Bloke at work, so fed up

I don't think he was being kind - I think he likes control and wanted to assert himself, then bring you down a peg or two.

Why are you engaging with him? Just step right back, remain polite, but share nothing with him and politely close down any attempts to start conversation. Your manager should be supporting you.

He sounds awful and makes me wonder why he chose to take you out to lunch only to do that
Was he after more information from you to use against you at another time ? The ' banter ' was disrespectful too. Making you feel bad and carrying on like an immature teenager.
The remark about the haunted castle was just a way of putting you down. Why people do this I've no idea to be honest, but they do. I could have ignored this, but the breaking wind 'joke 'was nasty.
I'd definitely try and ignore him as much as poss from now on and have any conversations well away from him or the office in general. 'Gray Rock ' is a good idea. He isn't trustworthy

He does the 'nice' stuff so he can pass it off as 'banter' between 'friends'.

He sounds like the kind of idiot who your mom would've told you fancied you when you were 7.

I’m not loving the comments that he probably fancies the OP. Normal men who are keen on a woman are nice to them. Even if he does fancy her, it isn’t really her problem.

I used to work with a man like this. Once, I was away from my desk and someone else sent my team (all men) an email from my computer to say that I was leaving to work in the Swedish film industry (at the time, this was code for porn). Then twatface forwarded it to the whole department. I laughed it off at the time (it was the year 2000) but it did sting. I suspect that the person I sat next to just hated women (weird because he was a young guy).

The world has moved on, thank goodness. Tell your manager that this is making you deeply unhappy at work (I like the phrase “feeling unsafe” that someone else upthread used).

My BIL is exactly like this. He is my husband's brother. Their father was incredibly domineering. He was an absolute bully. Everything was greeted with sarcasm and belittling. He is dead now. BIL behaves just like his father, even though he absolutely hated it being done to him. Everything is greeted with a snarky comment or a 'joke' that isn't a joke he's just being an arsehole. I get on very well with his partner. She said that he does it because he is incredibly insecure. He feels inadequate. His siblings are all very successful. He never quite got there and his father reminded him that he was the family failure frequently. Perhaps your colleague is frantically covering up the fact that he feels inadequate . It doesn't justify his behaviour but it might explain it. My husband said that he also grew up thinking that being cynical about everything somehow gave you the upper hand. Thankfully he realised years ago that it doesn't.

No you absolutely shouldn't have to put up with this at work and it needs to stop. I have a BIL like this. He has no idea how to behave or alter his actions to suit different situations. He behaves the same in a pub with his pals as he does in church at a child's funeral. He either has no idea how offensive he is or doesn't care.
He is also incredibly generous, think paying for the meals for everyone if we go out for a meal and often buying me expensive gifts. He'd do anything for me.
I'm pretty sure he behaves in this way because he grew up as the son of a notorious father, someone everyone would have been afraid of at the time. His DF was absent for most of his childhood. He wasn't given any moral guidance and no one ever said no to him. As a result, even as a man in his early 60s, he has no idea what is acceptable and laughs it off when you say anything.

You and I have just posted exactly the same thing. 😂Aren't families messed up

It isn't 'his sense of humour'. He says that so he gets away with being a bully.

I'd write down a list of examples of what he has done and say to you manager that either this bloke stops this behaviour, or you will raise a formal grievance with HR.

Because he enjoys it, because he enjoys the power he feels when you trust him as it gives him an opportunity to humiliate you further. Because he gets something from doing this- a pathetic ego boost which fills his inner void of crippling insecurity. This is all about him, not you. He does it because he wants to and he enjoys it. he wouldnt do it otherwise.

I get that its baffling to you because you arent a bellend like he is but sadly, some people really get off on this stuff because it fills a need within them to feel "powerful". The best method to cope if you have to work with him is grey rock him or ignore him and set non negotiable boundaries and report him every time he is rude. I wouldnt even get into explaining or justifying your holiday with him because he clearly enjoys it and wants to start an argument. He cant have an argument on his own. I'd be completely ignoring his comments from now on and only responding to colleagues comments on things like your holiday etc. Have a look at HG Tudor's videos on Youtube about narcissist behaviour- he sounds exactly like a narc and the best way of pissing them off is to starve them of attention and a reaction/response.

I’ve met both men and women like this: they are bullies. Nothing more to it. Agree with pp who advised to document everything. It’s added work I know, but it will help.

Don’t accept his behaviour being minimised. It’s just sweeping it under the carpet because bullies are difficult to deal with.

