Bloke at work, so fed up

You can actually learn something from this experience. His comments are cynical, sarcastic and straightforward (putting aside his fart "joke") and give you an opportunity to think about what you accept as given and normal. Don't feel like an idiot, think and learn. Can he be right in some sense? Perhaps other people think like him but are too polite to say it out loud? It is always useful to question things however uncomfortable that might be.

@friedgoldeggs

It sounds like very much like your friend is in a emotionally abusive relantship with Arsehole type of guy, unfortunately,
.

She will hopefully wise up one day....

"Because he enjoys it, because he enjoys the power he feels when you trust him as it gives him an opportunity to humiliate you further. Because he gets something from doing this- a pathetic ego boost which fills his inner void of crippling insecurity. This is all about him, not you. He does it because he wants to and he enjoys it. he wouldnt do it otherwise.I get that its baffling to you because you arent a bellend like he is but sadly, some people really get off on this stuff because it fills a need within them to feel "powerful". "

Are people aware that they do this though? Is it all subconscious or are they actually thinking in their heads "I'm going to get her now/embarrass her" etc? Anyone ever hear one of these people admit to what they're doing and why? Or are they literally incapable of introspection? Any psychologists on here ever make progress with this type of person?! I'd really love to know what's going on in their heads - it's just so baffling.

I have a nasty feeling that management will fob you off with SOH, banter, sensitivity, he doesn’t mean it like that excuses.

I think I’d roll my eyes and counter everything with don’t be such an arsehole you’re beyond a joke picking at everything I say. Keep saying it every time.

You need to keep a diary of everything he says @Diarea for the next 4 weeks say, and report this to HR. Alternatively you could say 'oh shut the fuck up, you sad weird little fucker ... I can see you fancy me, but I'd rather eat a bowl of sick than touch you with a bargepole. So FUCK OFF.'

Easier said than done to react like this though. Sometimes I wish I had been more of a gobshite in my life. Would have been goaded and bullied a lot less.

I really feel for you There's no easy answer, as even HR may decide it's banter and you need to grow a thicker skin. I do wonder if it's his weird way of showing he fancies you, but yeah it's horrible. I'm so sorry. Wish I had better advice. I have suffered stuff like this in the past and reported it and it was never taken seriously (early 2000s and 1990s,) and I ended up leaving the job.

Yeah I’ve worked with people like this too - I don’t think it’s bullying just a dead weird sense of humour. The man I worked with said he had mild Asperger’s but he took everything anyone said very literally and his responses were the same.
You’ve got to put him in his place and be firm to the point of nasty - but to be honest he probably won’t stop because he see’s it as his sense of humour.

"As we got outside he asked if I felt better to which I said he did."

I wonder if he thought this meant that as you felt better, he could revert to his usual self rather than consciously making an effort to be nice to you.

The problem, his usual self is a twat, and it's not acceptable for him to act like this with anyone, no matter how happy and/or resilient they might be feeling.

I get his views on your holiday and your sister's jobs - they're just views - but it's rude to express them to you when there's no way you can react to that other than getting upset. The way to resolve that is to not give him any personal information he can use to beat you with. Do not make small talk with him about your life.

The farting comment? What, is he a 7-year-old boy? That's not something you could have prevented - he's just a sad excuse for a grown-up. That's completely unacceptable, and I don't see how he could possibly justify that it was.

He needs to stop. If he won't listen to the OP and his other colleagues, he needs to hear it from HR.

He's just a boring lonely fucker who seeks connection through soliciting argument. You need to stop playing. Next time he syarts, just get up and leave

The farting comment? What, is he a 7-year-old boy? That's not something you could have prevented - he's just a sad excuse for a grown-up. That's completely unacceptable, and I don't see how he could possibly justify that it was.

Plus she didn’t even fart! He’s just a dick.

Never claimed he did. From OP:

“why do you need to go to an AA group to lose weight? You literally pay someone to tell you you’re fat. I can do that for free … here … you’re not fat, congratulations”

I didn't think I had to bother writing out the full rest of the sentence 'here I'll tell you now: you're not fat', figured a rough approximation of it would be enough to remind people which part of the post my comment was referring to.

Here you go OP. I'm talking about grey rocking:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#what-is-it

He’s clearly a bully. The only additional advice apart from what’s been said already is to not talk much about your private life at work. Keep work a private life separate. If you did, people like him wouldn’t know so much about your business.

@Diarea I agree that you need to keep a diary, but more importantly don’t ever speak to him about anything other than work matters. You’ve seen that conversations with him don’t end well so you need to ignore him as much as possible.

