Found porn use and questionable websites on DS16 phone

[TeenOnlineUse]

Need some advice, single Mom, one DS16. He’s honestly just a bloody wonderful kid, kind, funny, hardworking, exceptionally bright, engaged with lots of civic duty stuff, family life.

For clarity, DS has had a phone since he started secondary, always completely monitored and securely locked down by me on my phone with regular random checks here and there. Never any issues. Was not allowed social media of any kind, except WhatsApp, until this year, despite lots of protestations.

But tonight I got a notification that a screen time password has been used. I’ll hold my hands up and say since he turned 16 and I allowed social media on devices I’ve become lax and opened up the restrictions and screen time limits, not been checking his phone. But it was 1am and I thought he was asleep so I went digging and searched through the website history I could see on my phone.

He’s used a website called Y99.in quite a bit over the last few weeks, at most 40mins at a time. There’s a few visits to pornhub, jerkmatelive and he has a private browser called Brave installed which has a lot of screen time logged. I don’t know what he’s using that for.

Honestly I’m gutted. I guess it’s not surprising given it’s literally there at their fingertips but I should have been monitoring closer.

I turned the app restrictions to 0 for each of these sites and then I started getting Google alerts that he was trying to change the web tracking settings (I have Google family set up as well, but again, after he turned 16 I loosed the restrictions). So I knew he was awake.

I’ve just gone into his room, he pretended to be asleep. I told him to give me his phone and laptop, he handed them over along with the passcodes and I left the room with them.

I’m not really sure what to do now. Do I search both devices I full? How do I talk to him about this? I’m very forward and open with him but I want to handle this the right way. When exactly do we stop monitoring online use and trust them? Didn’t think I’d be lost in this situation, and maybe I’m just tired, but I’m not sure what to do now.

He's 16 and you're being really overbearing about this. You shouldn't be tracking his Internet usage at this point unless you have valid concerns that he's at risk of exploitation.

He’s using an anonymous video chat forum and another anonymous sexual chat forum, I am concerned he might be exploited. And are you really okay with your teenager, if you have one, surfing pornhub?

I wouldn't know because I wouldn't dream of invading her privacy like that. She has the right to explore her own sexuality in private. She knows she can come to me or another trusted adult if she has questions.

The first priority for me would be to have a conversation with him about the dangers of those chat rooms. Young men are being targeted regularly in sextortion scams and it’s leading to suicides. He needs to be told of the risks of engaging in or sharing anything he would not want to be made public. Find newspaper articles about this and show him. Approach it not as a reprimand, that you understand he’d be curious, but that you’re worried for his safety.

From there, someone needs to have an open conversation about porn in general, if they haven’t already.

Okay, well with all the respect in the world, you’re not the type of parent I need or want to take advice from if you’re not concerned your child is potentially engaging in sexually explicit video chat with adults online. As far as I’m concerned, it’s my duty to ensure my son doesn’t ’explore his sexuality’ in that way.

I’m with @ImImmortalNowBabyDollhere - he’s 16, tracking every little thing he does on the phone and every site he goes on is not protective it’s controlling. You should have been laying the ground work before this so he knows how to keep himself safe and make his own good decisions by this age. He deserves privacy and if you take his devices away and put in ridiculous boundaries he will circumnavigate them.

Thank you. Okay, so definitely one item of concern and conversation tomorrow is whether he has shared any intimate images. And that if he has, it’s absolutely not the end of the world but I need to highlight the risks here so will find case studies I can reference.

The porn thing, I understand the curiosity, it’s at his fingertips literally. But I suppose I need him to understand that what he sees is not normal, it’s not what should be expected of him or a partner, it’s just acting. I’d much prefer if he was experimenting innocently with a person of his own age, rather than watching potentially hardcore porn.

Do I look further at the devices? I can only see what websites were visited and I haven’t been checked his chats in months.

I’m actually shocked at your responses @Maisymouse2 @OnlyOneAdda

He may be looking at sex, but god knows what he’s looking at and forming an opinion on what is ‘normal’.

Hes not a married man @Maisymouse2hes a 16 year old child.

And I haven’t been tracking every little thing he does. This notification this evening was weird so I checked for the first time in months. I have laid the ground work, I’ve had the online safety chats, we’ve even attended 2 talks together about it.

So you both think I should just cut all kinds of restrictions and allow him to view whatever he wants?

What you want him to understand about porn is really valid. There has been an increase in recent generations practicing extremely high risk things like choking during sex because of porn exposure normalising it, so I think that conversation about it not being an accurate reflection of what mutually satisfying sex looks like is a good one to have.

