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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My lovely 13 yr old dd is taking me for a mug

122 replies

BitOfFun · 10/02/2010 20:40

EEK, have got a problem- need your advice ladies please...

13 year old dd went out to see Avatar tonight, with "Becky".

Except dss(14) has seen her at the train station and grassed her up. It was Harry, who she claimed dumped her a couple of weeks ago.

I wouldn't have minded her going on a date.

I bloody do mind her lying to me though . I mean, what is the point?!! I am a nice chilled mum.

She is going skiing with the school on Friday, so I can't ground her immediately. But I'm fucking annoyed and disappointed. I used to lie to my mum about boys, but she was well strict. What do I do?

OP posts:

seeker · 11/02/2010 08:00

I have NEVER said this on Mumsnet before - and I can't really believe I'm saying it now - but do you think she might have too much freedom?

I let mine do all sorts of things that other children their age aren't allowed to do, but I wouldn't let my 14 year old go out that late at night and travel home on the train after 10.00 with friends whether or not there are boys involved!

I might have allowed the cinema but I would have picked her and her friends up outside when it finished.

Cyb · 11/02/2010 08:09

BOF I'm reading a greta book about teens 9I have a 14 yr old dd) atm , you've probably seen it 'Get out of my Life...but first take me and Alex into town'

Its soo good at analysing what teens do and why and how they WILL lie and they WILL try and get away with it and it show we deal with it that matters and how we should choose our battles etc .

Its made me lol many times as I have recognised myself and my dd described in there.

I heartily recommend to the house.

LoveMyGirls · 11/02/2010 08:28

Glad you sorted it out, I remember being about 15 and telling my mum I was going to my best mates house which was about a 15mins walk away then about 5mins before I was due to meet the lad I liked just round the corner my mum decided for the first time in a very long time she would be ncie and give me a lift because it was raining.......

I got to my friends house and my mum waited in the car while I knocked on the door, my friend wasn't in luckily I managed to blag my way in saying I needed to speak to her urgently and could I ring her from her mums phone so my mum drove off and then I rang her asked her to lie for me if my mum rang and then I ran like the wind back towards my house, praying my mum hadn't stopped at the shop or anything and wouldn't see me, I managed to meet him and didnt get caught but it was close!

TrillianAstra · 11/02/2010 08:39

No logical explanation.

So much of what goes through your head at 13 has no logical explanation...

I said I was going with Becky because... erm... it seemed like a good idea at the time... I don't know why... um...

Original poster

BitOfFun · 11/02/2010 08:50

I have read that Cyb- I will have to dig it out and brush up, I think.

On the freedom/safety thing, this sort of evening hasn't really cropped up more than very occasionally, and I will keep it to summer when it's light, on reflection, because I can't pick her up (and because it will be summer before she's allowed out again ).We live kind of at ninety degrees to the train station, so if she is coming home from town, I would have walked to meet her and her friend halfway IYSWIM, and it's all light and busy- not the inner city stereotype at all, so it's really not an unsafe walk. It is the easiest and quickest way for her to get home- our town centre is not well catered for for cars: jumping on the train home takes less of a walk through the centre than getting to one of the carparks. As it is, I don't own a car and can only borrow one occasionally. I had the same sort of independence at thirteen, and had developed the skills to use public transport etc, and I want my eldest to be the same. I know this goes against the grain on mumsnet, but I really can't be one of the ferry-around-the-teenager mums, with limited transport myself and a SN child I can't get out with easily. If I didn't make sure the older one had the confidence to get around on her own, she wouldn't be able to get out much at all.

As it is, she can't be trusted with that amount of freedom if she is going to lie to me about who she is with, so she has managed to buy herself a passport to some much closer supervision for quite a while- stupid of her really.

OP posts:

Original poster

BitOfFun · 11/02/2010 08:54

Trill, yep- that's pretty much all I've got out of her so far . There will be a more considered Talk while we get her stuff all packed up tonight.

OP posts:

fortyplus · 11/02/2010 08:58

Pay for a bloody taxi!

Original poster

BitOfFun · 11/02/2010 09:07

A taxi would be coming out of her pocket money, I'm afraid, fortyplus, and cost about fifteen quid. I can't fund it on my wages. Obviously these things are easier for some people than others, but you cut your cloth and all that...

