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Original poster

How many of you returned to work after your 1st child thinking you could have it all, then realised the truth and...

163 replies

artichokes · 14/09/2007 21:32

...expedited getting pregnant again just so you could stop working?

I ask on 9.30pm on a Friday night as I finish catching-up on the work I could not finish this week because I had to pick DD up on time. Once I have finished with this thread I will go and pack my bag for my Sunday morning business flight that will take me away from my daughter for a week.

I never realised how hard juggeling work and family would be. DH and I have been discussing it all week and instead of leaving a three year gap we are going to try for a baby ASAP so that I can be at home again. If we are lucky enough to conceive I will take a career break after my maternity leave.

I know three others who are rushing their next pregnancies because working is too hard. Are there more out there?

OP posts:
walbert · 14/09/2007 21:35

Haven't gone back to work yet but dh wants another baybee now so as soon as I step through door after first day at work you mumsnetters acbn rest safe in the knowledge that there will be some copulating occuring!! Shall we start a 'We hate work, we want to get preggers, how's everyone doing thread?

Twiglett · 14/09/2007 21:36

went back when ds was 6 months, left when he was 17 months, haven't been out to work since .. he is now 6.7 and DD is 3.5

UCM · 14/09/2007 21:38

I have just returned full time after my 2nd child (8months). I am phoning my DS (nearly 4) from work several times a day, just to hear his voice. I am not sure whether it's going to break me or not yet. I am sure I never felt this bad the first time around.

TheDuchess · 14/09/2007 21:39

Yep, join the club!

Currently trying to conceive number 2 after 2 weeks back in work with a ten month old!

TheMadHouse · 14/09/2007 21:42

I did not even manage to get back to work. 15 month gap so went from 1st AML to 2nd OML and am currently on OML again!!!!!!!!!

MadLabOwner · 14/09/2007 21:44

Thank you ladies I do feel better for having read this. Today was my last day at work (not that I have been there for the last year!) and I am now officially unemployed. It was entirely my choice not to go back to work, and DH has been terribly supportive of the necessary downsizing etc...but I did have a pang today when I realised I didn't have a job or career any more......and now I feel better. I remember now what work was like and am very glad to be at home.

bookthief · 14/09/2007 21:46

I'm not even back yet, but my boss is putting quite a bit of pressure on me to agree to come back full time after working 3 day/week for a year. I feel a bit dishonest about it but part of me is thinking hmmm, could aim to be on mat leave again after being back full time for a bit = more mat pay... and then go back to part time again

Best laid plans though. We're due a big reorganisation so who knows if I'll even have a job then.

Judy1234 · 14/09/2007 21:46

Well yes, some people who can't cope with work wimp out and make babies instead, not an option most men are given. Being home can be the solution if people aren't very good at their work or fed up with it.

But most working women do a very good job and are happy to work and have children.

walbert · 14/09/2007 21:47

Ok, who has 'big' proper jobs, and who (like me has plebby banky jobs? Does this affect your decision too?

UCM · 14/09/2007 21:48

That was short Xenia

bookthief · 14/09/2007 21:48

walbert, I think the proportion of income to childcare costs has quite a bit to do with it (in my case anyway).

TheMadHouse · 14/09/2007 21:51

Oh I was just a pleb that erns more than DH. We thought that the children and mw would benefit from having mummy around for a while .

I can take a career break and return later once I have finnished my job of looking after my kids.

MadLabOwner · 14/09/2007 21:52

Erm, I had a biggish job I suppose, lots of responsibility, managed 10 people, running securitisations and managing cashflows. Not the sort of job you could leave at 5pm to go and collect your child really, would have had no clients left the next day. Perfect job for the childfree. Still going spare if anyone wants it?

Original poster
artichokes · 14/09/2007 21:53

"We hate work, we want to get preggers, how's everyone doing thread" sounds good to me Walbert. I am paranoid it will take ages this time and I REALLY want to get out of this life soon.

Xenia - It is nothing to do with not being very good at my job. Before DD my career was everything and I was very good. Maybe if I were less good at my job, less driven to get everything right, then I would be more able to juggle work and motherhood because I would not mind cutting a few corners. I disagree that "most working women" are happy. I know of just one successful, happy mother in my workplace.

