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Original poster

How many of you returned to work after your 1st child thinking you could have it all, then realised the truth and...

163 replies

artichokes · 14/09/2007 21:32

...expedited getting pregnant again just so you could stop working?

I ask on 9.30pm on a Friday night as I finish catching-up on the work I could not finish this week because I had to pick DD up on time. Once I have finished with this thread I will go and pack my bag for my Sunday morning business flight that will take me away from my daughter for a week.

I never realised how hard juggeling work and family would be. DH and I have been discussing it all week and instead of leaving a three year gap we are going to try for a baby ASAP so that I can be at home again. If we are lucky enough to conceive I will take a career break after my maternity leave.

I know three others who are rushing their next pregnancies because working is too hard. Are there more out there?

OP posts:
ElenyaTuesday · 15/09/2007 18:55

Hi WWW, part of the reason for my reduction in income was I changed careers and had to start again from the bottom (and do exams, yuk!!). However, my new career is much more flexible and has no travelling - swings and roundabouts, I guess!

Neverenough, I think you are right - no-one can have it all - you have to find the right balance for your own family, emotionally and financially - and what works for one doesn't work for another. I understand what you say about being a role model for your dd - I only have sons and I think it is important for them to see me working too.

Gobbledigook · 15/09/2007 19:04

I don't think it's necessarily important for children to see their mothers 'working', I just think it's important for them to see their parents working as a team, to see some equality and working together.

Although I work I think my children don't see it that way because I work at home (they are only 6, 4, 3 so they perhaps just don't 'get it' yet) - but they see both mummy and daddy washing up, making their lunches, doing their bath etc etc. I think that's the most important thing. Oh, and for them to see that working hard is what gets you places in life - not expecting anyone else to do it for you.

My Mum didn't work when we were small. She wasn't ambitious. I am the complete opposite to her - I was studious and worked really hard at school and university, I loved working, I was good at it and I moved up the ladder (urgh!) quickly. You don't necessarily do what your parents did!

ElenyaTuesday · 15/09/2007 19:08

Gobbledigook - you are right - it is really important for children to see their parents sharing tasks at home.

Neverenough · 15/09/2007 19:11

I agree with all that Gobbledegook.
It's not the working per se that is important-because if I was in a low paid job that I hated with no options and was miserable where's the lesson in that?
It's the contribution-and the self worth and ability to make choices. If my DDs choose to be SAHMs-fantastic-their choice.If they want to be brain surgeons-ditto .

Original poster
artichokes · 15/09/2007 19:17

I agree that children must see their parent's sharing household tasks. DH is brilliant so I am lucky with that.

I am not so sure about children needing a working mother as a good role model. I think it depends on age. Once children are older I think it is healthy for them to see their mums going out into the world. But I don't think that is true for babies and toddlers. My mum always worked, she was very successful and she also had no choice as my father died when I was tiny. However my memories of early childhood are filled with images of her leaving me with sitters and child minders while I screamed and longed for her to stay.

OP posts:
Cammelia · 15/09/2007 19:27

I think Xenia is an undercover member of the Labour govt whose mission is to get all mothers into the workplace

She/He's orders are to infiltrate all the known parenting websites in the uk

Gobbledigook · 15/09/2007 19:27

I think it's really important for children to live in a happy household and whatever makes that so is fine I guess.

I agree about it being healthy to have parents that go out and do things. I do other things because I've got the flexibility with my work - like reading in school, helping out in the classroom and I'm on the PTA committee so I'm always involved in organising and running events, having meetings etc.

Also, this means I've got lots of close friends and my children have become friends with theirs so we do lots of stuff together like going on trips, having people over etc. I'd say that's a key benefit that's come from me being able to be around at home - they've got a huge circle of friends and they get out and about doing soooo much.

Psychobabble · 15/09/2007 21:04

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moondog · 15/09/2007 21:26

Good on ya Filly.
Keep me posted.
I know lots about the implications and issues involved.

UCM · 15/09/2007 21:32

I read this today and wanted to correct something I said.

When I said short, I meant only one paragraph but Xenia went on to do bigger posts. Gosh was worried that all was not right in your life there Xenia

I agree with the not being a perfectionist bit as well.

Jack of all trades, master of none, me.

Neverenough · 15/09/2007 22:47

It is difficult isn't it? I think we have to agree that we all have a different perspective. Please note that I did not say that you have to be a working Mum to be a good role model. I respect your choices to be SAHM-in fact, I envy it sometimes. But I believe that my children are no worse off than yours because I work-we all have a role in our society. I employ a nanny who has been with me for 7 years-she loves and is loved by my children. They do not get the two of us mixed up at all-I do the Mothering.
I am conscious also that if all mothers were SAHM there would be no mothers working in jobs that are traditionally female. You can't take 18 years off from being a doctor or teacher and then just slot back in.
Also, I agree with artichoke about the early years, that ideally I would have liked to stay home with each of my DDs until , say, schoolage. But this thread is about having it all, and sadly, I just couldn't.So I compromised and still do.

cat64 · 15/09/2007 23:11

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LyraBelacqua · 15/09/2007 23:15

cat64, DS2 didn't like being dropped off at nursery and, although he had a good time once he'd settled in, he always wanted to be "at home with you, mummy". They do want to be with their mums when they're little, too.

