Has anyone else noticed this? I normally have major resting bitch face and have been told by various people I have a very serious and dont talk to me look.
Despite my attempts to ease my face and give off im friendly vibes most people dont come near me. ( I have honestly thought about a she's friendly badge to put on lol)

Over the past week things have changed. People now ask me questions and even try and have small talk ( today at bus stop) Just a general friendly vibe I get from people all over.

I have made one change
Can anyone guess what?

62 replies

Hi, I’m an ECT1 and started in September feeling pretty calm. However this last week I feel like I can’t switch off this adrenaline that seems to be constantly going around my body. We have a department internal review which meant 3 observations, including by the Head which I think may have triggered this, it’s almost like it’s subconscious because I feel ok mentally - but this inability to relax is starting to upset me. Is this normal at the start, or perhaps it’s because I’m tired and a break over half term might help? I’m really enthusiastic, love the school and the kids, so I don’t regret my choice, just need some reassurance x

4 replies

Do you agree?

Dd when she finished her bowl of pomegranate seeds on the sofa asked Dh to go and put it in the kitchen please. Each time this happens or she asks for a drink/snack, he says she should take it back herself etc. I tend to do it mostly for her, she's very independent, always has been, sorts her own school bag, homework, showers etc, but she's still only young and it's not too much that a parent brings her food and drinks, is it?!

Dh and I disagree a little on this

How much do you do for your 8 year old (or around that age)?

293 replies

After more than 20 years in education, Ofsted has made me want to walk away from the career I love.

I’m writing this anonymously, and I won’t be identifying my school or the area in which I work. I have far too much respect and affection for my colleagues, our students and the families we serve to risk identifying them. But I need to share what happened to me. Because even now, writing these words, I feel physically sick.

I’ve worked in secondary education for over 20 years. I’m a senior leader, and for most of my career I’ve absolutely adored my job. I’ve never been under any illusions about how difficult teaching can be. I’ve worked long hours, dealt with heartbreaking situations, supported children through unimaginable difficulties and carried responsibilities that have sometimes kept me awake at night. But I’ve always loved it. The school I work in serves a community experiencing significant social deprivation and limited social mobility. For many of our children, school is so much more than a place to learn. It’s a safe haven. Somewhere they are cared for, listened to, fed, supported and, above all, valued. We provide food vouchers, toiletries, uniform and countless other things that families sometimes struggle to afford. We deal with complex safeguarding situations, family breakdown, neglect and the consequences of poverty. As the senior leader responsible for safeguarding, there are days when I feel much more like a social worker or family support worker than a deputy headteacher. And do you know what? I love that part of my job. I love knowing that we can make a difference, even when that difference might seem insignificant to someone looking in from the outside. But it is relentless. Attendance and behaviour are ongoing challenges. We work tirelessly to improve both, but sometimes it feels as though we’re swimming against the tide.

Since Covid, engaging some families has become even harder, and the pressures on schools like ours seem to grow year after year. None of this is an excuse for poor standards. We know we have things to improve. We want our children to achieve every bit as much as children attending schools in more affluent communities. But the barriers some of our students face are enormous. And our teachers? They are some of the most dedicated, compassionate and hardworking people you could ever hope to meet.

Then came Ofsted……Our inspection took place after the tragic death of Ruth Perry, but before the introduction of the new inspection framework. I had been through Ofsted inspections before. I’m no shrinking violet. I’ve always considered myself a tough cookie, and after more than two decades in education, I’m certainly no stranger to professional challenge or accountability. But this was different. The 48 hours that followed were, without exaggeration, among the most professionally distressing of my life. I felt that nothing we did was good enough. Nothing we said seemed to matter. The atmosphere was oppressive, and I felt as though we were constantly on the defensive. My own meeting with inspectors felt less like a professional discussion and more like an interrogation. I was talked over, challenged relentlessly and made to feel as though I was being cross-examined rather than given an opportunity to explain the work we were doing. One particular exchange will probably stay with me forever. An inspector became fixated on the attendance of a deeply vulnerable young person. I won’t share their circumstances in detail because they deserve privacy. But suffice to say that this child had experienced significant trauma, instability and loss.their life had been unimaginably difficult, and simply getting through an ordinary school day could be an enormous achievement. We had invested extraordinary amounts of time, care and support in helping them. We knew them. We understood their circumstances. We celebrated the small steps forward that, for them, represented huge progress. The inspector was critical of his attendance and accused us of having low expectations……Low expectations. I can still remember how those words made me feel. I cried. Not because I couldn’t cope with criticism, but because I was so desperately angry and upset that anyone could interpret our compassion, understanding and determination to help this child as having low expectations of them. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

