Found porn use and questionable websites on DS16 phone

[TeenOnlineUse]

Need some advice, single Mom, one DS16. He’s honestly just a bloody wonderful kid, kind, funny, hardworking, exceptionally bright, engaged with lots of civic duty stuff, family life.

For clarity, DS has had a phone since he started secondary, always completely monitored and securely locked down by me on my phone with regular random checks here and there. Never any issues. Was not allowed social media of any kind, except WhatsApp, until this year, despite lots of protestations.

But tonight I got a notification that a screen time password has been used. I’ll hold my hands up and say since he turned 16 and I allowed social media on devices I’ve become lax and opened up the restrictions and screen time limits, not been checking his phone. But it was 1am and I thought he was asleep so I went digging and searched through the website history I could see on my phone.

He’s used a website called Y99.in quite a bit over the last few weeks, at most 40mins at a time. There’s a few visits to pornhub, jerkmatelive and he has a private browser called Brave installed which has a lot of screen time logged. I don’t know what he’s using that for.

Honestly I’m gutted. I guess it’s not surprising given it’s literally there at their fingertips but I should have been monitoring closer.

I turned the app restrictions to 0 for each of these sites and then I started getting Google alerts that he was trying to change the web tracking settings (I have Google family set up as well, but again, after he turned 16 I loosed the restrictions). So I knew he was awake.

I’ve just gone into his room, he pretended to be asleep. I told him to give me his phone and laptop, he handed them over along with the passcodes and I left the room with them.

I’m not really sure what to do now. Do I search both devices I full? How do I talk to him about this? I’m very forward and open with him but I want to handle this the right way. When exactly do we stop monitoring online use and trust them? Didn’t think I’d be lost in this situation, and maybe I’m just tired, but I’m not sure what to do now.

I didn't have the internet either growing up.

I am a parent of 2 young adults.

I do work with teenagers.

Every parent wants to protect their child and not allow them to see this.

All good parents know that a 16 year old will do what they want to do if they are determined enough, and will help them learn to be safe in that, rather than make it more tempting to them by blocking.

Calling people thick and accusing them off having a porn addiction themselves is really no help whatsoever and is actually quite childish.

Why do so many parents think their child needs horrific open access to porn (which exploits women and normalises violent sexual acts) to explore their sexuality. So gross. It’s no different to putting your child in front of a man choking a woman during sex and being ok with it. Just because there is a screen divide doesn’t mean it’s ok. If these parents came home to see a man choking a woman during sex in front of their child at home are they seriously saying they’d quietly shut the bedroom door and say ‘ooops so sorry for invading your privacy’ It’s madness.

OP, I agree with PP that you've fallen victim to a weird overnight crowd of responders. I fully agree with your concerns about the misogynistic nature of porn, porn addiction, violence being normalised etc. and also the very real risks of sexual exploitation.

My son is 15 and I am following with interest to get advice to help me continue to try to protect him from harm and prevent him becoming someone who harms women or who cannot form healthy relationships.

Well come on it is ignorant.its always the parents who have a phone addition themselves or who want to be ‘cool’. There’s no much research available now on why it’s so important to monitor your child’s internet access and phone usage. I’ve worked with teenagers my whole life. And in education. The parents who don’t allow open access to the internet and prevent their child having all the bad apps such as TikTok and Snapchat are becoming drowned out buy the ignorant and lazy parents. And the children don’t benefit.

@TeenOnlineUse well done for staying calm in the moment and just taking time to think. Agree there is a difference between looking at pornhub and using live chat rooms.

He does need reminding that not everyone is who they claim to be. That he is at risk therefore of both being extorted and inadvertently sharing images of other underage people.

If you are in the UK then he must either be using a VPN or false ID to sign in to these sites.

It’s fascinating how people are normalising the average internet porn (most of which is highly unethical and encourages dominating male behaviour / objectifies women).

I wouldn’t continue to dig through devices but I’d definitely sit down and ask where he’d heard of these sites. Kids these days know way more about the internet than we do, there’s some scary unknowns out there for us.

If, like me, you work with teenagers in education, you'll know too that information is the best way to prevent and protect. Those who are determined to find porn will.

Yes, the adults know the science. The teens are exploring and will always push boundaries - as I'm sure you did in your pre internet days.

The teens I've worked with who've got more of a fascination with this stuff are the children of parents trying to restrict and ban their access.

Snapchat/Tik tok are just tools. You can access anything on any platform.

It's really not ignorance.

