Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloke at work, so fed up

229 replies

Diarea · 22/05/2023 08:23

I work in a small office. I get on with everyone but there is one bloke there who is basically sarcastic and negative to everyone and everything. He seems to have it in for me more than anyone else. Everytime I speak he laughs and questions what I’ve said. Example:

Talking about upcoming holidays I said I had booked a few nights in a “haunted castle” for Halloween and will be doing a paranormal investigation on Halloween night with a group. I know it’s not everyone’s idea of a fun night out but I love stuff like this and I’m really looking forward to it. Anyway he laughed and said “it’s not a haunted castle though is it? It’s a castle which the owners have described as haunted so that gullible people will pay more to stay there” (this was in front of everyone).

I said “well, probably, but I like stuff like that anyway”. He replied “you like being gullible?” Anyway it went on. This is one of many examples. It’s not bullying as such but it is relentless sarcasm and piss taking.

On Friday I’d had some bad news and everyone kept asking what was wrong. I confided in someone and he managed to hear about it 🙄 he came over and asked if I wanted to pop out for lunch with him to get some fresh air. Unusually nice of him so I stupidly took him up on it. We went to a cafe near where we work and we’re just talking like two normal colleagues, I was actually starting to feel better. As we finished up he paid despite me saying I’ll pay for my own and we left. As we got outside he asked if I felt better to which I said he did. He then shouted “fuck me, have you farted? That’s minging” totally caught me off guard, people turned to look at us, I didn’t say anything (I hadn’t of course, I was just mortified by how loud he was being). He then shouted “why have you come to work with Nora virus ? God go home and get changed before it leaks through” and then walked off leaving me stood there absolutely mortified.

I ended up going straight home as I was so upset. I’ve called my manager and told him what happened and he’s bringing him in today for a discussion but has basically said it’s his sense of humour.

AIBU to not go back to work until I know something will be done? Or am I being a baby about it? Everyone else seems to find him hilarious. I don’t know if it’s me being too sensitive or what but I can’t cope with it

OP posts:
EdieLedwell · 22/05/2023 15:19

Goodread1 · 22/05/2023 14:46

@Mari9999

People like you with your mindset, encourage shitty Arseholes mens types, like the one who mentioned to @Diarea have you farted ect?
to say more crude so called humour in reality

,its an excuse for Arseholes shitty men types to disguise their inadequacies, insecurities in plain sight under , offensive crude humour and emotionally abuse , women and men who they think they can get away with this,

Have you noticed Arseholes mens types don't try their crude humour on "as have you farted" to their bosses or job centre staff people ect or in other situations in which crude and nasty, sense of humour, would look reflect bad on them?

Interesting they don't go up to random strangers and say to them have you farted ?
or
To a bouncers at nightclubs /security men or anybody who look like they wouldn't take any crap from Anybody types at all. !

Interesting they can refrain stop themselves from acting nasty then. !

They know if they spoke like that to people like this,
they would see it for what it is,

It's bullying under disguise of offensive crude humour!

It's used as a effective tool, to humiliate degrade, make someone feel small, so their fragile egos if themselves feel a lot better, to the detrimental expense of other people.

It's classic bullying !

Some people are just too thick, stupid) or just unaware Naive, to see it for what it really is, !

I should know I made the unfortunate mistake of getting into a relationship with someone like this Arsehole guy, that @Diarea , is talking about.!

I realised I made a mistake, ditched him but the mistake I made of being with someone like this when I was extremely vunerable,

Means my son especially as well as my daughter who are his offspring have been so emotionally damaged by my shitty Arsehole ex partner ,
that my son Lack so much cofindence cause of his father being Arseholes man,

that I am having to look explore getting a fuck ton of Therapies to sort out his self esteem cofindence

Arsehole men make crap partners and fathers they are total shit 💩💩💩💩

💯 agree with this. I had to leave my job because of an individual the Op describes. I only later discovered my predecessor had turned to alcohol to cope with the toxicity of the workplace and was eventually fired because of her drinking.