LyraBelacqua · 15/09/2007 23:16

He'd just turned 2 at the time, btw.

Gobbledigook · 15/09/2007 23:21

I agree - it seems so much harder when they are at school. All that breakfast club and after school club and then holiday club malarky. No thanks.

cat64 · 15/09/2007 23:21

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Neverenough · 15/09/2007 23:37

Well in reality they need you all the time no matter how old they are but in a different way.
The guilt doesn't go away, it's just directed at different things-so now, it's not why isn't it me taking them to playgroup, babygym etc, but why isn't it me picking up from tennis , doing homework, etc.
I'm not sure I feel any better having posted on this thread-rushed around to finish work early this week to get to something DD is doing on a weekly basis for the first time, it ended up being changed to a different day!
My Mum used to say that children don't mind so much who takes them places but they really want it to be their Mummy who comes to get them.

seeker · 16/09/2007 06:25

It really made me think one day last week when we got to school to discover it was unexpectedly closed because of a burst pipe. The playground was full of parents frantically - and in some cases crossly - ringing round trying to make arrangements, child minders trying to contact parents - and children standing round waiting to find out what was going to happen to them. I know people have to work - but I do think it must be dificult to be a child in these circumtances - particulalry when att the SAHMs were saying "OK it's a lovely day - lets go to the park/beach/home..."

JoshandJamie · 16/09/2007 06:48

I had my babies 19 months apart and the second pregnancy was an accident. But after having my first I asked my employer for flexible working and was basically laughed at.

So I went freelance. After baby number 2, I set up my own business.

I'm not earning as much as I did in fulltime employment but it's not far off and I work two full days a week at home, 2 half days a week at home and have one day off.

It has been very hard trying to fit all my work in and I find it particularly hard to go to networking events which tend to be after hours. I know I'm not doing as good a job as I could if I didn't also look after children, but I'm doing well enough to bring in a hefty chunk of money to the family pot, I feel fulfilled and I still get to spend time with my children.

Many people think setting up a business is too hard - but I am not entrepreneurial or a risk taker, and I've managed to do it. So don't forget about that as an option.

SimplySparkling · 16/09/2007 08:11

I've read all of this thread and there are so many valid points here that I feel sad that it may not be read by someone who makes decisions which could help parents in work i.e. mat leave, childcare provision etc.

I had 1 yr mat leave followed by 5 yrs of career break. I had dd a year after (as soon as poss) after ds so that she would be as old as poss when I went back to work. Since then (bar a couple of years of severe ill health) I have worked part time, all for the same organisation but in a few different local offices. Because I was a SAHM, dh has been able to concentrate on his career (he was/is the main earner by far) and he has done very well which now benefits us all. When either of the children are ill (they are now 13 and 12 yrs) it is inevitably me who has to leave work to be at home with them due to his work diary being booked up with trips (flights paid for etc) and meetings but I do go back into work as neccessary when he comes home if I have a deadline. I have, on occasions, picked the children up from school and gone back into work with them for an hour or so to meet a deadline. It's hard and I don't have any answers. I don't have any family living locally and now I find that most of my friends are back in work themselves and it is more difficult to ask each other for favours than when the children were little and lots of us were SAHMs. I think it's good that we have a thread like this. It does help to see that others are in the same boat.

mymama · 16/09/2007 08:39

This one is for you Xenia.

Well yes, some people who can't cope with work children wimp out and go back to work full time instead. not an option most men are given. Being home at work can be the solution if people aren't very good at their work children or fed up with it them.

But most working women do a very good job and are happy to work stay home and have children.

WideWebWitch · 16/09/2007 09:35

But I DON'T have to leave work dot on time because my dh does all the pick ups. I do think men/partners need to contribute FULLY if it's going to work, being a ft woth p.

And for me, I don't care if I'm not the one doing collection from/dropping to xyz, I consider that a taxi service and I can outsource that, no problem. Even sickness, I don't mind not being there for that if it's something like a headache (for anything serious of course it would be me or dh) but for minor illness I consider someone else can do it. We'll definitely consider an au pair once we've moved to a house that's big enough and once dd is at school ft next year.

mattersnot · 16/09/2007 09:52

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mattersnot · 16/09/2007 09:55

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WideWebWitch · 16/09/2007 09:59

I think

  • all parents are entitled to work if they want to/need to, no-one should criticise them for doing so
  • equally, if people want to be sahps that's fine too. I'd support some payment for this, I think it IS work and it IS a contribution to the economy/society
  • BOTH parents need to pull their weight if working oth is going to work and I mean wrt childcare/shopping/cooking/cleanng, all the things that keep a house going
  • employers should be flexible, legislation doesn't go far enough atm, it should have teeth
  • presenteeism culture needs challengng