Bloke at work, so fed up

People with this kind of "humour" like to think that it's ok because they're decent, salt of the earth types really who would never do anything truly cruel. Occasional kind gestures keep up this facade in their heads and, in their mind, are proof of how fantastic they are so they can go right on with the shit stuff with their self-image intact.

They're often the thinnest skinned when the tables are turned.

Wow! What he did was absolutely awful! How awful for you, I'm so sorry! With the first piece you wrote re the haunted castle I was thinking you just reply "Oh, take your negativity elsewhere!" some people just need a strong comeback in front of the audience they play to. But that cafe incident is a whole new level! I'd honestly put in a complaint about that, and log future issues in detail and raise them - every single time. I'd be asking if he can move - maybe they will show him the door if he is constantly so awful.

He took you out to lunch as an opportunity to be nasty, put you down, show you up— he’s a vile person and gets away with it being “banter” , his sense of humor etc..
Blank him. Anything he tries verbally hold your hand up in stop mode and say you’ve been warned by HR, stop now or this will go further.
And put in a complaint each time he tries this bullying behaviour.

Bloke sounds like an utter cuntwaffle, YANBU

He sounds vile. I really wish that I worked with you so I could stick up for you and tell him how much of a cunt he is!

They are invariably the thinnest-skinned!

The same as those people who a "blunt" to the point of cruelty who excuse themselves by saying "It's just my way"

*rseholes!

The manager's response indicated that he or she is aware of the person' s behavior, and yet he remains employed. That to me would be a strong indicator that management is aware and has determined that not to be a employment related offense.

Or that the manager is a bit shite and doesn't understand the impact and potential implications of this man's behaviour. Or maybe even finds it amusing.

This is clear bullying imo, and if the manager cannot address it appropriately, they need some training.

I worked with a "Dave" once. It was in a male-dominated environment, I was the first woman to do the job, and his bullying "banter" was more sexual in nature. When the employer finally got with the 20th century and adopted a sexual harrassment policy, it was a mere 48 hours before I got the opportunity to say "Dave, we have a sexual harrassment policy now, I'd prefer not to be the first person to raise a sexual harrassment case here, and I'm sure you'd prefer not to be the first person to be the subject of such a complaint." Once he knew I meant business, it stopped.

Bullies will bully all the time they believe they can get away with it. As soon as they know there will be consequences, they stop ime.

As a manager, I would not expect my reports to bring such issues to me. If they were to do so, I would seriously question the adult decision making abilities of both parties.

General advice is that you start by trying to deal with these situations on your own. If that doesn't work, and the behaviour persists, then you escalate. Or you escalate if you feel unable to deal with the situation. I've twice left jobs where this type of behaviour was not dealt with, despite my best efforts. On both occasions I'd say my leaving was to the detriment of the organisation and I know that other people left those places as a result of the people I had problems with.

IMO it is part of management to sort this shit out. If you don't, you risk losing good staff. I should be able to turn up to work and do my job. I shouldn't need to go in with this many defences up, just to get through a working day.

It wouldn’t have sounded like the stupid fart joke was intended to knock you down from how it’s described, although I don’t get the bit about him walking off - he literally just walked off after the comment and left you by yourself??

I’m sorry, but I only know one way to handle this; push back and make a fool of him.

One well placed “Why are you so obsessed with me?” said in front of a crowd can work wonders. Smile and laugh. He might come back sharper but stick with it and don’t let him cow you. Then, anything he rude says to you is evidence. “Now Jeebs we talked about this. I’m not interested!”

The more he upsets you the more attention you are going to get from him. Make him the butt of every one of his jokes, and he’ll find another victim. Making fun of haunted hotel? Laugh and say “Oh Jeebs is scared of ghosts.” Or “Jeebs is jealous. Jeebs, what are your super awesome plans this weekend?”

If you are not comfortable doing that, just change the subject entirely to him every time, in a serious way. “What are you up to this weekend?” But you absolutely cannot react to his jibes. It’s exactly what he wants. Also, this asshat is no one’s friend. Don’t take anything nice from him again

It's a control thing and it is what abusers do... something nice so that you let your guard down and then throw a curveball to make you feel shit again.

I don't disagree with this, and didn't in my post. But I was working on the assumption that the OP hadn't said anything to him, because I presumed if she had, then she would have mentioned it. And I assumed that she's only just mentioned it to her manager, so there's been no direct contact yet telling him to leave her alone.

I also did say if he's then unable to tailor his conversation depending upon the person he's speaking to, then he should probably tone it down across the board. And he if he's unwilling to then that is when it becomes an employment issue rather than just an office clash of personalities.

Most decent organisations do have policies on bullying and harassment for a reason. No one should be made to feel uncomfortable in the workplace. This guy can dial down his 'humour' and indeed does for certain people. And yet he chooses not to. The op is not responsible for this guy being a dick. A manager has the authority and power to do so.