As for me, I lasted 3 years in that environment before I walked away from a 30 year career.

It happened to two other colleagues after I left and I believe he had the cheek to bemoan the loss of me because "at least I could take a joke"

I ended up leaving that field entirely and setting up my own business.

The only reason others in the office are laughing along is because they don't want to be on the receiving end.

ShinySherry · 22/05/2023 15:21

YADNBU but why ON EARTH did you go to lunch with him?!? I mean, it's weird enough that he invited you in the first place, but then you agreed?! Have you left out some massive drip feed here about secretly fancying him or something?!

Coffeetree · 22/05/2023 15:28

EmmaEmerald · 22/05/2023 15:12

Coffeetree "True but it's also the responsibility of the OP to have basic interpersonal boundaries in place and try to manage the "fawn" response."

how is this guy fawning?

I mean it sounds like she's fawning. Like the trauma response of trying to be nice to someone who's being awful.

It's totally understandable but it also can make it harder to get help.

EmmaEmerald · 22/05/2023 15:31

Coffeetree · 22/05/2023 15:28

I mean it sounds like she's fawning. Like the trauma response of trying to be nice to someone who's being awful.

It's totally understandable but it also can make it harder to get help.

Show quote history

I thought it sounded like OP is trying to be polite

going for lunch was probably a moment of thinking he might be human.

xsquared · 22/05/2023 15:41

This is definitely bullying op.

Saying this is is sense of humour and that you're too sensitive is exactly what a bully would say to justify their behaviour, avoid accountability and blame the victim for not being able to take a joke.

Do not argue or engage with him any further, because people like him get off on the power trip. Keep a record of the things he says and does. I bet he will hate being ignored and will say anything to provoke you. When you talk to other colleagues, and he butts in next time, tell him not to eavesdrop and to mind his own business.

Is he generally popular in the office? This could be why others haven't really challenged him on his behaviour.

OCarumba · 22/05/2023 15:42

Coffeetree · 22/05/2023 14:31

Good point, but OP is continuing to engage with lengthy discussions around haunted castles etc. He is vile, and a good manager would want to address him, but there's a huge difference between:

"I was trying to finish the TPW reports and Bob kept making unwanted personal comments.'

And

"I said this about castles and then he said that about nail technicians and then I asked him why he would say that about Slimming World and then we went out to lunch and he said..."

No for sure, can see what you mean!

OCarumba · 22/05/2023 15:42

@Coffeetree I think it’s definitely good advice for OP going forward

OCarumba · 22/05/2023 15:45

EmmaEmerald · 22/05/2023 15:12

Coffeetree "True but it's also the responsibility of the OP to have basic interpersonal boundaries in place and try to manage the "fawn" response."

how is this guy fawning?

Coffee was referring to the OP’s ‘fawn response’ (as in fight, flight, freeze, fawn)

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 22/05/2023 15:58

There’s something wrong with him. Jesus.

I said “well, probably, but I like stuff like that anyway”. He replied “you like being gullible?”

“You like being a cunt?” would have been my reply.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/05/2023 18:44

As a manager, I would not expect my reports to bring such issues to me

Neither would I if this was a one-off passing remark, clearly open to interpretation

But what OP's described sounds more like a targeted campaign and that's certainly something I'd want to know about. No need for dramatics; a simple "please be more careful about how you behave around other staff" would do - unless he ignored that too of course

Mari9999 · 22/05/2023 23:49

U menfortunately, the definition for bullying has been so elastcized as to have become almost meaningless.
Crude and tasteless comments are not bullying. This guy has no control over the OP in the workplace and there is, at least as described, no power imbalance in play.

Sometimes, jerks are just jerks. There is a tendency now for people to classify differing opinions and differing outlooks as bullying. Doing something that may hurt my feelings is not the same thing as bullying me.

