Bloke at work, so fed up

I stand by my point. It won't work, and a "Paddington bear" type stare is a MN fallacy.

Choosing to humiliate her in public knowing how upset she was isn't Being Kind. It was a deliberate act of spite.

If the manager doesn't take it far enough raise a grievance. He's a bully

What nasty man.

" called my manager and told him what happened and he’s bringing him in today for a discussion but has basically said it’s his sense of humour."

Please do not let your manager sweep this under the carpet, this man is a nasty bully. As you were not in work ot might cloud things but I would start keeping a diary and take this further of necessary. Maybe talk to your union rep if you are in a union.

I think he seems socially awkward , his 'humour' is very immature, IME the best response is a simple fuck off Dave.
I mean your office conversation topics wouldn't thrill me either, nails, paranormal, weight watchers (interesting he told you you don't need to lose weight, there are elements that sound like he wants to be nice but just doesn't get it or isn't comfortable with it). I would not want to hear it at all, but I wouldn't respond the way he does, I'd sit in another part of the office or put headphones in.

This IS bullying. I'm a TU Official, I deal with things like this all the time. The offender / other people passing it off as 'just banter' or 'jokes' is the classic attempt at defence that we always see, it's so predictable.

Please keep a diary. You want dates, times, witnesses.

Depending on your workplace and its dynamics - you know best. Either approach your manager for a 'chat' and then follow up with an email to record that such a chat took place... this depends on how well you trust your manager to tell him to wind his neck in.

Or my preferred... formalise this into a written grievance - you can look up guidelines on ACAS about how this works.

What's the dynamic with your other colleagues- are you close enough to actually discuss with any of them whether they have similar feelings?

Why are people making excuses for this horrible man?

It's a shame there's no-one there who can stand up to him

He is a loathsome, unfunny man. I cannot stand people like him. People like him are domineering bullies whose humour ends up silencing and humiliating his audience. The way you describe him is so vivid that I can ‘see’ the obnoxious twat. How dare he make an unfunny, deeply embarrassing joke at your expense. He should be spoken to but, being the nasty, sneering fool that he is, he will argue that those who do not find him funny lack a sense of humour. I have worked with people like him. I mean it’s a male humour thing … have yet to work with a woman like that.

Power trip. Ego. Being a pig.

Take your choice

Report him to HR every single time he’s an offensive knob. Every time. Don’t facilitate his behaviour by smiling or giving weak laughs etc, tell him he’s boring and unfunny. Speak or engage with him as little as possible, ignore completely (grey rock) if possible. Try and pretend this twat doesn’t exist in your workplace.

"Do you like being gullible, @Diarea?"

"Almost as much as you like being a bullying twat, KnobJockey!!"

Hold your head high, go into work, don’t let him get to you. Here is a technique to practise in the mirror at home:
pretend he’s just said something disparaging to you. Do not let the hint of a smile cross your face. You will be surprised to find how often we appease bullies with a submissive smile. Make your expression completely “expressionless”. Just look at him without a hint of a smile. This takes practice. Try it.

and never be anywhere alone with him.

This IS bullying. He sounds awful. I’m so sorry. X

Your manager is a twat as he should have dealt with this firmly when he first started with his childish ‘banter’.

You need to make it clear to your manager that if he doesn’t resolve the situation, you will escalate it and make a formal complaint about ongoing harassment and bullying behaviour.

Laddish banter like this was sadly tolerated years ago when I first started working, but society has moved on and it’s completely inappropriate in a normal workplace these days.

Another avenue to try is to call him out on it every time. Deadpan.

“Was that a joke Dave? Because you will need to explain it to me because I don’t get it .“

Then if he does try to “explain”

“Oh right, not very funny though. Don’t give up the day job eh?”

Can't you read the signs. He took you out for lunch and is acting all giddy and daft around and saying stupid things he clearly likes you.

He's a bully! We have 'dignity at work' policies at our place, speak to your HR and ask what can be sone. If manager says it's just banter or his way, challenge it, say it's making your feel uncomfortable at work and it's quite distressing considering he decided to be so bullying when you're vulnerable at the moment, that's kicking someone when they're down to make the strike worse - what a hideous person he sounds!

One of my biggest annoyances with people is them acting like downright cunts and then saying "I'm kidding", or "I was only joking", or "that's my sense of humour".

