distant cousin's wedding I've been to (four of them) and colleague (two) I've gone to the ceremony

OP posts:
SapphosRock · 01/08/2023 10:46

Sounds ideal for anxiety sufferers.

An intimate wedding without all those people staring at you, then a relaxed party on a different day.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:47

Echio · 01/08/2023 10:44

I have just been to a wedding celebration party for a couple that got married abroad. We were a bit unsure what to expect - food / speeches / anything structuring the evening? Nothing was clear! There wasn't any of that - it was just a big party, but the bride wore a wedding dress, the venue was all decked out wedding-y -it felt like the evening reception of a normal wedding.

I guess it is something that's happening with practicalities etc in mind - like, you can have your reception somewhere completely different from the ceremony if you like.

I think some people feel the ceremony bit is more intimate so they want fewer people there. Eg I got invited to a work colleague's wedding evening part only - I would have felt a bit awkward going to the church bit as we're not really close friends, but we're in the same team and the team all went along for the party which was really nice just to support her big day and have a nice time. If you do feel close to the couple I'd understand feeling upset at missing the wedding part.

Interesting views being shared here :)

This is really interesting! And yes it's great to hear about how other people have done it, their views and such

OP posts:
Kellogg1 · 01/08/2023 10:49

Understandably so. If you feel close and always imagined you’d get an invite to the ceremony it will feel disappointing.

A few people I know who have been married after divorce have had a smaller ceremony and wedding a party afterwards.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:49

SapphosRock · 01/08/2023 10:46

Sounds ideal for anxiety sufferers.

An intimate wedding without all those people staring at you, then a relaxed party on a different day.

I have terrible anxiety (which is probably evident) and having to do this in front of everyone at my own wedding is something I would worry about (probably not until 2025 though)

But there are so many considerations (destination, elderly relatives, parents who insist I've deprived them of every milestone e.g. graduation) I think I'll just have to suck it up. We're making people travel to DP's home country so couldn't really separate the bits even if we wanted

OP posts:
Artemi · 01/08/2023 10:50

I went to a wedding like this- the couple had got married with 5 people in peak COVID (didn't live together before marriage so understandably reluctant to delay!) but had already booked/paid for the reception which was luckily able to be postponed to the next spring.

The order was drinks reception - photos - speeches - dinner - dancing. Still felt very weddingy especially with the bride in her dress and everyone in their finery, wedding cake etc.

It was a lovely day and didn't notice the "missing" ceremony - it felt more genuine than if they'd tried to recreate the ceremony tbh.

Mrsjayy · 01/08/2023 10:50

They might do a celebrant blessing or something speeches and what not you are invited to celebrate their marraige regardless of a religious ceremony not everyone is religious doesn't mean they are not ,"properly " married.

Glockamorra · 01/08/2023 10:51

Are you this cut-and-dried in all your thinking, OP? where do you stand on cream or jam first on scones, for instance?

I grew up in a devoutly Catholic family in a devoutly Catholic society where 99% of the weddings of my childhood were a wedding mass in the bride’s parish church followed by 200 people at an identikit hotel having chicken-or-beef and a hooly, but I have actually moved on and seen other ways of doing things.

In some countries it’s normal for the civil marriage to take place separately with only a couple of witnesses, or normal for religious and civil ceremonies to take place with a lot of time in between. A friend’s niece had her nikah last summer (in London) and only just had her civil ceremony this June.

You sound a bit self-righteous about being one of the few who’s all about the ceremony, compared to the hedonists who just like a party.