Surely there has to be room within an inspection system to recognise that, for some children, progress cannot always be measured in percentages and spreadsheets? Surely understanding the impact of trauma and disadvantage isn’t the same as accepting failure? After that meeting, I went and sat alone in my car. I needed to get away. I needed to compose myself. I needed a few moments where nobody could see me. In more than 20 years of working in education, I had never done that before. And I wasn’t the only one struggling. During those two days, I saw at least three colleagues reduced to tears. These weren’t people who didn’t care or couldn’t cope with the ordinary pressures of teaching. They were committed professionals who gave everything to the children in their care. Watching them so distressed was heartbreaking. We eventually emerged with a mixture of Good and Requires Improvement judgements. Not a disastrous outcome, particularly given the challenges our school faces. And that’s perhaps what makes everything that followed so difficult to explain. Because it wasn’t really about the grades. It was about what those 48 hours did to us.

Shortly afterwards, an experienced, hardworking head of department resigned and left teaching altogether. And I became very ill. My mental health deteriorated to the point where I was unable to work for three months. Three months. After more than 20 years of loving my job, I found myself unable to do it. My confidence was shattered. I questioned my competence, my judgement and my professional worth. Everything I had spent decades building, everything I had once felt so proud of, suddenly felt tainted. I struggled with some very dark thoughts during that period. I don’t say that lightly, and it’s not something I ever imagined I would be admitting publicly, even anonymously. I had always been the person other people turned to when things became difficult. Now I was struggling to hold myself together. And the really frightening thing is that the effects haven’t gone away.

Even now, I struggle with anxiety. I second-guess myself. The confidence I once had seems to have disappeared. But there’s something else. We know Ofsted is due to return before the end of this academic year. And I am absolutely terrified. I cannot adequately describe the dread I feel at the thought of going through another inspection. Even sitting here writing this post,

remembering what happened and knowing that another inspection is approaching, I feel physically sick. I simply cannot face it again. So, after more than 20 years in a profession I have genuinely adored, I’m now looking for ways to leave education altogether. And that breaks my heart. I don’t want to leave because I’ve stopped caring about children. I haven’t. I don’t want to leave because the job is demanding. It has always been demanding. And I certainly don’t want to leave because I don’t believe schools should be accountable. Of course they should. Children deserve the very best education we can provide, and schools should absolutely be challenged when they need to improve. But surely there is a way to hold schools accountable without destroying the confidence and wellbeing of the people working within them? Surely inspectors can be rigorous without making people feel humiliated? Surely the professionals who spend their lives supporting vulnerable children deserve to be treated with some of the same compassion and humanity that we are expected to show those children every single day? I think about the younger version of myself who entered education full of enthusiasm, optimism and determination to make a difference. I wish I could find that person again. I wish I could walk into school without the anxiety that now follows me around. I wish I could look forward to the future rather than dread what might be coming. And more than anything, I wish I could feel proud of myself again. Because I used to be. I was proud of my career. Proud of the difference I made. Proud of the relationships I’d built with children and families. Proud to be part of a profession that, despite all its difficulties, I genuinely believed was one of the most important in the world. I don’t feel that way about myself anymore. And I find that desperately sad.

I know there will be people who read this and say that inspections are supposed to be challenging, that schools need accountability, or that senior leaders should be resilient enough to cope with scrutiny. I understand those arguments. But I would ask those people to consider something. What does it say about an accountability system when someone who has spent more than 20 years navigating the challenges of education is now so frightened of being inspected that they feel they have no option but to leave the profession they love? What does it say when dedicated teachers are reduced to tears? When experienced colleagues walk away? When a school leader becomes so unwell following an inspection that they cannot work for months? And what does it say when the fear of another inspection is enough to make someone feel physically sick?

