To ask for help with housework

Why are you pregnant again if it’s already hard? I don’t want to be that person but if things are already tough at home, why bring another baby to make it even more chaotic? It’s like seeing something is on fire and then trying to run into the fire, that doesn’t help obviously 🤦‍♀️

Overall it sounds like he should be doing more around the house. Just because you work it doesn’t mean you get a free pass, as if he lived on his own he would have to take care of it all.

As someone with no kids who has defending the OP against all the "I had kids and I did it all" comments I would say generally its not the people without children who are misunderstanding this tbh

I actually can’t believe some of these comments 😱
you’re doing a great job and it’s such hard work keeping on top of everything alone!
Getting annoyed and waking the rest of the house up in a tantrum is not okay.
id expect more help when he’s home. You are working long hours all day everyday with no down time (even if it’s is a different way) it’s still exhausting especially pregnant.
even if he’s not going to help, bare minimum would be to be understanding and appreciative of the work you are putting in as well

What do people not understand about the term Stay at home mum? People with no kids presumably misunderstand this but the children keep you busy 80% of the day, if you were working from home and he was working out of the home would you still be expected to do 100% of the housework? You need downtime from being a mum and doing all the chores just as you need a rest when you come home from work. I think your partner is being horrible, maybe he doesn’t realise how hard it can be? Can you leave him a day to do it all and see what he manages to achieve?

Go away/stay with friends or family for 2-3 nights over a weekend and he can manage the household whilst you’re away. He’ll realise just how hard you work.

Being a SAHP does not = being unsupported, under appreciated and treated unfairly

You are not being unreasonable.

I’m on maternity leave at the moment, I’ve temporarily replaced my 39 hour a week job with raising our child 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, compared to my husband’s 39 hour a week job. Granted your husband seems to work a lot more hours, but not round the clock.

Stay at home mom does what it says on the tin. The word housekeeper isn’t in the title.

If I were in the office I couldn’t do the housework so if I get some done now it’s a bonus, but not the reason I’m home. I don’t sit on my backside all day, I entertain and care for our child and when she naps I have a few minutes to myself or get some odd jobs done, tidy away after playing with the baby etc. You share the house so the maintenance of it should be shared too.

I wonder how he’d feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

When mine were little I put a load of washing on every morning, and folded and put away at children's bathtime (there was always enough for a small load)
It was the one thing I got right. The house may have been a pit, but I didn't have a huge pile of clothes lying around.

Also, tell him to buy more pants, and if he wants his clothes cleaned then the least he can do is put them in a designated spot.
He wouldn't expect the mechanic to randomly find his car if it needed fixing.
I think you sound overwhelmed and you are probably double handling a lot of the time, so until you can work out some more efficient ways to manage then he needs to cut you some slack.
Meanwhile the least he can do is work on not being part of the problem.

My youngest is 12 now and others in uni so no young kids and I do now work however, for some years when kids were younger I didn’t. Our view was that whilst he was in work I also worked - looking after children, school drop off, pick up, washing, cleaning house etc. Out of that time we did things together, therefore I may have cooked tea as I was home or with very young children who we got to bed before tea, I might not have and he would have cooked, then we’d have shared the washing up or one might have washed up while one did a different job. My mum never worked and thinking about it I think that this was the example that she set because it’s how we naturally did things. At weekends, we also did things equally as they were as much my weekends as his. Mostly it involved doing things with the children. So as much work as possible was done in the week. However, I worked as best as I could in the week and my husband knew that. I am not a sitting around kind of person but if I’d been out seeing friends etc, my husband would have known that socialising with children is part of being a stay at home mum and therefore I could have fallen behind, not that he would ever notice if I had. You don’t make it sound like you are really on top of things though and perhaps that is the problem. Are you happy to sit doing nothing all day or are you more proactive. Regarding the pants however, buy more pants. I really don’t know how long I’d have to leave the washing to run out of underwear! They might not have their favourite underwear all the time but my family always would have underwear!

How many hours a week is he working (outside the home) and how many hours a week do you work (in the home). If you’re putting in more hours than him he needs to step up.

Also I would absolutely refuse to wash any clothes that are not in a washing basket. Make sure you’re teaching your 6yo this too. Completely unacceptable to pick up a grown man’s dirty washing.

This sounds awful, OP. As somebody else said above, it sounds like a life of drudgery.

I don't know how you feel about your husband, but I couldn't live with somebody like that. Could be worth thinking about leaving him. I hope things will improve for you

Totally agree with this. This is fair.

It’s not helping her. It isn’t her sole responsibility to look after the house and children. This isn’t the 1950s.

Sounds to me like he works hard and full time support you and it sounds like to me like he doesn’t understand that your job is full time too! Whilst he might do an 8 hour shift, looking after an 8 month old and running a house as well is basically an 18 hour shift and you’re still waking to feed in the night too presumably. Might you be able to have a chat and help him to understand everything that you have to do around the house?

