To ask for help with housework

Me too, I’m 60 and I’d never tolerate some outmoded approach to chores worse than my parents would have had

Omg 😱 is this 1959? As my Mum - born in the 1930s - would say “women fought for the right to equality in the home, at the workplace and the ballot box”

Fucking mahoosive red flag right there - "he controls all the money".

This isn't something I would normally say but are you in the space where you could cope with another baby with this controlling arse? You do have options...

I drew a line in the sand early in my relationship with DH - I don't do your laundry and I don't do your ironing either. Wish I had drawn a few more lines, but, you live and learn.

He sounds like an abusive, misogynistic man child. He’s financially abusive, shouts and throws things about, makes unreasonable demands. Ick.

You don't have a good relationship really

No access to money and you are a slave to the home and children.

I work and my partner is a stay at home dad. Ultimately I know that FT childcare and just a bit of housework can be overwhelming, particularly if things get out of control after a busy social weekend or if someone is unwell. So I try not to be a dick and I take responsibility for making sure my own clothes are clean, and on weekends we share a lot of the heavier chores. You aren’t a servant, you’re his partner. He needs to grow up and take on some of the responsibility of being a husband and father: you don’t get to delegate everything just because you work.

Why are people not bothering to at least read OPs posts?
there is no husband
the boyfriend is financially abusing the OP

OP other thread said the boyfriend impregnated her again then wanted her to end the pregnancy, said the house is too small and too expensive to house all these people.

Sounds appalling, OP I hope you can get this bloke out of your life, and gain employment, do t allow this shit man to continue his abuse.

This

,@KewNutty
I don't think that it is reasonable to ask for help.with the housework unless he can ask you to he!p provide financial support if he feels exhausted or overwhelmed and needs to take time off from work.

I do think , however, that it is reasonable to expect him to help with the kids. Actually caring for his kids is not helping you ; it is sharing in the responsibility for his children.

You're not his maid!
And I can't believe he didn't notice he was low on clean pants until there were none left all.
If it's not in the wash basket it doesn't get washed and that's on him not you.
Sahm or not, he's part of the family and the fact he works doesn't mean he's Scot free of all family related chores.

Being a SAHM doesn't mean you can read minds. He's a fully grown adult he's capable of realising he needs pants washing and telling you... I was a SAHM for 8 years and my husband worked very hard but if he needed certain washing doing he'd ask me or even just leave it in the machine... running a household is very hard work without also anticipating everyone's needs... he's not one of your children he can anticipate and communicate his owns needs. He's acting like a fkn child getting cross coz he has no clean pants. Ridiculous. Takes 5 mins to realise you are running low on pants and tell your wife or put some in the wash yourself.
And yes he should bloody help with washing up too... your main job is caring for your children not waiting hand and foot on a man child.. what on earth would he do if he were single? Just never wash his pants and never do the washing up? He can gtfoh. Lots of people work and manage to do basic household tasks. Your job and the reason why you aren't in paid employment, is to care for your children and any household tasks arising from them.. as a bonus if you have time put his laundry in too and obviously if you are cooking them an evening meal include a portion for him... but you aren't his fkn maid that's ridiculous

Suggest he buys an extra pack of pants just in case it happens again? Running out by getting behind on one wash seems unnecessary. I do think a SAHM should be doing majority of the housework given his type of work but laundry basket is a must and some agreement over how things are done at weekends. I can see why he was irritated if the deal you both have had for some time was that you do the laundry but fine to say ‘new rule, dirty clothes must be in basket on x days’. Don’t dwell on this.

The money set up sounds very wrong though. Something to definitely try to address.

The only thing that's unreasonable is asking for help as if the housework is entirely your responsibility! He can do his own washing. You should have joint access to the accounts. I can't believe that there are women on here defending this set up. You need to push back. Men are always trying to get away with stuff like this.

And you are saving this man vast amounts of money and time doing the things you do for him. If he had to pay for an actual cleaner and for childcare that would be costly or he'd have to lessen his working hours to do it himself.
It grinds my gears men acting like this... does he understand hed be up shit creek whilst your life might actually be a bit better at this point if you just left him? Because you'd have one less child to care for and a bit more peace... whilst he'd suddenly be in the real world where people who work full time still have to wash their own pants and do their own washing up

I only have 1 kid and I go to work for a "break" 😅 you have 2 and you're pregnant! Whatever he's doing, sorry but being a parent is harder. If he's there he should help. When is your down time??

This is one of the many reasons I don't bother with men. We are expected to cook and clean for them and be a domestic drudge. I do not envy women at all who cohabit especially with children which just brings more work. Some men help but these are rare.

Honestly this sounds like a really bad situation to me. He controls the finances? This is not OK. Waking up the children because he doesn’t have pants? Absolutely not OK. Making you search around the house for his clothes? Not OK. I get that his job is stressful and tiring and he needs a rest, but that does not mean you should have to clean up after him or raise your children by yourself. Think about it this way: when he is at work, so are you. You are working by taking care of the house AND you are contributing financially to the household by eliminating the need for paying for childcare. When he gets home, he expects to be off work but for you to continue working your job. Household and childcare tasks should be shared during this time, just as they should if you worked outside of the house instead of i the house.