I don’t have all the answers. I just know that something has gone terribly wrong when the people who dedicate their lives to helping children feel this way. I also wonder how many others are quietly experiencing the same thing. How many teachers and school leaders are carrying the emotional scars of an inspection long after the inspectors have packed up and left? How many are sitting in their cars trying to compose themselves? How many are lying awake at night, questioning whether they’re good enough? And how many are quietly planning their escape from a profession they once loved? I never thought I would be one of them. But here I am. After more than 20 years, I haven’t fallen out of love with education. I’ve simply reached a point where I’m frightened of what staying in it might do to me. And I cannot begin to tell you how heartbreaking that feels. I’d genuinely like to hear from other teachers and school leaders who have experienced something similar. Because right now, I feel incredibly alone.

40 replies

Exactly that. Married 25 years. Had a huge arguement tonight as he moaned about lights being left on and it escalated. I said in anger that he can not expect a birthday celebration tomorrow. He said fine.
I’m now not sure what to do?

15 replies

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

397 replies

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Please can someone advise? My hair has become steadily more tangled and matted to the extent that after I washed it tonight, I can't get my fingers through it at all. I'm just pulling loads out trying to brush it and now I'm panicking a bit.

I suspected it might be a hard water build up so bought some clarifying shampoo and did a cider vinegar rinse, then used my usual redken shampoo and conditioner. I also bought a filter head for the shower. If anything, it's even worse and even more matted.

The water company where I live has recently advised that the water will be even harder due to the minerals at source. My hair is fine, highlighted and dry anyway and has become wavy and frizzy as I've got older, although it appears straight when dry. It won't hold waves or curls, its too fine and flyaway.

Please, has anyone had this and found a solution? I've got some much broken hair from trying to brush it out and the texture is horrible. My hairdresser is no help, unfortunately.

59 replies

I've loved charity shopping for over 30 years, but like many I've long mixed it with online second hand shopping.
The stories in this Guardian article are not new to those of us who've read threads on here, work in the shops or know people who do.
I never sell online myself and am a very mindful donatter, but my own eBay addiction and Vinted dabbling is contributing to this in a way.
Shops won't want to discourage donations, but it seems more push back on the mountains of crap is needed.

www.theguardian.com/fashion/2026/oct/13/people-sell-their-best-stuff-on-vinted-how-charity-shops-became-a-dumping-ground-for-unsellable-clothes

295 replies

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not because I can go 0-100 and start catastrophising.

My partner and I have two daughters aged 2 and 9 months. He's not good with emotional regulation and sometimes shouts at our 2 year old when she's moaning, whining, crying or repeatedly calling for him. Typical 2 year old behaviour.

I'm not saying I don't raise my voice at times but it's usually when she's hurting her younger sister, doing something dangerously or not listening after I've calmly spoken to her severallll times.

When he shouts at her, usually she just continues as normal but today she started crying and it broke my heart. I'm tired of talking to him about this. I know he's struggling with this stage of them being so young and not having the words to express themselves and I try to give him grace about his emotional regulation issues (I come from a family of psychologists and also trained as one so I can clearly see he would meet a diagnosis of ADHD and ASD), but I also don't think that should excuse his behaviour.

I start thinking I should leave the relationship and limit contact (not keep them completely from him but take majority custody) to protect my girls. Am I overacting?

Anyone the child of a father who yelled at them a lot? How did it affect you?

68 replies

It's been reported that the video of the young man being mauled to death by the tiger has been posted on his social media platform, ostensibly to warn us all NOT to mess the dangerous animals.
Oh my good god I despair and wonder what is next? Does he really keep thinking he can cover up his vileness by blaming everyone and everything but himself?
Other sickos have done the same.............it's sick beyond words.

86 replies

DS is turning 8, he’s an only child.

Just over two months ago ExDP decided that after a tantrum from DS he no longer wants to see him. Sent me a text saying “I’m not seeing DS anymore, I’ve had enough”.

ExDP lives with his parents, who have been having him 1-2 night per week for the last month as I think they secretly feel bad. So, DS has seen his dad a few times in passing.

Last week, he played hide and seek with him for a while and then announced he was going for dinner at his girlfriend’s house and never returned.

The whole thing has, understandably, been upsetting and confusing for DS.

