Husband wants to split up and I have been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.

Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.

I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.

We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.

Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit And wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.

He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.

I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?

Thank you

I’m sorry OP, I would prepare yourself for the fact there is almost certainly another woman waiting in the wings here.

He’s got another woman and wants to deflect on to you
we all say things in the heat of the moment
how bad has your temper been honestly?
however, the fact he has flipped, won’t discuss / do therapy means he’s mentally checked out and most likely has someone else
so sorry

This sounds like The Script.

I'm so sorry @mummy917

I’m sorry you have such as shock but I think it’ll probably be easier for you in the long run.
As you’re renting, find out if you are able to claim any benefits the CAB and online calculators are good.
You might want to move out and find another house to live in with the children if he doesn’t want to leave yet but you need to take advice so you are not liable for rent on both.

My temper isn’t “bad” in all honesty. I’ve said things like I feel I have an extra child at times because trying to get him out of bed is like having a teenager and that he’s actively missing out on time with the kids to stay in bed. It’s infuriating.

I’ve never gotten the gut feeling of someone else being involved but the fleeting thought has crossed my mind from time to time. He spends at least 3 nights a week out of the house at the gym or watching football at his friend’s house.

I feel lost and scared, especially having to sit down and explain to our children that we will be separating.

What is The Script? Although from others’ replies, I have a feeling what it may be.

Doesn't sound like you'll miss him much pack him a bag and say adiós motherfucker

I'm so sorry this is happening OP, but I would bet my house that there's another woman involved.

It sounds as though you'd be better off without him anyway, not much of a catch is he.

I’m sorry you’re going through this @mummy917

It does sound like “The Script” where they start by re-writhing history, and he’s bringing things up from 10 years ago! He had chance to raise that then for goodness sake. It hasn’t been as bad as he’s making out or he’d have given up before now.

You’ll get an AMAZING level of advice and support here on this board and also the Relationships one. I know it’s hard to believe now and it’s all very raw but you will get through this and be ok, the future will not always seem so awful to comprehend.

Let him go as you deserve so much better. In fact make him go, Put him out and let his new woman put up with the lazy useless lump.

It might not be the script of another woman, my ex and I broke up just under 2 years ago. Lots of issues but mostly similar to you, checked out if parenting responsibilities, no drive to want to parent and then blame kids things on me. Complaining of lack of sex and intimacy but not doing anything to help with mental load, household chores, bedtimes, etc.

IME these guys are selfish big kids who have no understanding that small children often results in monotonous routines and to combat that the couple has to work as a team.

mine is still shit, barely sees them and hardly helps financially but still
brings up the past.

it’s a really hard time but it gets easier

He's making his terms clear, OP.

You have to shut up, stop complaining, stop expecting anything of him, stop wanting him to act like your partner, otherwise he'll leave.

But he's not going to leave, because the point is more to break your spirit. He wants you to beg for him to stay and promise you'll be perfect from now on.

I would kick him the fuck out. What's the situation with housing? He's been threatening to go, so tell him it's time. Get a friend or family member to be there when you tell him to leave. Or can you and the kids go elsewhere, even temporarily?

Do you want to stay in the current rental going forward? If not, looking for a place to move you and the children might make this process faster.

when a marriage implodes, it is rare that both people don’t have some responsibility. You are obviously taking that to heart. It is important to remember though that each person has their own motivations.

The poster above who mentioned this may just be a technique to get you to stop asking him to be a responsible parent may be on to something. If that is what is going on, don’t give in. You will be better off with a split. Running your own household will be hard, but you won’t feel constant resentment.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm currently going through something very similar so feel free to DM if you ever need to chat to someone

Given what you’ve just written I’d put 10p on it being another man. Before you scoff, it happened to me, so it’s not beyond the realms of possibility.

@mummy917 do you realise this thread is up twice? You can ask MNHQ to take down the other one (which has fewer responses on it, so far)

I’ve been through exactly this. He had an affair and in order to justify his own behaviour he absolutely demonised me to everyone that I’m controlling.
same as you, he was heavily involved in football and had far more free time than me. Whenever I asked for time he’d say he needed it for his mental health and that I cope better with less sleep and our two children.
one time our son had had croup and was on steroids, after no sleep for two nights I asked him to miss football and he shouted at me to fuck off and stop being controlling.
like you anytime I’d ask him to do things with me if he had time it was controlling.
he would tell people that he couldn’t even buy a sandwich at work, but reality was it was him using the bills account and me texting him to put the money back so direct debits don’t bounce.
i strongly feel like there are so many emotionally immature men that would rather blame women than confront their own behaviour and choices.
needless to say, I’m happier as a person with him gone, just wish I never had to see him again but being labelled as controlling has massively impacted me though.
just wanted to say you’re not the first to deal with this and don’t let him deflect away from him being the issue

There is either another woman or this whole song and dance is to put you back in your place so he can continue being a useless fuck. I'd send him on his way happily and take the two weekends off a month, personally.

So basically, your entire relationship he has been shit - not pulling his weight, not being supportive, being out at night whiel you're at home with the DC etc etc - and he is very very resentful that you have lost your temper and pulled him up on this behaviour.

And so now he wants out. I agree with everyone else, he's got someone else lined up. Because basically, he never wanted to be an equal partner by the sounds of things. I bet YOU don't get to go out very often while he stays home and sorts kids? Seems unlikely if he can't even get out of bed now and again to actually step up and help parent when he IS home.

call his bluff. Now that youre nore together anymore, obviously, caring for kids needs to be 50:50 so you'll be out 3-4 nights a week and he cna sort eveything out. Once he moves out, then of course, you're happy to review the situation.

Sometimes I hate men.

THIS THREAD explains about The Script.

It happened to me, too.

There’s definitely someone else, sorry love.

He’s out of the house at least three nights a week with friends? When does he do his share of the parenting?

I’m really sorry, op, it sounds as though he’s checked out.

While you’re both still living in the same house, he should be doing half the parenting.

Good luck.