Coping with mismatched libido and loss of intimacy in marriage

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Long time reader, first time poster and nc as really don’t want to be identified by anyone I know in rl.
I'm early 50s, dh is a bit older.
struggling through menopause, but trying hard to stay well both physically and emotionally.
But I’m missing sex with my dh. His sex drive has gone, I still want it and I’m sad it feels like that part of our relationship is over.
We talk, he’s had all the health checks for us to know it’s nothing to worry about. Testosterone is still higher range so no help by having that prescribed. Tried the little pills which work a bit…but it’s just the desire to take them or do anything is not there. Says he enjoys it when we do. But I’m left wanting more. I swing between wanting it but being disappointed (ed cuts things short) and forcing myself to shut down and not think about it. Very occasionally when we have had sex over the last couple of years it’s been great but I’m left wanting it more the next day/week but then we don’t do anything. So I cut myself off, I surpress my desire so that I’m not disappointed but that makes me distant, sad, no intimacy at all leaves me feeling unwanted, unattractive. Just bloody miserable.
I can’t pressure him to want it more- that’s not fair on him, besides which- extra pressure equals even worse performance! He wants to make me happy but I want what we had and I’m never going to have that again, it’s like mourning.
I read the threads about mismatched libido searching for answers and never finding them.
I don’t want anyone else, just him. We love each other very much but I miss the connection and togetherness that being intimate brings. I’m struggling to find another way to feel that.
I can’t find that balance I need to be happy.
Am I alone? Do other people experience this? Do I just have to wait until my libido buggers off as well? Any wise words for me?

This has been my experience around that age.

Many years later he started taking another woman out. I found signs of activity in his underwear! He denied it but I know something went on!

Read the similar posts on the 'Sex' board. It's enlightening.

Same here, I know he's just not bothered any more.

I had to really weigh up whether I leave and have sex (probably casual and with someone who I would always like less than my DP) or stay and feel like I was missing out. It's taken a few years but I'm sure I made the right decision to stay. He loves me and is my favourite person and I can't imagine even trying to spend time with another man. I do miss sex though and there isn't a day that I don't think about it in some way or another.

It's like he has a health condition in my mind and I need to adapt to our new normal. Hopefully my libido will fuck off too and we can be platonic together then. I actually think he likes having no libido as his high sex drive dominated his life and relationships in his youth (before we met). It's such a shame as I still fancy him and sex was off the scale good. He's had all the tests too, testosterone within normal range and high blood pressure but controlled with medication. We've been together 12 years and we had great sex for probably 7/8 years but it declined once he hit about 57 and nothing since he turned 60.

Could have written this myself. Unfortunately I don’t have any answers.

I’ve read threads on here, in fact I’ve written one myself in the past - and the answers are usually “leave”. Thing is, I don’t want to leave and start again at my age. I can’t imagine trying to date (well I can, but based on friend’s experiences it’s a shit show). All I want is an intimate loving relationship with the husband I’ve got!

I don’t know OP you said you want more the next day? Probably ige never wanted sex the next day after sex. Daily sex isn’t on my radar. Twice a week sure but 7 times a week no thank you

Ugh I could have written this as well.
my partner has health issues though, so we can’t even use the blue pill.
like you, I don’t want anybody else and couldn’t imagine casual sex on the side.
makes me sad every day and I find it so hard not to be resentful and make snide comments when I’m finding it particularly hard (which obviously won’t help the situation either!)
really feel for you and wish I had some useful suggestions!

My DP is a bit older than me (70), and whilst we’ve been fortunate that our libidos are generally very compatible there have been patches where due to ill health or injury DP’s drive has lowered significantly. However, at those times we still make a point of cuddling up naked, slow kisses etc, and whilst the act isn’t there, the intimacy stays strong. Even things like holding hands walking on the beach help.

Same. I spent the first few years being upset about it, feeling worthless, unsexy, unloved, then occasionally having sly digs, which made no difference. (His sex drive was always way lower than mine anyway). I shut down my emotions where intimacy was concerned a long time ago, as all it did was hurt me when it wasn't reciprocated.
Our relationship is good in every other aspect. We rarely argue, we have days out, nice meals out. He's appreciative when I cook or do anything for him. We share chores. He'll do anything I ask him without question. He buys me things and treats me well. But it feels like we're housemates more than husband and wife now. We still share a bed, but there are no cuddles or anything. He kisses me before he goes to work if I'm up and kisses me when he goes out or goes to bed. But it's a peck on the lips.
I debated whether to leave in the early days of this (we'd been married 15 years by the time our sex life stopped) but I decided nobody would actually 'get me' and care for me like he does.
16 years down the line I'm 95% happy with my lot. I've gone through the menopause and my libido has lessened a lot. I rarely think about sex, let alone want it now. And I think after all this time, if he did make a move on me (which he wouldn't) then it would be quite embarrassing.
It's also not a rare thing, I have a good friend who has exactly the same kind of relationship, although her situation is different to mine. And I've known others go through the same thing. I always thought I was alone, but from what I've heard, it's quite common.
At the end of the day, it's your choice and it depends on how strong the rest of your relationship is and whether you're happy eith just that. You have to decide if you can truly live without sex for the rest of your life with that person. If you're happy to do that, then all good. If not, you have to decide what you do want and make it happen, whatever that is.