If he interrupts a conversation that you have with someone else say ‘I wasn’t talking to you, your opinion isn’t wanted’. You have to stop engaging or reacting to him. Never go for lunch or spend any time alone with him again. Avoid work outings if he will be there.

I don't agree with the autism suggestion, that hardly covers the fart "joke", and I think unfair on people with autism.

The only thing I think you can say here, to him I mean as opposed to your manager, is just, "Oh thanks as ever for your helpful input KnobCheese" plus eye roll. Or indeed as a PP said, the teenage "whatever". Or "Here we go, again...".

Whether he does or doesn't like you, he's a twat and better to reduce the attention he gets.

Well ill hold my up hands be a women and apologize to those I've offended over what I said about him acting and saying stupid things accept it or don't its your choice. Its no skin on off my nose either way. Nor will I be crawling up anyone's arses.
One hill that am I more than prepared to die on is the fact that no one would ask you out to lunch and pay for you if they hated you.

@Diarea

I agree with others who say the kindness of the meal,
even Arsehole types of men , can have lapses of kindness, too, either for manipulative reasons see a opportunity, ect. or
it's a case of what I describe as 50 shades of Grey, that weird types or weird humour types pass as humour,

It's shitty guys, Nasty character flaw hiding in plain sight masquerading as sense of humour, !

He is using humour to make you feel small like shit , so it makes him feel better about his own inadequacies he has . !

Arsehole man who has nasty sense of humour .!

These are reasons > why he puts you down @Diarea
He has such a small penis, that it makes him feel insecure next to other men, his peers , !
(same size as a toddler boy proberly has ,
by the way he talks to you and everyone else.

He knows you are intelligent woman , who is more than capable at doing your work , than he is, or ever will be, !
You are so good at work it makes him feel he is imposter, wonders how nobody has worked this out,

I wonder whether he is has really the relevant or right qualifications on his cv

Has he lied on his cv or in the past about his qualifications or where he obtained them at all?
Did he lie for example make out he obtained his qualifications, training work experience at prestigious place ?

I just wondering could this be it @Diarea too?
I know it sounds like a mad thought,
but there are few/some people will lie to get ahead in the rat race in life
It's not unknown thing for Arsehole types to do underhand shitty💩 stuff, such as something that cast them in a better or favourable light to get levage to get ahead ect.

My husband's favourite response to twats is to nod and quietly say ' Well X, opinions are like arseholes....everyone's got one '

no one would ask you out to lunch and pay for you if they hated you.

If they thought it put them in an advantageous position, of course they would.

Aww "One hill that am I more than prepared to die on is the fact that no one would ask you out to lunch and pay for you if they hated you."

not hate, power. Paying for lunch - presume this wasn't the Ivy or something OP? - is a great way to get trust and then pull the rug out.

The first post summed it up! I absolutely despise men, and it is always men ime, like this. He's a childish twat,

Call him out on his behaviour. Say clearly and calmly that you find it bullying and childish and he's to stop being like that with you.

@DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder

You are very asute, switched on about Arsehole💩 types , of manipulative ways of thinking,

It wouldn't susprise me he thinks in this kind of mindset too.

It’s not bullying as such but it is relentless sarcasm and piss taking.

Relentless unwanted behaviour is bullying. There is good advice here https://www.acas.org.uk/handling-a-bullying-harassment-discrimination-complaint

You can follow through with advice re. noting the behaviour, times, dates, witnesses. Then take that to HR/ your manager. You can try grey rock. If this doesn't change things and you can't accept his behaviour - and I wouldn't accept it - there aren't many avenues available to you. I have left employment situations before when this type of behaviour wasn't addressed. You can find it anywhere, it's true, but some places deal with it better than others.

This. Sounds like he means well, but is going about it the wrong way.
Have you thought about giving as good as you get?

Some people would laugh at his shite so he's less likely to bully them. I'd rather be seen as snobby than associate or laugh with arseholes like this.
When this happened to meI I was speaking to a work colleague and a gobby work colleague took the piss out of me. I ignored and continue speaking to my friend as if nothing happened. Gobby poked me in the arm and yelled "I'm talking to you."
I hard stared at him and walked off ignoring furthur comments. I went to manager and complained as it was an on going thing, he trotted out the usual banter thing so I said I was taking it up with my union as bullying.
Small business and boss was anti unions but I made it clear I was doing the whole hog.
Gobby was 'released' from employment that afternoon and I remained with the business for the next 6 months until I moved on. Boss was wary around me but polite, the work environment relaxed considerably and several people said privately they were glad and relieved gobby had left.
I know I've made it sound easy but I do not tolerate bullies. I have always stood up for the underdog and as dh says 'sticking my head over the parapet, one day it's going to get shot at'
I'm very meh about that.