Weirded out by compartmentalised wedding

Because it is.

Its a huge part of your private relationship, like everything else in a relationship that shouldn't be made a circus of by inviting a big top full of people to join in.

Why do you feel you are so entitled to be part of others relationships?

The vows are only important if they are kept- for life.
And mostly they are not.

You'll spend so much time pondering about what you think that you'll forget to actually attend.

Now you’re being very very U!
you’re saying that only church weddings are valid. Such an outdated, narrow minded viewpoint.

But anyway basically to me the important part of a wedding is the commitment before god part, so I am struggling to call this a wedding

That's your own interpretation of what a wedding is. Civil services are weddings. They are having a wedding. They've just chosen to make it private

Also civil ceremonies are very quick and can be a bit dull. It is a PITA to try and find suitable readings and music as they are very very ruthless in not allowing any mention of religion in the readings or music.

So the bulk of a civil wedding is the reception and celebration.

So it isn't what you're used to. Doesn't make it at all weird.

A lot of people (especially those who have no religious aspect to their beliefs or the service) marry privately or with close family only then organise the rest of the day as a big celebratory party. It isn't compartmentalised or unusual.

Crikey OP, doesn't take a lot to shock you, does it?!

I will attend the party, enjoy it and give them a lovely gift as well as my presence. You say you would hate a guest like me, but how would you ever know?

Perhaps the fact you've put it on a public forum?

Perhaps MNHQ will end up putting it on FB or Twitter?

Perhaps the tabloids or a daytime TV show will pick it up?

There are many ways the bride and groom could end up knowing, as some of the things you've posted would be pretty identifying to them.

Personally I'd give your space to someone else if I read this before the day.

I think they worded the invite clumsily (do people send email invites these days?) and it should have read along the lines of, 'please come and celebrate our marriage' or whatever but apart from that, I think it's fine.
They're not religious and clearly didn't want a fancy pants ceremony, so surely the most important part is coming together in marriage with their close family present and then to celebrate after with family and friends?
I find it a little odd that you tended to agree with a pp's MIL who said they don't consider it a marriage if you haven't seen the people actually make their vows. That's odd!

I've been to a wedding like this. The bride and groom didn't want the stress, cost and formality of a 'wedding', so they got married at lunchtime with just their immediate family there (and only them because they'd have had major drama otherwise).

The following evening, they threw a party.

It was, honestly, one of the best weddings I've ever been to. No stress, no fuss, no uncomfortable clothes, straight into the (brilliantly catered and plentiful) evening buffet, stuff for the kids to do, local bands, everyone there - it was great.

A friend of mine got married in Jamaica, then had a big reception when she got home. She wore her wedding dress (any excuse!) and we all got a bit drunk. I can't even remember what it said on the invitation, but it was a party and it was great craic and we truly wished her well. Honestly, I wouldn't get sidetracked by the wording. Go and enjoy it. Unless of course you don't want to go.

I would turn up and just go with whatever I don't see it is as something ponder over

I am a practising Christian who finds marriage ceremonies of all types deeply moving and I think you are being massively unreasonable. I suspect it fundamentally comes down to your unease at knowing what to expect because they are not adhering to the traditional format of a wedding. Do you find unpredictability stressful, by any chance?

There you go then. This has very little to do with your views on marriage and everything to do with social anxiety. Maybe you could have an informal conversation with your friend about their plans for the party in order to prepare yourself.

Why bother inviting anybody to anything then? If it's such an imposition, keep your relationship to yourself and stop drawing attention to it. Keep it in splendid isolation, I can't imagine many would care.

well this is refreshing to hear that someone actually cares about the couple and wants to be part of their special day given that lots of the MN posts about weddings are the opposite- that the wedding invitation they’ve been given means that they have to go even though they hate weddings and couldn’t give any less of a shit about a day that is important to their friend/relative.

OP, for some people it’s not a case of excluding people from the ceremony, but that it’s a very intimate thing that the couple want to keep to themselves and then celebrate with their loved ones. Try not to take it personally and enjoy the day.

Who cares? Accept the invitation or don't.

I'm personally bored witness with identikit weddings, tedious tradition (which often has it roots in some nasty patriarchal ideology or at the very least means hard work for women) and people following exactly the same tired itinerary .... because it's 'expected'.

zzzzzzzzz.

There you go then. This has very little to do with your views on marriage and everything to do with social anxiety. Maybe you could have an informal conversation with your friend about their plans for the party in order to prepare yourself

Oh come off it. If OP as a traditional Catholic was invited to a religious ceremony of another Christian denomination or another faith I could maybe understand her unease at what to expect (in a Catholic Church I always out myself as someone brought up in the CofE by saying the last 2 lines of the Lord's prayer).

So what you can expect OP is exactly what you can expect from any wedding celebration post ceremony. There may be a buffet or sit down meal. There may be a DJ or a band, there may be a photo booth or a sweet table. I'm quite sure OP is familiar with the range of things that can happen at a party.

Sorry?

It's a social anxiety issue. Simple as that. The bluster about traditions etc is a distraction.

Good for them, they have got the wedding bit over and are now going to celebrate with friends and family. It has always struck me that the whole wedding, wedding breakfast, speeches, photos, evening do is all too much for one day. I bet your friends will enjoy the party far more than if they have been up since half past six worrying about the weather, cars, flowers, hairdressers, makeup, buttonholes, grumpy flower girls, catering, drunk aunties and will there be enough food on the evening buffet!