And having known plenty of people with autism I can say confidently that none of them behaved like that. Not recognising social cues does not turn someone into a nasty bully who gets off on making people uncomfortable or upset. (This is in response to some trying to suggest that this behaviour could indicate autism). Mocking people to make them feel bad is not a behaviour included in the diagnostic criteria for autism.

He should be sacked
any chance of a group complaint?
these people get away with it because everyone is scared of them. Going together might help with that.

He's a bully. Tell HR you want to see something done about it, and if it continues, you don't feel comfortable at work with his behaviour. Do you have a union? He clearly gets away with bullying behaviour by saying it's his sense of humour, he needs to shut his mouth. Why your work put up with it I have no idea.

It's making you feel uncomfortable in the work place therefore having an effect on you and wants sorting. If it doesn't stop go to HR.

Can't you read the signs. He took you out for lunch and is acting all giddy and daft around and saying stupid things he clearly likes you.

You have got to be kidding. I really hope you don't have kids to influence with this crap. This is the whole boys are mean to girls because they like them, you shouldn't teach that to children or say it to adults.

My god, he's awful! A childish bully, ywbu to phone in a let them know how it has affected you, if only other staff had the balls to say something too, he needs managing out.

Yes, that's it. He thinks it makes him a good guy really and gives him the background to continue expressing those shitty parts of his character that he can't or won't rein in.

Talk to your manager, he is making the workplace a misery for you and it needs to be stopped.

@Diarea Does your workplace have a policy on bullying or a code of conduct for employees? If it does, familiarise yourself with it and use it to back you up.

Bullying, passed off as 'bants'. Mega eye-roll.

What an absolute pathetic dick. I genuinely feel sorry for him because he has to put people down to make himself feel better. He is a bully, and people like this will only behave in this way to people who they think can get away with it, also that when they make others feel upset and uncomfortable they get a boost from it.

Its the same with passive aggressive people, they just want you to get upset or respond so that they can come back with 'ohh Jane you are so sensitive etc etc'

I am a quiet person who can be shy in new situations but I'm also stubborn and ballsy which always takes people by surprise.

I remember at work someone trying to put me down and be rude and I turned around sharpish and said very calmly and politely ' Sorry John did you say something I didn't quite catch that. You are actually being really rude, maybe you don't realise'. something along those lines anyway.

Everyone was shocked as they later said oh we didn't think you would say boo to a goose🙄.

He sounds bizarre and like he has awful social skills.

This behaviour is clearly obnoxious and humiliating. It's bullying behaviour.

I'm not convinced, though, that this is all some grand planned manipulation. In fact, I think that assuming that gives too much power and agency to the bully.

I know people like this and I don't think their behaviour is as planned and delberate - I see it as more of a knee-jerk reversion to childhood/schoolboy defence mechanisms for someone who is afraid of honesty and emotion.

So, I agree with those above who think this is someone who likes you - and who probaly as trying to be kind when he treated you to lunch. And, yes, is expressing it in the language of a 12 year old.

That doesn't make his behaviour any more acceptable. But maybe it makes it easier to deal with if you think of him as a dumb dickish schoolboy, rather than some scheming Machivellian master manipulator.

He’s a twat and his ‘sense of humour’ seems like that of a 14yr old. However, yabu to let it affect you so much that you stay off work. Just go in, do your job and laugh at him when he behaves like a child.

Complete and utter prick.
He should be pulled up on his behaviour by management. None of this is ok and just "banter".
There's a knob like this in a musical group I am in and he does this sort of thing to me all the time. So I've just started completely ignoring anything he says along those lines and saying "So, anyway,..." breezily and turning to another person and changing the subject.
We are programmed not to be rude by doing something like that but I really don't give a flying fuck any more. If someone is going to be a knob like that I'm going to ignore their behaviour until they realize it isn't getting them any attention and is having no impact.

This is good advice. Just shrug or agree, it takes the wind out of their sails

’Do you like being gullible?’ ‘’Yes’

the teenagers’ ‘whatever ‘ is handy here., and doesn’t take much thought.

but I think you were a bit gullible/ trusting to go out alone with him. Just have as little to do with him as possible, or ….’whatever’

You know him better than I do but could it have been a way of getting ypu out of work for the afternoon? In that he could see upu probably still werny up to it but just went about it the wrong way? Tbh I wouldn't find his humour funny and I'd have been upset to but I would have answered back. You need to get better at responding to his 'banter' each and every time that way he'll learn. I'd also avoid spending any time alone with him.