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AIBU?

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Original poster

Weirded out by compartmentalised wedding

252 replies

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 09:54

Fully accept I am possibly BU with this, but we are going to "wedding" soon... except it's really just a party, because the bride and groom are marrying in a private ceremony on a different day.

I know people have lots of evening guests (I personally wouldn't) but I find it really weird and I'm not sure what to expect in terms of the order because it's not as if the wedding even happened earlier in the day. I don't really get how things are supposed to flow without having a ceremony, I've never been to a wedding without one before, and I also think it's the most important part – to see the couple get married!

Also I know nobody owes us a ceremony, or wedding invite, and nobody other than family is at the civil ceremony so it's not a case of being left out as such, but I think it's more that I find it so weird to go to / call it a "wedding" when you get married on a different day.. and don't see them make any vows.

As I said, I am almost certainly being unreasonable, but I just feel very weird about it (or maybe more widely the assumption that people are only interested in the party rather than the marriage bit itself). AIBU to feel weird about the separation of the wedding bit from the reception?

YABU - this is normal
YANBU - yes, it is a bit weird to separate it

OP posts:
RinklyRomaine · 01/08/2023 11:07

We sort of did this altho we did have best friends and immediate family at the registry office. DH loathes being the centre of attention, we are not remotely religious and certainly don't need the involvement of any god to make a legal and emotional commitment.

We then had a huge party much later in the day for about 120 people. It was great fun. No standing around for photos, no tedious meal. Couple of impromptu speeches, loads of dancing and good food instead. Time to chat to everyone.

Tbh, I'd be really offended by anyone suggesting that meant it wasn't a wedding, or somehow not right.

flowerchop · 01/08/2023 11:07

We do this in my culture all the time, sometimes the ceremony and reception are hours apart, sometimes days, sometimes months. Reception is about celebrating with more people in a practical way rather than fitting so much in one day

BlueKaftan · 01/08/2023 11:07

I think you are being horribly judgmental because they aren’t abiding by your religious views on weddings. You should really get over yourself.

basketstacking · 01/08/2023 11:08

How is the invite worded OP?

ladycarlotta · 01/08/2023 11:11

Personally I find non-legal wedding ceremonies a bit fake and naff. If you need to do the legal bit in a registry because your venue isn't licensed that's fine, but I think the "performance" of a ceremony slightly detracts from the preciousness of those vows, which you hopefully only make once (regardless of the ugliness of the decor!). Just have the reception/party at the pretty venue without a ceremony*

But that's assuming that in a registry office they actually did the whole vow bit in the first place. You can pop in and treat it as a bit of bureaucracy if you choose, there doesn't need to be a ceremony. In that case the vows they make with a celebrant or whatever are not a 'performance', they are the real thing and the words these couples actually want to say to each other. Just because you aren't seeing them sign a legal bit of paper, or whatever makes it a 'real' ceremony, doesn't mean it isn't serious and important.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/08/2023 11:11

It’s a celebration of their very recent marriage but for ease of understanding it’s a wedding party. I think that’s fairly easy to understand.

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 11:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 11:12

BlueKaftan · 01/08/2023 11:07

I think you are being horribly judgmental because they aren’t abiding by your religious views on weddings. You should really get over yourself.

If you RTFT you might find that that isn't the case

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2023 11:13

I just knew you'd get arsey replies by daring to suggested that this is a bit odd. Some posters just can't/won't accept different views.

I think it's odd as well. Traditional weddings where you see the couple actually get married is the important bit. If the couple wants to do that privately that's fine. Totally up to you if you want to attend a party afterwards.

I think it's fragmented and weddings are now a pick'n'mix so that being the case, feel free to pick what you attend and what you choose not to.

You're not being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 11:13

I meant I wasn't suggesting they wouldn't be married at all

Then you told me I wasn't hurt, just annoyed, and again suggested it was the religious issue. It isn't - I'm saying MY religious background might be part of the way I feel about this. I don't care if THEIR wedding is religious or not

OP posts:
Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 11:14

The above was replying to @Mrsjayy

OP posts:
Katiesaidthat · 01/08/2023 11:14

Why do they say "please join us AS we tie the knot"? Shouldn´t it be AFTER we have tied the knot?
YAVVVVDNBU. But it is a sign of the times, this is the new normal. Just flow with it, it is easier than being hurt or having negative feelings.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 11:15

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2023 11:13

I just knew you'd get arsey replies by daring to suggested that this is a bit odd. Some posters just can't/won't accept different views.

I think it's odd as well. Traditional weddings where you see the couple actually get married is the important bit. If the couple wants to do that privately that's fine. Totally up to you if you want to attend a party afterwards.

I think it's fragmented and weddings are now a pick'n'mix so that being the case, feel free to pick what you attend and what you choose not to.

