Was Paul Newman, discuss

Bear with me MN community as I try and articulate this.
Been married for 16 years. Two children, 12 and 9.
About 5 years ago I posted on here about finding a bag of cocaine on my driveway. It was 830 in the morning and my husband, when confronted said it was a one off, he'd been struggling etc. Said he'd felt suicidal etc. I helped him at the time.
Fast forward to now. No particular concerns since the last "one off" event. But I walked into the kitchen a week ago to find him with a rolling pin and a bag of powder, crushing it down. He immediately barged past me to get rid of it out of the the house and spend two hours lying about what it was. Initially tried to tell me it is was "German energy powder". He then said it was amphetamine he'd got from the dark web after feeling concerned about extreme fatigue and he was preparing it as a precaution rather than planning to take it. He was about to leave to pick up our kids from their grandparents.
I know the answer here but is there any chance he's not a complete addict who's had a problem since I caught him out the first time? I'm quietly planning a divorce. I am the bigger earner and the house is mine so it's not about assets, I just feel like a dick, especially when he is still saying these two times I caught him out were isolated incidents. I don't care about the marriage now - that's over - but how do I discredit his crap?

Women in your 50s+, would appreciate your wisdom. I’ve recently turned 40 and have been thinking about priorities for the next 10 years. I have lots of ambitions and plans (exercise more, get promotion, spend more time with children and husband, start my own business, etc.), but my time/energy is limited. What did you realise in your 50s-60s as being important to focus your energy on in your 40s? Did you miss that promotion that didn’t happen, extra money not earned from corporate job, time not spent with kids, not exercising enough?

for background - I work full time in finance (middle management), very toxic place with a lot of stress of a client facing role, not quite the field or environment I thrive in, but it does pay ok-ish money. I have 4 kids: toddler to teenager, no family around apart from husband who also works a lot.

my dream has always been to run my own company, but I’ve never had time or money to get going, still have a mortgage to pay. I still have aspirations to do it, but it also requires time and effort.

another option is to try and find a different job, though it comes with a risk of a new place being not much better than current one and new issues on top.

what would you really prioritise in this kind of set up? Would you try to put corporate role on back seat or actually put all effort in chasing a promotion? Would you leave corporate and try starting own business? What else?

My situation is stupidly complicated but here goes, please be gentle. We have had a traditional marriage, I stayed home with our DS and DD, over the years DH became a high earner working away a lot and very long hours so we only saw him on weekends - I could write a book with the endless excuses and broken promises. By late 2019 I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, caught whooping cough, Covid early 2020, then diagnosed with menopause and long covid. On top of which we were shielding for DS. I thought having DH at home 24/7 would mean he would pitch in. I could not have been more wrong.

In 2021, I barely got dressed and was so ill after covid boosters, DH did not support me, he seemed angry that long covid made be so nauseous I couldn't tolerate even the smell or thought of coffee, alcohol or food. I existed on water, milk, toast and porridge for over 3 months. Family life became fractious with screen time allowances, switching off the WIFI because DS was addicted etc. The kids would call DH at work so he would call me to reprimand me after they'd had over 4hours and still not done any homework by bedtime.

In 2022 DD (14) started hanging out with the wrong crowd and getting into weed and alcohol. She would leave the house after 10pm even though I said, no. She wouldnt answer her phone, I'd go out in the car trying to find her but she would call DH and get him to 'rescue' her. He would then stand between us - as though she needed protecting. My relationship with DD was previously very close, it then became intolerable. Her GCSE grades weren't enough to keep her place at the 6th form she'd got into. I'd always had to be the bad cop while DH became the pacifist cop, so the situation escalated to the point where we nearly lost her. DH and I could not seem to be on the same page even when we tried marriage counselling and family counselling. All of which devastated me but tried to put my usual brave face on it. Early 2022 I had a bad fall walking down a steep hill, and it was only discovered 8 months ago that the excruciating shoulder pain and loss of movement I'd been walking around with was a partially dislocated shoulder (GP, 2x physios and 2x osteopaths did not spot).

Late 2022 DH then went behind my back with DS and DD and rented a place - to help DD get to a better place and reunite the family. This was meant to be a temporary measure for 6 months but 1yr max. While DH 'fixed things' but it became like a frat house. Now I sit here nearly over 3yrs later still in this limbo of a life with him having spent 2/3rds of our savings on this rental. During this time his idea of getting the family reunited has consisted of creating drama between me and DS and DD, both of whom I have a much better relationship with now they're adults and can see through it all.

In essence after over 28yrs together I'm realising that my husband is a narcissist. He has been much worse since his father died of cancer in 2020 - when I discovered just how much FIL had infantilised DH. There have been a multitude of other issues and dramas that have dragged this out until now, mainly him endlessly putting things off.

