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Original poster

How many of you returned to work after your 1st child thinking you could have it all, then realised the truth and...

163 replies

artichokes · 14/09/2007 21:32

...expedited getting pregnant again just so you could stop working?

I ask on 9.30pm on a Friday night as I finish catching-up on the work I could not finish this week because I had to pick DD up on time. Once I have finished with this thread I will go and pack my bag for my Sunday morning business flight that will take me away from my daughter for a week.

I never realised how hard juggeling work and family would be. DH and I have been discussing it all week and instead of leaving a three year gap we are going to try for a baby ASAP so that I can be at home again. If we are lucky enough to conceive I will take a career break after my maternity leave.

I know three others who are rushing their next pregnancies because working is too hard. Are there more out there?

OP posts:
bigmouthstrikesagain · 14/09/2007 22:14

Not sure why you feel it necessary to be so abrupt, Xenia, and dismiss any others actions that fail to fit your particular world view.

I chose to have a small gap btwn children (20 months) for a no. of reasons.

Age as i was 30 when had 1st child I didn't feel I had all the time in the world to conceive.My father died when I was 18 (he was in his 50's) so i p'haps overly aware of mortality.

To decrease length of career break.

Blessed ignorance of how much work a new born and a v young toddler can be!

No regrets though.

Now beginning to look to return - need to consider my options carefully, but I have the luxury of time which many women do not.

When it comes to a good work life balance I am yet to find one - I know i will find it difficult to leave my children on a daily basis before they reach school age. So my choices have accomodated that knowledge/ need.

good luck with the conception lark

pointydog · 14/09/2007 22:14

it is very common for women to go back ft after first baby and then go back pt (or stop) after second baby as they realise how bloody hard it is.

Having enough of the green stuff for a nanny, pref live-in, is only truly comfortable solution

ellehcim · 14/09/2007 22:17

I really don't think you can have it all. Very sorry to have to say that because I'd hoped it was possible. Currently on mat leave with DS2 and planning on taking the full year off to maximise the time I can spend with both sons. I know that even though my employer spends a massive amount of time telling the world how family frendly and flexible it is as an employer, the truth is that now that I have to leave on the dot for nursery pick up, my career is going nowhere fast. This is despite having been on the fast track pre pregnancy number one. My boss even said when I returned from mat leave 1 that she wasn't giving me certain responsibilities back because she knew I'd be thinking about another baby! God knows what will happen when the boys are at school and have to be collected earlier. Unfortunately DH and I earn about the same and so we just can't afford to slash our income in half by me giving up work.

bookthief · 14/09/2007 22:21

I think the thing that worries me about the second is that it would be double the childcare cost which would make it uneconomic for me to work. I need to make sure that ds is at least 3 when I go back to work and even then it'll be tight.

I do like my job though and it's a good one for my profession so I don't want to give it up entirely. I have a dreamy dream that I can swing a change to shorter hours 5 days a week when ds starts school (not overthinking this or anything )... The flexible working policies of the NHS make this a little more realistic.

Pinkveto · 14/09/2007 22:25

Am I working in a different NHS?? I can only work at 50%, and will have to slot share from March. So two of us with children and childcare will be handed a full time rota, and told to cover it. All. Weekends, nights, whatever. I am married to another doctor. In all probability so will the other person I slot share with. 4 rotas, 2 nurserys to combine

TheMadHouse · 14/09/2007 22:25

we have made massive sacrifices to enable me not to return to work. More than a 50% cut in income and moved to a cheeper part of the country on order to reduce mortgage.

In our opinion the DS are worth it. There is no way I could do my job 110% and return to pick the DS' p from childcare, so this means they get mummys attention and also I can take a shorter career break.

I want to be with my Children. I do not believe you can have at all and I was not prepared to let family life suffer.

foxinsocks · 14/09/2007 22:25

yes, I did this. I cried and cried and cried when I realised I'd have to give up work (because it just wasn't working out - not that I really enjoyed my job but I did enjoy working) so I got pregnant with ds in an attempt to maximise the time I had at home before I eventually returned to work again.

ellehcim · 14/09/2007 22:28

Childcare is ridiculously expensive. DH nearly had heart failure yesterday when I told him how much nursery fees are going to be when I go back to work.

Have the same dreamy dream Booktheif about starting at 8, working through lunch and finishing at 3. Likely to be shot down in flames unfortunately.

bookthief · 14/09/2007 22:29

Yes, I think it is a different NHS for staff that do shiftwork, Pinkveto. I'm A&C so it's a lot easier. (don't get too envious though - bog all money and dh is also bog all money, and I'll not likely ever get a better paying job than this one).

foxinsocks · 14/09/2007 22:30

I think childcare is actually easy when they are tiny and you have the option of nurseries.

It's when they are school age and have odd drop off times and pick up times and clubs and sickness and and and....

walbert · 14/09/2007 22:30

I tell you what, if you let me look after your kids, i can stay at home, and our childcare will be hardly owt... hmm, i can see a plan forming here....

Judy1234 · 14/09/2007 23:01

This is the key. As teenagers you have to look forward. If you want a fulfilling career and children then you really do have to pick hobs with a particular income stream however much you'd like to be a nurse or cleaner or shop worker otherwise yes it is very hard unless you marry a rich man of course. I certainly found it easier in my 30s with more money than when we had 3 children in my early 20s. But I wouldn't change that and wait until my 30s and nor would I have ever chosen to be home. It's just too dull.

