Page 7 | My best friend’s son’s wedding

saraclara · 22/08/2026 07:12

GardenBirdie · 22/08/2026 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

I'm of your generation, and yes, back then it was the bride's parents who were in charge of the guest list. Which seems insane to me now.

Weddings are not the parents' arena these days, which is as it should be. The couple want the people that they're closest to, or have the closest family links to.

It doesn't matter who's paying, it's the bride and groom's day. When my daughter got married, she did ask me if there was anyone I wanted to invite, but I think that was more because I'm widowed and we don't have much family, so she thought I might like to have something there as company. But in the end I didn't take her up on it.

Basically you can't expect a wedding in 2026 to be like a wedding in 1976.

maryberryslayers · 22/08/2026 07:18

Parents inviting friends to their children's wedding is an outdated concept. Parents used to 'host' the wedding on behalf of their children but that's not the case anymore, so they no longer have a say in the guest list even if they do contribute financially. Her son will have his own friends who take precedence, and rightly so.

Callmemummynotmaaa · 22/08/2026 07:25

GardenBirdie · 22/08/2026 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

This was my parents attitude when we got married, except we paid for the wedding. Each parent each side insisted on having their friendship group…we compromised on 10 invites, and between those, aunts uncles close cousins and grandparents - it left myself and my husband with 5 friends each (+ 1 or two of their partners, literally we had a single friends table). It’s the only thing I regret looking back.

We married young ish - and did the ‘bigge thing for family at the time so capitulated to a lot of ‘but it’s tradition’ requests. And yet, it’s still the only event we’ve ever had to celebrate us. It was a lovely day, but could have been more “ours”. And that’s the advice I now give to others: you can be respectful and hold your own too.

I can see why your hurt - but maybe take a step back. Is your friend also struggling to balance her traditions and a relationship with her child and his wife? 60 people is a very small wedding (on my side extended family would fill that immediately). I wish more of my parents friends had supported them, rather than made it about their feelings.

(and the funny thing is in hindsight; I know my parents say the same too…)

CarrieOakie · 22/08/2026 07:32

Wedding invites used to be about people who had watched the bride or groom grow up, and family. They were much simpler occasion in many ways. Weddings were planned about 6-12 months after engagement.

a hen party and stag party in the local town, the Friday night before a Saturday morning or afternoon wedding in a local church. Bridesmaid trotted along behind the bride.The wedding breakfast was afterwards, sherryon arrival in a church hall or maybe a hotel function room.

The bride and groom left afterwards and the car was adorned with tin cans and banners

now weddings are planned for 3 years time in a “venue” as churches have gone out of favour in the last 20 years. They have hen parties abroad months before the wedding and solo invites are sent to couples. The weddings cost the same as a terraced house did in 1990 and it’s totally different. It’s staged with grand entrances for the bridesmaids and the bride comes last. Not a schooner in sight at the reception

life changes

2026letsgo · 22/08/2026 07:45

I think its a weird your best friend hasn’t mentioned anything.
Something like “ They are only having a small wedding and James is struggling to narrow down his list. They’d have loved you to come otherwise”

I don’t see my mums best friend (60 plus years) as my friend although we are all very friendly when they meet up. I don’t even swap Christmas cards with her. Unless you are actively involved in her sons life I wouldn’t take it personally.

2026letsgo · 22/08/2026 07:52

@CarrieOakie Like your name.
Wow I hadn’t thought about all the differences but you are spot on. Especially the bridesmaids first, bride afterwards change.

Any1ForTennis · 22/08/2026 08:04

You might get on better posting this on Gransnet to get the answer you're looking for .....

Ultimately you aren't friend or family to the Bride & Groom. They have 60 guests so roughly 15 couples per side. These will be taken up by their friends and family.

Thinking back to my own wedding, I had no idea who my MIL's friends were and had no interest in getting to know them.

You're also coming across as very entitled which isn't a quality I was looking for in my wedding guests. Please don't embarrass yourself by bringing this up with your friend.

Likeiloveyou · 22/08/2026 08:09

GardenBirdie · 22/08/2026 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

I’m in my sixties. I’m guessing you are older if it was the norm for you that your parents had control of your wedding invitation list, it certainly wasn’t normal by the time I got married in the nineties.

Times have changed. The bride and groom have control over who gets invited. Not their parents.

Does that make you feel better? You would be a fool to let this ruin a good friendship but you seem determined to do so.

Morethanadecade · 22/08/2026 08:32

GardenBirdie · 22/08/2026 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

It’s not the parents’ wedding, though. Weddings are much more expensive now and guest numbers are often limited. It is not normal for parents’ friends to be invited unless they are, in themselves, friends of the bride or groom. I’m in my 60s and would never expect to be invited to a wedding in those circumstances, and nor would I particularly want to go to one.

