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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My lovely 13 yr old dd is taking me for a mug

122 replies

BitOfFun · 10/02/2010 20:40

EEK, have got a problem- need your advice ladies please...

13 year old dd went out to see Avatar tonight, with "Becky".

Except dss(14) has seen her at the train station and grassed her up. It was Harry, who she claimed dumped her a couple of weeks ago.

I wouldn't have minded her going on a date.

I bloody do mind her lying to me though . I mean, what is the point?!! I am a nice chilled mum.

She is going skiing with the school on Friday, so I can't ground her immediately. But I'm fucking annoyed and disappointed. I used to lie to my mum about boys, but she was well strict. What do I do?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 10/02/2010 20:46

i would make her have a "talk" with you.

re-iterate why it is VERY important that she is where she says she will be in case of an emergency (either herself, or you needing to get hold of her)
tell her that you don't appreciate her lying to you, that you thought that she knew she could tell you the truth
and finally, tell her that until you can be sure she can tell you the truth about where she is going and with whom, then she won't be allowed out at all (or- you will drop her at x/y/z and pick her up)

Dumbledoresgirl · 10/02/2010 20:46

How old is Harry?

hairyarseddave · 10/02/2010 20:48

I think you need to tell her how disappointed you are and ask her quite why she felt the need to lie. I remember my dp's shaming me over a very similar situation and I never ever did it again.

When I got back they asked me how my evening went and I got into an even more elaborate lie which made me sound even more stupid when they quickly stopped me and told me to stop digging a bigger hole

I did get grounded as well but it was the shame that was the worst thing. I realised what a fecking idiot I'd been. And I didn't lie again about something like that.

iggi999 · 10/02/2010 20:49

Is she home yet? I wonder if she will be able to tell you why she felt she needed to lie? Does seem odd. Does she think you think Harry is no good and would think her mug for taking him back? Maybe Harry is no good..
You probably want her to still go skiing, but she doesn't need to know that, iyswim.

Defluffmyfanjo · 10/02/2010 20:50

God knows.

My parents were incredibly strict resulting in me lying about going out with boys / to the pub etc, this meant I ended up in some scary situations and when things went horribly wrong I couldn't go to my parents as I'd been in a place I shouldn't have been in the first place if that makes sense.

So too strict seems counter productive.

However as mum to a 5 yr old dd the thought of her 'dating' at 13 makes me feel a bit sick. Also my friend is quite liberal with her 15 yr old dd and yet the dd still lies to her and pushes the (almost non existant) boundaries, maybe its just what they do?

The lying though is obviously the problem. Think you need to get to the bottom of why she felt she had to lie bearing in mind you wouldn't have minded the date anyway, very strange behaviour from her ... (fluff states the obvious)

I'll stop talking crap now and waffling x

Tortington · 10/02/2010 20:53

'd play it fun
"dss saw you at the train station and you have been sooooooo grassed!" then " did you have a good time?"

then
"next time tell me where you are and who with just so as i know incase anything happens"

i think as you can't immediatley punish her - its really the only way - it will shock the shit out of her anyway that you are so nice about it and then maybe next time she will tell the truth

TeamEdward · 10/02/2010 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BitOfFun · 10/02/2010 20:56

Harry is 13 too. Thinking about it, I think she did this last week too. Pictures in town with "Becky", tea at "Becky's nan's"

bloody kids.

Thing is, I'm nothing like as good as my mum at telling her off. Even if I'm actually angry I go a bit smirky, iyswim...I want to go for cold annoyance, you have really disappointed me stuff, but my mum is the master, and I'm rubbish at it.

She won't be back for ages- it didn't start until seven.

Presuming that's where she is. God, I remember going to see Cry Freedom purely because it was a long film. The boy didn't even put his arm round me though

oh ffs, I do not want to be ranting at eleven pm wtb dd2 in bed and dss staying over tonight. Grrrrr

OP posts:
Monty100 · 10/02/2010 20:57

BOF - Maybe she was embarrassed to tell you she'd made up with Harry or wasn't ready to talk about it? Something like that?