DS’ birthday is on Monday, ExDP has asked if he can take him out on Sunday. My initial reaction was to say absolutely yes, but now I’m wondering should I say no?

I know he has no intention of any consistent pattern of contact, will it be too confusing/unfair for DS? Should I say yes, if he’s willing to commit to a consistent pattern?

I don’t know what’s for the best.

31 replies

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I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

387 replies

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808 replies

I'd like to get rid of our bath and install a shower cubicle which would free up some much needed storage space in our small family bathroom.

No one in our household has had a bath in years and I feel a shower cubicle would work better for us (me and two adult DC).

The master bedroom already has a small en-suite shower room which DH uses.

But I'm concerned no bath could put people off buying when we sell up in a few years time (5+ years).

Would you be happy buying a house with no bath?

306 replies

I need a pair of comfy shoes that go with barrel leg and wide leg work trousers (think the classic Uniqlo sort of trousers). I’d like them to work through winter, my feet are wide ish but not wide enough for wide fit shoes. I want them for presenting at events where trainers are just too casual.
Ballet shoes are probably not going to last through winter but I do like the look of them the best 🙈
All suggestions welcome!

10 replies

IToday i’ve realised how much my ds actually posts on social media. I knew he had TikTok and Instagram but not to this extent. I thought he mostly watched videos and followed bands etc but he’s got about 1.5k followers on TikTok and 53k likes altogether. He’s mostly showing his outfits, lip syncing to music and talking about bands he likes. Some of them are quite niche and he gets really into them. There’s pictures of himself too and the odd video talking about how he’s feeling. I just didn’t realise how much he was putting out there.

He’s 14, autistic and has quite significant mental health issues. He’s had a difficult couple of years and barely goes to school now. Last year they were fairly lax about his dyed hair and piercings because he was in the hub for most of the day anyway, it’s a room for the autistic children away from the other pupils. He’s got quite a few piercings already and is constantly begging me for more. The school have now changed their stance and said if they allow it for him they’d have to allow it for everyone, so he’s stopped attending altogether. It’s all got very difficult tbh.

He dresses emo/scene and it’s very much his thing. I’m not against how he looks and he’s openly bisexual on TikTok which isn’t an issue in our house. He doesn’t really have any friends in real life which I do worry about, although he’d probably tell you he doesn’t need any. Social media seems to be where he gets most of his interaction with people.

Some of the comments are a bit concerning. Some people take the piss out of him or call him weird and he’ll argue back for ages instead of just ignoring them. Then there are accounts that look like teenage girls flirting with him, calling him cute and tagging their friends under his pictures. One seems to comment on quite a lot of his stuff. I don’t know these girls or whether they’re actually who they say they are.

He does have an online friend who’s a girl and she’s 16. I’ve actually met her as they went to a small gig together and she seemed perfectly nice, also very scene and they have similar music tastes. So I know not every online friendship is dodgy and I’m not against him having friends online. They get on well and she seems to understand him. It’s the other accounts I don’t know what to make of.

I don’t want to ban everything just because I’m worried, as social media is one of the few places he seems confident and he does get a lot out of the music side of it. With him not really going to school or having friends outside the internet I worry taking it away would leave him even more isolated. But equally he’s not great at judging people’s intentions sometimes and can be very trusting if someone seems to like him. He gets defensive if I question anything and says I’m treating him like a little kid.

I just don’t know if I’m being too relaxed about the attention he’s getting, especially with his mental health being how it is. I knew he had social media, I just didn’t realise how public it all was or how many people were interacting with him.

52 replies

This is a long complex one…

I met my ex boyfriend at work in November 2019..during early covid we both survived a round of redundancies so started chatting via text during the lockdowns. Once restrictions relaxed towards the end of the year he moved in with me while the house he’d bought during covid was completed with the view of me moving in with him.

to cut a very long story short what proceeded was then 4 years of back and forth hot and cold behaviour he told me living with him didn’t line up with his gut feeling he refused to let me meet his family. Hed say he wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship, He’d end our relationship only to ask to see me a week or so later. I know what you’re thinking why put up with it? But I was so confused at this point due to the intermittent reinforcement nature of the relationship I just wanted the version of him I’d experienced at the start.