The OP can choose not to engage in any discussions with this guy that are not work related. She need not sit at the same break room or lunch room table ,and she can elect not to group socialize before or after work if he is a part of the group. These proactive steps on her part will effectively reduce in any opportunity for them to interact outside of mandatory work related situations.

Tbh, managers will overlook a lot of poor interpersonal skill indicators from a very productive or valuable employee, and they are not likely to appreciate being forced to respond to something that it not necessarily work related.

In any case, the OP has reported him, so if that is the appropriate solution , she has taken that step.

SgtBilko · 23/05/2023 00:20

I agree it is bullying. He is trying to humiliate you and make you feel small. The only way to deal with people like that is to stop responding to his jibes, literally grey rock him when he does it. He will eventually stop (and probably move onto someone else) but what a complete and utter prat.

Speakingmymind · 23/05/2023 06:35

As a manager, I would not expect my reports to bring such issues to me. If they were to do so, I would seriously question the adult decision making abilities of both parties.

If this is true, then it makes you a very poor manager indeed.

This is why they pay you more money, to sort shit out!

silverfullmoon · 23/05/2023 06:46

Speakingmymind · 23/05/2023 06:35

As a manager, I would not expect my reports to bring such issues to me. If they were to do so, I would seriously question the adult decision making abilities of both parties.

If this is true, then it makes you a very poor manager indeed.

This is why they pay you more money, to sort shit out!

I agree. As someone who runs a business I am appalled by this attitude. Toxic work environments cause poor staff retention, loss of productivity and ongoing conflicts that create division within the team. If you are unable or unwilling to address such issues then you are a terrible "manager".

whirlyswirly · 23/05/2023 06:57

Agree with @Coffeetree. From a managers perspective.

He was clearly out of order and needs dealing with but it also sounds like there is an awful lot of drama and oversharing which isn't helping anything.

I don't think I'd last long in a small office.

WisherWood · 23/05/2023 08:13

Toxic work environments cause poor staff retention, loss of productivity and ongoing conflicts that create division within the team. If you are unable or unwilling to address such issues then you are a terrible "manager".

This. And in many roles, such poor interpersonal skills - if that's how you choose to interpret his behaviour - make you a poor employee, not a brilliant one people will want to retain. He's a bully. His behaviour will be affecting the tone of the workplace. He needs to be told to wind his neck in.

MargotBamborough · 23/05/2023 08:18

silverfullmoon · 23/05/2023 06:46

I agree. As someone who runs a business I am appalled by this attitude. Toxic work environments cause poor staff retention, loss of productivity and ongoing conflicts that create division within the team. If you are unable or unwilling to address such issues then you are a terrible "manager".

Show quote history

I couldn't agree more. I nearly left my job due to a toxic work colleague. My manager initially put it down to a personality clash between me and him and I was utterly miserable. Then it became apparent that there wasn't anyone in the team he didn't have a personality clash with, but by then he'd passed his probation and it would have been too expensive to get rid of him. He was seconded to somewhere far away for 6 months, then we had Covid, then I went on maternity leave, so I managed to avoid him quite successfully. He eventually left of his own accord and it turned out we didn't know the half of it. As soon as he was gone and people didn't fear the potential repercussions, all these other people started coming out of the woodwork with their war stories, such as the fact that he'd told two separate women (including a 22 year old intern) that they shouldn't wear skinny jeans because their legs are too fat. I like my manager a lot but on this issue he buried his head in the sand and we all suffered for it.

Evaka · 23/05/2023 08:22

OP, he sounds absolutely appalling and cruel. Whole thing sounds like an episode of The Office and reminds me of the kind of shit people got away with in the 90s and 00s. It's not a small office thing- we're 40 at my org and this wouldn't be tolerated for five mins.

kateislate · 23/05/2023 08:44

Speakingmymind · 23/05/2023 06:35

As a manager, I would not expect my reports to bring such issues to me. If they were to do so, I would seriously question the adult decision making abilities of both parties.

If this is true, then it makes you a very poor manager indeed.

This is why they pay you more money, to sort shit out!

