Found porn use and questionable websites on DS16 phone

[TeenOnlineUse]

Need some advice, single Mom, one DS16. He’s honestly just a bloody wonderful kid, kind, funny, hardworking, exceptionally bright, engaged with lots of civic duty stuff, family life.

For clarity, DS has had a phone since he started secondary, always completely monitored and securely locked down by me on my phone with regular random checks here and there. Never any issues. Was not allowed social media of any kind, except WhatsApp, until this year, despite lots of protestations.

But tonight I got a notification that a screen time password has been used. I’ll hold my hands up and say since he turned 16 and I allowed social media on devices I’ve become lax and opened up the restrictions and screen time limits, not been checking his phone. But it was 1am and I thought he was asleep so I went digging and searched through the website history I could see on my phone.

He’s used a website called Y99.in quite a bit over the last few weeks, at most 40mins at a time. There’s a few visits to pornhub, jerkmatelive and he has a private browser called Brave installed which has a lot of screen time logged. I don’t know what he’s using that for.

Honestly I’m gutted. I guess it’s not surprising given it’s literally there at their fingertips but I should have been monitoring closer.

I turned the app restrictions to 0 for each of these sites and then I started getting Google alerts that he was trying to change the web tracking settings (I have Google family set up as well, but again, after he turned 16 I loosed the restrictions). So I knew he was awake.

I’ve just gone into his room, he pretended to be asleep. I told him to give me his phone and laptop, he handed them over along with the passcodes and I left the room with them.

I’m not really sure what to do now. Do I search both devices I full? How do I talk to him about this? I’m very forward and open with him but I want to handle this the right way. When exactly do we stop monitoring online use and trust them? Didn’t think I’d be lost in this situation, and maybe I’m just tired, but I’m not sure what to do now.

Sounds like the conversation went really well OP.

I was thinking about this today and how I’d approach it with my kids when they’re teens.

I concluded that pointing out that frequent porn use would probably make them worse in bed. As would wanting to replicate the things they see in porn or thinking that’s normal.

I rarely look at my sons phone hes just turned 17 and when he was 16 I saw he had been accessing some porn but I would never let him know I breached his privacy and went through his phone, I just brought up porn causally in a conversation and told him what I thought.
At 16 he can legally move out and have sex its hard to let go sometimes but I think rsther than telling him you've gone down his phone just bring stuff up casually.

Like others, I agree with them that you should have a talk with your son. Be willing to talk to you about sex anything he needs to know and not from websites.
One good point is that you didn't discover he wasn't making porn about his female's classmates by using AI, that is illegal. To many here made the point your son privacy outweighs your right to stop him from being harm what porn can do.
He has to have the ability to talk to you first, not websites.
How many would see things differently if he was making AI porn of females and these females was their daughter? To many here made the point they don't give a damn if a teenage boy was using these porn sites to make AI porn of their daughter.
There are porn sites can cause a knock at the door with a person having a badge and handcuffs. He needs to understand what he is doing becomes very risky and has a lot of danger.

Because making indecent images of someone who didn't consent is entire different to watching porn...

He is being totally exploited.

Can you not see that?

He being led like a bull with a ring in his nose.

Have you seen Playboy?

There is so much difference between Playboy magazines and on-line porn that it is useless to compare them.

Just think. Once upon a time boys used to have to close their eyes and imagine with their own minds. I am sure they managed.

I’d search both devices and don’t allow him back on these sites. Everyone who’s saying it’s normal and fine clearly hasn’t researched the links between teens watching pornography and them developing mental health problems and other issues. I’d highly suggest you look into the impact it can have on teens and decide for yourself, but personally I wouldn’t allow it. Not because there’s anything shameful about it, but because of how addictive porn is. If he wants porn, buy him some magazines with pictures, but these videos accessible online are awful for his brain. Have an open and honest conversation and show him documentaries about how exploitative the porn industry is, many of the women he’s watched likely aren’t able to fully consent and could be underage, it’s a very exploitative industry. As for the chat sites, he needs to realise how easily exploited he could be there, and to never send pictures or send anyone money etc. https://www.google.com/url?esrc=s&opi=89978449&q=&rct=j&sa=U&url=thewaveclinic.com/blog/effects-of-pornography-on-teenage-brain-and-young-peoples-social-development/&ved=2ahUKEwjNk8Tc18OXAxW9g0HHa2jE2QQFnoECAgQAg&usg=AOvVaw1dq3MNYP8Rwxq6gsWxfKuc

Sorry you're going through this and getting blowback here too. Of course you're upset and want to protect your child. This happened to us in a very shocking way several years ago when DS was 14, and he'd been exposed to some really awful content. I posted about it here and people called my child vile and like a sex criminal - when to me he was clearly a victim and a vulnerable child. Victim that DH wasn't bothered with broadband controls, victim that DS was exposed to sexual content all over YouTube and X and became interested, and victim that in a few clicks he got dumped into the most graphic and unsuitable content. I could see it happen through the search history.
Good news is he's a lovely young man now who has had loving and respectful relationships.