Personally I would have no respect for a so called manager who let's bullying off as 'banter' because they would be a shit boss in my book and not fit for their job title.
I say that having read so of the so called manager responses on here.

He's horrible.

OP, you're making things harder for yourself, and you're making things harder for your boss by continuing to engage with him.

There's no business need to be discussing your sister's job and Slimming World at work. Just work. Be aloof. Make vague noises and then ignore while you type.

Why are you continuing to engage? Why on earth did you accept an invitation to a purely social lunch and let him pump you for personal info? Doing that made it much harder for your boss to address. Now it looks like you're friends.

I've been in that position as a boss, previously: three people I managed went out for drinks one weekend and evidently one went overboard with some "jokes". And then they tried to bring it up to me as "workplace bullying". Like, I can address what happens at work but if you choose also to create a relationship outside work, how am I supposed to govern that?

Well I’m sure OP wasn’t expecting him to behave as he did! And I’d say taking lunch break together during work hours is different to being friends who socialise in free time.

Either way OP is looking for advice – comments starting with ‘Why on Earth did you…’ just aren’t necessary or helpful. And that’s not to say that I can’t see your point.

Good point, but OP is continuing to engage with lengthy discussions around haunted castles etc. He is vile, and a good manager would want to address him, but there's a huge difference between:

"I was trying to finish the TPW reports and Bob kept making unwanted personal comments.'

And

"I said this about castles and then he said that about nail technicians and then I asked him why he would say that about Slimming World and then we went out to lunch and he said..."

Why are you continuing to engage? Why on earth did you accept an invitation to a purely social lunch and let him pump you for personal info? Doing that made it much harder for your boss to address. Now it looks like you're friends.

People have different coping strategies for dealing with bullies, including befriending them. It is very common. A good boss will be able to recognise this.

@Mari9999

People like you with your mindset, encourage shitty Arseholes mens types, like the one who mentioned to @Diarea have you farted ect?
to say more crude so called humour in reality

,its an excuse for Arseholes shitty men types to disguise their inadequacies, insecurities in plain sight under , offensive crude humour and emotionally abuse , women and men who they think they can get away with this,

Have you noticed Arseholes mens types don't try their crude humour on "as have you farted" to their bosses or job centre staff people ect or in other situations in which crude and nasty, sense of humour, would look reflect bad on them?

Interesting they don't go up to random strangers and say to them have you farted ?
or
To a bouncers at nightclubs /security men or anybody who look like they wouldn't take any crap from Anybody types at all. !

Interesting they can refrain stop themselves from acting nasty then. !

They know if they spoke like that to people like this,
they would see it for what it is,

It's bullying under disguise of offensive crude humour!

It's used as a effective tool, to humiliate degrade, make someone feel small, so their fragile egos if themselves feel a lot better, to the detrimental expense of other people.

It's classic bullying !

Some people are just too thick, stupid) or just unaware Naive, to see it for what it really is, !

I should know I made the unfortunate mistake of getting into a relationship with someone like this Arsehole guy, that @Diarea , is talking about.!

I realised I made a mistake, ditched him but the mistake I made of being with someone like this when I was extremely vunerable,

Means my son especially as well as my daughter who are his offspring have been so emotionally damaged by my shitty Arsehole ex partner ,
that my son Lack so much cofindence cause of his father being Arseholes man,

that I am having to look explore getting a fuck ton of Therapies to sort out his self esteem cofindence

Arsehole men make crap partners and fathers they are total shit 💩💩💩💩

Typo mistake omission oops I ment to say their fragile ego's of Arsehole shit man types ect.

True but it's also the responsibility of the OP to have basic interpersonal boundaries in place and try to manage the "fawn" response.

The best boss in the world will struggle mightily with this scenario of long personal chats and social outings.

If the OP can just stick to her work and cut him off, she'd be helping both herself and her boss.

He's an idiot. Generous interpretation - I also think it's possible that he fancies you or at least likes you but is so cut off from normal ways of behaving that he's employing the Year 10 techniques that have clearly always never failed him in the past.

Less generous interpretation - he's negging you as he's heard that's a good way to reduce other people's confidence, he's a pathetic bully.

Glad you're having a meeting. Use today to write down these examples and any others.

My suggested response is the not clever but very clear "Shut up Steve".

Going out for lunch with someone doesn't give them an excuse for bullying you!

She was clearly at a low point and thought he was going to lay off for once. He didn't.

I also disagree with that comment about everyone laughing along. There are colleagues I "laugh along with" because I find it mean and non inclusive to stare blankly at them when they're clearly making an attempt at humour. It doesn't actually mean I find it funny and I'm making a concerted effort to not let awful offensive stuff pass as "banter" anymore.

Luckily the team I work in now are all amazing and all on a similar wave length but yes it's awful feeling like you are pandering to that one person who's obviously a bit of a self congratulatory wanker.

Coffeetree "True but it's also the responsibility of the OP to have basic interpersonal boundaries in place and try to manage the "fawn" response."

how is this guy fawning?