Page 2 | Weirded out by compartmentalised wedding

CeremonyMissing · 2023-08-01T08:54:01+00:00

Fully accept I am possibly BU with this, but we are going to "wedding" soon... except it's really just a party, because the bride and groom are marrying in a private ceremony on a different day. I know people have lots of evening guests (I personally wouldn't) but I find it really weird and I'm not sure what to expect in terms of the order because it's not as if the wedding even happened earlier in the day. I don't really get how things are supposed to flow without having a ceremony, I've never been to a wedding without one before, and I also think it's the most important part – to see the couple get married! Also I know nobody owes us a ceremony, or wedding invite, and nobody other than family is at the civil ceremony so it's not a case of being left out as such, but I think it's more that I find it so weird to go to / call it a "wedding" when you get married on a different day.. and don't see them make any vows. As I said, I am almost certainly being unreasonable, but I just feel very weird about it (or maybe more widely the assumption that people are only interested in the party rather than the marriage bit itself). AIBU to feel weird about the separation of the wedding bit from the reception? YABU - this is normal YANBU - yes, it is a bit weird to separate it

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:18

10HailMarys · 01/08/2023 10:17

This isn’t about you. It’s not your wedding. It’s not your day.

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I know...

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MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 10:19

YABVVU OP for your lack of reading comprehension skills.
You keep banging on about calling it a 'wedding' but the couple haven't done so! They have clearly called it a wedding reception. This is the Oxford Dictionary definition:

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/wedding-reception

wedding reception

1. a party to celebrate the marriage ceremony of two people: 2. a party to…

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/wedding-reception

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:20

BinFace · 01/08/2023 10:17

I think you’re making this far too personal. They’re having a civil ceremony for family and a celebration next day for friends- what’s the issue? I suspect there will be something to mark that it’s not just a regular party eg speeches.

Friends of mine did this because they wanted a fairly complicated blessing involving different religions, so got married a week before then had the blessing and party together.

In many countries In Europe it’s absolutely standard to separate the civil marriage and the celebration.

This is probably fair and I'm probably overthinking it – I suppose the useful thing of friends getting married is you also find out what is for you and what isn't / challenge preconceptions too

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Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:21

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 10:19

YABVVU OP for your lack of reading comprehension skills.
You keep banging on about calling it a 'wedding' but the couple haven't done so! They have clearly called it a wedding reception. This is the Oxford Dictionary definition:

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/wedding-reception

six of one, half a dozen of the other. They say wedding everywhere except in one small section of their wedding website, which says "wedding reception"

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Hankunamatata · 01/08/2023 10:21

Are u my mil? Unless she goes to ceremony and sees them get married it's not a wedding 🙄

Sheruns · 01/08/2023 10:22

a friend of mine (not super close- a colleague I got on very well with) got married this week in Greece. I'm invited to the party next week at a local cricket club when they return so I think in contexts like that it's fairly common.

I think you're Overthinking. It's a party. It'll be fun

Barrell · 01/08/2023 10:22

I think this is being deeply overthought. Just turn up and have a good time at the bit you’ve been invited to.

RedGreenBlueSky · 01/08/2023 10:23

I've been to a few weddings like this. One of them where the couple have never actually bothered to do the official legal bit afterwards so they threw a big completely traditional wedding party but aren't legally married several years later. That one I do find odd!

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:25

Boomboom22 · 01/08/2023 10:16

You sound very extreme in your religious views.

not so extreme that I don't live in sin, so no, not really

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Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:25

RedGreenBlueSky · 01/08/2023 10:23

I've been to a few weddings like this. One of them where the couple have never actually bothered to do the official legal bit afterwards so they threw a big completely traditional wedding party but aren't legally married several years later. That one I do find odd!

Oh gosh! That is a bit strange - have they ever said why?

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Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:25

Hankunamatata · 01/08/2023 10:21

Are u my mil? Unless she goes to ceremony and sees them get married it's not a wedding 🙄

sorry but I'm kind of with your MIL on this.. what is her reasoning for it?

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fdgdfgdfgdfg · 01/08/2023 10:26

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:14

thanks @toomuchlaundry, this is exactly it. marriage is incredibly important to me and while the most important thing is whatever arrangement has to work for the couple, it just seems a bit sad to not be part of it

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But you are part of it! They've invited you to the most important bit in their eyes.

You say they're not religious, so they're probably just doing a registry office thing, theres no standing before god etc. They probably just see that as sorting out the legal side of it, signing some papers, saying some words.

They've invited you to the celebration, the "Yay we're married, let's dance and drink and party and have fun". For me, that's the wedding, and it seems it is for your friends too.

You're making this about what you'd want for your wedding. It's not, it's a day for the happy couple, don't take needless offence where none is intended.

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 10:26

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:21

six of one, half a dozen of the other. They say wedding everywhere except in one small section of their wedding website, which says "wedding reception"

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Ah, you say that now though!
I do think you're chopping and changing your story to suit your narrative.
Look, you can feel how you feel, and maybe a small number of people might feel that you are U. But maybe as an erm 'religious person' who doesn't mix outside your own circle you're unaware of how these things work for other people.

The couple are from different cultures. They may not be religious but many still want a religious' wedding as it's more about culture rather than religious. To avoid both sides getting upset they have had a separate ceremony.

You drip fed all this info and acted like they were a pair of your church mates who would normally have had a church wedding. Or something.