Homemerge · 22/08/2026 08:52

As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

You mum sounds like a wise woman. So follow her advice and don’t, FGS, say anything to your friend

Marroon · 22/08/2026 08:53

I can’t believe you’ve come back to this post doubling down and ignoring almost every single comment you have received.

Homemerge · 22/08/2026 08:54

CarrieOakie · 22/08/2026 07:32

Wedding invites used to be about people who had watched the bride or groom grow up, and family. They were much simpler occasion in many ways. Weddings were planned about 6-12 months after engagement.

a hen party and stag party in the local town, the Friday night before a Saturday morning or afternoon wedding in a local church. Bridesmaid trotted along behind the bride.The wedding breakfast was afterwards, sherryon arrival in a church hall or maybe a hotel function room.

The bride and groom left afterwards and the car was adorned with tin cans and banners

now weddings are planned for 3 years time in a “venue” as churches have gone out of favour in the last 20 years. They have hen parties abroad months before the wedding and solo invites are sent to couples. The weddings cost the same as a terraced house did in 1990 and it’s totally different. It’s staged with grand entrances for the bridesmaids and the bride comes last. Not a schooner in sight at the reception

life changes

Some weddings today are planned like this

but absolutely not all. Not even a majority I would say

BelleEpoque27 · 22/08/2026 08:56

Literally none of my friends invited their parents' friends to their wedding. That's a really unusual thing to do nowadays, weddings are hugely expensive and you are obligated to invite family over friends you'd like there, let alone your parents' friends.

ReachingTo · 22/08/2026 09:10

Jellybean23 · 21/08/2026 23:16

In days gone by, the wedding invitations were issued by the bride's parents with typical wording ' Mr and Mrs Smith invite you to the wedding of their daughter, Janet to Mr Joe Bloggs'. The bride's parents had a big say in who was invited.

That boat has sailed. Now, the marrying couple tend to issue the invitations themselves and they invite the people they want to be there. Best friends of parents aren't really considered.

Yes, I agree. We had numerous friends of my parents as they were hosting the wedding.

Things have changed, sadly.

We have friends with children, who we have known from school age, getting married. We are not invited. We just accept it, realising it is difficult to please everyone.

More difficult to deal with though are comments, from one friend, of ‘my friend C is invited’ - like the group here are not really friends, despite us all being friends for 25 years.

In another awkward situation and a different wedding, a friend asked us, infront of a group of friends, about their wedding invite, assuming we were all invited! Turns out it is only them. Although we are much closer to the brides parents, the bride has chosen to invite the other couple as she went to school with their son.

It has created lots of discussion amongst the group. The couple with the invite can’t really see why they have been invited and we have discussed between us whether we would have suggested to our DC, in that situation, that it would be better to not invite anyone from the brides parents group of friends.

Going back to things being different, with the bride above, I would have loved to have seen her as a bride. In my day, people would stand at the brides house as she left home or wait outside the church. At my wedding, even some of the children I taught and their families were outside the church. A real community celebration. With this impending wedding, the service is in a venue, the reception follows. No chance to with the bride well.

Homemerge · 22/08/2026 09:14

ReachingTo · 22/08/2026 09:10

Yes, I agree. We had numerous friends of my parents as they were hosting the wedding.

Things have changed, sadly.

We have friends with children, who we have known from school age, getting married. We are not invited. We just accept it, realising it is difficult to please everyone.

More difficult to deal with though are comments, from one friend, of ‘my friend C is invited’ - like the group here are not really friends, despite us all being friends for 25 years.

In another awkward situation and a different wedding, a friend asked us, infront of a group of friends, about their wedding invite, assuming we were all invited! Turns out it is only them. Although we are much closer to the brides parents, the bride has chosen to invite the other couple as she went to school with their son.

It has created lots of discussion amongst the group. The couple with the invite can’t really see why they have been invited and we have discussed between us whether we would have suggested to our DC, in that situation, that it would be better to not invite anyone from the brides parents group of friends.

Going back to things being different, with the bride above, I would have loved to have seen her as a bride. In my day, people would stand at the brides house as she left home or wait outside the church. At my wedding, even some of the children I taught and their families were outside the church. A real community celebration. With this impending wedding, the service is in a venue, the reception follows. No chance to with the bride well.

Show quote history

Things have changed, sadly.

why sadly? That the bride and groom don’t feel pressurised to invite people they don’t want to invite?

