To ask for help with housework

Lazy, entitled husband. He obviously doesn't know or care how tiring pregnancy can be. He needs a wake up call and to learn to put his washing in the laundry basket ; even hotel laundry would expect that and you are not running a hotel for him, are you? Kick his m*f** nasty arse into shape.

Your partner may be working long hours but it sounds as if you're working 24/7. Once he's home, he should be doing up to half of what there is to do there during that time. And I would expect him to keep an eye on his own knickers.

Has he agreed to a joint bank account?

So you don’t work, your partner works long stressful hours which start/finish all over the place, and you expect him to help you! Poor bloke, he has my sympathy, YABU.

This is what I wanted to say. My kids are older so I have years to work out the responses to such situations. It was the guilt when things went wrong that got me, I really had to work hard on not feeling responsible for everything.

I think that DH needs to be reminded that he needs to take a bit of responsibility. I will never go finding the laundry. “If it is not in the basket it won’t get washed” is my rule. You have to stick to it and not feel responsible if something gets missed.

I also have got hooks for the towels for everyone in the house. You can use a towel three times without it having to be thrown in the washer. Teaching my kids to do that made a lot of difference.

Lastly DH needs to start laying out his clothes the night before. His clothes, his responsibility. Possibly he should also put away his own clean clothes - there is nothing like the guilt trip “where did you put my…” Easier to say - they are your clothes, you tidy them.

He managed to wake the whole house up looking for pants? That’s totally inconsiderate of him.
If he knew he was running low on pants then he should of mentioned it or put a wag on himself not thrown a temper tantrum that woke everyone up.
You shouldn’t be completely responsible for running the house and sorting the children. Why should he get to relax at the end of the day and you don’t.
Seriously if you can manage it get a dryer and a dishwasher. I wouldn’t be without mine.
Also if your struggling to pull the house around after the weekend id recommend a declutter. 2 / 3 times a year I have a big chuck out. It’s far easier to tidy up when there’s less stuff.

This reminds me a lot of my previous marriage. He worked excessive hours much of the time. He provided well for us financially. However, his time off was his to do as he wanted and somehow I was never off. His job was/is taxing (healthcare) so he needed the downtime but I refused to believe it meant he could simply ignore family needs just because he brought home the money.

Even he would throw on his work wash if it was needed or explicitly request I get it done. I was never left to independently predict when he would run out of clothes. These are adult men who would have to do their own wash and sort their own meals among other things if we weren’t around - even during periods of extensive work hours.

You’re not being unreasonable to ask for a bit of help tidying or perhaps even more important, doing some of the parenting and spending time with the kids instead of his phone.

If he doesn’t use the wash basket, he doesn’t get clean clothes, underpants or otherwise. I say this as someone who knows and has had to put my foot down over this!

He does need to buy some more pants, everyone else in the house still seems to have enough clothes atm. I cannot buy them, im sahm and dont get an income, he controlls all the money, unless i can get them through tesco grocery app when i do the shopping.

You need to work out how to get rid of this man. I don't say this lightly but seriously, start planning. Do you have some support elsewhere? Parents, or friends?

Even before you mentioned the financial situation you were never being unreasonable. Being a sahm does not mean you are a skivvy, I don't care how hard he works. I haven't 'collected' laundry from my children since they were 12, let alone doing it for an adult. And if he wants you to keep on top of the chores then he needs to be parenting his children when he's home.

Honestly, he sounds like a waste of space.

Apologies as I've just read your update, but I'd still get rid of him

Does you husband work seven days a week?
Does your husband work require him to be on duty 24 hours a day?
Does your husband have to grow an entire new human being at the moment?

Why when he got the last pair of clean underwear out of the drawer couldn't help say, have you got more drying so I'm not left short tomorrow? If he was a single person would he expect clean clothes to appear by magic in his drawer or would he take responsibility for himself n take 10mins to turn on the machine? Yes your a SAHM but your not his mother. Your keeping his kids clean, fed & cared for and doing what you can to keep your home in order. I would tell him your more than happy to wash his things along with everyone else's but that he is the one responsible for ensuring he has what he needs ready the night before. Its a partnership, your not his PA.

That’s ridiculous. He works what 40 hours a week maybe more but you’re suggesting she do 168?! Surely it should be 40 (maybe 45-50 hours) each and then the remaining 128 are split 50/50.

