My best friend’s son’s wedding

[GardenBirdie]

The son of my best friend of 51 years gets married tomorrow. I wasn’t invited.

it’s not exactly a small wedding - 60+ guests - and it’s taking place in a castle. My friend and her husband are paying for it.

i’ve known the groom since he was born and feel very sorry not to be seeing him get married.

I would never say anything, of course, but can’t help but feel upset that my friend hasn’t even acknowledged it.

Should I, in some way, refer to this in future? It feels dishonest not to. The wedding doesn't just involve the bride and groom and their friends - I know some distant relatives have been invited that my friend is rarely in touch with.

The same thing happened with her first son.

Feeling very hurt.

Yes friends and neighbours all turned up at the church they weren't necessarily specifically invited they just knew the wedding was happening and went to watch and throw confetti. The wedding breakfast would be in a local hotel or the mother of the bride's house, big dos with all the trimmings were just for the really wealthy

No bitterness from me, very fond memories of large weddings, with lots of people invited.

Things change, sometimes for the better, sometimes not.

60 people is a small wedding and in most cases distant relatives do trump parents friends. You are not family, of course it would be lovely to be invited but honestly if you do anything other than send a card and offer your congratulations to the happy couple then it will reflect badly on you.

60 isn’t really that many people when you take into account the wedding party the brides family and the grooms family. The bride and groom will want to invite their own friends as well and they will pick their own friends over a friend of the family.

There was a post on here a few years ago but by a bride. The bride’s mother was contributing towards the wedding and insisting a few of her friends were able to go. But the maximum was 50 they had something like 49 guests. It would have meant the bride uninviting her own friends. So the bride was contemplating refusing the money off her mother. Weddings cost a lot more now than they used to.

Distant relatives you say? It’s still lovely to see them at family celebrations and as happened in my family made us want to stay in touch with them. Even though they haven’t seen them for years they still want to include them as they are family.

60 is fairly small - if 250+ I would say you have a point but not a modest gathering, anyway it’s up to the couple

Absolutely this. Why should the B&G mind if family friends are invited when they aren’t even paying? They in any case are going to be well known to them, but if it’s a wedding of reasonable size there are going to be people on both sides who they’ve never met before.

No, the Op would not “have a point” if it was 250 guests

You need to re read your post @ReachingTo

You list example of example of when you haven’t been invited to a wedding but feel you should have been

and there is nothing sad about no longer feeling pressurised to invite people who don’t want at your wedding

child of a sibling
(nephew or niece)

The wedding was small and had bride's siblings and parents, and their partners, groom's siblings and parents and their partners, grandparents, and friends.

This is what I was told. I wasn't invited and a third party told me about it.
Something like 'Zac and Yseult are getting married next weekend. Xanadu Hotel. Only 40 guests.' Then 'Wedding was nice. A bit small. Ceremony and meal and that was it.'

Maybe they had a huge wedding and hate me. If so, so be it. Not going to loose sleep over it.
I attended the nibling's sibling's wedding a few years ago but that was church, reception and evening do.

Are you good friend's with the bride and groom? Have you even met the bride? This is their son's wedding not their 50th wedding anniversary party, it's the son and dil's day, not their parent's day. A wedding of 60 people is not big by any means, we had 70 day guests and really struggled. I allowed my in-laws to invite people they knew to the evening do, people who I had never met before or since showed up to my wedding. I had people come up to me on my wedding day and introduce themselves, I really did not care they were there or actually want them there, I said "hi, nice to meet you, my mother in law is outside" and sent them to her! Looking back I should have declined having people I didn't know or want at my wedding. We paid an eye watering amount for our wedding, my in-laws did contribute so I guess they felt they had some say, they actually made us change some relatives to day guests who again have little to do with us, I couldn't be bothered arguing. We have friends who we were close to, still are close to after 10 years marriage who we could only invite to the evening, it is maddening when I think about it that our own friends were downgraded in favour of distant relatives who we have never been close to and haven't actually even seen since the wedding!

Wedding's are for the bride and groom, they decide the guest list, not the parent's.

No, I don’t think I should have been invited. I said very clearly

We have friends with children, who we have known from school age, getting married. We are not invited. We just accept it, realising it is difficult to please everyone.

In another awkward situation and a different wedding, a friend asked us, infront of a group of friends, about their wedding invite, assuming we were all invited! Turns out it is only them. Although we are much closer to the brides parents, the bride has chosen to invite the other couple as she went to school with their son.

why is that awkward. You are closer to the bride’s parents. Perhaps this couple were closer to the couple actually getting married!!

This. ⬆️ It used to be the case that the parents got to invite their friends as it was partially seen as 'their day' but, despite who's paying, this is no longer the case for most people. I haven't been invited to any of the weddings of my close friends' kids (even though I've known them all since they were born) and never really expected to. Times have changed.

When it comes down to it, we are going to be more interested in our friend's children when they become adults, than they will be in us! We have fond memories of watching them grow and spending time with them when they were young. But they don't really have or cherish similar memories of that time. They've forged their new lives, and though they'll be polite and pleasant if they come across us, that's all they'll be.

I find myself telling my grown up kids that "I bumped into (old friend) yesterday, and she was asking after you. She retired last year and is planning a trip to the US"; then note their 'why are you telling me this?' expressions, and remember feeling the same when my mum used to relate her friends' latest news to me!

It's one of those facts of life. We're really not important to the next generation from our friends.

Awkward for the man who asked!
He demonstrated a known social faux-pa.

He assumed our social circle share the same/more likely access to this wedding and accidentally revealed that others in the group (not just us) are left out.

He was embarrassed that by asking the questions of us, he had assumed we would be invited. He knows we are closer friends with the brides parents than he and his wife are. His wife also added that the bride and their DC had had a big fall out and couldn’t understand why they were invited.

The couple made the right call. Very much so.

I doubt he gave it much thought. He asked if you were attending the wedding, you said no. 🤷‍♀️ I suppose he just presumed you were all adults who’d have figured that if you’re not invited to a wedding it’s because the couple in question are closer to others who they have invited.

You and your friends wouldn’t have all had identical relationships with the wedding family. He was clearly closer

@Onbuy Or he asked the question to wind them up! Another male trait.

Really? Can’t say I’d assume this would be the case of any of the men in my life. Thankfully

His red face, back tracking and general stuttering gave it away. 😆 as well as, him saying ‘but I thought you would definitely be there if we are…so who is going? …we won’t know anyone’…

and as I said above, his wife saying she didn’t know why they were invited, as their DC’s had fallen out years ago.

Each to their own decisions.

The wife was trying to be diplomatic
Poor guy
The bride and groom obviously liked the couple and wanted their presence

No, because the parents are paying.

When I contribute towards my children’s weddings, my goodness it won’t be with the expectation I get my own guest list!!!

Gosh, 60+ guests isn't a huge wedding that is a more the merrier situation. We had just less than that and considered ours small. Once we'd each invited our immediate families and our closest friends with their partners from different parts of our lives it gets to that sort of number very quickly. Even though your friend was paying, it is still her son (and his fiancee's) wedding - to invite you may have meant having to exclude one of their friends. If it was a church wedding, you could have gone along to see that part, otherwise your role is to coo over your friend's photos after the event.