Is anyone actually having passionate/ good sex?

[Polyestered]

I mean those of us in our late 30s/40s and beyond, in a long term relationship/ marriage and in the small child era. What is your secret? Clearly if you’re reading this age 22 and have been with your boyfriend for a year you don’t need a secret 😅

I don’t have a bad marriage (but it’s not wildly great either) but after 15 + years together and 2 invasive and whiny children under 5, the chemistry is zero. There is no passion. I want it back but it just feels like there’s so much “STUFF” between us, we have no privacy from the kids, it’s a buzz kill for me. I simultaneously want to switch off, completely let go and lose all the thoughts in my head but can’t and I’m so uptight, and so bored and frustrated all at once. 😮‍💨 is this inevitable or has anyone managed to keep the passion alive?

Work on the relationship first.

Long term relationships take effort, they need tended.

It’s very easy for children, work, household chores etc to get in the way of spending time together like you did pre kids.

Prioritise your relationship, or by the time your children are adults (which doesnt take that long) you won’t recognise each other.

DH and I weren’t, for quite a while, when our kids were little. Now they’re older (youngest is 12) and we both have a bit more time to get back to ‘us’, plus what I think is a peri boost(!) so I’m much more up for it, our sex life has improved massively over the last year.

It’s a a bit of a chicken and egg scenario I think. Things only improved once we started trying a bit more.

All that to say, it’s possible to get it back, but if your kids are still small cut yourself some slack too.

It is really hard when they’re little. Ours are now early secondary school age and it is much better - firstly as they are out and about more and secondly it is easier for us to go out alone together and have that connection which was near impossible when they were small.

well aware that we need to work on the relationship first - but that is often easier said then done. There isn’t anything inherently “wrong” with our relationship, no major problems except we are ground down by raising 2 fairly difficult children without any help whilst both trying to work and renovate a house. The usual stuff.

babysitters are £15/ hour here so can’t exactly justify weekly date nights. We do talk a lot, but I’m fed up of talking to be honest.

I just want some wild passion but we are just too careful and guarded around each other.

no.... that is all...

Yes!

Yes (but not with my husband)

If you are careful and guarded around each other then with respect, something is wrong.

Find out what it is, discuss how to fix it, everything else will flow from that.

There’s no magic wand here unfortunately.

Your life sounds very full on and I think during those periods you just cling on as best you can and then both go back to making more effort when there is space. But you both have to.

And carve out little things each day. Like a cuddle before sleep or a proper kiss before work. Vary them so it's not routine. It helps keep you connected imo

I’m a bit younger than you’re asking, early thirties but we have two v young children, together over ten years, own a hectic business, long working hours etc etc so know stress and pressure well 😂 I’m not sure if there’s a secret, but I’d argue we’re the best we’ve ever been now, and we were pretty good to start with 😅 I do really fancy him, he’s gorgeous, that’s important of course (and he tells me often how much he physically fancies / wants me, which is nice) but I think a lot of it is down to how much mutual respect, trust, support and appreciation we have for each other. He’s so deeply good, and he seems to think I’m pretty amazing too, so I guess that helps re feeling open and relaxed. I think we also both make the effort to, where possible, show each other we value one another, and that our relationship does mean a lot, on both sides.
Hope you can figure it all out op, all the best!

My advice @Polyestered is date each other again. Don't think of how hard that is, find ways to connect that is something different, exciting, not just talking about life/kids/to do's. I know baby-sitters are expensive but your marriage is worth it. Get a baby-sitter at least twice a month go do things together - making pottery, wine tasting, the theatre, swimming. Things that you don't get to do now you are parents - well maybe you swim occasionally but it's not the same. Go somewhere with a hot tub. The weekend you aren't out together have a date night at home after kids in bed- massage, a film together etc.

It is so so easy to fall out of being 'in love' when you are an exhausted parent for years on end. It's so easy to lose sight of who you are. But it's so so important to do something to remember you are people, a couple, lovers, partners, not just parents. It will ebb and flow. Just don't let it be in the ditch!

By no chemistry do you mean you don’t fancy him anymore? What were things like pre kids?

We take random day off (annual leave) here and there to spend time together while daughter is in nursery. I highly recommend this 👌🏻 can’t do date nights but we most definitely can do date days 😉

Small kids have a way of crowding out their parents love life. Any chance of a night away without them? A visit to the grandparents?

With 1st husband, zero. Once stood in front of him half naked and he said gardeners world is on, move. We had no chemistry, it also made us almost shy with each other, the longer we left it the more difficult it became to initiate, we laughed at stuff, watched TV but no passion.

A million other things happened and im now 3 years in with a my "new" man and we have sex every other day, from about 9.30pm when bith kids who are 12 and 9 are asleep. Its hot sex but just a bit quieter so not to wake them!