OP posts:
walbert · 14/09/2007 21:53

Inour case i've got to go back just to scrape any pennies together. I've only got so many shoes i can sell (now starts eying up dh after reading life policies.... hmmm )

MadLabOwner · 14/09/2007 21:55

Artichokes - I know only one woman as well who is happy in her career - but her husband is at home looking after their 2 children.

Pinkveto · 14/09/2007 21:59

I am sat struggling to update my CV to apply for "flexible" working(for that read very very inflexible, total pain in the arse working). Well, Im not because Im posting on here...

My DH wants children close together. My LO is 7 months now, I go back in 7 weeks.

I found the first 6 months incredibly hard, and have damaged my relationship with my husband as a consequence.

But yes, even before going back, even with a less glossy relationship, even with a baby that until last week was feeding twice a night still, I want to get pregnant again soon.

Feel a bit bad about it, but I feel much better now that Ive seen this thread.

Psychobabble · 14/09/2007 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2007 22:01

I only went back because I had to.

hotmama · 14/09/2007 22:04

Xenia can be very short in her responses - you get used to it!

I was also pregnant with dd2 when I went back to work after dd1 (16 months between them - dd2 was a bit of a surprise ) So I was only back at work for 5 months before having another year off - yay!

Been back at work for 9 months and am thinking of number 3.

Thing is, I love my "proper" job (whatever that means) but I also want to spend time with my lo's - otherwise what is the point in having them.

Yep, they go to a fabulous nursery and I took a year off with both, I work fulltime but flexibly so do have some time with them.

However, I feel constantly knackered as I still have to do everything (have a cleaner for 2 hours a week - I worship the ground that woman walks on!).

Xenia, don't say that dp should do more as he has an even more "proper" and pressured job than me!

Have come to the conclusion that working outside the home with lo's is hard - and extremely life changing - but then again I didn't think life was going to be like it was before IYKWIM.

Pinkveto · 14/09/2007 22:05

And generally I chuckle to myself when I read Xenia's posts, but thats b?@$£*y irritating.

I am damn good at my job. I need to be - failure isn't a lost contract, or an cross manager for me, its a dead person. I am not wimping out, but I feel nauseous when I try and think how we are going to manage two on-call rotas, nursery, over-runs, no family nearby, not enough money for the kind of childcare we need, and my husband working in another city for 6 months. Being pregnant or at home again on mat leave will be easier. And my family will be complete or near complete.

Original poster
artichokes · 14/09/2007 22:05

I too am lucky enough to have a choice because dh can support us all. We will miss my pay cheque but we can manage.

I have no intention of giving up on my career forever. My work allows a several year career break with a guaranteed right to return. I will return, I will, I will [she repeats unconvincingly while picturing a brood of six children and the world's longest maternity leave].

Is a two year age gap really that bad Psycho? That is the gap we will have if I am lucky enough to conceive quickly.

OP posts:
nooka · 14/09/2007 22:08

I've never been quite sure what "having it all" really means. Working can be hard and parenthood is definately hard, so combining the two is always going to be hard. But then ditto for the potential rewards too. Personally I got pregnant within months of returning to work after ds was born, but it was an accident! I went back to work when dd was three months old, and have only very recently began to think about cutting down on the work side and upping the child time (the children are now 8 and 7). I do think you have to work out a balance. I worked hard when my two were little in the hope that I would be senior enough and remunerated well enough to be able to have more options later in my career, and I think I am almost there. But there also have been things I have chosen not to pursue because I don't think that they would work for my family. I think that there will be time in the future for consultancy which is what I would really like to do, but I don't want to have an unpredicatable work pattern or be away from home for long periods. So ideally you need to work in such a way that you don't feel too compramised as a parent (and that's for both fathers and mothers).

Original poster
artichokes · 14/09/2007 22:09

Don't worry Pinkveto. Xenia has a very blinkered view of working women and her blinkers stop her understanding that everyone is different.

I know I am good at my job. I know I am not a wimp. But I also know that I want to do my best my family and the way I am working at the moment is not in anyone's best interests.

OP posts:
nooka · 14/09/2007 22:13

Most of the people I work with combine parenthood and work, and they seem to manage just fine (with occasional stressful patches when childcare arrangements don't work). I would say it was the norm in my work place, but then I do work for the NHS. If women stopped working after children there would be very little of the service left! One result is very family friendly policies - for example I think pretty much all of my team have flexible working arrangments (that's men and women, parents and those with other (or no) responsibilities).