10 telltale signs you have a toddler

toddler on slide

We never liked being clean, calm and collected anyway… Mumsnetters share the defining traits of toddler parenting.

1. Glamour's out, practicality's in

backpack

“I own backpacks, not handbags.”

2. You speak to other adults as if they're three

unacceptable behaviour

“The other day I told my husband to 'sit down on your chair on your bottom'.”

3. Delirium sometimes sets in

absurd

“I found myself sitting on the toilet, undressing Bogdan the Meerkat, saying: 'Bring me Oleg, I'll undress him next!'.”

4. Oh, crumbs

crumbs

“Every bag I own has a layer of raisins and finely ground breadsticks in the bottom of it.”

5. Your democratic principles become more flexible

bribery

“I used to think that bribery was the preserve of corrupt tinpot dictators; now it's an acceptable way to buy three minutes in the shower by myself.”

6. For fu…dge's sake

swearing

“I use creative non-swearing instead of real swearing.”

7. The 'gross threshold' has shifted

blowing nose

“I find it acceptable to wipe bodily fluids off another person with my bare hands.”

8. No question is too niche

niche question

“I've googled what noise giraffes make.”

9. You're on high alert. All. The. Time.

high alert

“I assume the screaming child I can hear is mine, even when he's not with me.”

10. But snatched moments of peace are gold

car peace quiet

“I happily drive an extra half an hour just for the peace that the car brings.”