Page 9 | To ask for help with housework

KewNutty · 2023-06-29T05:44:15+00:00

I have 2 children (6y and 8m) im also 7 weeks pregnant (not planned, judge if u want) and we have a dog (rottweiler) i dont work atm, my partners work varys alot, sometimes he can start at 3am sometimes he can start at 7/8am and get home anywhere between about 5pm to midnight. He works, i do everything else, im not saying i do it well, but i do do it. I recently asked if he could start helping wash up after dinner if hes home at a reasonable dinner time, it caused an argument but he has been helping. Yesterday i realised id gotten behind on the washing so i got a load in and hung it out to dry (no tumble dryer) this morning, at 5.30 my partner started emptying drawers, throwing his clothes everywhere and woke up both children because (i hadnt realised) hed run out of pants and then ones i had washed werent dry yet. I understand him being annoyed in the situation, i think he did over react. Ive asked for help before, but he believes that because he works, i can do all the home things. Anyway, am i being unreasonable to ask for more help than just the washing up? For more context- His work can be very physically tiring, and sometimes mentally tiring, he does work alot of hours and some of the jobs he does not alot of people could handle (i know i couldnt) I do all housework, cleaning, washing, tidying (again, my house is not spotless right now) and all care concerning the kids (bed, bath, activities, school run etc) i clean the clothes and cook the meals. I get behind on things, especially after a weekend when everyone is home, then it takes me the week to catch up.

Bansheed · 30/06/2023 07:05

Also on MN:

SAHMs should be responsible for all of the housework and most of the parenting because its less stressful and tiring than working full time, for a man ( fixed that for you)

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/06/2023 07:10

Bansheed · 30/06/2023 07:05

Also on MN:

SAHMs should be responsible for all of the housework and most of the parenting because its less stressful and tiring than working full time, for a man ( fixed that for you)

But of couse how very silly of my woman brain to forget how much harder life is if you are a man.

lunylovegood · 30/06/2023 07:13

Unpopular opinion here by the looks of it, but absolutely you should be getting help.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Ctm4Yw5Oly6/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

I hope this helps make you feel less guilty. Regardless of how hard his job is, parenting makes the brain produce more cortisol (stress hormone) than 98% of full time employees.

For those saying “people back in the day did it” yes they did, but most people back in the day had an actual village, unlike us and had no judgement of leaving their baby in a play pen all day while they tended to the house. A lot of parenting choices back then we’re not frowned upon, parenting in todays day and age comes with lots of judgement and “rules” meaning there is additional pressure.

I have worked full time (70 hours per week) in an incredibly high stress job, and in comparison to parenting that is an absolute walk in the park, I’d see my old job as a break now. Your husband needs to pull his finger out and realise he lives in the house too, and your not a maid or a nanny.

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Ctm4Yw5Oly6/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

10littlemonkeys · 30/06/2023 07:14

Being a SAHM is a 24hour a day job... presumably you are the one that is up with baby in the night and up early too! Don't downplay your roll raising his kids- he should be doing more to take care of his children.
The way I look at it-

there's 168hours in a week.
if partner works a 50hour week you are also working the same 50hours looking after the house and children.
that still leaves 100hours of a week which should be shared with childcare duties equally!

Ho sounds useless and should be spending more time with his kids. Takes more than being the breadwinner to provide the emotional and physical support that children need to grow.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/06/2023 07:15

I think your DP needs to help. Life is going to get a lot busier when DC3 comes along so you need to get him involved as soon as possible. Although the 6yo is at school, there are a lot of holidays and there will be many times when you have 3 kids and a dog to take care of. If you were feeling kind you could give him a choice of which tasks he could most easily fit in!

Gemst199 · 30/06/2023 07:16

Probably not - you have an 8 month old AND your 7 weeks pregnant. I'm guessing you do the middle of the night wake ups too.
There's a lot of very judgemental comments on this thread, everyone has different energy levels, experiences pregnancy differently, babies can be demanding or chill. If you are doing your best, then you express that to your husband and ask for help prioritising what gets dropped. If he's not ok with what can't be done then he will recognise you need help either from him, a cleaner, a meal delivery service, whatever is affordable and accessible for your family.

Soontobe60 · 30/06/2023 07:19

First of all, you are not his skivvy, you are his equal partner. Him having a strip because he had no clean pants is frankly pathetic. If my DH did this I’d be fuming at him. He needs to step up with the child care. The fact that he leaves everything to you is ridiculous. When he’s home, he should be sharing the bath /bed routine If only to build bonds with the children! When your baby arrives, things will be much harder for you.
You need to draw up a rota of who does what and discuss his role. Eg, if he wants you to do his washing it needs to be in the laundry basket. I would say that as you’re at home all day, the washing should be your job. Just make sure you put a load on each morning before you set off for the school run, you could even organise it the night before so you just have to switch the machine on in the morning. Being faced with a mountain of laundry is depressing - get into a routine and you won’t feel half as bad!