I am doing similar, also an intercultural wedding and I would hate to have a guest like you. Please do them a favour and stay home. It will be better for everyone :)

Lilibert456 · 01/08/2023 10:26

Just go and enjoy FGS!

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 10:26

*feel that you are not U

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:29

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 10:26

Ah, you say that now though!
I do think you're chopping and changing your story to suit your narrative.
Look, you can feel how you feel, and maybe a small number of people might feel that you are U. But maybe as an erm 'religious person' who doesn't mix outside your own circle you're unaware of how these things work for other people.

The couple are from different cultures. They may not be religious but many still want a religious' wedding as it's more about culture rather than religious. To avoid both sides getting upset they have had a separate ceremony.

You drip fed all this info and acted like they were a pair of your church mates who would normally have had a church wedding. Or something.

I am doing similar, also an intercultural wedding and I would hate to have a guest like you. Please do them a favour and stay home. It will be better for everyone :)

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No, I didn't, you read into that... I didn't want to give too much info initially as I was trying to figure out how not to make it outing, but I've been here replying so hardly a dripfeed.

I'm not a 'religious person' who never mixes outside my own circle, I was raised Catholic, which is pretty mainstream if you are on the liberal side of it, which I am

I will attend the party, enjoy it and give them a lovely gift as well as my presence. You say you would hate a guest like me, but how would you ever know?

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rrrrrreatt · 01/08/2023 10:29

I think this is really common now, I’ve been to a fair few weddings like this in the last few years and I was even the celebrant for a friend on their ‘second’ wedding day.

It might be their venue isn’t registered for legal weddings, they can’t get a registrar for the day they want (v common in the past few years with the COVID backlog) or they want a type of ceremony on the day that isn’t legally recognised.

You’ll probably still get an order of the day when you get there and the couple have chosen to include you so they’ve shown you matter to them. Ultimately it’s not your big day or about you, it’s about them as a couple and they’ve chosen to do it the way that suits them and their values.

Chocolatelabradorsarethebest · 01/08/2023 10:30

Of all the MN 'I don't understaaaand' threads I've ever read, this has to be the most bizarre.

It's really not that difficult to understand, they're having a ceremony and then a party after. Would you not go to a christening unless you'd also been at the actual birth as well?!

ZacharinaQuack · 01/08/2023 10:30

I was going to do this - we wanted family to be able to come to the actual ceremony, and some relatives were too frail to travel. Then we wanted to have a big party with all our friends, but they all live closer to where we do. The party itself would have been very similar to a 'normal' wedding in structure (but without the ceremony part), because when we were planning it the caterers made it very clear that there are reasons why things normally happen in a particular order, and most of it is very practical! So apart from your disappointment at not seeing them actually get married, the experience of the party probably won't feel that different, OP.

(then there was a pandemic and we didn't do any of the above).

ActDottie · 01/08/2023 10:31

We’re going to a wedding this weekend where the bride and groom have already married. They’re doing a ceremony for us all then wedding breakfast, really looking forward to it and it didn’t occur to me to be weirded out because they got married before.

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:31

rrrrrreatt · 01/08/2023 10:29

I think this is really common now, I’ve been to a fair few weddings like this in the last few years and I was even the celebrant for a friend on their ‘second’ wedding day.

It might be their venue isn’t registered for legal weddings, they can’t get a registrar for the day they want (v common in the past few years with the COVID backlog) or they want a type of ceremony on the day that isn’t legally recognised.

You’ll probably still get an order of the day when you get there and the couple have chosen to include you so they’ve shown you matter to them. Ultimately it’s not your big day or about you, it’s about them as a couple and they’ve chosen to do it the way that suits them and their values.

Yep, entirely fair - and I hope they have an amazing day (kind of why I'm choosing to ask here and not impose on them, I fully get they've done it in a way they like)

Curious though, how does it work to be a celebrant at a reception? Do you mean like a master of ceremonies or did they have some kind of blessing?

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RosiePH · 01/08/2023 10:31

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:03

For context, I think part of this is that I had a heavily religious upbringing and have been to lots of weddings, but 90% have been church weddings. But anyway basically to me the important part of a wedding is the commitment before god part, so I am struggling to call this a wedding

It's a party - it'll be fun and I'm looking forward to it (and would never say to them how strange I find this) but to me it is not a wedding as much as a celebration, as others have put it

The couple are not religious, there is no overriding reason to do it this way

It’s the ‘commitment before god’ bit which I think is rather unfair here. I am legally getting married with a registrar at a licensed venue (because I am not religious) but it’s still very much a wedding and a marriage. It’s a commitment by law rather than in religion. I’m not less married than someone who gets married in a church.

Personally, I am kind of with you on the having the ceremony in front of guests though. But I also think the legal aspect of a marriage is actually really special - a really firm joining of 2 people and a big commitment. So I’d never have considered using a celebrant because, for me, the important thing here is that you love someone enough to legally be joined to them and accept all that comes with that. That is the difference between a marriage and a long-term relationship. And I want to celebrate that!

PriamFarrl · 01/08/2023 10:32

I think this is a you problem.

You are worried that you aren’t seeing them get married in front of your God.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/08/2023 10:32

@CeremonyMissing

soz OP it’s not your day , it’s theirs.
Doesn’t matter what you think.
just enjoy it.

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:33

PriamFarrl · 01/08/2023 10:32

I think this is a you problem.

You are worried that you aren’t seeing them get married in front of your God.

I've literally said it's a me problem

And it's fine to be a bit religious

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