Also find it interesting that some are saying - he’ll do it anyway and if you tell him he’s wrong to do it, this will result in him hiding more stuff from you and not coming to you if he’s in trouble. He’s already hiding stuff and being sneaky. I don’t see why as parents we should be forced to pretend outwardly that something as damaging and appalling as porn addiction and online chat forums and abuse is ‘ok’ just in case maybe one random time in the future it increases the chance of the child hiding more stuff from us. Like everyone says - those kids who view it and do it sneakily are that type already. I’d rather be clear what my own personal values are on porn use and phone use generally and die on that hill. If my children want to become a phone addicted porn users it won’t be because their parent pretended it’s fine. I’ve got a lot of friends now who are telling me they wish their parents had been more vocal about them consuming drink and drugs in the 90s. They are now appalled that their parents gave them free rein. Most of them - their parents are bordering alcoholics themselves.

I agree with the OP too- My slightly different take on this too is why treat the devices like they are the child’s? Until that child is an adult who can get credit and pay for the devices themselves, they belong to the OP and are being used by the child. The op has every right to monitor what’s being viewed, especially if there’s other children in the home who could access the devices.
All (legal) porn sites should be strictly 18+ so only adults on their own devices and at their own risk should be able to go on them.

OP- your son is lucky to have a parent that is concerned for him and open to conversations about his safety and how he’s informed about sex in relationships. Many are left alone from much younger age walking around with their smartphones, existing in an adult world which lets children in, because it makes adults lots of money to do 😞

My teenagers are restricted from Snapchat, TikTok, porn, smart phones and open access to the internet. They are not more fascinated by it because they are outside (living life you know the world beyond a screen) doing a wide range of physical hobbies most nights, they read huge amounts of literature, they are happy and thriving. They have zero interest in it because we haven’t normalised it and fallen in with peer pressure. My neighbour is pulling his hair out because the ex partner gave their 13 year old open access to all the above. The child now refuses to join in any family outdoor activities and is glued to her phone. Child has become argumentative, distant at home and regularly invites hoards of boys to the house when the father is out. Via her phone. Madness. Utter madness. The devices are winning and the profit hungry tech companies are rubbing their hands in glee. We have more problem with the teenagers in our school whose parents can’t be bothered to monitor or restrict their child’s phone. Bullying, porn, anxiety, depression. The list goes on.

I’m of an age where teenagers did have free rein of the internet and everything that was on it before parents really became aware of what they should be blocking/restricting. It messed people up.

OP I think it says something really good about the relationship you have with your son that knew he had done wrong and handed his devices and passcodes over. A lot of 16 year olds would not do that without a huge row.

It’s hard. I wouldn’t really know what to do. In the U.K. you need to be over 18 to access porn so I’d probably start there. The chat rooms and forums aren’t safe.

I don’t think we should normalise porn use and I won’t be in my home. I don’t care if everyone else does it. He hasn’t just had the odd look for curiosity you can see that he’s been accessing it regularly.

If you feel confident your previous discussions have adequately covered how porn is often not reflective of healthy sexual interactions (lack of consent, aggressive acts many women wouldn’t naturally enjoy etc) I personally would allow him to explore his sexuality and desires using porn. In regards to the chat rooms though that would be a no from me given the risks associated with that. When you chat to him about it he’s most likely to be accepting of those risks if he can see it’s a widely recognised problem, and can the impact on someone else, rather than thinking you’re just on him without a good reason (as teens often do). I’d go through a few articles with him or even better watch a documentary on it.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cdj87z42gv4o

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/czrpedexleno

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c2llzppyx05o

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m002kl4v

Very good point. If you want to view horrendous, gross porn and live your life on the internet, go buy the phone and pay your own monthly bill for it.

You absolutely should be tracking his internet use OP but shouldn’t be shocked he’s looking at porn.

You’ve done the right thing. I’ve seen first hand what this stuff does to a young person.
a young adult who was very close in my life has had her life destroyed by this stuff, and we genuinely thought we were tech savvy. Passcodes, family sharing etc etc. she has failed a levels, no friends, no job, socially isolated. Addicted to porn at one point, assume she still is and multiple ( double figures) men she chatted too and shared inappropriate material with.
It’s destroyed lives around it.
there is exploring your sexuality and then there’s being exploited and at 16 in a hidden online world that’s different to a girlfriend or boyfriend coming for tea

Honestly; there’s a lot of mumsnet posters who pretty much think once a child is 15 if they are not working in a non existent part time job and already saving to move out you’ve failed as a parent. If you ever ask them where they are going, give them lifts, have any way of monitoring their phone usage or location (even with their knowledge and permission!) or dare to be concerned about any choices they may make you are overbearing and a bad parent.