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TrillianAstra · 11/02/2010 09:42

I wish when I was 13 I had lived somewhere where you could get the train to the cinema.

Original poster

BitOfFun · 11/02/2010 10:00

We're luckier than that even, Trill- that's the big Odeon in town which had Avatar in 3D on, but we've got one of the last old-fashioned picture houses on our doorstep- 5 minutes walk- which has most of the main films, and even some arthouse stuff, for four quid admission! Less for teens. I went keen on her going into town, but that movie wasn't still on here. I think that would be a reasonable restriction for now though- local pictures only, so I can keep more of an eye on her.

OP posts:

Original poster

BitOfFun · 11/02/2010 10:01

wasn't, not went- iPhone banana fingers...

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BelleDameSansMerci · 11/02/2010 10:05

BOF, I've got no experience of raising teenagers so forgive me if I'm talking bollocks but I think this will be a really valuable lesson for her. You've treated her like a young adult and trusted her accordingly (which I think is a really, really good thing) but because she has broken your trust she will now have to prove herself all over again. Good example of consequences of actions, I think...

Now, do you have any tips for dealing with a 2.5 year old who's exactly the same as the mother in all the worst ways?!

hellsbelles · 11/02/2010 10:13

forty - It's great that you are able to afford to ferry your DC's about in a taxi. Don't expect everyone else can afford the same.

VinegarTits · 11/02/2010 13:05

Living in the same city as bof i know the area where she lives well, its pretty safe and well lit, i cant see a problem with letting a teenager use public transport to go to the cinema

Not everyone can afford to get taxis everywhere so that was a bit of an unhelpful comment wasnt it?

When i was 12 we used to hope on and off the buses and trains all night with a saveaway, and go all over the city just for the fun of it

fortyplus · 11/02/2010 16:50

I don't ferry mine by taxi - I go myself - but if I didn't have my own car then there's no way mine would be coming back so late on a train - especially on a school day.

fortyplus · 11/02/2010 16:52

Oh.. and we live in an area with one of the lowest crime rates in the country but my friend's 16 year old son had his face beaten to a pulp walking home from the cinema with a group of 5 friends at 10,30pm.

Don't think it can't happen in 'nice' areas.

RumourOfAHurricane · 11/02/2010 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

BitOfFun · 11/02/2010 18:53

Well I suppose people can be jumped at any age really. I suppose that being fairly streetwise and confident from an early age is arguably protective against that, so I guess there are two ways of looking at it.

Thankyou for all the input though- it certainly helped last night while I was getting steadily more annoyed (more so after speaking to my own mother, ironically!), and I appreciate the listening ears.

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Original poster

BitOfFun · 11/02/2010 20:03

Little update-

Have been having a good chat today, as we've spent quite a bit of time getting ready for this ski trip in the morning. She says she just felt a bit embarrassed at talking about him, especially as they'd 'split up'. I've said that it's maybe not such good idea to arrange things during the week, and she seems a bit young to me for any serious dating, so she has said that she will try to arrange more stuff in groups of friends and to keep me in the loop. We shall see, but she knows that the part that upset me was the lying and that it's important I can trust her.

OP posts:

Monty100 · 11/02/2010 22:48

Job done hopefully BOF.

Hope she has a good skiing trip and everything's back to normal when she's home.

5kids · 15/02/2010 00:25

why did you allow a 13 year old to go out so late, i have a 12 1/2 yr old dd and she would not expect to go out even at 6pm, you need to get a grip on her expectations of going out, but perhaps it is too late for that....maybe you need to think carefully about the ground rules

bellavita · 16/02/2010 21:50

5kids - I have a 12 1/2yr old DS and he goes out after 6.00pm. He comes home from school, gets his homework done (as do his friends), has tea and then his friends will call about 6.45pm. He has to be in at 8.15. I am not saying he goes out every night, but I certainly wouldn't say no to him going out.

If I lived somewhere like BofF where the Metro was the norm (we live in a small village) then I don't see any reason why my DS couldn't go to the cinema with a friend/friends.

I certainly think saying that BofF needs to get a grip of her DD's expectatons is a bit harsh imo.

When I was her age I used to go out.

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