To ask for help with housework

I think you need to be more organised and maybe have a to do list each day. I had two kids very close in age and did all housework, cooking, cleaning etc etc and also worked a couple of evenings a week for a bit of pin money. I went back to work full time when they both started school and then the load was shared. I had loads of free time during the day/week when I wasn’t working, so I really don’t understand getting so far behind when you’ve literally got all day, every day. Are you depressed? Are you sat on your phone for hours at a time? Somethings not right and I think you may need to ask for help from your doctor if you’re feeling down.

I never said there was

I said he should help with the kids
Pick up his own shit
And cook or tidy up after when he is home

There is no such thing as 'pin money'.

Of course what OP needs to do is get up before she goes to bed - and start living in a cardboard box on't motorway a la monty python...

God's sake are we actually living in 2023?

But also he is financially controlling and that needs sorting out

Exactly this!

If OP did work, there’s a good chance she’d still be on maternity leave. I’m on mat leave with my baby and I expect help when my DH gets home from work and on weekends. Yes, he’s worked all day but I am not a maid or anyone’s slave.

Why do people think that OP should have two jobs; one looking after the children and the other to run the house completely alone, yet her DH only has to have one?

Due to her DH working hours, it sounds very unlikely OP gets a break so the very least she might want is a fair distribution of chores and cooking etc.

She’s looking after her 8 month old, surely that’s clear from her OP.

Did you just ignore yours and shove them in front of the TV because if you had all that free time with two little ones you couldn’t have been doing much parenting?

OP doesn’t have a husband. And she’s being financially abused.

Hi OP, just wanted to say you’re doing an amazing job, being a SAHM is a job in itself and being pregnant on top is hard. I would say prioritise the littler jobs like laundry and the dishes and if that’s all you do for the day so be it (if your partner definitely can’t help). My ex was exactly like this and I found it really difficult to cope with the whole running of the house and looking after a baby, things didn’t get better even when I went back to work the housework was still my sole responsibility. I am much happier with my current partner who even though he is at work everyday he still helps and shares the laundry! We made sure when we moved in together that everything would be shared and things work well. Your partner could definitely shove a load of his pants on and ask you nicely to dry them before he leaves for work, or even the night before. You’re not his slave. Hope things work out x

His washing goes in the basket or it doesn't get done.

And he needs to tell you when he gets down to his last couple of clean pairs anyway

It’s interesting what roles people assign each other. If I was working full time I still wouldn’t expect my husband to clean my pants for me. In fact, from what I read on MN, most women who work full time are still expected to do all the childcare and all the pants anyway just because they are the ‘wife.’

So you work 24/7 and he works maybe 10 hours a day and gets to absolve himself of all responsibility?

He can't even wash his own clothes and you say you couldn't do his job... Are you sure!? Because with skills that limited I don't see what he is doing that you couldn't 🤣

I can't stand all of this notion that being a sahp isn't hard and onerous and thankless. Your partner doesn't seem to value the fact you are alway "on" always "working" and he gets to throw a paddy if the things he wants aren't at the end of his fingertips.

I'm sure there are great things in your relationship but ultimately you need to consider the division of labour in your home. You can buy some cards called play fair or something which help you have conversations about how the labour of a home is divided and yes before anyone says it you can use them even if one works and one doesn't. Domestic labour is labour still.
Have a difficult conversation and save your sanity.

Yanbu! He gets to switch off but you are always on duty. Can you negotiate a half day off each week to rest, read, walk in the sunshine etc? No kids!

He probably gets a break at work (is entitled to one in fact) whereas you get nothing. Even if baby sleeps a little you'll be using the time to get on with things.

You must be absolutely exhausted and with another baby in the way it is time to talk. You need help on his days off

Or when he finishes early. Even if he does fun stuff like bathing the kids.

And definitely no more tantrums.

Good luck xx

Any problems just get him to read the terms and conditions of a paid nanny - he will need one if you aren't looking after his children.

If I had a partner who refused to do anything at home and also got a dog I didn’t want, that he refused to care for, there is no question I would rehome the dog. I would hope it found a nice home, but that’s just you are my servant territory and I wouldn’t put up with it for 30 seconds. He does less than a single man who would come home to an empty flat with no food bought or cooked and no washing done, why should a man with two children a dog and a pregnant partner who can’t afford a cleaner expect to do LESS at home than a single man?

What he’s doing (or rather not doing) is not ok. Not ok at all. You’re not a slave that is on duty 24/7, while he works and then comes home to doss about and be waited on.

Your partner sounds like a selfish prick.

He could help more definitely. And your finances should be shared if you're a sahm.

The only way I got my partner to help more because I couldn't manage doing it all on my own anymore was by intentionally leaving things I knew he would do . E.g. he now does the majority of cooking, does most of the ironing (we're a family that do minimal ironing - his work clothes and dds uniform).

He does some washing up and occasionally sticks a load of washing on and / or hangs it out if I haven't gotten to it now too.

He always came home and did dds bathtime as a baby and got her ready for bed before I fed her.

Oh also, don't go picking up his stuff, if it's not in the basket, it doesn't get washed! He's not another kid to pick up after and should be modelling better behavior for your kids too. If they see you picking up after him, why should they bother picking up after themselves.
And if he doesn't let you know he's running out of something, that's on him! He needs to give a couple of days warning!

You should have better expectations for yourself! I'm sure you deserve more.

But why have you decided that she HAS to do the washing and if he helps then it's cooking or tidying up after cooking

Why is she responsible for housework washing and drying

What makes a man more capable of cooking than laundry

These are incredible arbitrary roles you are telling her she is responsible for

Great advice for a woman being financially abused with limited access to money

It does sound like abuse, financial and contempt for you.

I bet if he just cleaned up after himself, things would be easier.

Throwing his stuff around and doing nothing shows his lack of respect and caring for you.

I'd be rethinking this pregnancy. And the dog "got lost" reholme one day.

No matter how busy his job you can tell from what you say that he’s opted out of the more tedious bits of home life.
Good, mature, kind partners do as much as they can when they’re home even if they’re working many hours.

Bare minimum he needs to put his washing in the basket.

I agree that generally he can’t just be putting his feet up at home whilst you carry on working - that’s not fair. Although if he’s been working since 3, then it probably does mean he can go to bed/ get some rest as soon as he’s home. Depends what’s been going on I guess.

Throwing clothes about and getting angry about the washing isn’t acceptable though. I think a grown adult should be able to deal with their own laundry. I don’t know why he couldn’t just take a hairdryer to one of the pairs that weren’t quite dry from the wash though - that would get it sorted for that day. A tumble dryer would also be a good idea!

He is financially abusive too. Sorry I missed that.

That really is no way to live - you should have equal access to money.

You are not the fucking pants fairy. Tell him to grow up.
You're doing a great job op. My two dc are 15 months apart and it was hell for 5 years and that's without an adult baby throwing his toys about. Get a cleaner if possible. Even 2 hours would help

I am really surprised by the responses and how many people think that being a SAHM also means you are a house keeper who is on duty 24 hours a day.I also didn't know that working absolves you of ever looking after your children or doing any household tasks. He should absolutely be doing more. I am sure you are doing whatever you can when you get a chance around looking after your kids in the day. Whatever doesn't get done and needs doing he should be helping with of an evening. That's being a parent and being an adult.

Im surprised at how many women here are defending the husband/ partner!!

You should have designated jobs housework wise. I’ve never done vacuuming or dusting and I don’t wash up after dinner. Re washing: hard to do much on these hot days. Buy more pants so you have longer to catch up on washing