It can be done but give yourself a break your kids are younger, you have probs been touched all day by them! I know that my partner understands he's in for a good time when I'm feeling looked after, dishwasher is done, brew made etc so I'm already winding down. No one want to be cleaning the kids in the bath one minute and sex the next. Took me a while to get there though, am 43!

I am not having any sex.

yes....

I’m48 and my DH is 63. We have a very active sex life and he totally rocks my world in the bedroom. Been together 24 years and don’t get me wrong we have had tough times and ups and downs. But we are absolutely rock solid and I adore him and he still gives me the Fanny gallops just looking at him.

I think what’s helped us is both making an active choice to do nice things for each other even when we don’t have to. So I make his packed lunch every day and include his favourite things …. Home made sausage rolls, a slice of apple pie with a pot of cold custard, sarnies with his favourite cheese or Billy bear meat , maybe the white mice he loves so much. I buy him the fancy coffee and Darjeeling tea he loves as he won’t spend the money on himself. I put silly notes in his lunch box. I make a point of texting him every day while he’s at work to tell him I miss him or what I’m up to and asking if he’s ok. And this is going to sound silly but every single day he gives me a foot massage and puts my socks on for me. Started when I got RA and my feet were so swollen and couldn’t bend down but now it’s a kind of ritual that’s gone on for 18 years. He buys me fluffy or novelty socks wherever he sees them. He puts my electric blanket on for me whenever it’s cold. Every spring he showers me with dozens and dozens of bunches of daffodils and always pairs them with popcorn as that’s what he did the first time he came to my house to watch a movie. He brings me a sense of peace and safety that I’ve never felt before in my life. I can depend on him in every possible way. And that’s sexy as hell. So yeah, despite the lengthy relationship we are still intimate pretty much every day.

Following @Polyestered because I'm in the same boat although 6 months pp with DC no 3 and feel like I'll never have a hot passionate moment of any sort ever again 😩

We never were an every-night couple, but we didn't drop off when we had the kids and stayed as regular and connected as we had always been. That did take a lot of effort on my part to create the space to get her out of her own head, and I think we would have dropped off if at least one of us hadn't taken responsibility for it. Much in the way @Legoleopard describes, and not being a moany man when it's just not going to happen otherwise, then it becomes transactional, which is a rocky road.

Taking days off together and having some time during the day can be nice if you have someone to look after the children or some form of day care. If you have someone who could babysit in your house, then there is an app called DayUse, where you can book a hotel room during the day, which can feel a little illicit to get the juices flowing!! Adding any novelty really helped us.

I’m slightly younger but married and with 2 very young children, we still have a great relationship & sex life with lots of passion but passion does look different to how it did pre kids (quieter and quicker😂). We take the chances whenever we get them, sometimes that’s literally 5 mins, sometimes it’s more, we don’t have entire evenings to dedicate to it like we used to but that doesn’t make it impossible. I think the only tip I have really is that we are still intimate in small ways throughout the day- not sex- kisses, cuddles, holding hands etc so sex doesn’t feel forced/awkward in a way I think it can when day to day intimacy disappears.

Yes, not as often as we would like due to not getting much time alone without the teens. Probably could spice things up a bit more but have put a bit of effort in lately, and by that I mean having conversations about what we like and whether we are happy with our sex life and if we wanted to try anything we hadn’t yet. It was a bit cringe having the conversation but I brought it up under the umbrella of wanting to be as happy as we could. Been together for more than 2 decades so I think we are doing ok!
but I do think you need to check in and talk about it now and again. Not just take for granted that each others boxes are being ticked. We try to go away without kids at least a few times a year too, so we can hang out, have a bit of afternoon fun and then go out for dinner, drinks and dance like idiots.
I think a weekend away works wonders, and we let each other off the hook if tired but try to make it happen, bare minimum once a week. Not much I know but keeps us in touch 😂

Yes thanks!
8 years in, 2 year old, still pretty much daily, sometimes more.
But DC sleeps at least 12 hours most nights, DH pulls his weight around the house so it's not all on me.

I’m turning 40 next month, have been married for nearly fourteen years, have kids who are eight and eleven, and my husband and I have fantastic sex. I do think, though, we’d have an opportunity problem if he didn’t work from home and I wasn’t a SAHM. It’s not a very big house, our older daughter’s bedroom is right next to ours, she keeps staying up late when she’s not supposed to, and I’m pretty much incapable of enjoying sex if I know that there’s an awake child in the house. Most of the sex we have is during his “lunch hour.”

We do have fantastic sex, though. I’ve always orgasmed easily and despite being together since we were teenagers, we somehow keep managing to think of new variations we haven’t tried yet.

Yes although we go through phases (which I think is normal), late 30s/early 40s with a toddler and one on the way. Zero sex currently as I’m 37 weeks 😂😂 I found the best time for me is the mornings, by the evening I’m totally touched out by the toddler and so exhausted that I don’t even want my husband to sit next to me on the sofa. I imagine it will be a while before we get back to good sex though after this one is born though.