I’d be hesitant to dig through his devices more. You want to build trust and make sure he knows he can always come to you if he’s in trouble. It sounds like you have enough information to start a conversation. It’s hard, because all boys of his age are going to look at porn. But I agree that live sexually explicit chat rooms with adults is not safe.

Poor kid. He must be mortified.
You can talk about what you need to and tell him of any dangers without being this controlling.
Let him have some privacy for goodness sake.

I don’t think you should have restrictions on his phone or be monitoring his usage at 16, no.

He should know that porn isn’t normal way before 16, this shouldn’t be a reactive piece of education.

Oh my goodness, leave him alone! I can't believe you're tracking his online activity at 16. This is private and personal. You have massively overstepped.

I understand your concern regarding the chat rooms but PP’s are right. He is (less than) a couple of short years away from being a grown up.

Your job is to inform him about the dangers of things like online video chats and the unrealistic nature of porn, what you’re doing is far beyond that and might be pushing him further into the seedy side of things.

Watching pornhub, while we all know the ethical problems with it, is very normal for a sixteen year old. Freaking out about it will only make him sneakier and find alternative ways to access explicit content.

This does feel like an overreaction op, if he was thirteen I’d understand but he is above the age of consent. In two years your control, for want of a better word, ends and he has to have the tools to navigate the internet and sexuality on his own, shielding him from everything now is doing him a disservice.

Edit: Grammar.

He is still a child so yes, you should be aware of what he is viewing online.

Okay, I’m not going to repeat this again, I’ve had the conversations around consent and healthy relationships, I’ve read all the books and shared them with him, we’ve been to the talks with him and he’s done the courses in school. This is not a completely reactive piece of education. I’ve done everything I possibly can to raise him as both a sex positive person and a boy who respects and values women.

However, I cannot just stand by with the knowledge that he is using chat rooms, one which is sexually explicit, which potentially have adult predators waiting to exploit children in.

Do parents these days honestly just let their children do and view and engage in whatever the hell they want from the age of 16? I’m a young mother and to me that’s crazy.

I think it’s valid too! I don’t want him to be consuming some hardcore pornography and then start trying to bloody slap or choke other young girls because he thinks this is what sex is. This is not what sex is and all I want is for him to experience and experiment with sex in an age appropriate way with people of his own age!

It’s private and personal to potentially having explicit online conversations in a sex chat room where age verification is not a thing?

Right, okay 🙄

Wow, I absolutely came to the wrong place for advice. I can’t believe a forum of mothers is so far telling me I’m wrong for trying to intervene in my son using sexual chat rooms and viewing pornography. All of these things are intended for over 18s… if I came on here and said I allowed my 16 yr old to drink multiple nights a week, the answers would be different I’m sure, and I don’t understand why.

There's a line to walk OP. You do all the preventative work you can in all the ways you can.

At some point, you have to trust that the work you've put in will bear out.

This is that time. Talk to him about what you've seen on his history. Remind him that you're there to talk through anything he's not comfortable with. And then tell him you're removing the monitoring on him. He will find a way around the restrictions, even if you don't lift them.

Allow your teenager, who can legally have sex now, his privacy and give him your trust.

It's hard to do, but it's important to start to cut the strings as he is close to adulthood.

I think this is good advice. He'll find a way around any monitoring anyway.

You need to have an open and honest conversation with him and establish if he has shared images or not - that’s priority number one. Also talk to him about porn and how that’s not real or normal sex, the possibility of addiction ect ect. He will definitely be mortified though but being a teenager generally mortifying even if you don’t get caught watching porn by your mum… but maybe go easy on him. I do understand your concern though, and you need to establish if he has been exploited or has sent any pictures first and foremost.

@TeenOnlineUse how long has he accessed the sites for- age verification should be on no? So he can't have access without submitting id to show he's 18

@Globulesthank you for the advice. And I intend to have, yet another, conversation with him tomorrow about the dangers of using these chat rooms, the unrealistic expectations that pornography creates etc. I’m just so disappointed that after all of the talks we’ve had already that he has engaged in this stuff.

But I will point out that in my country, he is not of an age of consent for another year. He is still a child, and even if he were to save sex with another person of his age, this is still not legal. They are children.

Both of the chat sites I mentioned above have absolutely no age verification. Anyone at all can be whatever age they say they are.

And posters are telling me that that is okay? And I should leave him at it?