Your entire post drips with bitterness @ReachingTo

QuothTheRavenista · 22/08/2026 10:11

GardenBirdie · 22/08/2026 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

Were you replying to anyone in particular?

chirrupybird · 22/08/2026 10:17

It is the bride and groom that decide the guest list, I wouldn't want my mum inviting random friends of hers to my wedding (even if she was paying). And they are usually family and friends of the bride and groom.

2026letsgo · 22/08/2026 10:22

Marroon · 22/08/2026 08:53

I can’t believe you’ve come back to this post doubling down and ignoring almost every single comment you have received.

To be fair posters have been incredibly rude.
Very few have addressed the issue supportively given the Op is feeling hurt. Where it has been pointed out that weddings have involved to be family and friends of the couple rather than family as a whole , they end with a load of insults thrown in.
Expecting and Entitled carry different meaning.

PointedFirs · 22/08/2026 10:28

GardenBirdie · 22/08/2026 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

But surely the ‘if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing’ also applies to potentially bringing up the lack of wedding invitation to the wedding? All you’d be saying is ‘I’m hurt you didn’t make your adult child invite me to his wedding’, which is pretty much the definition of ‘not constructive’. Nothing will change, apart from you creating resentment.

Allswellthatendswelll · 22/08/2026 10:30

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 22/08/2026 06:33

Best friends of parents are included if they are God parents and if it’s a big wedding, 60 is fairly small and couples usually have more frirnds now because they are older. Few in my day had work friends for example but now couples are older quite often, these friends have been accumulated over 10 years quite possibly and these people get invited. Most couples now limit family to closer family and even then, with 60, that’s probably quite a chunk.

I just don’t think 60 accommodates parental friends.

This is interesting- I suppose if you got married at 23 or so in the 80s you had less friends you'd accumulated along the way and it was more likely people you'd known as a child would be invited. Now people are getting married a decade later and there are more established sets of friends from different areas of life. Also it's so much more expensive now!

TomBaileysFlyingGoggles · 22/08/2026 10:33

GardenBirdie · 21/08/2026 00:36

The son of my best friend of 51 years gets married tomorrow. I wasn’t invited.

it’s not exactly a small wedding - 60+ guests - and it’s taking place in a castle. My friend and her husband are paying for it.

i’ve known the groom since he was born and feel very sorry not to be seeing him get married.

I would never say anything, of course, but can’t help but feel upset that my friend hasn’t even acknowledged it.

Should I, in some way, refer to this in future? It feels dishonest not to. The wedding doesn't just involve the bride and groom and their friends - I know some distant relatives have been invited that my friend is rarely in touch with.

The same thing happened with her first son.

Feeling very hurt.

I think your feelings are quite natural, but I would not say anything to your friend.

It is usual in my family for neighbours/parents close friends to be invited. My friends' children are not of marriageable age yet but there are a few that I would like/hope to share in their wedding and other major life events. I've been part of their lives always, their mothers have been part of my life for over fifty years!

I will contain my upset if I don't get an invitation (I hope). It's not a reflection on your relationship with your friend rather a change in how weddings are now. I don't think you are making it all about you to feel hurt, but maybe talk it out here online rather than hurting your friendship.

It was probably outside her control anyway.

My ex MIL gave us a significant sum towards our wedding but made no demands/requests for guests. My mother also gave us a sum of money as a gift. We made the list ourselves. We had fifty guests; over thirty were family, the rest friends. It's hard with a small number to invite everyone. I got away without asking neighbours on both sides as it was abroad and a limited venue.

StressedOutPeanut · 22/08/2026 10:35

My parenrs tried to do this at my wedding, invite their friends who have known me since birth. I put my foot down i didn't want to exclude my own friends or family for friends of theirs. So don't be offended.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 22/08/2026 10:37

BunnyLake · 21/08/2026 18:46

That wasn’t normal etiquette 25 years ago - which was 2001. Must have been your family but certainly not the norm.

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It was etiquette when my uni friends got married in thr 80s. I was later, 2000, and it was still present but changing. Fewer distant relatives, few work colleagues all day, more friends.

HideousKinky · 22/08/2026 10:52

Although it was common in the past to invite friends of the bride & groom's parents, this is no longer generally the case, largely because these days it is organised by the couple themselves and naturally they fill the guest list with their own friends

Peachsandcream · 22/08/2026 11:01

Understandable you are hurt, but as many have said, it’s their wedding and they can chose who to invite.

60 is relatively tight - 30 for each side so it’s natural they would invite their friends and family, leaving little room for parent friends.

I would let it go, I’m sure if the numbers were bigger you would have been invited