Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloke at work, so fed up

229 replies

Diarea · 22/05/2023 08:23

I work in a small office. I get on with everyone but there is one bloke there who is basically sarcastic and negative to everyone and everything. He seems to have it in for me more than anyone else. Everytime I speak he laughs and questions what I’ve said. Example:

Talking about upcoming holidays I said I had booked a few nights in a “haunted castle” for Halloween and will be doing a paranormal investigation on Halloween night with a group. I know it’s not everyone’s idea of a fun night out but I love stuff like this and I’m really looking forward to it. Anyway he laughed and said “it’s not a haunted castle though is it? It’s a castle which the owners have described as haunted so that gullible people will pay more to stay there” (this was in front of everyone).

I said “well, probably, but I like stuff like that anyway”. He replied “you like being gullible?” Anyway it went on. This is one of many examples. It’s not bullying as such but it is relentless sarcasm and piss taking.

On Friday I’d had some bad news and everyone kept asking what was wrong. I confided in someone and he managed to hear about it 🙄 he came over and asked if I wanted to pop out for lunch with him to get some fresh air. Unusually nice of him so I stupidly took him up on it. We went to a cafe near where we work and we’re just talking like two normal colleagues, I was actually starting to feel better. As we finished up he paid despite me saying I’ll pay for my own and we left. As we got outside he asked if I felt better to which I said he did. He then shouted “fuck me, have you farted? That’s minging” totally caught me off guard, people turned to look at us, I didn’t say anything (I hadn’t of course, I was just mortified by how loud he was being). He then shouted “why have you come to work with Nora virus ? God go home and get changed before it leaks through” and then walked off leaving me stood there absolutely mortified.

I ended up going straight home as I was so upset. I’ve called my manager and told him what happened and he’s bringing him in today for a discussion but has basically said it’s his sense of humour.

AIBU to not go back to work until I know something will be done? Or am I being a baby about it? Everyone else seems to find him hilarious. I don’t know if it’s me being too sensitive or what but I can’t cope with it

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 09:05

He wasn't kind taking her to lunch! It was all completely planned. He is a real bully and I hope your boss can see that. He sounds absolutely terrible.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 09:05

BMW6 · 22/05/2023 08:47

I think the "have you farted" thing was his poor attempt at humour.

He may have thought it would cheer you up. I've worked with people like him before - women as well as men.

He sounds like the type who thinks his SOH is universally loved and he needs to know that it really isn't and to STFU sometimes.

No, it was his attempt to completely humiliate her.

CurlewKate · 22/05/2023 09:06

Paranormal thing seems OK ish to me-would have been better if he'd shut up though. The Noro virus thing is just out and out weird. Why would anyone say that? Make sure you write down exactly what happened in case he denies it.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 09:07

Why do people keep saying that he was being kind paying for her lunch? He was manipulating her into thinking that he was being friendly and then set her up for a huge humiliation. It was all planned. There was no kindness.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 22/05/2023 09:07

A punch in the mouth will shut him up. His "humour" was probably just HILARIOUS at school and in his sad little mind he thinks he's Peter fucking Kay, despite fart and shit jokes not being funny to anyone that isn't a 14 year old boy. He needs to grow up.

Soproudoflionesses · 22/05/2023 09:08

Sounds like an immature twat.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 09:08

This isn't about the paranormal. It's not about slimming world. It's not about him treating her to a meal. It's about him bullying her and stopping her from having free speech in the workplace. It's also an attempt to make other people think she is stupid.

Original poster
Diarea · 22/05/2023 09:09

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 09:08

This isn't about the paranormal. It's not about slimming world. It's not about him treating her to a meal. It's about him bullying her and stopping her from having free speech in the workplace. It's also an attempt to make other people think she is stupid.

That’s exactly it, he makes me feel stupid

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 22/05/2023 09:09

I think I would give him a long, cold stare, say “you’re really a very unpleasant person, aren’t you?” loudly and then proceed to ignore him.

polkadotdalmation · 22/05/2023 09:10

He is bullying, abusive and gaslighting you. The free lunch was a softening up technique so that the farting comment would have more impact. I could not work with someone like that and would be telling him via your boss if it's too difficult in person, to not speak to you unless it's purely work related

FigTreeInEurope · 22/05/2023 09:11

Most men either want their penis massaged, or their ego. He's either secretly attracted to you, and behaves this way as a protection mechanism, or he's an egomanic that has to pull everyone down to feel bigger. Nasty creep either way.