Has anyone divorced an avoidant spouse and have any advice? I didn't want to be the bad cop anymore but waiting for him has not worked and I've reached the point of no return.

DH has bought something for the house without mentioning it to me and I am honestly a bit annoyed.

It was about £40 so its not like he's gone mad or anything but its something we absolutely did not need and I would have rather the money went towards other things tbh.

I only found out because the parcel turned up and when I asked what it was he said he'd ordered it a couple of days ago. I said I wish he'd mentioned it first and he said why, its hardly a big purchase and he doesn't ask me before buying things for himself.

I do see that point but I don't really think its the same when its something for the house? Especially when we've got other things coming up that we need to pay for.

I am not saying he needs to ask permission every time he spends money btw. If he wants to buy himself something with his own money then obviously thats different. But if its coming out of our joint account for something that is basically unnecessary then surely its reasonable to discuss it first?

He thinks I'm being controlling and making an issue out of nothing.

AIBU?

Has anyone watched this?

It's really good. Although always sounds a bit strange to say that about a real life case

I hadn't followed the case at the time so I didn't know any of the details either

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Just that really. I used to look forward to having a drink and a bite to eat in cafes, it was nice and relaxing. But no longer, some examples and you always get at least one or two now.

The expense, its getting crazy.
People on mobile phones making noise
Elderly on mobile phones with the speaker on so you can hear the other person.
Dogs
Toddlers
Keyboard warriors
Staff attitudes
Small portions / cheap ingredients
Wobbly and dirty tables
Poor toilet hygiene
Advertising screens (yes there was one in M & S today which really bright)

Anyone else the same?

How many of you hold one? And have any of you visited Ireland?

I'd say i'm a girls girl, if you call it that?
Enjoyed the company of men as friends more when younger, but had mainly female pals.
Just been for a dog walk around the neighbourhood with my family and ran into a couple around the corner. Any time we do, this woman just lights up around Dh and chats away (have seen her do this with other male neighbours too)
I've tried hard to be friendly and smiley but she's just not as friendly as with Dh and other men, laughing at his comments (he's not even that funny really 🤣) and chattering away, turning her back on me.
I don't know, maybe she just doesn't like me, which is fine, but she seems to love talking to the men, not women. I realise that sounds bitchy, I don't mean it to be, I just find it a bit annoying especially when we walk off and Dh says 'She's so nice!'
I have a feeling she maybe isn't!

Anyone had this or know what I mean?

Has anyone found such a thing? If they fit my tummy and thighs then they gape round the waist so much I could fit a small child in there with me and either have to wear a belt (adding extra lumpiness to an already lumpy area) or spend the whole day hitching them up. Happy to pay decent money for just ONE pair which fits me (although obviously would rather not pay £££). Am a size 16.

Thanks in hope!

Need urgent advice please because I don't know what to make of this and I'm incapable of keeping my emotions in! Months ago I found the back of an earring on my bed and confronted DH because I'm sure it wasn't mine, he was very convincing that there was nothing untoward going on. Naive as this may sound I don't think he's the sort that would cheat, I don't see how he'd even have the time for it (he works full time and we have 2 young DC). So I chalked it up to the cleaner/something I'd forgotten that got caught up and moved inadvertently.

This evening I have just found half a fake nail on my upstairs landing and I have no explanation of where it could have come from. I've fully panicked and managed to look through DHs phone. I didn't find anything on WhatsApp, Facebook or text messages.

I do not know what to do. I want to confront him because I'm terrible at hiding my feelings but I assume if anything IS going on he will just play it off again. What should I do? Apologies for the rushed and possibly incoherent message! x

Not a real scenario, watching eastenders, and have thought about being asked to donate something to an unknown sibling

I dunno, I dont know if I would 🤔

https://www.dunelm.com/product/emily-metal-bed-frame-1000295082?defaultSkuId=31055771&size=Small+Double+4ft&colour=Cream

Am I being unreasonable to think that the gap between the bars could present a risk to a tween/young teenager, if their head were to become stuck between them? (I haven't measured the width of the gap). Or am I unreasonably stuck in some sort of baby / toddler safe sleeping mode? Tell me if IABU. Teen likes this style.

Call me old fashioned, but isn't this sort of thing likely to provoke a run on toilet rolls? Couldnt find any other threads on it, but I think there is a "preppers" topic on here somewhere. In any case, what do you think? I'm sort of concerned, should I be? Or has this gone under the radar?

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2026/aug/25/uk-to-warn-citizens-to-stock-up-on-food-amid-threat-from-climate-crisis-and-hostile-states

Is this too much to wear to the office? I wore it with a belt so wondering if I was over dressed?

I usually wear my Docs with a short skirt and tights but would like to wear them with dresses too this autumn/winter - any suggestions as to the best style? If it's relevant, I'm mid 50s and short.