You're not being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

Thanks. I think yes I am just quite traditional, and as others have suggested it is discombobulating! And Catholics have quite traditional ways of doing things, it's not what I'm used to

OP posts:
thefamous5 · 01/08/2023 11:15

We did this.

We got married at the height of covid so could on have 8 guests at our wedding. Four of these were our own kids.

We had the wedding reception a year later...

It was amazing.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 11:16

Katiesaidthat · 01/08/2023 11:14

Why do they say "please join us AS we tie the knot"? Shouldn´t it be AFTER we have tied the knot?
YAVVVVDNBU. But it is a sign of the times, this is the new normal. Just flow with it, it is easier than being hurt or having negative feelings.

I think you're right! I will go with the flow, and just be happy for them

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 01/08/2023 11:16

If you don’t see them get married then it is just a party. I don’t normally spend in excess of £500 to go to a party.

Doesn't have to be religious ceremony I just like seeing a couple get married, walking into the room not married, walking out of the room married.

The one we went to recently where the couple had been legally married a few weeks previously still had all the speeches, photos, fake ceremony but no actual meal, just canapés and lots of standing around!

ladycarlotta · 01/08/2023 11:16

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

So they're literally telling you that the bit you're going to is the bit they consider their wedding. The important bit. Presumably you want to celebrate their union, so respect the way they want to do that rather than treat it as invalid.

thefamous5 · 01/08/2023 11:17

To add to that...

The ceremony bit, to us, whether it was in lockdown air not, is private to us and our immediate family.

The bit we wanted to share with our friends and wider family was the Celebrations and the party.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 11:18

Glockamorra · 01/08/2023 10:51

Are you this cut-and-dried in all your thinking, OP? where do you stand on cream or jam first on scones, for instance?

I grew up in a devoutly Catholic family in a devoutly Catholic society where 99% of the weddings of my childhood were a wedding mass in the bride’s parish church followed by 200 people at an identikit hotel having chicken-or-beef and a hooly, but I have actually moved on and seen other ways of doing things.

In some countries it’s normal for the civil marriage to take place separately with only a couple of witnesses, or normal for religious and civil ceremonies to take place with a lot of time in between. A friend’s niece had her nikah last summer (in London) and only just had her civil ceremony this June.

You sound a bit self-righteous about being one of the few who’s all about the ceremony, compared to the hedonists who just like a party.

Cream first

OP posts:
basketstacking · 01/08/2023 11:18

I would have probably worded it "please join us to celebrate our marriage" but it's just semantics.

When I remarry it will be with no more than 4 other people at the ceremony, my son and his partner as a witness and my partners closest friend and his partner as the other witness. No upset about "roles" from friends and family that way (which I know there would be). Then a celebration party with lots of people.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 11:18

thefamous5 · 01/08/2023 11:17

To add to that...

The ceremony bit, to us, whether it was in lockdown air not, is private to us and our immediate family.

The bit we wanted to share with our friends and wider family was the Celebrations and the party.

Out of interest, why do you consider it to be private?

OP posts:
MrsCarson · 01/08/2023 11:20

My wedding was like that.
We were married the day before with just parents there and the next day had a day long party with lots of food and dancing all outside. The neighbours probably hated us.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 11:21

Loubielou1 · 01/08/2023 11:05

Weddings are a traditional thing where you usually know what to expect. It can be unsettling and confusing when people break with tradition and do things differently.

I get this because I like a traditional funeral service but my mum wants a pure cremation with no service and for us to just go for a meal. I'm uneasy with it but it's my mums funeral so she gets to choose.

You say you feel like they're assuming people will be more interested in the party than the ceremony but I'm not sure that's it. They are thinking about what they want and they want a small ceremony and a bigger party.

Think of it as a party to celebrate them getting married and focus on the fact that they want you there to celebrate with them.

I know a few couples who have got married abroad and then had a wedding reception type do at home for friends and family. It's not that uncommon nowadays.

Yes, I think this is part of it. I am also quite traditional on funerals...! But yes, you're right, it's their day and I'm sure there are non-traditional things we will do at our wedding (e.g. having it at the groom's local church and not mine)

Just going to focus on the celebration

OP posts:
Sheppykins · 01/08/2023 11:21

Our daughter had her 'official' marriage and lunch following covid when numbers were restricted, so only immediate family and the witnesses attended. One great benefit was that the families got to know (and immediately liked) each other much better. This was followed by a wedding party some months later, still with the dress, bridesmaids and exchange of vows - feeling very much like the wedding. It was perfect - so relaxed and sociable because many already knew each other.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 11:22

Ginmonkeyagain · 01/08/2023 11:04

I have been to two weddings like this. Both because both the couples wanted Humanist ceremonies but they are not legally binding in England and Wales, so they had the "real" civil wedding the day before with just very close family.

Mr Monkey, a very lapsed Catholic who had a pretty unlapsed Catholic upbringing was a bit weirded out by it like you.

Catholic Mass is very regimented, we're used to having a set formula!

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