MinnieMountain · 22/05/2023 09:11

Is he like this with any other colleagues or just you?
I do think he’s a bully regardless.

PinkFootstool · 22/05/2023 09:11

Justalittlebitduckling · 22/05/2023 09:09

I think I would give him a long, cold stare, say “you’re really a very unpleasant person, aren’t you?” loudly and then proceed to ignore him.

Yeah,but back in the real world that won't work on anyone except an underling who is already afraid of you.

Oysterbabe · 22/05/2023 09:12

I'd struggle not to take the piss out a haunted castle but appreciate it's one part of an ongoing problem. The other example is awful and I'd be mortified.
Yanbu and he needs to be dealt with.

CoraPirbright · 22/05/2023 09:12

What do your colleagues think of him?

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 22/05/2023 09:13

It wasn’t “kind” of him to take Op to lunch.

It’s classic manipulation and bullying.

Escalate this OP, it’s outrageous that people are allowed to behave this way in a workplace.

it’s not banter, it’s bullying.

Any chance you’re in a union?

Many years ago I was being bullied by two supervisors when I worked at a Local Authority. I got the union involved . It ended up
with a review and the bullies were moved. As this was LA they were only moved sideways but fuck me, it was good to have the validation.

It’s not acceptable for you to be treated like this.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 22/05/2023 09:15

I hope your boss gets this dealt with because I know being picked at and taken up on the least little thing is stressful and wearing in social situations, let alone for hours a day at work.

Please don't even get into justifying yourself to this person. He thinks your holiday is stupid and starts questioning you over it 'I am not going to have this conversation with you' and return to your work.

33goingon64 · 22/05/2023 09:15

It's definitely a power thing. Taking you out to lunch was part of the plan to catch you off guard. He wasn't being nice. The only other possibility is that he fancies you and has no ability to deal with it, so teases you.

Original poster
Diarea · 22/05/2023 09:15

MinnieMountain · 22/05/2023 09:11

Is he like this with any other colleagues or just you?
I do think he’s a bully regardless.

He’s the same with most of us, he only tends to leave the younger women alone. Anyone else is fair game. I do feel like I get the brunt of it but another “main” victim is a bloke who laughs it off. I’ve tried to do the same but I can’t, he makes me feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
TheShade · 22/05/2023 09:17

I know men like this, my dad for one. You need to either give as good as you get.. or just have to roll your eyes and ignore.

Both are coping methods to deal with their bullshit but frankly making a big deal about it is going to turn it into a drama for you.

They’re behaving how they’re used to behaving with their mates and lack the social skills and self awareness (and sometimes the inclination) to code switch when they’re around different people.

mainsfed · 22/05/2023 09:17

He is a bully. Also speak to HE, raise a grievance.

TheShade · 22/05/2023 09:20

Diarea · 22/05/2023 09:15

He’s the same with most of us, he only tends to leave the younger women alone. Anyone else is fair game. I do feel like I get the brunt of it but another “main” victim is a bloke who laughs it off. I’ve tried to do the same but I can’t, he makes me feel like an idiot.

Show quote history

He sees you as his peers and thinks you can handle it/assumes you understand his sense of humour.

Spanglemum · 22/05/2023 09:20

He sounds like an immature bully with no social skills. He needs to learn to keep his so called opinions to himself. If the manager doesn't sort it out, escalate to HR and contact your union if you are in one.

Justalittlebitduckling · 22/05/2023 09:20

PinkFootstool · 22/05/2023 09:11

Yeah,but back in the real world that won't work on anyone except an underling who is already afraid of you.

Show quote history

It may surprise you that I also live in the real
world. So immature.

3luckystars · 22/05/2023 09:21

My dad says ‘some people won’t like you, but they are the wrong type of people’

don’t change, don’t let him upset you anymore.