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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

876 replies

Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 08:47

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

OP posts:
AmethystDeceiver · 13/05/2026 08:50

I don't think you're unreasonable OP, it isn't what I'd want either. You can leave a marriage you're not happy in, you don't need to wait for something to 'happen'

Thefrenchconnection1 · 13/05/2026 08:50

Comparison is the thief of joy.
What do you actually think without comparing.

Tommalot · 13/05/2026 08:52

You married for money and now regret it; it's a tale as old as time. Saying that, there are women who would kill to be a SAHM in a wealthy household.

Would you divorce him? What might your life look like if you did?

Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 08:53

Tommalot · 13/05/2026 08:52

You married for money and now regret it; it's a tale as old as time. Saying that, there are women who would kill to be a SAHM in a wealthy household.

Would you divorce him? What might your life look like if you did?

I didn’t ma

OP posts:
Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 08:54

Tommalot · 13/05/2026 08:52

You married for money and now regret it; it's a tale as old as time. Saying that, there are women who would kill to be a SAHM in a wealthy household.

Would you divorce him? What might your life look like if you did?

I didn’t marry him for money.
I genuinely thought that what we had was perfect. I guess I was young and naive.

OP posts:
DalmationalAnthem · 13/05/2026 08:54

You've got about another 5 or 6 decades of life, what do you want to do with it?

Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 08:54

AmethystDeceiver · 13/05/2026 08:50

I don't think you're unreasonable OP, it isn't what I'd want either. You can leave a marriage you're not happy in, you don't need to wait for something to 'happen'

The kids would be gutted to not see him everyday. I don’t want to take that away from them.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 13/05/2026 08:54

You must still be in your early 30s so you have a lot of life ahead of you.

It’s a really complicated set of circumstances but it feels like the real issue is your relationship. Is he unhappy too?

FatterthanBarbie · 13/05/2026 08:55

Whats your relationship like day to day? Do you talk, chill out watching TV, send quality time together? Are you living separate lives? Speak to him about your concerns and work on your relationship. What was it before you had kids that things were going sour?

Aso being a sahm, you can feel a bit lost tbf. Do something for yourself , a hobby, a club, volunteer, a weekend away on your own, etc I think that will help with your sense of self.

Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 08:55

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 13/05/2026 08:54

You must still be in your early 30s so you have a lot of life ahead of you.

It’s a really complicated set of circumstances but it feels like the real issue is your relationship. Is he unhappy too?

I think so. I don’t think we would be together if we hadn’t had children together. In fact, I know we wouldn’t be.

OP posts:
SoManyTshirts · 13/05/2026 08:57

Think about the career or life you want when the children are at school and start planning towards it. It sounds as though you’re able to afford support at home, perhaps a voluntary or artistic path? I’d concentrate on self-development and see if attraction returns naturally - three under 6 is a lot.

Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 08:57

FatterthanBarbie · 13/05/2026 08:55

Whats your relationship like day to day? Do you talk, chill out watching TV, send quality time together? Are you living separate lives? Speak to him about your concerns and work on your relationship. What was it before you had kids that things were going sour?

Aso being a sahm, you can feel a bit lost tbf. Do something for yourself , a hobby, a club, volunteer, a weekend away on your own, etc I think that will help with your sense of self.

Day to day, it’s fine. We watch tv together, chat etc. But there is nothing much deeper than that.

By sour, I mean that I think we both realised that we were quite different.

OP posts:
SpideySensesbroken · 13/05/2026 08:58

What attracted you to him?

Itsanewlife · 13/05/2026 08:58

I guess you fell for the trappings of success (rather than money) - but if you had had time to grow and experiment a bit, you would have realized you could have had that success yourself rather than riding on your partner's coat tails. In any case, it is what it is, worth going to therapy to untangle your dissatisfaction with your own career trajectory, with the unhappiness with your relationship. Breaking up with three kids under 6 isn't going to make a career easier for sure.

rubyslippers · 13/05/2026 08:59

Get back into the job market
you have funds so find a nanny - even if part time for now
sort your employment out and get out of the marriage
you are early 30’s with earning potential and assets from any separation
just do it - you can leave a marriage for any reason

Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 08:59

DalmationalAnthem · 13/05/2026 08:54

You've got about another 5 or 6 decades of life, what do you want to do with it?