OP of course you are right to be concerned. I was encouraged to read that he gave you his devices when you asked in the night, it didn’t lead to a row. Well done, the respect is clearly there. I would just start today with a conversation. He’s expecting it obviously! You know him, you love him. I’d start with ‘I’m concerned rather than annoyed’. There’s a big difference between ‘it’s the school holidays, I’m bored and looking at porn’ to ‘I’m in too deep to something I can’t see a way out of’. Trust your self to have the right conversation because you will because you’ve done great ground work so far.

He is 16 of course he is watching porn! Give the poor guy some privacy, how embarrassing for him

Yhis.

I’m still absolutely appalled at some of the posters on this thread.

There is an issue in modern day society with men using pornography, becoming addicted to it, being unable to function sexually in real life, viewing it as normal and subjecting their partners to choking, slapping, pressuring them to engage in extreme sex acts ‘because it’s normal’, disengaging from family life because of all of these things.

Women come on here all the time complaining about this, and they’re told their partner is disgusting, disrespectful, seedy, they need to leave them, he needs therapy.

But many of you believe that as a CHILD, boys (and girls) should be given free reign to ‘explore their sexuality’ in online chat rooms where they could be talking to predatory adults, given unfettered access to the hardcore pornography on Pornhub.

It’s quite frankly sickening. It’s setting these boys and young men up to fail. It’s like allowing them unfettered access to drink and drugs and then being angry and judgemental when they end up being alcoholics and drug addicts.

I for one, will not stand by and let this kind of activity and content shape the type of man, the type of partner, my son becomes. I love him far too much for that. I also love women far too much for that.

If your view is that I am controlling and he should be allowed open access this content, you can just stop right there and scroll on by. You are not the type of parent I want to take advice from.

But many of you believe that as a CHILD, boys (and girls) should be given free reign to ‘explore their sexuality’ in online chat rooms where they could be talking to predatory adults, given unfettered access to the hardcore pornography on Pornhub.

I don't think any poster is believing that this is ok @TeenOnlineUse . None of us want this for our children.

Posters are acknowledging that looking at porn online is very common behaviour for a 16 year old boy and no amount of parental controls can stop this happening if there's a determination from the 16 year old.

All online chatrooms are grounds for a predator. Even Minecraft. It's why education, teaching and an open relationship with your teenager is much more of a priority than removing their devices and looking at their search history.

He's already getting past your controls with the use of the different browser. He'll find other ways too if he's determined enough.

Wow! That is ridiculous. Really really ridiculous.
You are way off the mark with your parenting.

No way in hell would I let my almost 16 yo DS access porn and dodgy chat rooms. Wtf are some of you thinking?!
Porn is not a safe or healthy way to ‘explore your sexuality’.
And why do people think that children are entitled to full privacy online?
It’s true that they might be sneaky and circumvent your restrictions, but at least you’re making it very clear what your values and expectations are. Just because we might not be able to prevent our teens experimenting with drugs, doesn’t mean we say ‘oh well’ and let them keep heroin in their bedroom!

I’m really shocked by some of these replies- I definitely would not be okay with this and I think you do need a serious chat OP.

Don’t shame him or judge him, but rather focus on the key points. For me the main thing he really needs to know not to do is engage in these chat rooms because as you say there absolutely are adults in there and while he is 16, he is not an adult and although we all think we are invincible at 16 we really aren’t and are at risk there. The chat rooms have so many risks and it’s a slippery slope, he needs to understand that.

The porn in general though I think is a hard one because the interest and wanting to seek it out is so normal and it always sort of has been, it just used to be magazines and books rather than Pornhub. I would stress again that porn is not real life, it is not reflective of a real and healthy sex life, and that it shouldn’t be used as a source of education or knowledge on sex, what women or indeed men like or “normally” do. Ultimately there are so many work arounds now, VPN’s etc, if he wants to watch it then he will find a way so I would focus more on the education than on trying to physically prevent access beyond what you already are doing.

You can think what you like but I have a happy, well adjusted 16 yo achieving highly in every area of her life, who had appropriate guardrails on her Internet usage when she was younger and no longer does because I'm not stupid enough to think you can stop a 16 yo being curious about adult content.

If you think you can stop 16 yos from watching explicit content and having sex then I've got a nice bridge to sell you.

If you have had all the conversations and seminars and have raised him right why are you concerned he is now so vulnerable he will be coerced into sending explicit pics, or so manipulative and abusive, he will see a video on PH and start choking people during sex?