Unless everyone in the situation finds it genuinely amusing then it isn't funny and it isn't ok. Unfortunately it is tolerated in men a lot more because we live in a society that accepts toxic masculine behaviour, but in women it "wouldn't be lady like", "wouldn't be polite", and so on. Pisses me off to no end.

I wouldn't go in OP, I'd stay off for a bit because of bullying in the work place.

He sounds awful and your experience sounds really unpleasant OP. I've come across this "type" of "humour" before and it seems to be used by very socially awkward people who have massive insecurities deep down. It's no excuse but perhaps if you viewed him through this lens it would help you to see that you have all the power here, and not him.

I also wonder if he fancies you and is deeply awkward about it so he picks on you - playground bully behaviour basically. He showed some kindness with the lunch and listening ear but then couldn't cope with being what he perceived as vulnerable and took it all back with his awful comments afterwards.

Anyway analysing him isn't your priority but it might help to pity him rather than be fearful of him. I do think his behaviour is unprofessional so do write it all down and keep your manager informed. My response to his comments would be to just stay calm and unflustered and mildly smile and shake your head. If he keeps prodding you then say you are busy and don't wish to have a conversation. He will probably find this difficult and say something "controversial" but again just keep responding with a "whatever" until he gives up - and be documenting it all.

Good luck

Yeah I'd also go with "fuck off Dave" to pretty much everything he says from now on. And no way on god's earth would I have gone home after his comment. I'd have told him it wasn't even particularly funny when he was 14 and he'll be single forever with that sense of humour.

Can't you read the signs. He took you out for lunch and is acting all giddy and daft around and saying stupid things he clearly likes you.

The only people that would communicate liking somebody by making fart jokes are under the age of 12

He sounds like one of those nine year old boys who's main way of interacting is to shout 'you farted!' at the boys and to pull girls hair or try to tweak their dresses up at the back as they pass.

Ie someone with absolutely zero social skills. As though his only way of conducting a conversation is with him feeling as though he is running the show. I'm afraid that 'you're not funny, stop now,' is the only thing to say. Repeatedly.

It is bullying you are entitled to dignity at work. Your manager is like a hundred others who don’t want to tackle a bully, passing it off as humour making him complicit in the bullying. This happens everywhere, it’s PA and it’s not fucking funny.

Make it formal, remind your manager of the duty of care and that it has to stop. Bullying is about how it makes you feel not what someone else thinks you should feel.

Mmm I was badly bullied by a “friend” at work that was dressed up as banter. There wasn’t one facet of me or my life that wasn’t picked on/over. Nasty little psycho bully who was deeply unhappy. The managers didn’t know what to do with this person (public sector) and I believe it’s still in an office somewhere doing the same to others (I left). It’s not funny it’s outrageous behaviour. Utter demented prick of a man to behave towards you like that. Steer clear. Oh and nothing’s ever their fault is it; it’s just you with no sense of humour. Cunt

He isn't your friend so why did he take you for lunch, and more why did you agree.

He took you to get more information, you now 'owe' him for lunch and for his 'kindness'. You let down your guard and then he embarrassed you in public, made you feel small and worthless. He does this most probably because he is deeply insecure and has learnt that making others feel worse temporarily makes him feel better. And he has never learnt otherwise

But why did you agree? Why did you want to go to lunch with the person that humiliates you? What are you trying to hide from, or amend. Did you think that if you showed deference by accepting lunch together he would start to like you?

I'm not (although it may seem so) judging you, there are always people that try to make us fail/feel bad/elicit a response. You can not change these people (not just him, he could be sacked but there will be others like him) but if you look at yourself you can learn to change how you respond.

Problem is women are taught to be kind and then see the kindness in others and feel that they are now in their debt. Posters on here saying 'well he was kind to take you to lunch' no he wasn't, his general behaviour shows he is anything but kind. Why do women seek the scraps of kindness?

I was going to say just ignore him. But now I’ve seen he ignores the younger women but makes comments eg about your slimming class, all this in context is bullying and I’d get HR involved. Don’t refuse to go in but do say you want to be treated normally and respectfully and if that’s being ignored that’s fine.

You could make similar comments back but if this person is a proper bully he may up his game.

Keep a diary and detail everything. You could even go to your GP if it’s causing you depression and anxiety and mention that too, I wouldn’t normally do that but as well-being is taken seriously in companies these days it could well work here.