That’s the thing - I have no idea. I wish I had continued on the trajectory that I was on - I would have been earning incredibly well myself by now if I had in a respectable career. But that just isn’t an option for me anymore.

I know what I wish I had done, but I don’t know what to do going forwards with the circumstances I’m in.

OP posts:
StrictlyCoffee · 13/05/2026 08:59

Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 08:54

The kids would be gutted to not see him everyday. I don’t want to take that away from them.

Show quote history

They’ll adapt, they’re hardly the only children who have parents who split up.

Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 09:01

Itsanewlife · 13/05/2026 08:58

I guess you fell for the trappings of success (rather than money) - but if you had had time to grow and experiment a bit, you would have realized you could have had that success yourself rather than riding on your partner's coat tails. In any case, it is what it is, worth going to therapy to untangle your dissatisfaction with your own career trajectory, with the unhappiness with your relationship. Breaking up with three kids under 6 isn't going to make a career easier for sure.

Yes I think so. I think I was whisked off of my feet with all of these amazing experiences that I’d never had before. And probably tied that to the person who was allowing me to experience them - but I could have been doing those things myself a couple of years down the line.

OP posts:
summersolsticesoon · 13/05/2026 09:02

You sound unfulfilled, can you set up
a business? Become a trustee for
a charity? volunteer with a charity ? Make a life outside the home just for you. Practice gratification for all that is good in your life. Take time to think about how you would like life to be in 10 years time when your children are teenagers.

Thundertoast · 13/05/2026 09:02

I think you need to be honest with yourself here... how can he be a great dad if he's not hands on? Do you just mean he's nice to the kids and they love him? What im trying to get at is, doesnt sound like much would actually change for the kids in terms of contact with him if you divorced. Sorry to be cold about it. But you say you rarely see each other then that the kids will be gutted not to see him every day. Is he seeing them for an hour before bedtime? Honestly, your children might be short term upset but no child is irreparably damaged for not seeing a dad who doesnt actually even do much parenting every day. At the moment you are seeing it as your life vs their happiness, but while there will be short term upset, they will have lots of happiness in their lives, just might look different to how it is now.

Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 09:02

SpideySensesbroken · 13/05/2026 08:58

What attracted you to him?

He is very good looking. We had a similar sense of humour. Like the same things. We had work in common. We had fun together.

OP posts:
StrictlyCoffee · 13/05/2026 09:03

And I don’t know what you’ll do but there’s a halfway house between stellar non child friendly job and SAHM that I and millions of others manage to navigate and find financially and professionally fulfilling. You do sound quite materialistic, your head was turned by your husband and his money and your talk about friends “achieving together”. I don’t mean that as a negative, material things are nice! But its clearly important to you, just trying to say you can still have a nice life without being with the wrong man

summersolsticesoon · 13/05/2026 09:05

So roughly 47 and 31
in 10
years time your eldest will be 16 and you will
be 57 and 41

IgnoreIt · 13/05/2026 09:06

Thundertoast · 13/05/2026 09:02

I think you need to be honest with yourself here... how can he be a great dad if he's not hands on? Do you just mean he's nice to the kids and they love him? What im trying to get at is, doesnt sound like much would actually change for the kids in terms of contact with him if you divorced. Sorry to be cold about it. But you say you rarely see each other then that the kids will be gutted not to see him every day. Is he seeing them for an hour before bedtime? Honestly, your children might be short term upset but no child is irreparably damaged for not seeing a dad who doesnt actually even do much parenting every day. At the moment you are seeing it as your life vs their happiness, but while there will be short term upset, they will have lots of happiness in their lives, just might look different to how it is now.

This. You have choices, OP. You don’t need to spend the rest of your life living with the consequences of having made a stupid decision in your early 20s.

Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 09:06

StrictlyCoffee · 13/05/2026 09:03

And I don’t know what you’ll do but there’s a halfway house between stellar non child friendly job and SAHM that I and millions of others manage to navigate and find financially and professionally fulfilling. You do sound quite materialistic, your head was turned by your husband and his money and your talk about friends “achieving together”. I don’t mean that as a negative, material things are nice! But its clearly important to you, just trying to say you can still have a nice life without being with the wrong man

I would have to disagree. I definitely enjoyed all of the lovely trips and gifts.
But now that I’m older and we have children, I’m not fussed in the slightest about keeping up with the Jones’s. DH still is though and it’s one of the things I dislike about him now.

OP posts: