My best friend’s son’s wedding

[GardenBirdie]

The son of my best friend of 51 years gets married tomorrow. I wasn’t invited.

it’s not exactly a small wedding - 60+ guests - and it’s taking place in a castle. My friend and her husband are paying for it.

i’ve known the groom since he was born and feel very sorry not to be seeing him get married.

I would never say anything, of course, but can’t help but feel upset that my friend hasn’t even acknowledged it.

Should I, in some way, refer to this in future? It feels dishonest not to. The wedding doesn't just involve the bride and groom and their friends - I know some distant relatives have been invited that my friend is rarely in touch with.

The same thing happened with her first son.

Feeling very hurt.

yes , so what? I’m married. In a register office. For the legal protection it gives, of course. It cost less than £200 all in. If my DC wanted to do that, I’d support them. I don’t object to the concept of marriage, just to the hoo-ha of a wedding.

And you had guests
and presumably your partner did too

You described it as a low key wedding

So to be clear… if you child wanted anything more than precisely what you had… you would disprove, regard it as immoral and… refuse to go? Or just be in an arse about it?

I think you are forgetting that there were strong traditions.

Traditionally, the brides parents paid for and hosted the wedding. The invitations were sent from the brides parents, asking guests to join them in their daughter’s wedding to her groom.
It wasn’t anything to do with being ‘allowed’ or ‘on the condition that’, it was a collective wedding guest list, a family celebration.
My wedding was just that. Out of respect for my parents, i would not have stood my ground about guests, if it was importantly to them. As it was, we made a guest list together. Family (hierarchical order 😆) family friends, my/their friends. Once the list was roughly counted, we found a venue of the appropriate size and cost per head.

Perhaps the bride’s parents hosting and paying, was built on very old traditions of dowries, or that women didn't always have the means to pay for their own wedding. Perhaps the bride and groom were more likely to be younger (my parents were 19 when they married) I was late 20’s and working a professional job but my parents would have felt very embarrassed not paying for my wedding. This also included that the bride (me) was ‘given away’ by her father, to another man.

All very archaic, but of its time.

How long ago was this?

I think it’s spoilt and embarrassing behaviour for a child to want or expect it, and shameful and over-indulgent for a parent to offer it. There are better things to spend money on. I would think poorly of parents who funded a wedding or young people who accepted it. My DDs have always known there’d be no money for weddings.

So… you wouldn’t attend
or you’d stomp around in a moody arse?

So if you’re daughter’s future husband’s parents gift them money towards a wedding that automatically makes them spoilt and embarrassing?

Is a wedding only immoral if you have 21 guests but not 20?
What if your £200 wedding was a larger spend proportionally to someone spending 10k? Does that make you the immoral one?

People are going to have opinions as you’ve posted. The point of Mumsnet isn’t for people to only respond in the way you want. You asked for opinions and got them.
60 people isn’t a big wedding and I’m sure they have lots of their own family and friends to invite

That was common amongst myself and my friends in the early nineties. The bride and her parents arranged the wedding, and the groom just turned up all the day. There was obviously discussion with the grooms and his family regarding guests, venues, etc but it was primarily the bride family who organised and paid for it.

I guess we will never know @Morethanadecade ’s views on this! But I’m guessing that if one of her children had the bare faced cheek to be so immoral as to what more than want more than her parents at her own wedding and make it a bit of a party - this poster would kick up a foul stink, curl her lip in disgust and either refuse to go or spoil the day in a dark mood.

Although… that is presuming the daughter would even invite her…

It isn’t about how long ago, it is about tradition and attitude. This differs due to a range of circumstances and personal views of the bride, groom and their families. Some people will choose tradition, some not. Some may not have an option to choose at all.

In the last couple of years, I have friends where their children have hosted and paid for their own weddings, friends who have given money (in this case £20,000) to the bride and groom, towards the wedding costs and friends who have hosted and paid for their daughter’s whole wedding. (one was at a very expensive country house hotel, involved a private jet and cost £250,000+ - the bride and groom could not afford this wedding without the parents)

Personal decisions.

I got married in 1990 and my parents paid for almost everything (ILs paid for groomsmen's suit hire). It was very common and traditional at the time, but generally we had much more modest weddings. It was either a church or a registry office then, as very few other venues were licensed to have weddings. Receptions typically in a church hall, hotel or a function room. I think weddings were simpler and less flashy 35+ years ago. Times change and we have to accept things are done differently now.

Things change, sometimes for the better, sometimes not.

With time

hence me asking how long ago this was

I am 45 and certainly never been to a wedding where I’ve been invited by the bride’s parents

I didn’t feel under the tiniest whiff of pressure to invite my parents friends. And they contributed heftily to my wedding.

and I will give with no strings attached

out of interest @ReachingTo do you have kids? If so… what happened re their weddings?

Yes, I have children. Three of my own and three step children.

One step child married. Brides divorced parents hosted and formally invited guests. Guest list, the bride and groom compiled with her parents, many, many friends of the family attended. Traditional church wedding, bride given away by her DF. Combination of brides parents, groom’s dad (all things pertaining to the groom and ushers) paid. I gave a gift of money directly to the bride towards her dress.
Two step children not married. One won’t, it isn’t something either want. The other has a partner, previously married, with children.

My DC’s, who knows, not even sure they will get married. Two of my DC’s are both in long term relationships
Not sure how these will play out. DC’s did not return to their home town post uni, so very little contact with friends/friends parents here and I think weddings would be in their new cities.
Maybe a combination of people will contribute based on each wedding. My DS’s boyfriend has fairly well off parents and enjoy a good party, can imagine quite a big affair and everyone contributing and putting together a guest list.
Another DS’s girlfriend was brought up by her single parent mum, less affluent than above. Again, a joint venture possibly.
I am happy to contribute or pay. Equally my DC’s may host their own wedding and stand the cost. (I am sure they would happily let me pay 😆) saving their money for their house renovations and a planned house purchase).

Guest list, the bride and groom compiled with her parents, many, many friends of the family attended.

I wonder if forced to invite people they didn’t know or didn’t want

If you do contribute @ReachingTo , will it be with any strings attached?

Never heard anyone mention how much a wedding cost openly - is that really done normally?

@IndestructibleRubberplants It’s not that difficult to work out if people are interested! Not sure the £1/4 million is a huge boast, but I’ve heard shocked parents mention money spent. Especially dads!

Yes, very odd

From my experience, the approximate cost is mentioned with/between whoever's paying's friends.
Neighbour's daughter's wedding was 'Over £24k' back in the day when £12K would have been a lot.
Otherwise, there's a tendency to chatter about what people think it costs.

I don’t intend to tell anyone how much I am contributing aside from my child and their partner and I sure as heck won’t be discussing how much the wedding costs with friends! Sure, I’d discuss that with friends if it was my wedding but not my child’s

I wouldn't either. I didn't hear the neighbour saying it to my mother but they were friends so wouldn't be surprised.

I wouldn't mention the cost, but it's pretty obvious if it's extravagant or not. People tend to talk about these things.

I wasn't invited to my own Sons wedding, imagine how hurtful that was