Don't understand 100% joint finances

[Lorendo]

I know I'll get flamed for this but I don't get it when couples only have joint finances and nothing separate.

Me and DH have a joint account to cover joint expenses (house, cars childcare) etc. We each put same in each month as earn similar.

We also have joint saving pots for certain things where we put certain amount into eg holiday, emergency fund, kids stuff.

That's it. Anything left stays in our separate personal accounts for whatever we please.

This seems like a logical way to do it. All joint obligations are sorted together but we still retain independence with what's left.

A friend of mine only does joint. She only works part time so a different situation to us but husband monitors every penny in and out. If she buys something he doesn't agree with or that she didn't clear with him first, he brings it up.

I told her my arrangement and she just said 'yes well we like to manage all the money together, as a team'. Right ok, sounds more like financial abuse than team work but hey ho

We do 100% joint finances it works perfectly fine because neither of us is financially abusing the other.

But they aren't the only two options - retaining separate money or being controlling over joint finances. All our money is shared but we both trust each other to spend reasonably and to talk about big purchases before making them. It's been working well for us for 13 years.

The issue with your friend is financial abuse. Not joint finances.

ours is 100% shared and always has been, I was a SAHM for years and the idea that we wouldn’t have equal access to the household income feels wrong to me.

I don't think it's joint finances that are the problem in your friend's case. I think it's the dickhead husband.

You have more ‘joint’ finances than me and my husband do in terms of ‘accounts’. The mortgage is paid off now but previously he paid the mortgage and I paid all the bills. He tended to pay for all holidays.

Now, I pay for all bills still and he pays for anything to do with the car, all holidays, meals out and dinner money and pocket money for our son. Everything else is our own.

We the same as you. Probably more separate- I pay for some things and he for others. Don’t really check how much each. The money left is mine and I do what I like with it. Worked for us for 25 years. I would feel insecure combining everything all the time. I like having a bit of financial freedom without question.

We have everything together. No one monitors anything, other than trying to make sure there is enough money in each of the accounts all the time.

When we were short of money I managed it. But dh still bought whatever he wanted, just checked with me beforehand to see whether we could afford it at that point, if not we waited until we could.

I'd be fine to have separate accounts, but dh was never keen. He asked me what my requirements were to keep joint accounts, I told him and he has by and large abided by them.

Also your friend's partner would clearly be just as controlling if they did it 'your way' - unlike you they don't earn the same so there would need to be a decision about what proportion of bills and spending money they each had, and I suspect he wouldn't be reasonable about it. The problem is that he sees it as his money, not how they manage it in terms of accounts.

We have 100% joint but we each have a credit card that the other one could have a card on but doesn't. We pay them both from the joint account. I use mine to buy DH presents (I assume he does the same) so it's a suprise.

Yes, I think it’s bonkers too. I would hate having to check with Dh before making purchases. If I want to book a weekend away or the other day I had a £500 vet bill for my horse. 🫣 I know what I have in my account. I know what my anticipated expenses are for the rest of the month. I don’t want to have to think about if Dh is planning to use that same £500 to buy a new bike or whatever. I’d also be twitchy feeling like one of us was spending more than the other.

As it is now, we pay into our joint account so that we have an equitable amount of our own money. Neither of us knows or cares what the other spends that on because it doesn’t impact us at all.

So what you actually mean is that your friend is married to a controlling, possibly financially abusive twat. Not sure why you’ve extrapolated that scenario to make a general statement.

We have been married for 25 years and only have joint finances, as we felt that marriage was basically an agreement to pool everything. My feeling is: So you have separate finances, one of you loses your job or gets ill. Are you going to hoard your separate money and say, I'm alright Jack, tough luck on you? I don't think so. Which means you actually have joint finances, so might as well acknowledge that and operate as such.

It works for us. DH earns 6 x more than me as I do the vast majority of care for our disabled child so scaled back my career, and it all goes in one pot. Neither of us financially abuses the other, neither of us monitors every penny, neither of us has to clear things with the other first.

We have joint finances. Never an issue. Yes my husband might grumble if he spots I have bought another pair of trainers when he says I have a few pairs already for example, but neither of us questions each others spends or buys expensive items as we know we wouldn't be able to afford it.
Big cost items like holidays are jointly discussed before.

We do everything into joint account and equal personal amounts transferred back to individual accounts. Personal only really covers gifts to each other and trips away with our own friends. Everything else is from the joint account.

We’ve been together for 20 years and always managed our money this way. There were times when I was the high earner, times when I didn’t work at all, times when I was on mat leave and times when we’ve both worked and he’s the higher earner. It doesn’t matter; it’s all family money

We’ve always had joint accounts and we don’t question each other’s spending. Any big purchases are discussed but that’s it.
I agree though in your friend’s case it is financially abuse

This is it. If you’re not financially abusive, it works fine. If your spouse is financially abusive, then you’re fucked. When I left my ex, I didn’t even have money to buy pants, and I had been earning the average UK salary. So ashamed I let the abuse go on for so long, but I was so desperate to prove I was still worthy of being part of a family.

Joint finances aren’t her problem.
Being married to a controlling arse is her issue here.
Im pretty surprised you can’t see that tbh

But what if you hadn't had the £500 for the vet bill at that point in time? Would your DH have paid it? Lent to you?

We have completely joint finances. It’s a good job really as I am reliant on him due to not working because of long term illness. Even when I was still able to work we had everything completely joint too.

We’re on the same page financially, whereas your friend just sounds like she’s marries an arsehole.

Our finances are joint, we have always been paid into the joint account, then transferred out bills, savings, household expenditure etc to the relevant accounts and personal spending to our personal accounts. It's basically the same set up just a different way round. Means it doesn't matter who earns more, we've both got access to the same amount of money. I fail to see what's complicated and/or abusive about that?

Edited to add: the problem is that your friends husband is an arse

Completely joint here. It works for us. I earn less than DH but I don't have to check with him before buying anything.

100% joint finances works for us and has done for nearly 25 years, but if one of us was a shopaholic or an obsessive control freak, there would be problems. The best way to do things will vary by couple, and if one or both of them has issues with money, none of 'the ways' may be good, unfortunately.

So Interesting learning about other couples’ finances. We have joint everything & never even considered separate accounts; it’s worked for us for 20 years. Salaries are similar, we’re debt free & fortunate enough to be able to meet all obligations. Obviously large purchases are discussed but as we are we’re sensible spenders anyway, it’s all manageable.
(Honestly, the idea of separate accounts is anathema to me - guess I’m a bit old fashioned!)

I don't really understand split finances when you're married. Just makes no sense to me at all. If we got divorced everything would be split equally so why not live as financial equals?

As lots of others have pointed out, the situation with your friend is a result of financial abuse, not as a result of shared finances.