Im sure he could have better handled not having any pants. I’ve seen my husband turn around look at the situation and turn some inside out 🤣

life is extremely hard for the person in either position so we need to try to be understanding of the others situation. I have to say I don’t think you’re being unreasonable here. You can’t be Wonder Woman, if you’re struggling, you’re struggling, you don’t need judgement,
you need help.

Sorry, but it's not at all OK that he got annoyed about the pants!

He works in the day, you also work in the day looking after kids. When he gets home from work, it should be a 50/50 split on kids, housework, everything. Baring in mind, any career you had is on hold to bring up his children (as well as yours).

Absolutely no way would I put up with any of this 1950's misogyny in my home..

When I was a SAHM, I did my best, but I ended up going back to working full time and now we split everything.

Just because you are a SAHM does not mean you are a cook, cleaner, maid etc

Doesn't work?! Are you for real?! 😳

😂😂

How many hours a week does he work? How many hours a week do you work (because everything you do to look after your 3 kids (including him) and the house is work)? I'm guessing you do more and are knackered and it's not unreasonable for him to do a share of what needs doing in the house. You'll be doing 2 school runs, entertaining your little one at out of house or in house activities, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, managing any repairs, deliveries etc, looking after your 6 year old when home, taking her to activities and you're pregnant! I bet you don't knock off until well into the evening and then will be woken through the night for the little one. Give yourself a weekend off and let him realise how hard your job is. 💜

Also about money, can you make sure your NI contributions are being paid? It’s really important to look after your own pension.

You're his wife and not his maid. You haven't commented on the temperament or your 8 month old but I know when my little girl was 8 months I could barely get anything done as she was all over the place and I couldn't take my eyes off her for long.
I can understand in the moment him being frustrated, but if he knew he was running low he could have put on a wash himself or mentioned it to you. He needs to take some responsibility and stop treating you like his mum/ maid
It's the mental load you're carrying as well as everything else. Plus you're 7 weeks pregnant. Are you struggling more than usual due to being pregnant?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable!! He may work long hours, but your job sounds like it’s 24/7! He gets weekends off, by the sounds of it, you certainly do not! Regardless of whether your 6yo is at school or not, if you are carrying the entire weight of the household, including the mental load that goes with it, it’s not going to be sustainable when your baby arrives!

If he lived alone, he would have to work his job, and shock horror, do his own washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc. He’s a grown man for crying out loud!

Add to this that the children are both of your responsibilities, not solely yours!

I am baffled by the amount of people on this thread who think it’s reasonable that he goes to work and so you shoulder absolutely everything else? At the bare minimum he should be getting involved at the weekends, parenting his children, and contributing to the household labour.

If it was my other half, I would be having some incredibly stern words, and if nothing changed, I’d be leaving. At least then I would have one less person to fetch and carry for.

This is a grown man right? I expect my 10 year old to give me a heads up when he's down to his last couple of pairs of clean pants. I work part-time, my husband full time. I have no problem doing a lot of the housework because I have 2 days a week where my son is in school and my husband works, but they can both keep track of their own stuff.

I'm stunned many people believe you're his slave. Firstly, you're pregnant. You need rest too. Secondly he sounds like a lazy mofo. During the hours he works yes try to do the basics as it sounds like you're already doing but you're also looking after an 8 month old during this time. This is full on. Secondly he is a selfish prat... you're also working hard and exhausted. So when he is home he can get off his arse and split the chores/kids equally. He's a parent too, is he not? He needs to step up or step out. I find it revolting anyone would suggest otherwise. I wish you luck and so much love for the upcoming baby x

Leave. Her. Alone.

She came here to say she is struggling to hold it together and you tell her to do a better job sticking on the washing machine? Get off her back, mumsnet.

OP, you need an afternoon off. Alone. Luckily, your children’s father is actually present in their lives and does not work on weekends. Ta-da!

Take yourself off to the cinema or a cafe with a book or a walk in the park with an ice cream for a couple of hours. Come home and ask him what’s for dinner and why hasn’t he had time to walk the dog and empty the dishwasher.

As a SAHM I would definitely expect you to be doing all the housework during the week as effectively that is your job along with looking after the children during the week. I can’t imagine how you would run out of anything though with 4 of you in the house. The washing baskets must be overflowing before you run out of pants! And if not, he doesn’t have enough so buy some more. Problem solved! I have to tell you though… my 3 children are very similar address to yours and compared to 3, 2 is a total dream especially with one being at school. Things are going to get a lot harder and he will need to up his game in regards to caring for the children. Bath time, feeding, bedtime, cuddles while you’re cooking the dinner. these are things he should want to do as a parent. It’s quality bonding time that doesn’t require a huge amount of energy and will give you a breather or a chance to give another one of your children the 1:1 they need.

@KewNutty i'd be telling him that if he wants his clothes washed, to at least put them in the ruddy laundry basket! You shouldn't have to go around behind him picking up his dirty laundry, it's the least he can do if he wants the washed. It annoys me when you have to go around behind them picking up their crap when they can't be bothered to put it where it's meant to go