Also, why is the house getting messier on h th e weekends? Is he making that mess? You absolutely should not be expected to clean up after him as if he is a small child.

Honestly, this sounds like a very concerning dynamic. It sounds like he is trying to keep you from feeling like you deserve anything better. And it sounds like a relationship that could easily become abusive, if it isn’t already (financial control is a common aspect of abusive partnerships.) Do you have anyone in your life who makes you feel valued? If you do, try to spend a lot of time with them or at least talk to them often. I’d also recommend researching signs of abuse and knowing the abuse hotline number in your area in case you ever need it.

You sound like you are doing a great job, and you should be getting more support and care.

Firstly, it's up to both of you to pay for and organise childcare, not just you.

Secondly, stop having kids with this partner.

There are bigger problems here than him not having enough pants!

Why do so many women tolerate this bullshit? Yes I think if you are a SAH parent, you need to do the bulk of the housework and the childcare. But to not have access to the finances etc? OP what about your future, pension etc? I would definitely look to get a job if I were you.

I agree with previous posters to focus on activities for the kids when asking him to help. Highlight that it will given them memories for future of when dad bathed them, read to them etc.

I don’t think you mentioned if he worked at the weekend but if not that’s definitely one to focus on as to what he could help with so you don’t get behind in the week. Eg take dog and kids out for a hour or two, one or two household tasks etc

Finally, it’s not unreasonable to ask that all dirty clothes make it to the washing basket, plates to sink etc to help keep the house tidy as well a# speed up jobs for you

i hope things improve and you are able to establish a routine so that you are in a good place before dc3 arrives

You think a pregnant woman shouldnt be able to expect her partner to pitch in with the household chores because he keeps all the money to himself which means she cant afford childcare and cannot go back to work?

Actually caring for his kids is not helping you

Neither is housework for that matter. But even if it was what you are saying is that its unreasonable to expect man to help his pregnant partner

How is that a partnership exactly?

if he feels exhausted or overwhelmed and needs to take time off from work.

The guy gets sick leave and holidays. The woman gets an entire life of unsupported work with no breaks. But sure equality and all that.

Posters on MN:

Childfree women cant possibly know how tiring and how busy being a mum is. Going out to work full time is a doddle compared to it.

Also on MN:

SAHMs should be responsible for all of the housework and most of the parenting because its less stressful and tiring than working full time.

oh I felt so sorry for you reading this post.

on the one hand, your partner does work REALLY long hours, and could be potentially 70 hour weeks so I do see his point of view in that it’s really tiring. But he gets to clock out and I assume he gets annual leave too

BUT your week is 168 hours as you do EVERYTHING with the kids 24/7 and have to do all house related tasks, you don’t get a start time or stop time, you don’t get annual leave and it sounds like you’re massively unappreciated

the most pressing issues I see are him being a. Lazy (put your damn clothes in a wash basket for a start, there are definitely things he can do to make your life easier) and b. So disrespectful and childish re the pants, bet he also didn’t clean up all the clothes the threw around either

the first trimester is really hard and being pregnant is so tiring in itself, looking after a 7mo is also very hard work, and although your eldest is in school of course you’re tied to the pick up and drop off and there will be related homework and being a parent to them outside of 9-3!
you have another on the way it will get harder of course so it sort of needs addressing now.

My humble opinion is -
you should be handling the majority of the housework but maybe like 90% of it, he could do some like the washing up for example
on his days off it’s 50/50
you should get some ‘time off’ from being a stay at home parent for at least a couple of hours a week where he handles the kids and you literally do whatever you want
tell him somethings got to change, which maybe the dog…? Less expense, you could get a cleaner and it’s less stuff for you to do
if he’s not negotiable on that then that sort of tells you how much he values how you feel.

you can’t pour from an empty cup, and you’re trying to do that right now.
this man is your partner, he needs to act like it and support you and compromise on SOMETHING
hes also your children’s parent and it sounds like he’s doing a bit of a shit job at that as well frankly

It’s not wrong to need help and asking for it should be enough to show him you need it, you and his children should be his number 1 priority
maybe he can search for another job?

when I was carrying my second my husband refused to help (different situation, 8.30-4.30 working hours he had more capacity to help me) so I left him for 2 weeks and he soon changed his tune!

I wish you all the luck in the world. If you were my neighbour I’d happily take the baby for you to rest during the day. Have you got a friend or family who could offer some support to you and your family? You poor soul, you deserve to be heard x

It’s not reasonable that all housework should be done when home with an 8 month old I remember days on my maternity leave where it was almost impossible to get things done. People seem to be forgetting OP is pregnant and will more than likely be feeling exhausted from the sound of it they are expected to do everything. When I was on maternity leave with 2 under 3 my husband still came home and did the dishwasher helped tidy up and helped out the kids to bed. Being a SAHM is equivalent to a full time job.