This with bells on. Pretty clear a few people on here should not be anywhere near a management position.

I couldn't agree more. I nearly left my job due to a toxic work colleague. My manager initially put it down to a personality clash between me and him and I was utterly miserable.

@MargotBamborough You'd be surprised how much the "personality clash" excuse is used by managers (basically to absolve them from their own responsibility). But I do think there's been a lot of change and HR departments are increasingly cutting through this bullshit now and weeding out the bad managers. It's crap you had to go through it and may have had to leave your job if this guy hadn't, simply because of a shit manager.

SamW98 · 23/05/2023 11:41

Speakingmymind · 23/05/2023 06:35

As a manager, I would not expect my reports to bring such issues to me. If they were to do so, I would seriously question the adult decision making abilities of both parties.

If this is true, then it makes you a very poor manager indeed.

This is why they pay you more money, to sort shit out!

I was a team manager for many years and this is exactly the sort of issue I would expect my team members to bring to me, that’s if I hadn’t already noticed myself and taken action.

Thats what the role of a manager involves. Being first port of call with an issue and then friending on the situation, to decide whether to involve HR.

Very poor management skills to not be able to take this on

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/05/2023 12:13

SgtBilko · 23/05/2023 00:20

I agree it is bullying. He is trying to humiliate you and make you feel small. The only way to deal with people like that is to stop responding to his jibes, literally grey rock him when he does it. He will eventually stop (and probably move onto someone else) but what a complete and utter prat.

I am afraid I disagree, @SgtBilko - I don't think ignoring bullying achieves anything at all. It was the advice my mum gave me when I was being bullied at school (from age 10 until I went to Sixth Form college), and it did not work at all. The bullying was relentless for years, and I did my absolute best to ignore it (despite it making me suicidal by my mid teens). I didn't even feel able to go back to my mum about it, because I knew she'd say I hadn't tried hard enough to ignore it.

Maybe if someone had told me it was OK for me to report the bullying - and that they'd have my back if there was a backlash (neither of which applied to my mum), I could have told the school, and the bullies might have stopped. But I didn't, and the bullying carried on and on, and my life was a misery.

Turfwars · 23/05/2023 12:59

Could it be negging OP?

AliceOlive · 23/05/2023 13:24

Speakingmymind · 23/05/2023 06:35

As a manager, I would not expect my reports to bring such issues to me. If they were to do so, I would seriously question the adult decision making abilities of both parties.

If this is true, then it makes you a very poor manager indeed.

This is why they pay you more money, to sort shit out!

Absolutely. It’s easy enough to do, also.

Heartsnrainbows · 23/05/2023 13:33

I worked with a guy exactly like that. Is his name Steve? 😂

It really was his sense of humour. At first I thought he hated me but it was genuinely thinking that everyone else had the same sense of humour so I started giving it right back to him and we ended up getting on like a house on fire.

SamW98 · 23/05/2023 14:49

The problem you sometimes find when you report these issues is that HR are useless.

I had an issue a few years ago with a guy at work who made comments about my appearance all the time to the point it was creepy. One example I was just off to lunch so quickly touched up my lipgloss at my desk. Immediately i received an email from him saying ‘your lips look very nice and kissable’

I did the ignore him and he will go away thing which sadly didn’t work.

It reached a head when I was at a work lunch with a group and he turned up. He sat opposite me staring the whole time which I ignored. Then I went to the ladies. When i came out, he was standing outside and said to me words to the effect of ‘women like you make me sick. You flaunt it and flirt and play the innocent. Back in my day you’d be called a prick tease’

I was shaken but kept my cool and just said ‘fuck off Dave’ to which he laughed and said ‘rattled you because you know I’m right’

I was pretty upset when I got back up my desk and told my manager - his immediate response was to ask if it was Dave and say it wasn’t hard to work out. But he said to me speak to HR and he would support me.

I spoke to HR told full story and their response - they couldn’t do anything as it was hearsay and their suggestion was we sat in a private room together and talked through our differences. WTAF???