anyway by last year I’d had enough and cut all contact. June this year he shows up out of the blue saying he wanted to come back to me he’s realised he wants to be with me. Oh and that he’d had to sell his house due to loosing his job and he’s been living with someone else and she got to meet his family! I was devastated. He said as soon as he moved in with her they both realised it was a mistake and he moved into a separate room and she’s let him stay there for 7 months as a lodger essentially.. or so he says.

he’s pulled out all the stops to apologise.. done some real grovelling and while I do love him and he’s now offering the relationship I’ve always wanted with him it’s tempting to give it a go the other part of me feels like this is all a little too convenient because I have my own house and he’s realised the grass isn’t greener. He says he loves me and couldn’t handle it and his issues at the time.

thanks for reading all of that. I know deep down to tell him no but there’s a part of me that respects his honesty and thinks am I overreacting I’m also devastated this woman got to live with him and meet his family when I was denied these experiences for years.

105 replies

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

314 replies

I am lucky enough that my children and grandchildren are almost always with us for Christmas Day. However, this year to my delight they are coming Christmas Eve and staying overnight, therefore waking up to Christmas morning at our house. It's the first year since my children were that age that we will be doing the Father Christmas thing! Their mum (my daughter) and I have agreed to follow the traditions they usually do (which is actually the same as were done when my children were small). We will all have matching pyjamas, leave cookies for Santa, stockings first thing. But we also want to do even more to make it magical for them too - ages 5 and up by the way. Any ideas for the night before or the morning, food ideas, decorations? Would be grateful for all or any ideas. Will also have teenagers too.

20 replies

We've been together 15+ years, married with kids last 5, I thought we covered all the topics when it comes to values and principles - especially related to the way we raise our children but turns out he was full of it - to put it bluntly.
Essentially, with meeting new kids/parents through nursery/school - I now realise he is very much leaning toward being,well, racist 😔
You would think - how did I not notice this before....well the thing is he was always respectful to friends or colleagues regardless the ethnicity - but now when we discuss behaviour that our child picks up from the nursery from another child - he attributes/explains behaviours with 'well ofcourse this happened considering he is x'.
Then slowly such vocabulary moved into every day conversations about e.g. neighbours - he'd say derogatory things about particular nation based on behaviour of a single person that affects us.
I am just so blindsided and can't stop thinking about how this will shape our children.
How could I have been so blind...or could he had just pretended all this time, and why??
Or can people change their views about something so basic so dramatically?
Recently he started making mean comments about LGBTQ community too - I mean we have friends that he loves or I thought so...
I am also thinking his mum's recent visit may have encouraged him to speak up - clearly these are the values he was brought up with.
I am also ashamed... I am looking at my DS atm sleeping - he is such a warm friendly loving and a smart boy and he is being exposed to comments like this. He loves all his little friends. He was talking proudly about friends he'd like to invite to his bday and his grandma actually asked him what colour is a certain child...she also described a 4 yo girl in the playground as fat.
I am sorry if this is a jumble of topics here - a husband showing true colours years later, a toxic mil, a clash in values, challenge with co-parenting, protecting a child from instilling wrong values...
So is it that I was blind all this time (YANBU) and I just never got to know him - or people actually can just change their core values so drastically (YABU).

58 replies

I was off work for the past two days due to illness - pretty sure it was norovirus and I felt absolutely dreadful. I was in no state to work.

I knew I had a meeting with a particular stakeholder on Monday and assumed my manager would have covered me (she’s usually ‘on it’ with things like this).

My manager did attend the call but wasn’t up to speed and didn’t give accurate updates, so a meeting was re-scheduled for this morning. My senior manager was also invited by this stakeholder, who it was clear within minutes of it starting was unhappy.

My senior manager, who is generally quite ‘direct’, challenged this stakeholder and explained I was unexpectedly absent. Their exchange then went something like this:

Stakeholder - I would expect there to have been a handover.
Senior Manager - she was unexpectedly absent.
Stakeholder - in my department, this wouldn’t happen and if someone’s absent and there’s an important meeting, they’d ensure they were correctly represented.
Senior Manager - for goodness sake, she was pissing out of her arse, what did you expect her to do.

All present were women, it is a corporate company and there’s a sort of ‘say it as it is’ culture, but within respectful boundaries.