Hi everyone, how can I improve the condition of my saggy and wrinkled neck? It looks a lot older than everything else on me! Is it neck lift or nothing?

Sorry about the weird photo, but wanted to remove identifying bits and pieces!
Thank you

Long story short DH and I have been married 6 years and have 2 very young dc.
About 3 years ago I snooped and found sexual messages to a woman. I confronted him and he admitted it was an old flame and it was just a couple days of messaging, he was sorry etc. we’d been going through a short separation completely unrelated to cheating and we’d just got back together, so I couldn’t understand why he wound message her while he was reconciling. However I’ve never gotten over it and it’s spiralling out of control. I can’t bring myself to ever check his phone again, I’m so frightened. It’s made me deeply insecure, I even check the woman’s Facebook and torture myself. I get paranoid, like tonight his phone is on flight mode - It’s left out and I took it off flight mode just to see if anything popped up. I cannot live like this anymore. I feel like I am going crazy, I don’t know wether I am severely paranoid from this or he’s up to something all the time. There’s no talking to him either, I’ve tried and his answer is it’s been years and to get over it. Why can’t I seem to move on?

I live in a 4 in a block. I'm top floor and my garden (private) is the one shown on the left of the photo, surrounded by the fence. Neighbour is beneath and the window shown is her bedroom window. Both fences are mine, previous owner paid for them and for them to be erected.

I get on well enough with downstairs neighbour however the issue is that every time I go out to the garden, she comes out and chats, for a good half hour. She's elderly and I get that she just wants to chat, I have no problem with a short chat now and then, but last time I was out there, I had a whole day free when DC was at their dads and so wanted to get cracking on the garden, she came out 5 separate times, 3 times to chat for ages and will sometimes stand watching me from her bedroom window, which is a little awkward.

I'm not sure if it would be unreaonable of me to heighten the fence a little to give me privacy? I don't want to completely block her light, just her view into my garden! I was thinking of popping a trellis on top, so that light still gets through. Maybe pop some climbing flowers on it. The taller fence that can be seen is 6ft tall, i was thinking of matching the trellis height to this. Local planning permission dictates 6ft 6 inches is the limit that you can have fences, so I don't think I would be breaking any local laws. I'm sure she will complain as she's quite fixed on how she thinks things should be, so I'm not sure if it's unreasonable of me to do this?

I realise this is probably a very naive question but I have just come back from a hol in France. We visited a mix of touristy and some very non touristy towns - in all of them the high street was thriving.

Lots of independent shops, alongside chains and cafes busy streets. There were also big out of town hypermarches too but they didn’t seem obviously to impact the town centres. Hardly any of the vape shop, nail bars and boarded up charity shops in our town centres.

My question is what are the French doing to achieve this that we are not? Are there tax incentives of some kind, if so, how does
the French gov afford it and why couldn’t we adopt at least some of this model for the UK?

Not sure what I am asking, perhaps some perspective…

I have always been a conservative dresser with my own style, I like Reiss / VB / Mango sleek minimalism with occasional dab into 70s vibe for smart wear. Still wearing heels for work, especially on the flares day 🙈

I went from one or two days in the office to full week in July, so bought a few more items. It’s very cold in the office (long story) and it’s modest dressing dress code. Everyone looks smart but not fashion forward. I have neutral 3 blazers and 4 trousers that I mix and match, jeans sometimes. I prefer short sleeve shell tops / whitest shirts under blazers to push the sleeves up, so my sassy silk blouses are now for weekend, it’s too cold for blouses only.

I came to feel bored of what feels like wearing the same thing, those 3 damn blazers. I don’t feel smart in knitwear, so don’t wear cardigans or jumpers at work.

What should I do, buy more blazers, perhaps experiment with colours, textures, shapes? Will they still feel like wearing the same thing? I like the concept of uniform, less decision making on what to wear but also feel like I am a bit resentful of repetitive dressing.

Just wondering how much variety others have in work dressing and if you try to buy the best you can afford, how much workwear do you have? Do you accessorise more for variety? It should not matter, work is just work, but it’s long hours and makes you feel good to enjoy what you are wearing…

Yet another new thread for more Sussex shenanigans!

Thought it might be interesting to chat about how people are using AI….

I am encouraged to use a specific AI programme at work that is specific to my sector, but I find it to be quite inaccurate and I haven’t found a way to use it that I am confident with.

I used Chat GPE to make our holiday itinerary into quite a cool poster and I’ve just asked Claude to build an itinerary for our Xmas holiday - the first attempt is pretty much the same as the itinerary it took me about 2 weeks to come up with.

Interested to know how others are using AI and what works/doesn’t work?

I appreciate it’s going to be different for everyone, but I have no idea of the approx cost of the treatment, and how long it might take.

I’m thinking of sorting out my teeth, but have no idea if it is achievable financially for me.

would anyone care to share how much your treatment cost and how long it took?

thanks very much