Anna Williamson: "Tech is a resource to help children learn and grow. But, like everything, it's about balance and understanding"

The Great British Phone Switch depicts a fascinating new lifestyle experiment between children and their parents. Four parents switch digital lives with their children for 48 hours, in the aim to bring their families closer as they navigate the transition from teen to adult. 

According to an Ofcom report, by the age of 11, 91% of children own their own mobile phone, which can leave many parents feeling left behind. The Great British Phone Switch explores how tech is shaping modern family life, what happens when we make an effort to understand the digital shoes of the other and how, ultimately, we can reconnect and grow closer.

Here, I explore five key challenges phones create for families, and how parents can navigate them. 

1. Setting rules through negotiation 

Parents often default into a ‘tell’ or disciplinary approach when it comes to tech, but I suggest parents move to a more curious and ‘ask-not-tell’ style. This basically means we as parents should refrain from being judgemental about our children’s digital habits, and seek to collaborate with them when it comes to negotiating the rules. 

Ask your child what the app or game is that they want to play, and why. Try to understand their intentions by literally asking them the question: "What is it about X game or app that you like? What does it do for you?" We may often find the answer surprising and more valuable than we thought, such as: "It makes me feel creative," "It makes me feel connected," "It makes me feel relaxed" or "It makes me feel mentally stimulated."

It is then up to you to decide which apps, websites and games you feel comfortable with your child using. I believe our key job as parents is to keep our children safe, so once you have an understanding of what they want to use and why, we’re better able to judge what we’re happy with them accessing and can build the rules from there.

2. Managing the boundaries after setting them

In my experience, children will typically find it easier to accept a decision they don’t like when they understand the reason why. Saying "I said so" just doesn’t cut it.

My eight-year-old son and I recently experienced this challenge when he came to me wanting to play Roblox. It’s an extremely popular game, but also very controversial due to the rather shaky regulations and protections it has for young players. I looked into the game, and decided it wasn’t one I felt comfortable with him using at his age. When I shared this decision with him, he was terribly upset and disappointed. 

When this happened, I explained to my son clearly and in age-appropriate language the reasons why he couldn’t play Roblox. Something like, “Part of my job as your mum is to keep you safe, and I don’t trust every Roblox user has the best intentions or that you’d be able to know the difference if you were approached by someone who had bad intentions.”

My son then explained to me that not playing Roblox was leaving him feeling left out from his peers. They are all allowed to play the game and so it became a social reference point. I understood this as a valid point, and so we came to a compromise. He is allowed one hour of screen time every day, and it’s up to him to decide how he utilises that, within the boundaries we’ve set together. If he wants to play Roblox, he has to ask me or Dad, and if we say yes, one of us has to be near him while he plays so we can make sure he’s playing safely. 

I can’t say he likes the decision, but he understands why, and it helps. Similarly, if he wants to play a new game or access something new online, he has to ask and show us first so we can make sure it’s parent-approved. 

3. Tech and its powerful effects

Something I would like to also say about tech is that it is really powerful! Social media and online games have been designed to steal our attention and give us dopamine hits. When our children have meltdowns or tantrums around tech and boundaries, which mine of course do too (you’re not alone), I find it helpful to remember that tech can cause real withdrawal symptoms in children. Meltdowns aren’t ‘their fault’ - they can be due to a crash after intense stimulation. 

When tantrums happen, hold the boundary. Stay calm, name the emotion and validate their experience. You could say something like, “I know you’re upset because screen time is over, and you know that the rule is one hour and you have reached that now. Once you’ve calmed down, we can go and do x y z activity.”

4. Screen-time limits and ditching the guilt

Everyone has their own reality to deal with. Screens are undeniably a helpful tool, and can often be the thing that holds us together after a busy day juggling everything. My main message is: it’s up to you what screen time limit you set for your child, and you don’t need to feel guilty if sometimes your child goes over that. You are doing your best.

In an ideal world, half an hour or an hour of screen time is best for young children. When they get to the age of 10, it’s usual for that to be increased by an hour, for example.  I would encourage any limit to have balance. Encourage your child to utilise tech to its different advantages, from stimulating logic and brain function to creativity. 

Tech is a resource to help children learn and grow, and is a fundamental part of modern life. There are plenty of brilliant career paths based around tech and social media, so there is value in allowing them to practice using devices. But, like everything, it’s about balance and understanding. 

5. The hot question: when should our children get a phone?

This is so hotly debated and, I hate to say it, there is no perfect answer. My children are all under the age of eight and none of them have phones. They have iPads though, with all the child-restrictions turned ON.

There are some experts who think that children shouldn’t have access to tech/social media until the age of 16. Though I can see the value in that, I don’t see it as being very realistic within the bounds of current regulation and policy.

The typical habit I see for parents is to accept the unrelenting ask for a phone when their child reaches secondary school - so age 11, or year 7. This makes sense to me as it's when they begin to have more independence, possibly taking the school bus on their own or walking to school. Something good to know is that there are phones on the market that restrict a lot of use, making it more akin to a brick phone for just calling and texting.

It’s up to you how you work it with your child - you know them best. Schools are also helping in many cases by introducing ‘No Phone Zones’ and phone lockers during lessons. I love some of the notices we receive from my child’s school, breaking down the latest digital lingo so we understand what our children are saying to each other (I’m sure you could find this via a Google search too).

My key point here is, if they do have a phone, think of it like a car. You wouldn’t let your 17-year-old drive a car around without careful instruction and lessons first. So try to lean in to teaching your child how to use their phone safely - and the best way to do this is by understanding how, why and what they use it for. 

About the author

Anna Williamson is a Relationship Expert and Channel 4’s Celebs Go Dating Agent - the new series (14th season) launches this summer. She’s also trained counsellor, therapist and Master NLP practitioner and Psychotherapist with CBT. Stream Channel 4’s and Tesco Mobile’s The Great British Phone Switch, available now on Channel 4: https://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-great-british-phone-switch.