Having it all is a bit of silly phrase.

But something artrich said struck home below... I was once interviewed by a journalist who had been interviewing various women with large families and high salaries. What she said was common to them was their ability to be content, to do a good enough job, a good enough ob with the children and a good enough job at work and that's how I am too. i don't seem to seek or need perfection. If the children are reasonably happy and the people I do work for are too that's great. Others are perfectionists and apparently less happy in life. Those who only feel things have to be "good enough" called "satisficers" find things easier and this is not a male female thing. Men fall into either category too.

So perhaps the how not to be a perfect mother/worker is a mind set to try to adopt to enjoy all aspects of a life.

Some people would see a week away from a child as a chance to catch up on sleep although it is quite long and I was never required to be away when they were little or indeed ever for that sort of time, may be one night at most.

I think you have to realise how very many housewives are terribly depressed at home and also later when they are in effect made redundant often by their husbands for a younger woman, children who are teenagers and then can't get back to work either in their 40s and 50s. They oftren regret decisions taken and wish they'd realised when they gave up work how very much worse it is at home - see countless mumsnet threads on depression.

NadineBaggott · 14/09/2007 23:07

dd 'needed' to go back to work after ds1 was born and did, but not for long. Hated putting her ds1 in nursery and I have to say I felt grim picking him up a couple of afternoons when I was part-time. Happily her company kept her on as a freelance, not everyone is that lucky.

pointydog · 14/09/2007 23:16

but to be fair, xenia, haven't you always had a nanny?

LyraBelacqua · 14/09/2007 23:26

It makes a massive difference having someone in your home looking after the children. I was run ragged dropping DS1 at school, DS2 at nursery, hour-long commute into work, hour-long commute back, pick up DS2 from nursery, pick up DS1 from friend. it was just too much and i was exhausted. I stopped after 3 months and I'm much happier being home in the week and will return to work properly once they're both in full-time school.

LyraBelacqua · 14/09/2007 23:27

Artichokes, the two-year age gap is hard work for the first year but then you reap the rewards when they play together and leave you alone to read the papers.

LaDiDaDi · 14/09/2007 23:32

I'm a doc in the NHS too Pinkveto.

I went back fulltime once dd was 8 months old and I hope to continue to work full-time until she is at least three. Then, once she's got her educational nursery place and I'm nearer to being a consultant, I'd like to have dc2.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how happy I am working full-time compared with how happy I think I'd be with other options.
I know that I love my job and would be bloody miserable if I gave it up entirely so that is absolutely not an option.

Working part-time would still mean doing long shifts, weekends and nights. Although I would see my dd more due to dp working we wouldn't spend any more time together as a family and as I'm by far the main earner our income and lifestyle would suffer significantly. This drop in come would make it particularly hard if I then went on mat leave with a dc2 or even dc3. In addition the length of my training left until I become a consultant would be doubled so the possibility of a working pattern that would suit our family lifestyle would be further out of reach.

Soooo, I'm staying full-time and sticking with the original plan. I've realised that what I want is more time with dp and dd together as a family and that means better organisation to make the most of our days off together rather than me having more time off without dp.

I also can see where Xenia is coming from with her satisfiers vs perfectionists. Years ago I was a perfectionist and I was miserable (pre dp and dd). Now, somehow, I've mellowed into a statisfier and life's a whole lot better!

nooka · 14/09/2007 23:36

The key is good childcare, and I think that's much easier when they are tiny. More expensive, but easier. We had a live out nanny until it just became daft with school and nursery, and if I had loads of money that's what I would still have, because it was so low stress. Also I think that as your children get older they want you more, and your input is more valuable, especially on the educational front. We use a childminder at the moment, and it's not ideal, because they lose out on going to activities and having friends around. But neither dh (who took a year out a couple of years back) nor I could do our current roles flexibly and/or part time enough to realistically be there for the children after school every day.

Gobbledigook · 14/09/2007 23:39

Well, I didn't get pregnant again right away, but I did go back to work thinking that was just 'the done thing' and that I had no other option. Nothing could prepare me for the emotional turmoil leaving ds in nursery would put me through. I didn't find it hard, I found it impossible to see him for so little of the day. I hated every second of it and soon left.

LyraBelacqua · 14/09/2007 23:40

An awful lot depends on the type of job you have too. In my job it's very easy to work part-time, so atm I'm doing one day a week, which suits me fine. In other jobs this is impossible.

Gobbledigook · 14/09/2007 23:45

Oh didn't see you down there NB!!

moondog · 14/09/2007 23:46

I love work.
I love farming my kids off onto low paid skivvies me.
Bring it on.

MrsMarvel · 14/09/2007 23:59

I'm probably being totally naive here, but why do you have to get pregnant in order to stop working? Can't you just stop now for the child you already have?

LyraBelacqua · 15/09/2007 00:07

To get the maternity pay, mrsmarvel.

MrsMarvel · 15/09/2007 00:09

I suppose then it's just to do with whether you can afford to sacrifice the pay for the peace of mind. I guess it runs up to a fair bit of money these days. In my day you had to be working in a place for 500 years before you could get it.

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