GC1 · 30/06/2023 07:54

First off I have a 13year old male and 8 month old male.... on mat leave just now. He should be doing things at home your not his live in maid! My husband would never throw a tantrum at not having clean work clothes never mind pants... hed simply go to work without.... he likes going commando (preference I know). However either your partner should suck it up because he can see the washing piles he's not blind. Offer to help or get you a dryer for babies stuff, pants, socks and towels only. AND leave his clothes everywhere for him to pick up when he gets home at midnight tonight and stop being treated like shit. He's an adult. How would he cope if you weren't there. My husband does his fair share especially if I haven't done something through the week.

Yousee · 30/06/2023 07:57

Can we please please please drop the word "help" from this conversation?
"Help" would be if I went to OPs house and started folding laundry. It's not my responsibility but I can see she's struggling and I'm happy to help. Great.
If this twat deigned to fold some laundry, it would just be him folding his own laundry. His clothes, his towels, his childrens clothes. He would be "helping" nobody but himself.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/06/2023 08:01

Difficult one. The op probably should keep on top of the laundry, but does her dh have enough pants?

The DH needs to pick his stuff up and put it in the laundry basket and keep his stuff tidy.

The rottweiler needs to go and shouldn't have been bought/taken on in the first place.

The op needs a dishwasher and a tumble dryer.

Katiebaby3009 · 30/06/2023 08:15

As someone who has been at home with 2 kids whilst on maternity leave and then returning to work, I can confirm that working is easier! Therefore I don’t understand this why he can’t help a bit. You say he has a physically and mentally draining job but so do you! Also you are pregnant so I’m sure you’re exhausted. It’s understandable that you have fallen behind and I would hope he would help when he is there.

Original poster

KewNutty · 30/06/2023 08:57

So this got alot more attention than i thought it would. I originally posted this because i wanted to have a conversation with my partner about his role within the home, but wanted to make sure that what i was asking for wasnt being unreasonable, there have been alot of passionate posts and im sorry i cant reply to all of them. Ive realised im not actually asking him to do housework but instead be tidy after himself, like putting his clothes in the basket (or, ive told him if he wants it washing quicker to pop it infront of the machine) or if he has anything out to put it away and im sticking with him washing up dinner with me if hes home at a reasonable time. Ive spoken to him and he has agreed that he needs to do more, having said that i also told him i will not be picking up the mess he made with his clothes, which is still there, but im not doing it.
Next is the money thing, yes, he is in control of the money, and the main access i get is just doing the shopping, before i had my 8mo i worked while my eldest was at nursery or school so i did have my own income. This is only a recent situation and just happens to be how its going, not once have i said that he wouldnt allow me access to the money if i asked for it, i just was saying that he might as well pay for his own pants, i only have to ask and hell give it to me.
I stated that we do have a good relationship, and even through all of these comments i stand by that as i believe theres more to a relationship than the chores. I never said he doesnt play or spend time with the children, i simply said he doesnt do the things that need to be done, like bath and bed, but ive spoken to him about this too and hes agreed to start helping with those (if hes home in time). When i say i get behind on house work im sure everyones standard of that is different, i only had maybe enough to make 2/3 washes that needed doing, like i said everyone else had enough clothes. Those of you saying i should be able to get it all done because im home all day, have u ever dealt with a teething baby? Or one that doesnt sleep through the night so ure up every few hours which makes u tired before a days worth of housework begins?
Lastly, i just want people to remember to be kind, ure judging my life and choices through a few posts ive made, the pants incedent isnt a frequent occurrence, hes agreed he over reacted and hes apologised.
Lastly i have told him that if he doesnt start pulling his weight in this area i will have to leave just because its putting so much stress on me and with just the children its no where near as difficult, its simply because he is so messy.

OP posts:

Forestfriendlygarden · 30/06/2023 09:05

Well done KN

Riceball · 30/06/2023 09:06

Zippedydoo123 · 30/06/2023 04:57

This is one of the many reasons I don't bother with men. We are expected to cook and clean for them and be a domestic drudge. I do not envy women at all who cohabit especially with children which just brings more work. Some men help but these are rare.

Sad but true

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/06/2023 09:10

Having read through your updates OP, it sounds like you do have access to money if you ask for it. However, having done that for a while when DD was born it ended up having an effect on my mental health because it began to feel (to me, DH never even implied this) like I was asking permission to spend money. So we agreed that every month on pay day, money was transferred to each of our personal accounts so that we could spend without asking. We then got a joint account shortly after I started working so that all the bills were in one place and it's one big pot of money (I wouldn't recommend that part unless married though).

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/06/2023 09:12

If he was single he'd have to do all his own housework! You are not his maid!

He can wash his own clothes!

Your job is physically and mentally demanding. You don't get breaks or sick pay... he can come home and do his fair share.

Sod that for a lark!