@KewNutty i'd be telling him that if he wants his clothes washed, to at least put them in the ruddy laundry basket! You shouldn't have to go around behind him picking up his dirty laundry, it's the least he can do if he wants the washed. It annoys me when you have to go around behind them picking up their crap when they can't be bothered to put it where it's meant to go

As a SAHM I would definitely expect you to be doing all the housework during the week as effectively that is your job along with looking after the children during the week. I can’t imagine how you would run out of anything though with 4 of you in the house. The washing baskets must be overflowing before you run out of pants! And if not, he doesn’t have enough so buy some more. Problem solved! I have to tell you though… my 3 children are very similar address to yours and compared to 3, 2 is a total dream especially with one being at school. Things are going to get a lot harder and he will need to up his game in regards to caring for the children. Bath time, feeding, bedtime, cuddles while you’re cooking the dinner. these are things he should want to do as a parent. It’s quality bonding time that doesn’t require a huge amount of energy and will give you a breather or a chance to give another one of your children the 1:1 they need.

Leave. Her. Alone.

She came here to say she is struggling to hold it together and you tell her to do a better job sticking on the washing machine? Get off her back, mumsnet.

OP, you need an afternoon off. Alone. Luckily, your children’s father is actually present in their lives and does not work on weekends. Ta-da!

Take yourself off to the cinema or a cafe with a book or a walk in the park with an ice cream for a couple of hours. Come home and ask him what’s for dinner and why hasn’t he had time to walk the dog and empty the dishwasher.

I'm stunned many people believe you're his slave. Firstly, you're pregnant. You need rest too. Secondly he sounds like a lazy mofo. During the hours he works yes try to do the basics as it sounds like you're already doing but you're also looking after an 8 month old during this time. This is full on. Secondly he is a selfish prat... you're also working hard and exhausted. So when he is home he can get off his arse and split the chores/kids equally. He's a parent too, is he not? He needs to step up or step out. I find it revolting anyone would suggest otherwise. I wish you luck and so much love for the upcoming baby x

This is a grown man right? I expect my 10 year old to give me a heads up when he's down to his last couple of pairs of clean pants. I work part-time, my husband full time. I have no problem doing a lot of the housework because I have 2 days a week where my son is in school and my husband works, but they can both keep track of their own stuff.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable!! He may work long hours, but your job sounds like it’s 24/7! He gets weekends off, by the sounds of it, you certainly do not! Regardless of whether your 6yo is at school or not, if you are carrying the entire weight of the household, including the mental load that goes with it, it’s not going to be sustainable when your baby arrives!

If he lived alone, he would have to work his job, and shock horror, do his own washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc. He’s a grown man for crying out loud!

Add to this that the children are both of your responsibilities, not solely yours!

I am baffled by the amount of people on this thread who think it’s reasonable that he goes to work and so you shoulder absolutely everything else? At the bare minimum he should be getting involved at the weekends, parenting his children, and contributing to the household labour.

If it was my other half, I would be having some incredibly stern words, and if nothing changed, I’d be leaving. At least then I would have one less person to fetch and carry for.

You're his wife and not his maid. You haven't commented on the temperament or your 8 month old but I know when my little girl was 8 months I could barely get anything done as she was all over the place and I couldn't take my eyes off her for long.
I can understand in the moment him being frustrated, but if he knew he was running low he could have put on a wash himself or mentioned it to you. He needs to take some responsibility and stop treating you like his mum/ maid
It's the mental load you're carrying as well as everything else. Plus you're 7 weeks pregnant. Are you struggling more than usual due to being pregnant?

Also about money, can you make sure your NI contributions are being paid? It’s really important to look after your own pension.

How many hours a week does he work? How many hours a week do you work (because everything you do to look after your 3 kids (including him) and the house is work)? I'm guessing you do more and are knackered and it's not unreasonable for him to do a share of what needs doing in the house. You'll be doing 2 school runs, entertaining your little one at out of house or in house activities, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, managing any repairs, deliveries etc, looking after your 6 year old when home, taking her to activities and you're pregnant! I bet you don't knock off until well into the evening and then will be woken through the night for the little one. Give yourself a weekend off and let him realise how hard your job is. 💜

😂😂

Doesn't work?! Are you for real?! 😳

Sorry, but it's not at all OK that he got annoyed about the pants!

He works in the day, you also work in the day looking after kids. When he gets home from work, it should be a 50/50 split on kids, housework, everything. Baring in mind, any career you had is on hold to bring up his children (as well as yours).

Absolutely no way would I put up with any of this 1950's misogyny in my home..

When I was a SAHM, I did my best, but I ended up going back to working full time and now we split everything.

Just because you are a SAHM does not mean you are a cook, cleaner, maid etc