AIBU to feel a bit put out by the comment? I did mention to my Manager who felt she was just sticking up for me and not to read anything in to it.

26 replies

Katie Zacharia's firsthttps://www.youtube.com/live/g7we6gecwnc?si=m92evZxqmBkR0Cf3&t=508 day as Press Secretary in the White House

Interesting hire - she claims to be a lawyer but not registered at the Bar in any US State

Former political commentator on Fox News

So it's her first briefing. I've done a link which starts after 8 minutes of her talking about what Trump has done.

It's not a good start to her first day

Just 3 questions

An easy one from Breitbart
She didn't know the second one so she said she would get back to them
An easy one on family life where she called her husband The President

And that's it

I think the press are going to have a field day with her.
She's no CJ

At least my first day wasn't in the public eye. I just sat at a desk

https://www.youtube.com/live/g7we6gecwnc?si=m92evZxqmBkR0Cf3&t=508

61 replies

Help! I seem to be searching for something that doesn't exist.

I'm after an elephant/mushroom (dark taupe) coloured eyeliner that is matte, without any shimmer or glitter. Today I got the Rimmel one in taupe and within half an hour shimmery, glittery bits had migrated around my eye area.

Can anyone suggest anything, please.

9 replies

Ok, so, maybe my title oversimplifies it a bit, so I'll try to explain. Please forgive the length.

Split up with x-DH almost 10 years ago. Have DD(16) who's super academic, and DS(14) who's equally bright but has completely different interests. He's doing absolutely fine in school for the moment - not the top, but a comfortably upper middle. Well behaved, loving, good boy, and very athletic which is relevant.

The problem is the future. x-DH works for himself and has become - if I'm being honest, through a huge stroke of luck - very successful (too long to explain what I mean by this, but he's not the role model he thinks he is, as he's not honest about his 'success story', which I know fully and our DC don't). Over the last year I've learnt that he is constantly telling both DC that, basically, people with jobs are stupid. And all sorts of American business-self-help inspired stuff which isn't always wrong, but he totally lacks nuance and context, and also sometimes is just blatantly disrespectful to anyone who's chosen a different track in life. My DC, particularly DS, are too young to apply any kind of critical thinking to what he tells them - they take it at face value and it's starting to cause me huge concern.

I'm a professional with a very high level of education and, while I earn about a fifth of what x-DH earns, my work is fulfilling, well respected and I contribute to society in various ways - in other words, there is a purpose to what I do beyond just the ££. I'm only saying this to back up my claim that people with jobs are not all just idiots who don't know what's good for them.....

DD doesn't care about what her dad says and isn't interested to work for herself. She'll go to uni and have a career of some kind.

DS, however, isn't keen on school at all, and keeps telling me that the second he's not obliged to go to school by law, he's going to leave and pursue his [insert here fun but expensive and dangerous extreme-sport type hobby] full time, so he can become a professional. Has stated clearly he'd rather die than work in an office environment and will never have a boss, because dad says that's a very bad idea.

I am worried that my son will leave school after GCSEs. This is absolutely not a dig at anyone who has that level of education, I'm not coming from a place of snobbery. It's just that, with about 50% of young people now having degrees, do you really want to sit in the bottom half of the population, education wise? In an ultra competitive job market (I mean general jobs, not his hobby)? When I've tried to say things like 'education keeps your options open' or 'don't put all your eggs into one basket (the hobby)' my DS gets very emotional and says that I don't believe in him (that he can make it in the ultra competitive sport).

I always said I'd never tell my kids what to do and would support them in whatever their ambition is. Is this now an example of exactly that situation, which I just can't recognise? Or is this something else, as what he's looking to do is incredibly hard to achieve and also seriously dangerous (an injury could take you out of the sport for good).

Even just the concept of working for yourself - yes, that's great, but surely you need some good knowledge and education under your belt to make a success of it? The most successful enterpreneurs are often very educated. The person who succeeds with zero GCSE is an exception, surely, and people with no qualifications typically end up with less choice over jobs open to them.

Am I wrong about all this? I'm struggling to separate reality from ideology/belief systems.

Do I just sit tight and hope this is a phase at 14 which will change by 18? Or do I keep trying to discuss it with him? Thank you in advance for your comments.

23 replies