On those grounds I wouldn't be too cross but just lay it on that she's not to lie to you for any reason, it hurt you etc. And of course the bit about you must know where she is and who she is with in case you need to contact her.

mamazon · 10/02/2010 20:57

i'd play it just how Custy has said. i do this with DS.

i (hope) it shows him that im not mad about what he has done and that he had no need to lie, but that as a mother i have eyes in my arsehole and will always find him out.

it also proves to her just how cool you are.

then go on to make her squirm by recalling some visits to the cinema with "bobby" who tried to grab your boob/"freddy" who dripped cola on your crotch so he could rub it off. etc etc

show her just how cool her mum is and that if anything happens that she doesn't like she is doing the right thing to tell him to bugger off

blueblues · 10/02/2010 20:58

Thinking back to my 14yr old self I would probably have done this because I thought that if I told you I was going out with Harry (who you knew had dumped me earlier) then you would have got all 'why are you going back out with him, I thought he dumped you, are you just going to let him pick you up and then chuck you whenever he feels like it' and it would seem a lot easier just to say i'm going to the cinema with becky

cariboo · 10/02/2010 20:59

see your point Custy but dd lying to me seriously pisses me off. Mine's 9 but acts way older - already lying & being defiant.

ruddynorah · 10/02/2010 21:02

what custy said.

i'd try to talk to her about why she felt she had to lie to you, rather than bollocking her for the lie. a bollocking will make her lie even more.

VinegarTits · 10/02/2010 21:09

Bof just be straight with her, tell her you know she didnt go with Becky because she was spotted by someone you know

Then tell her that you feel really disappointed and sad that she thought she had to lie to you about it, as you wouldnt have minded her going with him

Then explain all the stuff about needing to know where she is incase of emergencies etc...

Then invite this harry bloke round to tea

cariboo · 10/02/2010 21:11

...but only over "have you done your homework". So far.

Original poster
BitOfFun · 10/02/2010 21:14

Yeah, tea should put the kybosh on their ardour quick smart

OP posts:
seeker · 10/02/2010 21:19

How's she getting home? And isn't a 3 hour film starting at 7 a bit much for a 13 year old on a school night? Or am I ridiculously Victorian?

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/02/2010 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/02/2010 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
BitOfFun · 10/02/2010 21:25

Seeker, I know what you mean. But she works hard and is great with her little sister etc, so I though, "Ok, it's not too often, go on then". She came home early last time and said they couldn't be bothered waiting for Avatar to start as they were dropped off early, so saw the Sarah Jessica wotsit movie instead. She was back by nine. So Avatar still hadn't been seen, iyswim. She's getting the train back, then walking from the station (ten minutes). I feel tempted to walk out to meet her off the train. Her rface would be a picture

OP posts:
Original poster
BitOfFun · 10/02/2010 21:27

Sex? Don't be ridiculous.

That won't be happening until William ascends the throne.

OP posts:
FlamingoBingo · 10/02/2010 21:41

I agree with Custy et al. We are wierdy in our household though and don't do punishments, but for good (I think!) reason. If she thinks you'll punish her, she'll lie. Or if she no longer goes out with Harry and lies to you, it'll be because she's scared of punishment, not because she knows it's the wrong thing to do IYSWIM.

Better that you say 'look, I know you thought I'd be cross, but I'll be more cross if you lie to me because I will worry about you. It's important that I, or another trusted adult, knows where you are and that you're safe because... So please make sure you don't lie again' etc. etc.

Original poster
BitOfFun · 10/02/2010 21:48

Oh, I'm starting to work myself up into a frenzy now. It's the waiting till nearly friggin eleven o'clock to say anything, I think.

OP posts:
hellsbelles · 10/02/2010 21:57

I reckon that she does need to know your cross...

I do understand the rationale that if you get really cross it's possible she may lie to you again...but the truth (!) is that the relaxed approach hasn't made a difference...she has still lied.

What the feck is wrong with her knowing she's disappointed you. She has. She needs to learn that her behaviour has upset you. You are not a robot and you care and worry about her. And the lying causes you pain. She also needs to understand that for you to give her trust she has to deserve it.

I really believe she is old enough to deal with that...without it causing a massive knock on effect. For me it stopped me doing it again. There was no massive shouting, just discussion and explanation. And I felt stupid for lying.

hellsbelles · 10/02/2010 21:59

you're (not your!)