Riceball · 30/06/2023 09:13

KewNutty · 30/06/2023 08:57

So this got alot more attention than i thought it would. I originally posted this because i wanted to have a conversation with my partner about his role within the home, but wanted to make sure that what i was asking for wasnt being unreasonable, there have been alot of passionate posts and im sorry i cant reply to all of them. Ive realised im not actually asking him to do housework but instead be tidy after himself, like putting his clothes in the basket (or, ive told him if he wants it washing quicker to pop it infront of the machine) or if he has anything out to put it away and im sticking with him washing up dinner with me if hes home at a reasonable time. Ive spoken to him and he has agreed that he needs to do more, having said that i also told him i will not be picking up the mess he made with his clothes, which is still there, but im not doing it.
Next is the money thing, yes, he is in control of the money, and the main access i get is just doing the shopping, before i had my 8mo i worked while my eldest was at nursery or school so i did have my own income. This is only a recent situation and just happens to be how its going, not once have i said that he wouldnt allow me access to the money if i asked for it, i just was saying that he might as well pay for his own pants, i only have to ask and hell give it to me.
I stated that we do have a good relationship, and even through all of these comments i stand by that as i believe theres more to a relationship than the chores. I never said he doesnt play or spend time with the children, i simply said he doesnt do the things that need to be done, like bath and bed, but ive spoken to him about this too and hes agreed to start helping with those (if hes home in time). When i say i get behind on house work im sure everyones standard of that is different, i only had maybe enough to make 2/3 washes that needed doing, like i said everyone else had enough clothes. Those of you saying i should be able to get it all done because im home all day, have u ever dealt with a teething baby? Or one that doesnt sleep through the night so ure up every few hours which makes u tired before a days worth of housework begins?
Lastly, i just want people to remember to be kind, ure judging my life and choices through a few posts ive made, the pants incedent isnt a frequent occurrence, hes agreed he over reacted and hes apologised.
Lastly i have told him that if he doesnt start pulling his weight in this area i will have to leave just because its putting so much stress on me and with just the children its no where near as difficult, its simply because he is so messy.

You are doing a really difficult and thankless job. Looking after a baby whilst pregnant and trying to keep on top of housework. Fair play for addressing this with your partner. Hope things improve.

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/06/2023 09:13

towriteyoumustlive · 29/06/2023 07:17

YABU.

You have a child at school and an 8 month old at home so should have more than enough time to do all the house work!

Just be more organised, make a list and plan what is going to be done when.

Cook meals than use less washing up if needs be.

Piss off. A baby is a full time job. Being a maid is another full time job. She is also pregnant therefore entitled to relax.

The 1940s called... off you go

FabFitFifties · 30/06/2023 09:20

I think people, most of all your DH, are failing to consider you are 7 weeks pregnant, unplanned, and might be feeling absolutely shattered, at the moment. 💐

quietnightmare · 30/06/2023 09:21

@towriteyoumustlive

Just wondering how much you think a full time cleaner, a full time maid and a full time childminder makes because they are full time jobs with a wage and OP IS doing all three with no wage or annual leave

Flufferz · 30/06/2023 09:52

You are at home to look after your children that is a full time job! I have an 8month old and a Rottweiler. I try to have dinner ready for DP when he gets home but sometimes I don’t and I try to do the basic keeping the house up together but it’s not always possible. I can’t wait to go back to work as it will be a break compared to this!

DP does housework, washing, makes dinner, bedtime and looks after DD on weekends.

Your DP seems like an arse… if he wants to ensure he always has clean pants he knows where the washing machine is!

As long as your DC are cared for you have done your job mama! His shifts may be long but yours are longer!

MammaEvz3 · 30/06/2023 09:52

I can't believe some of these comments. I don't care what hours he works, you are not solely responsible for the house and children. At the very least he should be helping bath and put the children to bed. Also my 6 year old knows where to put her dirty clothes and the 3 years is getting pretty good at it too so a grown man can certainly use the laundry basket! Lazy pig.

DVL · 30/06/2023 10:21

Im currently on mat leave with a 3yo and 8wo, the parenting bit is doable but the housework gets neglected. I do keep on top of the washing but it’s usually only put away once a week when 3yo is in preschool (she does 2 days a week for me to catch up on housework) so OH does sometimes have to look through the baskets for things.

My OH also works long hours in a tiring job and never complains when he walks in to a mess, will often help with the tidying after dinner or help me clean/do washing/cook on the weekends.

You are NOT being unreasonable

leighh88 · 30/06/2023 10:28

You are not a doormat like some of these women commenting saying it should be done, its not hard, its your job etc. Tell him hes a grown man, not a 3rd child. Its shocking to see how little respect they have for themselves. You are doing too much imo.

Pashazade · 30/06/2023 13:17

Glad you've been able to have a sensible chat OP. The concerned responses were because your original posts made it sound as if you had no access to money at all. Obviously it's great that you only have to ask but I'd be getting a regular lump sum put in your bank account every month or at least a joint one that you have access to. I wouldn't be comfortable with having to ask all the time. Hopefully he's really taken your requests to tidy up after himself on board.