My best friend’s son’s wedding

[GardenBirdie]

The son of my best friend of 51 years gets married tomorrow. I wasn’t invited.

it’s not exactly a small wedding - 60+ guests - and it’s taking place in a castle. My friend and her husband are paying for it.

i’ve known the groom since he was born and feel very sorry not to be seeing him get married.

I would never say anything, of course, but can’t help but feel upset that my friend hasn’t even acknowledged it.

Should I, in some way, refer to this in future? It feels dishonest not to. The wedding doesn't just involve the bride and groom and their friends - I know some distant relatives have been invited that my friend is rarely in touch with.

The same thing happened with her first son.

Feeling very hurt.

Ok so for you it's a gift.
Traditionally, the bride's parents organised the whole thing.
Here it's the groom's parents though...

Do you have kids @Gwenhwyfar ?

60 people is not a big wedding. It’s not a tiny one, of course, but it’s nowhere near big. You’re being a bit unreasonable. I can understand how you’re feeling but the last thing you ought do is make your friend feel badly about this. Good on her for offering to pay for her sons wedding without strings, so often you have such drama where the one paying decides they should have say on everything! Personally I’d send a card of congratulations, tell friend she looked amazing and the wedding looked wonderful and call it a day!

No.
However, last time I was a bridesmaid the invitation was in the name of the bride's parents. I don't remember their friends being there, but I know there was a lot of power games between my friend and her mother because the parents were paying.

Aw I do understand why you’re really disappointed to not be there, but like others have said - that might only be 30 guests for each person getting married, and they’ve got to include families as there is more pressure to do that.

In answer to your question about whether you should reference it in the future…. YES! You should send a message to your friend (and to the groom directly, or through your friend), to wish the happy couple all the best! You can tell your friend’s son how happy you are for him as you’ve known him all his life and you’re delighted to hear he’s getting married and wish him all the very best!

So no theoretical child will have to suffer a cat’s bum expression from you if they dare to not want to invite your guest list if you contribute to the wedding

My contribution to my children’s wedding will be no strings attached gift

but I know there was a lot of power games between my friend and her mother because the parents were paying.

Poor woman. Who needs enemies when you have a mother who throws her weight around making demands about your wedding on the grounds that she has gifted some money

I thinks she was trying to help not being horrible!
If you want total control, pay for it yourself. I believe many couples do these days.

But her daughter obviously didn’t want the help
so the mother should have backed off

As i say… those of us with healthy relationships with our adult children will contribute to their weddings with no strings attached

60 people is tiny. Once you take out the bride and groom, that’s 29 people each. If your friend’s son has his parents there that’s 2 more, and you mention there’s another brother who is married already so that’s 2 more, and then let’s say there’s a best man, that leaves him only 24 invites for all his extended family, and his friends. It’s unlikely that both his parents are only children so there probably be at least 1 set of aunts and uncles, and probably a cousin or two, maybe a grandparent or two also? So let’s say that’s another 5 family members although it’s probably more, bringing it to 19 remaining. The majority of people statistically have 3-4 really close friends - let’s say one from school, one from uni and one from a social activity or workplace. If they’re all of marrying age then they probably also have spouses or partners so that’s 8 more, bringing it to 11 invites remaining and the only people they’ve invited so far are their family and absolute closest friends. If he can only invite 11 more people, you really think he should have to invite his parents’ friends over his own? That’s incredibly entitled and more than a little unreasonable!

She did want the money!

She accepted what I presume she thought was a gift from her parents towards her wedding

unless of course they dangled it in front of her and said on condition we have our own guest list

No, she accepted a traditional setup where the bride's parents pay and also partly organise the wedding.

So to be clear, your friend was offered the money on condition that she allowed her parents to be involved with the organisation of the wedding and, had she said that she would rather organise it herself, her parents would have whipped the money away?

I have two adult DDs. It has never occurred to me to pay for or contribute to their weddings - not that there’s any sign of either getting married. I think that’s very inappropriate.

What’s “very inappropriate”?

To fund their wedding. If I had spare money I would gift some so they could get on the property ladder, but I wouldn’t for a wedding.

Sure you’d do things differently
I would want to chip in for a wedding
and I would definitely want to help with a house purchase

nothing “very inappropriate” about how parents choose to help their adult kids in different ways

I don’t think you understand what inappropriate means.

There is nothing inappropriate about how a parent chooses to spend their money

In this scenario of the OP’s, what is damn inappropriate is expecting an invite

I know what it means. I think funding a wedding is basically immoral. I think weddings are a huge waste of money and I would never be party to it. If the couple wish to have a wedding and pay for it themselves, that’s up to them, but I would disapprove all the same.

That’s cool that you think that.

It doesn’t mean it’s “very inappropriate” of a parent decides to contribute to their child’s wedding

You would disapprove if your child had a wedding?

I understand now why the stately homes thread is always so busy

And yet you posted this a couple of days ago

My wedding was a small day in my life. We’d been together over 20 years. It was a low-key wedding with just my parents and children for guests