If he suffering from ED you could move to the daily low dose pills, those might help a little bit with spontaneous erections ( if there is a mechanical problem ) rather then the on demand erections

but if his actual sex drive is quite low there is not really much you can do, its not right to pressure people into sex they don’t want ( even men ) , maybe a weekly / fortnight date night and just have a good time together with no expectations.

the other thing would be to keep up the physical touch both in and out of bed, touch his arm , back , bum , keep up those “I’m here” touches, and try holding him in bed , you could try holding his penis in bed, don’t do anything just hold it

How old is it typically before male libido starts to fade? DP is 56 and frequently loses his erection. He insists it’s not me, and he still has desire. To me, he seem much too young for these things to be an issue, but I am reading this and wondering if this is in my immediate future…

Mine started at 50.my libido didn't but the ED started.All tests at the doctors fine and was told its just what can happen around my age.Its I still have the desire to have sex and I really still do find my partner attractive its just the ED makes it frustrating.

I’m sorry that happened to you @Wamid but I can say with as much certainty as I can that’s not what this feels. He’s been worried I’ll go and look elsewhere - but I never would.

This is it… much the same. My favourite person too and I’d not leave him because of this- too much other great stuff that make us work as each others pair. It really does help though knowing I’m not alone. Thank you

Thank you, I like this- I think I need to work on my expectations though and not be so hopeful naked cuddles might lead to more. That might mean I’m more open and less withdrawn.

Thank you for being so honest about how it’s affected you. I don’t want ‘housemates’ and that’s what it feels sometimes- especially either work, routine and other life stuff. But we are strong, he is my one person, lots of ideas from these replies that give me hope that I can still feel close - just knowing it’s normal too helps hugely.

I have been asking the same- too young! And everything I seem to read - the thread the other day about sex over 65. It leaves me feeling it’s not usual. But the answers I’m getting here are pointing to actually it’s more normal that I thought.
I get the same from my dh- he does like me, still fancies me even, it’s not me- it’s him…It just doesn’t work well anymore and the desire has gone.
He did go to the GP to rule out any health concerns (prostate check and general blood tests) and check testosterone levels (he’d have taken it if it was low) so it’s worth having the conversation with your DP,
good luck- I’m sorry that I’m not a great ‘it’ll get betterm’ story for you 🩷

I suppose I just mean- it reminds me how much I miss it when it’s great, I get my hopes up and the cycle starts again. I love sex with him, so I want more- couldn’t go for 7 days either- but I’d happily have it once or twice a week and be very content!

Take a look at some of the “daily” low dose over the counter medications like tadalafil - they can help improve endothelial function-

https://onlinedoctor.boots.com/erectile-dysfunction

That’s lovely. That’s what it should be like during dry times

It needs to be more well known that men go off sex just as much as women do.
Some thing to bear in mind though is I went on one of those punting forums out of curiosity, disgusting places.. but the amount of men who pretended to not have a sex drive anymore to their wives but were happily paying prostitutes. When they had a wife at home who wanted sex!

I've been in this position and know how utterly miserable it can be. It really wouldn't hurt him to give you more physical affection, but he chooses not to. Even if he had ED he could still give you pleasure in other ways ( he has hands and a mouth, I assume) or even with the aid of sex toys.

To be blunt, your choices are to leave or have an affair.

Don't waste your precious years feeling unwanted and frustrated.8

Mine started having occasional issues from early 40’s. I’m pretty sure after reading a lot about it that it was down to porn use. He then lost his libido as he headed towards 50 and insists he can’t even be bothered with porn anymore, he just doesn’t get the urge. I actually believe that he doesn’t bother with it anymore (I’ve become an expert at spotting the signs over the years) and due to us both working from home he’s barely home alone anyway.

Eeh that made me laugh ‘signs of activity in his underwear’ I love your turn of phrase 😂